A New Goal
Well, I had a fight with Mary today. Not a discussion i wanted to have but it comes out neways. I was alittle hurt that she went back on her initial word, but i knew she wouldnt remember saying such a thing neways. But needless to say we had a fight and I took steps to assure i wouldnt bother her anymore.
Now begins the long part, no ones interested in my life but i write this down for reference so i dont forget. Ever since i lost mary ive been half the man or less than I once was. Losing her truly was the end of my hope and dreams. I hadnt planned anything else except to be happy with her so i lost my entire foothold on life with her. These past 5 years My only hope and the only thing that Ive had thats kept me clinging to life has been the hope that one day I would get her back. I have tried over and over again to get her back, done everything I knew how. In the end the colosal weight of my depression only increased with my love for her. Due to the various strategies i placed in line to help me win back her love ive come out hating myself feverishly and hating my life in general. My confidence is unable to grow because every time hope shines its light on it, it is soon dashes away and cast into darkness. A new strategy occured to me today when i was so angry with mary and myself. The underlying rule of everything i have chosen to do with my life. Ever since I was a kid i prefered the hardest road and the most irritating way, Always shooting for unrealistic things. Except for the one thing i cared about most, romance and love. Getting married is my only true dream. Having a nice girl when you come home treating her kindly and making her life as wonderful as possible and just delighting in her smile every day. Yet with this goal i decided I couldnt try for the best I couldnt look for something better, not only was there nothing better but I wasnt even capable of getting even the lowest of girls to go out with me and there would be no chance had i looked higher. Ive decided to right this wrong in my tapestry of life laws. If im going to shoot for the best in everything else I might as well share that conviction in that most important arena of love.
I will marry the best, and most perfect girl out there. She will be attractive, beautiful pretty cute with big breasts! a fun personality, She will be kind to me and loving and she wont drink or smoke or do drugs and she wont be a sex freak and most likely even a virgin! she will enjoy video games and reading! I will find that perfect girl because I will settle for nothing less. Mary was a great girl but she has no room in her heart for love or romance. Shes a solo person. My heart is specialized towards love and its all i care about. Alot of people may think this an error in my personality but there are certain pieces of my personality I do not wish to change. I am the boyfriend/husband type. I love women I will do anything for them I enjoy romantic things and all that mushy sappy crap that guys arent supposed to like. I am proud of that part of me. I am proud of the fact that I loved Mary from the bottom of my heart for almost 5 years most of which she was either cold and uncaring towards me or completely out of my reach, Despite whatever i went through my love for her was unwavering. To me thats what a mans love should be. YOu should be able to weather even the harshest storm and still come out strong resolute towards your goal. I dont care if people think im obsessive or stupid or any kind of thing, Im proud that I worked so hard for her, she deserved my efforts and I will give even more to the perfect girl once i find her.
Because I have raised the bar I need to take this more seriously. I may need more time to find this perfect girl so I have to prolong my life a little bit, I cant die at 40 now because it may take me that long just to find her. I will have to tone down my soda and start eating better. Ive also decided to designate certain days in which I will work out. I plan to move back into my parents house and leave my aunt and uncle alone, and ill work hard and get in shape. I think that if you work hard enough you even sweat away your problems of the heart. training the body and training the mind are one sometimes. Even if I dont have a girl in sight I can trust my training atleast knowing that im getting somewhere that I have a goal and that every time I try im getting closer to it. Ill do everything I can. My anger with myself and my life is complete right now and nothing will calm it unless I start kicking some ass. I have a great deal of other problems to deal with, including my friends and school and everything else. But Love is the thing that is most important to me, and therfor I will work on it first. I will win, for the sake of whats left of my heart, and I will find that perfect girl and I will love her more than any girl has ever been before. It is with an angry and fiery passion that I devote myself to this.
To me, as Ryan, as myself, Love is the most important thing in the world. Therfor it will be the first aspect of life to see my true 100%
Now begins the long part, no ones interested in my life but i write this down for reference so i dont forget. Ever since i lost mary ive been half the man or less than I once was. Losing her truly was the end of my hope and dreams. I hadnt planned anything else except to be happy with her so i lost my entire foothold on life with her. These past 5 years My only hope and the only thing that Ive had thats kept me clinging to life has been the hope that one day I would get her back. I have tried over and over again to get her back, done everything I knew how. In the end the colosal weight of my depression only increased with my love for her. Due to the various strategies i placed in line to help me win back her love ive come out hating myself feverishly and hating my life in general. My confidence is unable to grow because every time hope shines its light on it, it is soon dashes away and cast into darkness. A new strategy occured to me today when i was so angry with mary and myself. The underlying rule of everything i have chosen to do with my life. Ever since I was a kid i prefered the hardest road and the most irritating way, Always shooting for unrealistic things. Except for the one thing i cared about most, romance and love. Getting married is my only true dream. Having a nice girl when you come home treating her kindly and making her life as wonderful as possible and just delighting in her smile every day. Yet with this goal i decided I couldnt try for the best I couldnt look for something better, not only was there nothing better but I wasnt even capable of getting even the lowest of girls to go out with me and there would be no chance had i looked higher. Ive decided to right this wrong in my tapestry of life laws. If im going to shoot for the best in everything else I might as well share that conviction in that most important arena of love.
I will marry the best, and most perfect girl out there. She will be attractive, beautiful pretty cute with big breasts! a fun personality, She will be kind to me and loving and she wont drink or smoke or do drugs and she wont be a sex freak and most likely even a virgin! she will enjoy video games and reading! I will find that perfect girl because I will settle for nothing less. Mary was a great girl but she has no room in her heart for love or romance. Shes a solo person. My heart is specialized towards love and its all i care about. Alot of people may think this an error in my personality but there are certain pieces of my personality I do not wish to change. I am the boyfriend/husband type. I love women I will do anything for them I enjoy romantic things and all that mushy sappy crap that guys arent supposed to like. I am proud of that part of me. I am proud of the fact that I loved Mary from the bottom of my heart for almost 5 years most of which she was either cold and uncaring towards me or completely out of my reach, Despite whatever i went through my love for her was unwavering. To me thats what a mans love should be. YOu should be able to weather even the harshest storm and still come out strong resolute towards your goal. I dont care if people think im obsessive or stupid or any kind of thing, Im proud that I worked so hard for her, she deserved my efforts and I will give even more to the perfect girl once i find her.
Because I have raised the bar I need to take this more seriously. I may need more time to find this perfect girl so I have to prolong my life a little bit, I cant die at 40 now because it may take me that long just to find her. I will have to tone down my soda and start eating better. Ive also decided to designate certain days in which I will work out. I plan to move back into my parents house and leave my aunt and uncle alone, and ill work hard and get in shape. I think that if you work hard enough you even sweat away your problems of the heart. training the body and training the mind are one sometimes. Even if I dont have a girl in sight I can trust my training atleast knowing that im getting somewhere that I have a goal and that every time I try im getting closer to it. Ill do everything I can. My anger with myself and my life is complete right now and nothing will calm it unless I start kicking some ass. I have a great deal of other problems to deal with, including my friends and school and everything else. But Love is the thing that is most important to me, and therfor I will work on it first. I will win, for the sake of whats left of my heart, and I will find that perfect girl and I will love her more than any girl has ever been before. It is with an angry and fiery passion that I devote myself to this.
To me, as Ryan, as myself, Love is the most important thing in the world. Therfor it will be the first aspect of life to see my true 100%