nantokane...
I'm feeling super super emotional right now for reasons that will go unmentioned. What's wrong with me? Ugh...
I'm still looking for it. I'm looking for it over and over and over and still can't find it. Maybe one day I'll be able to? I wonder...
まだ探してるよ。もっともっと探せば探すほど・・・見つけられるはず・・・なのか。でもまだ見つけられなかった。もしかして近い未来でずっと見つけられる・・・かしら。この運命はね・・・
I don't know if I can truly express myself right now... All my thoughts are a jumble and all in Japanese because I've overdosed on thinking in Japanese or something so I can't properly express myself in English right now... But maybe I can try. Let's see...
I cried today. A lot. I liked it because I was crying for a reason that made me happy. That hasn't happened in ... several years. And I just realize it now... all this time the past couple of years that I cried were for things that made me upset, sad, depressed, bothered... whatever it was.
I cried when I lost hope for something in January. I cried all night and worried people and the person I was crying over stayed up all night with me to help me out. That was a bad reason for me to cry because even though I realized that it was unjustified, I still did it even though I knew that I should've known better... after all, there was something else waiting for me somewhere... and because of that I lost that something. I kind of lost it for a while... I remember Valentine's Day I was still looking for the misguided feelings and the next day a tragedy happened in my family and that really distracted me and made me think. And then I got even more confused... which didn't help so I let go of the thing I did have... because I wasn't feeling anything. I was just confused. I said that I couldn't really do it at the time... and that's how I let that thing go. I can't say that I regret it, but I also can't say that I don't.
I guess I really don't know and that kind of thing is impossible for me... huh?
But I did realize something recently. Which I'll get to later because I'm getting off topic.
I cried when... I really don't remember right now, but... In June, four months later, the same thing happened... And... in July... I lost so much this year, huh...?
02.15.09 - RIP to my Great Aunt.
06.13.09 - RIP to my Great Uncle.
07.14.09 - RIP to my beloved Grandma.
I love you all. Really. I think a lot... I really think a lot. I do wish things were different. I wish I could change the past. But how can I change the past when I can't even change the present? I know what I should be doing but I have no control over my actions anymore. I really have no idea what I'm doing half the time. I can't act on my true desires. I don't know how. I don't know how to do the right thing. I might as well know what the right thing is but I can't do it. What's wrong with me? Please don't let me lose anymore. I don't want to lose anymore. I really don't. Please...
Getting back to before, I realized that I've grown apart from my past. For the past 6... 7... 8... How long as it been? But for the past whatever number of years, I feel like I've truly forgotten about who I really am and what I'm doing and where I come from. It's been nagging at me. That kind of thing... That kind of thing isn't something normal people should do. I totally lost touch with so many things and it made me lose touch with myself and made me question my personality, my random memory gaps, my random... bipolar behavior? I guess... Maybe I have been acting bipolar. Maybe I should look into all of that... Go to therapy or something. But no. I don't want to. The truth is, I want to start seeing things and hearing things that might not be there. I want to... because I really do believe that they are there. They exist. I want to see them and hear them and feel them and touch them... I want them. I'm not a freak. I don't talk to myself. I talk in hopes that someone is listening, watching... doing something anyway. Is that so impossible... really?
I should chase my dreams... right? But what kind of dreams are chaseable and what kind aren't? If you say dreams come true if you really work for it, there shouldn't be any exceptions. It should be true for anything. And for a long time now I've forgotten what my dreams were. I think I remember now. Maybe not a hundred percent, but I remember a dream of mine that I've had forever that's been put to the back of my mind in the thoughts of how impossible they'd be... I want to chase that dream. I want to chase that dream even if I never find it... I really want to. I think it's all that I want. If I find that dream, I'll be happy for eternity... perhaps. But... telling people about this dream... no one will ever support me, huh?
「無理をしないで」って言うけど・・・
Cause even though they say "Don't do what's impossible/too much"...
もういいわね。本当にそんな無理をしたいと・・・知っているよ。
絶対・・・絶対そんな無理をするつもりだよ。
・・・ね？
Maybe I'm strange. But I'm not crazy. I'm just full of dreams that people might consider to be crazy. I'm... not insane. I'm normal. Because I'm me and no matter what anyone says or does, I can't be someone else. That doesn't go to say that I can't be someone else if I wanted to, which would also be hard... That's to say that nothing will change what I do or say... If I'm a liar, then so be it. If I'm full of crap, then so be it. It doesn't really matter... as long as I'm someone that I believe I am... right? So it doesn't really matter what I am, does it? Because I am whatever I make myself to be... That said, this is who I am. And this is the person who's going to challenge life and fate and break all the rules that come with that... kashira.
Taka
I'm still looking for it. I'm looking for it over and over and over and still can't find it. Maybe one day I'll be able to? I wonder...
まだ探してるよ。もっともっと探せば探すほど・・・見つけられるはず・・・なのか。でもまだ見つけられなかった。もしかして近い未来でずっと見つけられる・・・かしら。この運命はね・・・
I don't know if I can truly express myself right now... All my thoughts are a jumble and all in Japanese because I've overdosed on thinking in Japanese or something so I can't properly express myself in English right now... But maybe I can try. Let's see...
I cried today. A lot. I liked it because I was crying for a reason that made me happy. That hasn't happened in ... several years. And I just realize it now... all this time the past couple of years that I cried were for things that made me upset, sad, depressed, bothered... whatever it was.
I cried when I lost hope for something in January. I cried all night and worried people and the person I was crying over stayed up all night with me to help me out. That was a bad reason for me to cry because even though I realized that it was unjustified, I still did it even though I knew that I should've known better... after all, there was something else waiting for me somewhere... and because of that I lost that something. I kind of lost it for a while... I remember Valentine's Day I was still looking for the misguided feelings and the next day a tragedy happened in my family and that really distracted me and made me think. And then I got even more confused... which didn't help so I let go of the thing I did have... because I wasn't feeling anything. I was just confused. I said that I couldn't really do it at the time... and that's how I let that thing go. I can't say that I regret it, but I also can't say that I don't.
I guess I really don't know and that kind of thing is impossible for me... huh?
But I did realize something recently. Which I'll get to later because I'm getting off topic.
I cried when... I really don't remember right now, but... In June, four months later, the same thing happened... And... in July... I lost so much this year, huh...?
02.15.09 - RIP to my Great Aunt.
06.13.09 - RIP to my Great Uncle.
07.14.09 - RIP to my beloved Grandma.
I love you all. Really. I think a lot... I really think a lot. I do wish things were different. I wish I could change the past. But how can I change the past when I can't even change the present? I know what I should be doing but I have no control over my actions anymore. I really have no idea what I'm doing half the time. I can't act on my true desires. I don't know how. I don't know how to do the right thing. I might as well know what the right thing is but I can't do it. What's wrong with me? Please don't let me lose anymore. I don't want to lose anymore. I really don't. Please...
Getting back to before, I realized that I've grown apart from my past. For the past 6... 7... 8... How long as it been? But for the past whatever number of years, I feel like I've truly forgotten about who I really am and what I'm doing and where I come from. It's been nagging at me. That kind of thing... That kind of thing isn't something normal people should do. I totally lost touch with so many things and it made me lose touch with myself and made me question my personality, my random memory gaps, my random... bipolar behavior? I guess... Maybe I have been acting bipolar. Maybe I should look into all of that... Go to therapy or something. But no. I don't want to. The truth is, I want to start seeing things and hearing things that might not be there. I want to... because I really do believe that they are there. They exist. I want to see them and hear them and feel them and touch them... I want them. I'm not a freak. I don't talk to myself. I talk in hopes that someone is listening, watching... doing something anyway. Is that so impossible... really?
I should chase my dreams... right? But what kind of dreams are chaseable and what kind aren't? If you say dreams come true if you really work for it, there shouldn't be any exceptions. It should be true for anything. And for a long time now I've forgotten what my dreams were. I think I remember now. Maybe not a hundred percent, but I remember a dream of mine that I've had forever that's been put to the back of my mind in the thoughts of how impossible they'd be... I want to chase that dream. I want to chase that dream even if I never find it... I really want to. I think it's all that I want. If I find that dream, I'll be happy for eternity... perhaps. But... telling people about this dream... no one will ever support me, huh?
「無理をしないで」って言うけど・・・
Cause even though they say "Don't do what's impossible/too much"...
もういいわね。本当にそんな無理をしたいと・・・知っているよ。
絶対・・・絶対そんな無理をするつもりだよ。
・・・ね？
Maybe I'm strange. But I'm not crazy. I'm just full of dreams that people might consider to be crazy. I'm... not insane. I'm normal. Because I'm me and no matter what anyone says or does, I can't be someone else. That doesn't go to say that I can't be someone else if I wanted to, which would also be hard... That's to say that nothing will change what I do or say... If I'm a liar, then so be it. If I'm full of crap, then so be it. It doesn't really matter... as long as I'm someone that I believe I am... right? So it doesn't really matter what I am, does it? Because I am whatever I make myself to be... That said, this is who I am. And this is the person who's going to challenge life and fate and break all the rules that come with that... kashira.
Taka