(no subject)
I'm really struggling with non-smoking. I don't know why this should be; I have every reason to want to stay quit. Ray and Alex are everything to me, and I want to be around for both of them. My addiction speaks to me, though. It cleverly points out George Burns, who smoked cigars till he died (of natural causes), for instance.
Ray and I quit on 27 April, the day we set out for the Bay Area to visit the fam. That weekend was NO problem for me, probably because I was out of my normal setting and routine. But it seems like I struggle really at work. It seems like I get a couple of days together, 2 or 3, and then I cheat; I have a whole cigarette or a drag or two. Then I quit again. Then I'll split a pack with co-workers who are trying to quit, throwing the pack out with strong resolve at the end of the day. It starts all over again after that. This is just taking up too much of my energy. I feel ridiculous. Ray doesn't have a problem quitting, my mom doesn't. Stefanie didn't really, after the first week. I've quit for over a hundred days before for christs' sake. Why is this such a problem, now, for me? What is it that it gives me that I can't seem to do without? Is it a break? Cause I can take those without smoking. Is it a comfort thing for me? A stress reliever? All that can be handled in other ways. I don't understand. More importantly, I feel ineffective, and more than a bit panicked. I also feel like if I admit all this stuff, I'll be judged. I'm scared of that, as well. But I'm going to say it anyway, because it's true.
I quit drinking when I had a problem with it, and for some reason, this is far more difficult. Maybe I need a solid support group or something. I don't have any answers. I guess I'll just keep trying.
Ray and I quit on 27 April, the day we set out for the Bay Area to visit the fam. That weekend was NO problem for me, probably because I was out of my normal setting and routine. But it seems like I struggle really at work. It seems like I get a couple of days together, 2 or 3, and then I cheat; I have a whole cigarette or a drag or two. Then I quit again. Then I'll split a pack with co-workers who are trying to quit, throwing the pack out with strong resolve at the end of the day. It starts all over again after that. This is just taking up too much of my energy. I feel ridiculous. Ray doesn't have a problem quitting, my mom doesn't. Stefanie didn't really, after the first week. I've quit for over a hundred days before for christs' sake. Why is this such a problem, now, for me? What is it that it gives me that I can't seem to do without? Is it a break? Cause I can take those without smoking. Is it a comfort thing for me? A stress reliever? All that can be handled in other ways. I don't understand. More importantly, I feel ineffective, and more than a bit panicked. I also feel like if I admit all this stuff, I'll be judged. I'm scared of that, as well. But I'm going to say it anyway, because it's true.
I quit drinking when I had a problem with it, and for some reason, this is far more difficult. Maybe I need a solid support group or something. I don't have any answers. I guess I'll just keep trying.