Mass Effect Series: He's An Ass Man
Title: He's An Ass Man
Fandom: Mass Effect Series
Character(s): Shepard, Jack, Kaidan
Pairing(s): Male Shepard/Kaidan Alenko
Word Count: 1159
Genre: humor/general/romance
Rating: PG-13/T (so much cuuuuursing)
Notes: Ohgod, when was the last time I finished/posted a fic? I don't want to know. I'm on a upward swing mood-wise, so not gonna fuck with thaaat. Set during ME3, any time after Grissom Academy. The prompt was: "Author's choice, author's choice, "I would climb that [him/her] like a tree."" Unbeta, as usual.
Link: comment_fic
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She tilted her toward one of the many writhing bodies in the crowd, dancing to the beat of the loud club music. “I would climb that like a tree.”
“Jack!” her companion sitting across from her at the table exclaimed with a frown.
Jack rolled her eyes and snatched Shepard's drink. “You are such a pussy,” she stated, knocked back his drink then placed it in front of him. “If you can't dance, won't drink, and you're against quick fucks, what the fuck are you doing in a club?”
“Meeting with you,” he replied, honestly.
“You are so damned soft,” Jack muttered, shaking her head. “C'mon, Shepard. The whole point of this shit was to get you to relax. If you're too keyed up fighting Reapers and Cerberus fuckers, they're gonna get an easy headshot in.”
Shepard's lips quirked into a little smile. “Aww, Jack, that sounds like you care.”
“Like fuck I do,” she retorted with a glare before standing up. “I'm going out there to dance, and I'm coming back for two lays. No threesomes for me tonight, so yes, one of them is gonna be for you, you pussy.”
Then as quickly as it came, Shepard's smile turned down into a frown. “Jack, don't-”
“Not listening,” Jack replied, jumping over the booth with ease. “Unless you've god a damn good excuse that has nothing to do with calculating war assets, there's fuck all you can say to stop me. That one has a nice ass, by the bar.”
Shepard instinctively looked up then quickly away, staring at his empty glass. “Uhh...” he mumbled looking flushed even under the bad lighting.
Jack raised an eyebrow before smirking. “Ooh, Commander fucking Shepard is an ass man,” Jack announced, garnering a some looks from people close enough to hear her. “Well, then I'll make sure to bring that hot piece of ass over here. Don't fuck it up.”
Then she was gone to the upper level of the club before Shepard could stop her. Jack weaved through the crowds easily, and she even bothered not to shove dumbasses out of her way. Once she reached the bar, Jack leaned against it, right next to the man with the nice ass.
“Hey, nice ass,” she said in lieu of a proper greeting.
The man in question turned to her with a bewildered look. “I'm sorry, I'm not interested in...”
“Not me,” Jack cut in, thumbing behind her and down the stairs where Shepard was sitting. “My friend over there likes your ass. He'd climb you like a fucking tree if you buy him a drink.”
The man looked at her table and Shepard. His expression changed quite quickly as a smile came to his lips. “Oh, does he?” he murmured quietly before turning to the bartender. “Two more of what I just had.”
Jack smirked, crossing her arms across her chest. “Better hurry your hot ass up,” she said as the bartender slid the man his two drinks, but he still had one from earlier sitting there.
He took a deep breath before quickly finishing off his earlier drink then handing over one of the new drinks to Jack. “Thanks for bringing this my attention, Jack,” he said before heading downstairs.
The use of her name startled her, and Jack glared after him. She slammed back the drink, tossed the glass behind the bar and ignored the angry shout from the bartender as the glass shattered, then stalked down the stairs. Anyone who knows her name could not be good news, and Jack had no time for that kind of bullshit.
When she reached the table she had left hardly fifteen minutes ago, Jack stared hard at the man who sat close to Shepard, who was looking pretty sheepish for a commander of the Normandy. “How the fuck do you know my name, and who the fuck are you?” Jack asked angrily.
Shepard's head snapped up; he apparently had not noticed her return, even though she was probably glowing blue a bit from her biotics charging up from anger. “Jack, this is Kaidan Alenko. He's-”
“The fucker who dissed you on Horizon,” Jack replied with a glare in Kaidan's direction. “I heard about it, since people never knew how to shut the fuck up on the Normandy.”
Kaidan frowned, guilt clear on his face. “Not my best moment,” he said quietly. “We've gotten passed it, though.”
Before Jack could interject with another caustic remark or perhaps an off-color description of how broken up Shepard was after visiting that colony and seeing Kaidan, Shepard stood up, putting himself between them. “Jack, we're good. He's been on the Normandy with me for months.”
Jack's biotic glow faded while her scowl only softened ever so slightly then she looked between the two men before smacking Shepard upside the head. “If he's been on the ship for months and you're not hung up on Horizon bullshit, why haven't you fucking hit that? What the fuck does it take?”
Shepard made choked sound as Kaidan coughed to cover up a laugh. “That could have made things very awkward...”
Jack snorted in response. “Oh, like having me telling you two to find a dark corner and get fucking already isn't more awkward?”
Shepard choked again, burying his face in hands. “Jack!”
She just laughed before turning to Kaidan. “Pretty boy, get him back to the Normandy before he fucking pops a blood vessel. Give him a good fuck. I mean, what else is that fucking posh room of his for?”
Kaidan seemed as uncomfortable with her suggestions as Shepard, but at least he wasn't muttering that this wasn't happening. “I'll...take your advice under advisement,” Kaidan replied as he stood up and nudged Shepard. “C'mon, Shepard. I know you're not a big fan of crowds either.”
“Kaidan...” Shepard began, but Jack gave him a shove before he could say anything stupid.
“Just go already. I can't get laid with you two love birds fucking around here,” she stated with an air of authority or something like it.
“Nice meeting you too, Jack,” Kaidan said then whispered something in Shepard's ear.
Shepard hesitated for a moment before grinning a bit. “Yeah, you're right.” He paused then looked over to Jack. “Good to see you again, Jack.”
Jack waved him off dismissively. “You're still here. What did I just say?”
With that, the two men left, shoulder to shoulder and hands brushing with each other's with each step. Jack smiled a bit at the scene before shaking her head and scowling. Cute shit wasn't her thing, and those two were just past cute and into adorable territory.
“Fuck that shit,” she muttered as she headed back to the upper level of the club to get a drink and maybe see if that dude she had seen dancing earlier was up for a quick fuck in the shadows.
Fandom: Mass Effect Series
Character(s): Shepard, Jack, Kaidan
Pairing(s): Male Shepard/Kaidan Alenko
Word Count: 1159
Genre: humor/general/romance
Rating: PG-13/T (so much cuuuuursing)
Notes: Ohgod, when was the last time I finished/posted a fic? I don't want to know. I'm on a upward swing mood-wise, so not gonna fuck with thaaat. Set during ME3, any time after Grissom Academy. The prompt was: "Author's choice, author's choice, "I would climb that [him/her] like a tree."" Unbeta, as usual.
Link: comment_fic
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She tilted her toward one of the many writhing bodies in the crowd, dancing to the beat of the loud club music. “I would climb that like a tree.”
“Jack!” her companion sitting across from her at the table exclaimed with a frown.
Jack rolled her eyes and snatched Shepard's drink. “You are such a pussy,” she stated, knocked back his drink then placed it in front of him. “If you can't dance, won't drink, and you're against quick fucks, what the fuck are you doing in a club?”
“Meeting with you,” he replied, honestly.
“You are so damned soft,” Jack muttered, shaking her head. “C'mon, Shepard. The whole point of this shit was to get you to relax. If you're too keyed up fighting Reapers and Cerberus fuckers, they're gonna get an easy headshot in.”
Shepard's lips quirked into a little smile. “Aww, Jack, that sounds like you care.”
“Like fuck I do,” she retorted with a glare before standing up. “I'm going out there to dance, and I'm coming back for two lays. No threesomes for me tonight, so yes, one of them is gonna be for you, you pussy.”
Then as quickly as it came, Shepard's smile turned down into a frown. “Jack, don't-”
“Not listening,” Jack replied, jumping over the booth with ease. “Unless you've god a damn good excuse that has nothing to do with calculating war assets, there's fuck all you can say to stop me. That one has a nice ass, by the bar.”
Shepard instinctively looked up then quickly away, staring at his empty glass. “Uhh...” he mumbled looking flushed even under the bad lighting.
Jack raised an eyebrow before smirking. “Ooh, Commander fucking Shepard is an ass man,” Jack announced, garnering a some looks from people close enough to hear her. “Well, then I'll make sure to bring that hot piece of ass over here. Don't fuck it up.”
Then she was gone to the upper level of the club before Shepard could stop her. Jack weaved through the crowds easily, and she even bothered not to shove dumbasses out of her way. Once she reached the bar, Jack leaned against it, right next to the man with the nice ass.
“Hey, nice ass,” she said in lieu of a proper greeting.
The man in question turned to her with a bewildered look. “I'm sorry, I'm not interested in...”
“Not me,” Jack cut in, thumbing behind her and down the stairs where Shepard was sitting. “My friend over there likes your ass. He'd climb you like a fucking tree if you buy him a drink.”
The man looked at her table and Shepard. His expression changed quite quickly as a smile came to his lips. “Oh, does he?” he murmured quietly before turning to the bartender. “Two more of what I just had.”
Jack smirked, crossing her arms across her chest. “Better hurry your hot ass up,” she said as the bartender slid the man his two drinks, but he still had one from earlier sitting there.
He took a deep breath before quickly finishing off his earlier drink then handing over one of the new drinks to Jack. “Thanks for bringing this my attention, Jack,” he said before heading downstairs.
The use of her name startled her, and Jack glared after him. She slammed back the drink, tossed the glass behind the bar and ignored the angry shout from the bartender as the glass shattered, then stalked down the stairs. Anyone who knows her name could not be good news, and Jack had no time for that kind of bullshit.
When she reached the table she had left hardly fifteen minutes ago, Jack stared hard at the man who sat close to Shepard, who was looking pretty sheepish for a commander of the Normandy. “How the fuck do you know my name, and who the fuck are you?” Jack asked angrily.
Shepard's head snapped up; he apparently had not noticed her return, even though she was probably glowing blue a bit from her biotics charging up from anger. “Jack, this is Kaidan Alenko. He's-”
“The fucker who dissed you on Horizon,” Jack replied with a glare in Kaidan's direction. “I heard about it, since people never knew how to shut the fuck up on the Normandy.”
Kaidan frowned, guilt clear on his face. “Not my best moment,” he said quietly. “We've gotten passed it, though.”
Before Jack could interject with another caustic remark or perhaps an off-color description of how broken up Shepard was after visiting that colony and seeing Kaidan, Shepard stood up, putting himself between them. “Jack, we're good. He's been on the Normandy with me for months.”
Jack's biotic glow faded while her scowl only softened ever so slightly then she looked between the two men before smacking Shepard upside the head. “If he's been on the ship for months and you're not hung up on Horizon bullshit, why haven't you fucking hit that? What the fuck does it take?”
Shepard made choked sound as Kaidan coughed to cover up a laugh. “That could have made things very awkward...”
Jack snorted in response. “Oh, like having me telling you two to find a dark corner and get fucking already isn't more awkward?”
Shepard choked again, burying his face in hands. “Jack!”
She just laughed before turning to Kaidan. “Pretty boy, get him back to the Normandy before he fucking pops a blood vessel. Give him a good fuck. I mean, what else is that fucking posh room of his for?”
Kaidan seemed as uncomfortable with her suggestions as Shepard, but at least he wasn't muttering that this wasn't happening. “I'll...take your advice under advisement,” Kaidan replied as he stood up and nudged Shepard. “C'mon, Shepard. I know you're not a big fan of crowds either.”
“Kaidan...” Shepard began, but Jack gave him a shove before he could say anything stupid.
“Just go already. I can't get laid with you two love birds fucking around here,” she stated with an air of authority or something like it.
“Nice meeting you too, Jack,” Kaidan said then whispered something in Shepard's ear.
Shepard hesitated for a moment before grinning a bit. “Yeah, you're right.” He paused then looked over to Jack. “Good to see you again, Jack.”
Jack waved him off dismissively. “You're still here. What did I just say?”
With that, the two men left, shoulder to shoulder and hands brushing with each other's with each step. Jack smiled a bit at the scene before shaking her head and scowling. Cute shit wasn't her thing, and those two were just past cute and into adorable territory.
“Fuck that shit,” she muttered as she headed back to the upper level of the club to get a drink and maybe see if that dude she had seen dancing earlier was up for a quick fuck in the shadows.