I Wish
Title: I Wish
Rating: PG
Pairing: Haehyuk
Summary: He wonders how different his voice sounds, and he smiles as he turns around again, seeing a speck of a figure walking briskly in the distance. He turns back around and considers stopping the other man, but instead he smiles again and walks faster to his destination, leaving behind the scene that just occured. Maybe one day, maybe one day they'll meet again.
He smiles though he isn't even sure himself if it is real or fake. He wonders for a bit. He considers the consequences, and hell, he knows trouble lies ahead if he keeps this up. But for now, while he is young, and desperate, and looking for love he knows may never last-he will keep it like this.
He doesn't want to listen to others, or his own mind-constantly repeating those words others speak. He doesn't want to hear it's wrong, and he doesn't want to hear it's a sin, because as teeth clash against his, all he can think about is the way the other tastes. He tastes like innocence. Like strawberries and candy. It reminds him of when he was a kid and he would beg his parents for sweets. Back when he didn't hear of nonsense like politics, prejudice and money was just something that came from his parents; whenever he wanted something he would hear the faint whispers from his father saying "we don't have the money" and then his too-loving mother saying "just this one time." Though he doesn't even know how many "one times" there was.
As he feels a tongue, sweet and soft push at his own amd he can't help but not care. He doesn't think like he normally does. He doesn't worry like he normally does and he is carefree, and he wishes he could feel like this everyday. He wishes he could feel his body meshing with another's, he wishes everyday he could experience the light feeling he has in his stomach. He wishes he could smile against his better judgment all the time, but now. He settles to take it now rather than never.
And he knows later he will wish he never took this chance. He knows he will wish he never experienced this feeling because after this, all he will ever want is that feeling. Despite himself, he smiles again, he backs away from the kiss and places a peck to the other's shoulder. "I love you, Donghae," comes the faint whisper in between breathless pants. He looks into the other's eyes. He wants to repeat the words but he isn't sure he knows how to.
He opens his mouth but no words come out and he looks at the other's smiling face. It's reassuring. It's everything he's ever needed to see. But he still has his uncertainty. "My parents are divorcing," he mumbles as he spreads his hands out on the other's chest. He hears a faint grunt and he knows it's a questioning one, but he doesn't answer. It was just a warning. A warning he wishes he would never of had to of gave. But things doesn't always go someone's way, and he wants-he wishes-they could.
He laughs as the person sits back on the chair in the class room and pulls him down onto their lap. He feels the other nibbling at his ear and he wishes everything could make him this happy. He gasps as the other bites down particulary hard and he frowns as he realizes all he ever does is wish, and wish, and wish. But he is hopeful, and he has dreams. That seems like it's all he ever has, sometimes.
He doesn't worry himself though, because now he has someone sucking on his jaw and he panicks and pulls back because everyone will know a female didn't make that mark and he doesn't want to hear more about how he is sinning and how he's going to be sent to hell. He doesn't want to be told his life is wrong.
Maybe, maybe this is just want. A want to be touched, held, and not feel lonely. This is what he thinks as he tries to level with himself. Maybe it's just temptation. Maybe. He knows it's not as he giggles when the other palms at his stomach; he's ticklish there.
"Are you staying with your father or mother?" He doesn't want to answer so he just hangs his head down. The other male understands. "When are you moving?" "Soon." He doesn't want to say that this may be the last time they get to see each other. Here, in this school class room where anyone can walk in and see them. It's not romantic and neither is any other time they've been together. That's just how they are.
It started out with them as enemies who realized they liked the same gender and knew they had no one but each other. Then it turned into... he doesn't ever think about it because he doesn't want to admit it to himself. He doesn't want to admit he has fallen in love. So he doesn't. He just tricks himself into believing after he leaves he is just going to miss the late nights they would sneak out and have sex, blunty put.
He puts it that way because that's all he'll ever admit to himself it is. Between them it isn't love making, because neither of them care for each other. All those times when they lied there together, holding one another, giving each other little pecks here and there, not speaking-it meant nothing. They didn't care for each other.
They were just too tired to get up. That's what he likes to think. He frowns as his thoughts consume him, but he snaps out of it when someone bites him softly on the shoulder to get his attention. "How soon?" He pecks the other on the lips. "Too soon." He waits and he isn't even sure what he's waiting for. Maybe for the other to say he'll miss him? But he just shakes his head because he tells himself he won't miss the other and the other male won't miss him. They're just enemies who use the other to satisfy their own twisted needs, because no matter what, this is wrong. This is a sin.
~~
He sits there silently and listens to him being told he's disgusting. Being told no one likes him and no one ever will. He watches silently as the other is thrown to the ground and hit and hit and hit and hit. He wants to yell and tell them to back off, but why? He's disgusting too. He's in the wrong and deserves the same thing. He considers trying to go in there and helping the other up, so maybe, just maybe he could take one of the blows too.
But he doesn't like any guy, he just uses them, he argues with himself. All he ever does is lie. He lies to himself constantly. He tricks himself and fools himself and he feels a part of him smile sadisticly at his own pain. But who really cares if he's hurting? Why should anyone?
He watches the other male and wonders if maybe he should be happy... the source of his sins is leaving. Maybe if he finishes it off it wouldn't be so wrong. He has to frown at himself for thinking like that and for a minute he wonders if there is something mentally wrong with him. But hell, he always wonders that and he always lies to himself and says it's nothing to worry about.
"You're beautiful when you think." He smiles thinking of how the other man traced his lips as he spoke those words. He wants to ponder about how someone like himself could be considered beautiful, but as he hears sobs coming from an all too familiar voice, he's figured he's had enough. "Hey! Stop it!" And they do. Everyone leaves. Because that wasn't their prey. They had no right to touch him.
He considers running to the other male, kissing his bloodied lips, rubbing his injured arm. He decides against it and in the most evily sadistic looking way, slowly walks up to the other male. He nudges the man on the ground with his shoe, but all that comes is a groan from a bloodied mouth. The man on the ground rolls onto his side, craddling himself.
"Are you hurt?" It's a stupid question, but he doesn't mean physically. And the man looks up to him, and he wants to gasp at the affection he sees in those eyes. The man makes an expression for him, and he knows he's the only one the male on the ground would do that for because he knows it hurts. He can see the wounds on the man's face split more as he smirks slightly. "They wish."
The man is trying his best to stay strong so he decides to play the bloodied and bruised man's game. "Baby," he spats at the man on the ground. "I think you're more hurt than me." He smirks back and with fake venom spits out, "yeah right." Though, he has to think, because right now his chest is tightening painfully and he feels his heart throbbing. And for the first time he hears it pounding dangerously loud. The man on the ground smiles softly and closes his eyes.
He's surprised no ambulences have arrived by now, but it clicks that no one probably called one for him, so he himself takes out his pocket phone and dials the needed numbers.He stays with the man until the ambulences arrive. They ask what happened and he explains. He explains that the bloodied man had admitted he was in love with a man, and he is hated for it now.
"Did he love you?" His eyes widen. "No, no! I am only a... we don't really like each other. I just can't stand to see someone hurt." He wonders why they even considered the male loved him. Him of all people. "Why'd you stay with him the whole time then?" He considers this and lies to not only them, but himself once again. "I knew there would be questions."
There was police who questioned him, and he turned in the people who did this, shocking himself. He never would turn someone in and he figures it's just his mood today. And he wishes he doesn't always have to lie to himself. But what's he point? He wishes and lies too much. He lives in a fairytale. He lives in a dream. And he thinks, like he alway does. Maybe this is a nightmare.
~~
He's proud of himself. He has became successful, and he knows he has. He straightens his tie as he is in a business meeting. He never wanted to do this in life. He always wanted to be a dancer, but he made his father happy. He married a girl-three years a week ago-and had two children, one only a year, one two years. His father always wanted grandchildren. So did his mother. He's happy he could make them happy. Once his parents seperated, his father took him and moved far away. He left behind his past, and he took a turn for the better. Or so everyone thought. He has a great life, he tells himself and he smiles because for once he isn't lying. He knows it. It's the truth. Anyone would kill for a life like his.
Finally the meeting is over and he straightens his suit. He smiles and reaches across the table to shake hands with a man. He doesn't even know who the guy is. He laughs as the other man says something and he isn't paying attention to the words because he has this odd feeling. He turns to leave and runs his hands through his newly dyed blonde hair. He doesn't know what's wrong but he feels stressed. He's twenty-three. Maybe being this successful at such a young age was what was making him so stressed. Maybe having children at such a young age. But it doesn't matter, because soon he will be home and he will get to see his beautiful wife.
~~
He decides to take the subway home. His car broke down earlier. He walks down the sidewalk, not even paying attention to his surroundings because he can't shake this feeling that something, anything is going to happen. He bumps shoulders with someone. He assumes it was a man by the force and he turns to look at the man, but the other man beat him to it. "Watch where you're going!" He doesn't like the tone and wants to yell himself but he can't find the words as he sees the man's face.
He's always thought men was pretty before-and he knows it's wrong to think this considering he has a wife-but, wow, this guy is beautiful. "Sorry." He goes to shake the guy's hand, and he doesn't know why because after what happened that would be an awkward exchange, but he does anyway. The guy puts out his hand awkwardly, because, it's just weird to shake hands after that, but he does anyway.
Sparks. "I know you. If you don't remember me." He doesn't remember him. "I don't." "It's fine... so how have you been doing?" He wonders why the man didn't introduce himself then, but he doesn't voice it. "Good, I have a good job. A wife, two kids... you?" "Wife and children, huh. Never expected that." There's a smirk and he swears he's seen it before. "Well, as for me, I have a boyfriend. He's really sweet."
There's this sad feeling upon those words and he wonders why that would make him upset. He still doesn't know this person, but there's this voice nagging at the back of his head, but something keeps pushing it away. "Good for you..." He wants to say it's wrong, but he remembers when he was only a teenager and he had a guy who he slept with all the time. The teen was wondeful, fun, gorgeous. And then his eyes widen.
Yes. He remembers him. He knows him. Too well. Memories flood his mind, those lips and his, meshing, clashing, tasting, licking. Memories of restless nights, his head on the other man's chest and breathing in a musky sex filled scent. He misses this guy. He always has. Too many nights he's felt something missing. No. He's being stupid. He has a wife, children. Who he loves completely.
"I should get home to my wife," he says with a calm, confident voice of a professional. "I should get home to my boyfriend," says the other with a smirk. "Nice meeting you again," he says and he is startled by an all-too familiar smile. "Do you remember my name?" "D-Donghae. Of course." He's unsure as the mention man comes a bit closer, face so dangerously close. "No honorifics?" There's that smirk again and damn, he's screwed.
"Well, there was a time when I could call you that." He looks at the smirking man's face and he wants to run. Now. "That's in the past, this is the present. I thought a... business? Yeah, a business man like yourself would be able to tell that apart." There's a pang of something but he brushes it off because it's probably nothing, and after a moment of him being silent, the man's smirk drops and he speaks again. "I should be getting home... to my boyfriend. It's nice seeing you again."
He nods and they go to walk their seperate ways, but then he feels a hand on his arm. turning him. He's taking by surprise as he feels lips on his own and there's this feeling of something so familiar. Something... something so great that he doesn't want to stop. No. You're just getting too into the moment, he says to himself and pushes down the thought that says that he's not. He feels himself pull away, only after the lips have left his own and it doesn't occur to him at that moment that he's in the middle of the street and anyone can see because right now, all that matters is the man in front of him and the current situation.
It goes by too fast. The other man tells him he's going to go and gives him one last pat on the back and turns, walking away. He wants to yell out to the other man, but why? He turns from watching the man and takes a step, deciding he's late to go home anyway and needs to hurry. Though he hears a shout and turns around. "Hey, when you stop lying to yourself, come find me, Hyukjae." It is the last thing he hears and he turns back around, walking home. And he thinks about it, and he wishes he didn't ever lie to himself. He wishes they stayed together, but that's all he's ever done, is wished and lie, and think, and he smiles as he hears his name coming from Donghae's mouth in his head and how matured the voice is.
He wonders how different his voice sounds, and he smiles as he turns around again, seeing a speck of a figure walking briskly in the distance. He turns back around and considers stopping the other man, but instead he smiles again and walks faster to his destination, leaving behind the scene that just occured. Maybe one day, maybe one day they'll meet again.
He brushes off that pang again but this time he acknowledges it. He pushes down his thoughts and tries to not think of turning around, running to catch up with the man and starting a new life, leaving everything behind, because his life is perfect as it is, and he is Lee Hyukjae. The Lee Hyukjae who every man envies. But, he can't help but think, if that's true, why does he feel so small and beat down?
Rating: PG
Pairing: Haehyuk
Summary: He wonders how different his voice sounds, and he smiles as he turns around again, seeing a speck of a figure walking briskly in the distance. He turns back around and considers stopping the other man, but instead he smiles again and walks faster to his destination, leaving behind the scene that just occured. Maybe one day, maybe one day they'll meet again.
He smiles though he isn't even sure himself if it is real or fake. He wonders for a bit. He considers the consequences, and hell, he knows trouble lies ahead if he keeps this up. But for now, while he is young, and desperate, and looking for love he knows may never last-he will keep it like this.
He doesn't want to listen to others, or his own mind-constantly repeating those words others speak. He doesn't want to hear it's wrong, and he doesn't want to hear it's a sin, because as teeth clash against his, all he can think about is the way the other tastes. He tastes like innocence. Like strawberries and candy. It reminds him of when he was a kid and he would beg his parents for sweets. Back when he didn't hear of nonsense like politics, prejudice and money was just something that came from his parents; whenever he wanted something he would hear the faint whispers from his father saying "we don't have the money" and then his too-loving mother saying "just this one time." Though he doesn't even know how many "one times" there was.
As he feels a tongue, sweet and soft push at his own amd he can't help but not care. He doesn't think like he normally does. He doesn't worry like he normally does and he is carefree, and he wishes he could feel like this everyday. He wishes he could feel his body meshing with another's, he wishes everyday he could experience the light feeling he has in his stomach. He wishes he could smile against his better judgment all the time, but now. He settles to take it now rather than never.
And he knows later he will wish he never took this chance. He knows he will wish he never experienced this feeling because after this, all he will ever want is that feeling. Despite himself, he smiles again, he backs away from the kiss and places a peck to the other's shoulder. "I love you, Donghae," comes the faint whisper in between breathless pants. He looks into the other's eyes. He wants to repeat the words but he isn't sure he knows how to.
He opens his mouth but no words come out and he looks at the other's smiling face. It's reassuring. It's everything he's ever needed to see. But he still has his uncertainty. "My parents are divorcing," he mumbles as he spreads his hands out on the other's chest. He hears a faint grunt and he knows it's a questioning one, but he doesn't answer. It was just a warning. A warning he wishes he would never of had to of gave. But things doesn't always go someone's way, and he wants-he wishes-they could.
He laughs as the person sits back on the chair in the class room and pulls him down onto their lap. He feels the other nibbling at his ear and he wishes everything could make him this happy. He gasps as the other bites down particulary hard and he frowns as he realizes all he ever does is wish, and wish, and wish. But he is hopeful, and he has dreams. That seems like it's all he ever has, sometimes.
He doesn't worry himself though, because now he has someone sucking on his jaw and he panicks and pulls back because everyone will know a female didn't make that mark and he doesn't want to hear more about how he is sinning and how he's going to be sent to hell. He doesn't want to be told his life is wrong.
Maybe, maybe this is just want. A want to be touched, held, and not feel lonely. This is what he thinks as he tries to level with himself. Maybe it's just temptation. Maybe. He knows it's not as he giggles when the other palms at his stomach; he's ticklish there.
"Are you staying with your father or mother?" He doesn't want to answer so he just hangs his head down. The other male understands. "When are you moving?" "Soon." He doesn't want to say that this may be the last time they get to see each other. Here, in this school class room where anyone can walk in and see them. It's not romantic and neither is any other time they've been together. That's just how they are.
It started out with them as enemies who realized they liked the same gender and knew they had no one but each other. Then it turned into... he doesn't ever think about it because he doesn't want to admit it to himself. He doesn't want to admit he has fallen in love. So he doesn't. He just tricks himself into believing after he leaves he is just going to miss the late nights they would sneak out and have sex, blunty put.
He puts it that way because that's all he'll ever admit to himself it is. Between them it isn't love making, because neither of them care for each other. All those times when they lied there together, holding one another, giving each other little pecks here and there, not speaking-it meant nothing. They didn't care for each other.
They were just too tired to get up. That's what he likes to think. He frowns as his thoughts consume him, but he snaps out of it when someone bites him softly on the shoulder to get his attention. "How soon?" He pecks the other on the lips. "Too soon." He waits and he isn't even sure what he's waiting for. Maybe for the other to say he'll miss him? But he just shakes his head because he tells himself he won't miss the other and the other male won't miss him. They're just enemies who use the other to satisfy their own twisted needs, because no matter what, this is wrong. This is a sin.
~~
He sits there silently and listens to him being told he's disgusting. Being told no one likes him and no one ever will. He watches silently as the other is thrown to the ground and hit and hit and hit and hit. He wants to yell and tell them to back off, but why? He's disgusting too. He's in the wrong and deserves the same thing. He considers trying to go in there and helping the other up, so maybe, just maybe he could take one of the blows too.
But he doesn't like any guy, he just uses them, he argues with himself. All he ever does is lie. He lies to himself constantly. He tricks himself and fools himself and he feels a part of him smile sadisticly at his own pain. But who really cares if he's hurting? Why should anyone?
He watches the other male and wonders if maybe he should be happy... the source of his sins is leaving. Maybe if he finishes it off it wouldn't be so wrong. He has to frown at himself for thinking like that and for a minute he wonders if there is something mentally wrong with him. But hell, he always wonders that and he always lies to himself and says it's nothing to worry about.
"You're beautiful when you think." He smiles thinking of how the other man traced his lips as he spoke those words. He wants to ponder about how someone like himself could be considered beautiful, but as he hears sobs coming from an all too familiar voice, he's figured he's had enough. "Hey! Stop it!" And they do. Everyone leaves. Because that wasn't their prey. They had no right to touch him.
He considers running to the other male, kissing his bloodied lips, rubbing his injured arm. He decides against it and in the most evily sadistic looking way, slowly walks up to the other male. He nudges the man on the ground with his shoe, but all that comes is a groan from a bloodied mouth. The man on the ground rolls onto his side, craddling himself.
"Are you hurt?" It's a stupid question, but he doesn't mean physically. And the man looks up to him, and he wants to gasp at the affection he sees in those eyes. The man makes an expression for him, and he knows he's the only one the male on the ground would do that for because he knows it hurts. He can see the wounds on the man's face split more as he smirks slightly. "They wish."
The man is trying his best to stay strong so he decides to play the bloodied and bruised man's game. "Baby," he spats at the man on the ground. "I think you're more hurt than me." He smirks back and with fake venom spits out, "yeah right." Though, he has to think, because right now his chest is tightening painfully and he feels his heart throbbing. And for the first time he hears it pounding dangerously loud. The man on the ground smiles softly and closes his eyes.
He's surprised no ambulences have arrived by now, but it clicks that no one probably called one for him, so he himself takes out his pocket phone and dials the needed numbers.He stays with the man until the ambulences arrive. They ask what happened and he explains. He explains that the bloodied man had admitted he was in love with a man, and he is hated for it now.
"Did he love you?" His eyes widen. "No, no! I am only a... we don't really like each other. I just can't stand to see someone hurt." He wonders why they even considered the male loved him. Him of all people. "Why'd you stay with him the whole time then?" He considers this and lies to not only them, but himself once again. "I knew there would be questions."
There was police who questioned him, and he turned in the people who did this, shocking himself. He never would turn someone in and he figures it's just his mood today. And he wishes he doesn't always have to lie to himself. But what's he point? He wishes and lies too much. He lives in a fairytale. He lives in a dream. And he thinks, like he alway does. Maybe this is a nightmare.
~~
He's proud of himself. He has became successful, and he knows he has. He straightens his tie as he is in a business meeting. He never wanted to do this in life. He always wanted to be a dancer, but he made his father happy. He married a girl-three years a week ago-and had two children, one only a year, one two years. His father always wanted grandchildren. So did his mother. He's happy he could make them happy. Once his parents seperated, his father took him and moved far away. He left behind his past, and he took a turn for the better. Or so everyone thought. He has a great life, he tells himself and he smiles because for once he isn't lying. He knows it. It's the truth. Anyone would kill for a life like his.
Finally the meeting is over and he straightens his suit. He smiles and reaches across the table to shake hands with a man. He doesn't even know who the guy is. He laughs as the other man says something and he isn't paying attention to the words because he has this odd feeling. He turns to leave and runs his hands through his newly dyed blonde hair. He doesn't know what's wrong but he feels stressed. He's twenty-three. Maybe being this successful at such a young age was what was making him so stressed. Maybe having children at such a young age. But it doesn't matter, because soon he will be home and he will get to see his beautiful wife.
~~
He decides to take the subway home. His car broke down earlier. He walks down the sidewalk, not even paying attention to his surroundings because he can't shake this feeling that something, anything is going to happen. He bumps shoulders with someone. He assumes it was a man by the force and he turns to look at the man, but the other man beat him to it. "Watch where you're going!" He doesn't like the tone and wants to yell himself but he can't find the words as he sees the man's face.
He's always thought men was pretty before-and he knows it's wrong to think this considering he has a wife-but, wow, this guy is beautiful. "Sorry." He goes to shake the guy's hand, and he doesn't know why because after what happened that would be an awkward exchange, but he does anyway. The guy puts out his hand awkwardly, because, it's just weird to shake hands after that, but he does anyway.
Sparks. "I know you. If you don't remember me." He doesn't remember him. "I don't." "It's fine... so how have you been doing?" He wonders why the man didn't introduce himself then, but he doesn't voice it. "Good, I have a good job. A wife, two kids... you?" "Wife and children, huh. Never expected that." There's a smirk and he swears he's seen it before. "Well, as for me, I have a boyfriend. He's really sweet."
There's this sad feeling upon those words and he wonders why that would make him upset. He still doesn't know this person, but there's this voice nagging at the back of his head, but something keeps pushing it away. "Good for you..." He wants to say it's wrong, but he remembers when he was only a teenager and he had a guy who he slept with all the time. The teen was wondeful, fun, gorgeous. And then his eyes widen.
Yes. He remembers him. He knows him. Too well. Memories flood his mind, those lips and his, meshing, clashing, tasting, licking. Memories of restless nights, his head on the other man's chest and breathing in a musky sex filled scent. He misses this guy. He always has. Too many nights he's felt something missing. No. He's being stupid. He has a wife, children. Who he loves completely.
"I should get home to my wife," he says with a calm, confident voice of a professional. "I should get home to my boyfriend," says the other with a smirk. "Nice meeting you again," he says and he is startled by an all-too familiar smile. "Do you remember my name?" "D-Donghae. Of course." He's unsure as the mention man comes a bit closer, face so dangerously close. "No honorifics?" There's that smirk again and damn, he's screwed.
"Well, there was a time when I could call you that." He looks at the smirking man's face and he wants to run. Now. "That's in the past, this is the present. I thought a... business? Yeah, a business man like yourself would be able to tell that apart." There's a pang of something but he brushes it off because it's probably nothing, and after a moment of him being silent, the man's smirk drops and he speaks again. "I should be getting home... to my boyfriend. It's nice seeing you again."
He nods and they go to walk their seperate ways, but then he feels a hand on his arm. turning him. He's taking by surprise as he feels lips on his own and there's this feeling of something so familiar. Something... something so great that he doesn't want to stop. No. You're just getting too into the moment, he says to himself and pushes down the thought that says that he's not. He feels himself pull away, only after the lips have left his own and it doesn't occur to him at that moment that he's in the middle of the street and anyone can see because right now, all that matters is the man in front of him and the current situation.
It goes by too fast. The other man tells him he's going to go and gives him one last pat on the back and turns, walking away. He wants to yell out to the other man, but why? He turns from watching the man and takes a step, deciding he's late to go home anyway and needs to hurry. Though he hears a shout and turns around. "Hey, when you stop lying to yourself, come find me, Hyukjae." It is the last thing he hears and he turns back around, walking home. And he thinks about it, and he wishes he didn't ever lie to himself. He wishes they stayed together, but that's all he's ever done, is wished and lie, and think, and he smiles as he hears his name coming from Donghae's mouth in his head and how matured the voice is.
He wonders how different his voice sounds, and he smiles as he turns around again, seeing a speck of a figure walking briskly in the distance. He turns back around and considers stopping the other man, but instead he smiles again and walks faster to his destination, leaving behind the scene that just occured. Maybe one day, maybe one day they'll meet again.
He brushes off that pang again but this time he acknowledges it. He pushes down his thoughts and tries to not think of turning around, running to catch up with the man and starting a new life, leaving everything behind, because his life is perfect as it is, and he is Lee Hyukjae. The Lee Hyukjae who every man envies. But, he can't help but think, if that's true, why does he feel so small and beat down?