Day By Day
Title: Day by Day
Author: bopeep_achu
Pairing: Jonghyun/Taemin
Rating: PG 13
Genre: Romance, Angst
Summary: An unexpected meeting at the hospital that would led to something?
A/N: Prequel to Forever and something dedicated to Alice the Dongho / night_serenade .. cos she's giving me too much love ;______; -hides under a rock- I made this after watching my sister keeper and I cried a river T________T; and was inspired to write this
WC: 5304
Day by Day
“Umma don’t go…”
“Appa don’t go”
“How could you leave me behind?”
“Taemin…”
My eyes opened slowly, my eyelids felt heavy and it wanted to keep resting, keeping them shut but my brain wasn’t in sync with my body. I woke up, fingers rubbning my sleepy hues while sitting up on my bed. The light was blinding my eyes, and I blinked numerous times, regaining a clearer vision. There was a figure sitting nearby and my hands kept on rubbing my eyes as I yawned and stretched.
“Oh hyung… What are you doing here?” I yawned again. I felt a set of slim fingers stroking my hair softly and it felt nice. I smiled while looking up at him.
“It’s morning already Taemin ah. And hurry up and get ready for school or you’ll be late” His deep voice was gentle and it made me feel safe when I’m around him. The nightmare was all gone thought I felt like everytime when I close my eyes, sleeping; the visions kept on coming, still clear and it replayed in my head over and over again.
My mom died when I was five. I was young and I didn’t know that she was dead. I thought when she laid herself on the road full covered with red liquid stained all over her and me, I thought she was sleeping. Sleeping so soundly and her chest weren’t going up or down. She wasn’t breathing. Blood flowing out endlessly from her head but I was too young to know that she died, trying to protect me from getting hit by a van that drove maybe 100 miles per hour on a normal road where kids usually play balls. I didn’t know. All I know was playing ball with a seven years old Jungshin hyung and umma. While I was running after the ball that rolled onto the road, umma pushed me roughly and I fell while the loud honking of the van interrupted my mind at that time, umma was already lying on the road. She died in front of me, trying to protect me.
I let my feet touched the cold floor and I walked to the bathroom, cleaning myself. Then I went putting on my school uniform which was neatly prepared and ironed by Jungshin hyung. Eversince umma’s gone, Jungshin hyung was always there for me. Protecting me so I wouldn’t get hurt, preparing food for me and Jinki hyung so we won’t get hungry and ironed my clothes so I would look nice. I smiled. I am the luckiest person on earth to have Jungshin hyung as my blood related brother. I wouldn’t know what will happen to me without Jungshin hyung besides me. I ran downstairs and into the kitchen with my bag slung down my shoulder. Voluntarily I sat besides Jinki hyung and picked up my spoon and eat the prepared cereal in front of me. Jinki hyung was reading the newspaper in the morning as always and Jungshin hyung was doing the house chores; preparing our breakfast, washing the dishes and etcetera. I swear he’s the best candidate for a housewife. I smiled.
“Jinki hyung, hurry or we’ll be late” I pouted looking up at him then at Jungshin hyung who was taking off his pink apron. “You too hyung” and he nodded. I made my way outside first, getting into the backseat of the car while soon, Jinki hyung sat at the driver’s seat and Jungshin hyung came in after locking the doors. Jinki hyung sent Jungshin hyung first since it was his last year of high school and he had to attend there early just to cover up his previously bad records to graduate and then me. I thanked and waved Jinki hyung goodbye before he went off to the hospital and I walked into the school building like everday.
I walked alone, eat alone and everything I did at school was always alone. I never knew why the whole student body neglected me. But I couldn’t care less. I was once sad and cried alone, while pretending to be asleep, hiding under my blanket but when I realized it, it was all stupid. It was no use to be sad when no one wanted to befriend you because your parent died and mostly it was your fault that they died. It was just that maybe I’m used to be lonely that I don’t care anymore. I had my feelings shut in my heart, kept it locked inside with the keys thrown away deep down beyond the seven seas. It was appa’s fault anyway; for sending me into some prestigious school where bratty and rich kids went to. I was once like them too; enjoy laughing at the needy and the commoners. It all changed when I found myself trapped in these kinds of hardships too. When my appa died leaving me with only Jungshin hyung and Jinki hyung. The wealth that he inherited wasn’that big but it was enough to support the three of us. However the rich kids still looked at me weirdly. I didn’t know why though. I shrugged the whole circumstances behind my back.
Once the last school bell rang, I walked myself to the library, waiting for Jungshin hyung to pick me up there. The history book spread opened on the table in front of me, somehow it wasn’t interesting at all. I rested my chin on my palms as I set my gaze outside the window, remembering things from the past again. I remembered how my dad looked like, his soft gentle features, his long legs and his calm eyes. Eventhough he always came home late from work, I remembered how he always went in my room to check me whether had I gone to lalaland or haven’t. He pulled the duvet up my chest, stroking my hair softly as he kissed me on my forehead. It was until a year ago that he died. The same case like how umma died. I was running happily somehow I just had to trip and the camera fell on the road, the contents were spread all over as it hit the floor and I crouched down. It was supposed to be one of our precious family outings with me, Jinki hyung, Jungshin hyung and appa since appa was always busy, we seldom spend time together anymore. But I just had to ruin everything all over again. I had myself down, picking the batteries, the Kodak on the road and a loud honking was heard again. As if it was déjà vu, I felt a strong force pushing me front and I fell with my body sprawled over to the front again, there was that same vision again. The same vision back when I was five where umma was laying on the road with red liquid all over her. It was all the same except that this time I was old enough to know what was going on. Appa wasn’t sleeping, he died.
My hand clutched on my shirts tightly. I didn’t want to cry but the tragedies kept on repeating themselves whenever I don’t want too. When I’m sleeping, I dreamt of them again. Somehow it had become a habit of mine to kept on dreaming about them. I sighed heavily.
“Oh Taemin there you are” I looked up, woken from my brief trance and trying to form a full cheerful smile on my facial.
“Hyung. Thanks for coming”
“So don you have anything now? If not, let’s go to the hospital and wait for Jinki hyung. We can eat there if you want. If you don’t want to then tell me where you wanted to eat then” He voiced, so caring and gentle and it was so warm. I didn’t care if I don’t have any friends; as long as Jungshin hyung’s here then everything will be fine.
“That’s okay” I shook my head. “Let’s just go wait for Jinki hyung and we just eat there like we usually did” I smiled.
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I waited outside on the rooftop alone. Jungshin hyung was still at the cafeteria maybe, I excused myself from my little meal, stating that I wasn’t that hungry and he bought it. Jinki hyung was still working, busy as he is, treating the patients endlessly. Since appa died, we had a shortage of doctors here and Jinki hyung had to fill in some of their places. He had some loyal helpers though, appa’s assistants were always there helping him always. I looked down, people looked really small from up here and I giggled. I wonder how small people looked like if I were up on the moon. It’s the wonder of the world I guessed. I had myself leaned against the wall, popping my head out so I had a clearer view of the world from top the 15th floor. Fifteenth floor… Can I die, jumping up from here? Fifteen doesn’t sound a lot for me. My legs involuntarily lifted up on the wall and I sat on it, staring down again. I wanted to stand and just fall off ‘accidently’ like how people commit suicide. But I couldn’t It was my umpteenth times on attempting on jumping of this building but somehow, my body wouldn’t do what my brain wanted. I sighed and let my feet touched the ground again, slightly jumped from the wall. I put on my shoes and I sighed.
“Why was it so hard? I wanted to die too? I wish I can meet appa and umma soon…”
I walked down the stairs and eventually stopped at a particular place where my feet brought me. I looked around; left right, fight left and I think I’m lost.
I accident;y brought myself to an unfamiliar garden somewhere in the hospital. There was a big wisdom tree and no one was there. The building next to it was quite old and I never noticed this place before. I looked back and the building behind me was the new hospital building but I shrugged and kept on pacing myself. While walking through the small garden, I couldn’t help but to smell as the smell of lavender penetrated my nose and my eyes shifted around; there was lavender everywhere. Someone must’ve taken good care of this garden I guessed. I looked around as I entered the old building. It was definitely cold, and the corridor and the walkway was definitely smaller compared to the new building. There weren’t many people here, just a bunch of nurses and two guards as I walked past them and they looked at me eerily with weird pairs of hues. What? Is this some kind of forbidden prisoner room thing? I kept on walking
“Hey come back!”
Some woman was screaming and I jerked my head towards the directions. There were few people running? I squinted my eyes to get a clearer vision and I spotted a blond haired guy wearing a hospital dress, along with some nurses behind him trying to catch the blond.
“Hey hey! Move away kid!”
He yelled as I was standing on his way. I couldn’t catch on what was he saying so I just stood there like a dumb kid and fell backwards as he ran into me with him laying on top of me. I blinked my eyes somehow. My back hit the floor so badly and after a while I could feel the pain as my brain interpreted what happened. The blond on top of me got up, didn’t even bother to help me up and looked at me with his narrowed, annoyed eyes.
“Gee thanks a lot kid” He voiced. Some nurses got a hold of him; two were on each of his side holding him firmly so he wouldn’t run away again.
“Jonghyunshi it’s time for your check ups again. Then at four you have blood transfusion with your donor. And what will the doctor said when he sees you with your hair” One of the nurses kept on complaining, babbling some random things on the blond’s behavior.
“So what? I would just die anyway” His voice was lowered and he looked down. Somehow his sadness was engulfing him, I could feel him. The nurses bowed and apologized for his rude behavior towards me and I just nodded, getting up from the cold floor. They went away from me and I was left alone again. While walking back to the new building, I couldn’t help but to remember the blond. His soft features, his gentle eyes when he was sad, and his voice were unusually beautiful. The fragrance lavender was occupying him too and somehow I couldn’t get the image out of my mind.
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That night when I was sleeping, I was dreaming something particularly different from my usually nightmares. I couldn’t tell whether it was a nightmare or a fluffy dream. But one thing I was sure about was how beautiful the blond was as he appeared in my dream.
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I went to the hospital again, having my meals there eating the disgusting meals the hospital provided. Ugh I couldn’t understand why Jungshin hyung like eating here. He’s so weird sometimes. Oh well; I shrugged it away and kept on walking, further away from everyone as I paced myself to a familiar garden I discovered yesterday. I looked around and sat myself under the big wisdom tree. I didn’t know why I came here the first place. It was just, my feet brought me here and they didn’t know why too. Usually it would be the rooftop where I would have attempts on jumping off the 15th floor. But today was unusually peculiar. However, I let the thoughts melted away as I rested myself under the large tree, leaning against it while the smell of lavender penetrated my nose again. I smiled, my eyelids felt heavy, I was drifting away.
You can’t, you can’t, don’t leave like this
Please just one more time, one more time,
Hold me in your arms again
the next time I close my eyes to meet you,
Hold me as I stay still in that spot
The words sang in my ears and my eyelids blinked open. I sat up and looked around, there wasn’t anyone but the song was still there. The voice was beautiful. It was the most soothing voice I’d ever heard before. And the lyrics were sad and it made my heart quickened by few beats. I stood up, dusting off my pants and walked around the small garden/ Not far from where I was sitting before a person was sitting in front of bushes of lavender, mending it so softly. It was that familiar blond again, only this time he was wearing a normal t-shirt and pants not a hospital dress like yesterday. I stood there still, he might’ve not acknowledged my presence here and it seemed like this garden belonged to him. So I must be trespassing but somehow my feet wouldn’t let me pace myself out from here. Instead, they’re brought me closer to the sitting blond and my pace wouldn’t stop. I finally approached the male.
“Hey…” I stood behind him, hands locked behind my back as I tiptoed myself, wanting to see that face again.
He was ignoring me for sure as I waited for some more minutes, still continuing on wording out some unknown lyrics from his mouth. Somehow the voice just calmed my anger. And I stood there, still waited for him.
……..
“Are you planning to stand there all day long?” He finally voiced and I stumbled backwards, quite shocked with the sudden silence breaking. I fell on my bottom and rubbed it as I finally felt my bottom ached.
“Ow” I winced
He laughed, finally turned around facing me. “You’re funny” He voiced, his eyes wasn’t the same as yesterday. They were a lot gentle and tender, so soft that they sparkled. “Here let me help you up”
He held out his left hand and I grabbed it. He pulled me up. Again I dusted off the dirt the back of my shirt and I smiled. “Thanks” And the silent moments continued for a while again.
“Umm… So, are you new here?” He asked. I blinked not quite understand with what he meant by that.
“No. But I’m not a patient here. My brother works here so I’m just… Hanging around” I smiled.
“Hanging around.” He chuckled, hands covering his mouth while his eyes formed that crescent shape again. It made my face grew hotter somehow. “That’s funny. No one likes the hospital” He smiled big.
“I grew up here. Practically, since my dad worked here before. So I’m used to the environment” I smiled softly at him.
“Really? I grew up here too. Most of my times were spent here. I remembered when I was five I started coughing blood and the doctors diagnosed me with leukemia three years later and I’m always hospitalized here eversince then. Only sometimes I was allowed to go back home. Like Christmas!” He replied cheerfully and my eyes widened an inch. How come he can be so cheerful? And I stayed there in silence not knowing what to say.
“I’m sorry…” I finally murmured.
“Oh you don’t have to. I’m used to tell people my health background” He grinned. “But most the doctors said that I’m a miracle for being able to live for this long. So I’m thankful for that and for the fact that I’m still living” His voice softened at the end of his words and somehow it touched me deeply. It was contradicting with what I was doing everyday. How I wanted to jump of the rooftop, wanting to die so badly. Somehow I felt bad for wanting to commit suicide.
“Oh my name is Kim Jonghyun by the way” He grinned, holding out his hand in front of me as he stood up as well. He was a bit shorter than me, but his blond streaks were soft as the wind blew them. I felt like wanting to touch them. I held his hand and we shook hands together.
“I’m Lee Taemin” I smiled.
“Lee Taemin… Are you by any chance Jinki hyung’s little brother?” He asked, eyes widened.
“Umm yeah...” I replied, not knowing his intentions.
“Jinki hyung’s my personal doctor! And he always told me about you. And so does my previous doctor from before. Dr. Lee, your--… Oops sorry” He stopped, covering his mouth with both hands realizing something that shouldn’t be said.
I shook my head and smiled. “That’s okay. I’m used to with people talking about my late dad.” I lied, yet however, when this person mentioned something about my late appa, I didn’t feel sad or angry. I just shrugged the feeling away as if it was nothing. “It’s good to know you’re my brother’s and my appa’s patient. You must’ve been really lucky then” I smiled.
“I am!” He clapped both his fingers. “And I’m really thankful for that” He bowed a 90 degree bow and I shook my head, stating no need to bow and use formalities. It would just felt weird.
We sat under the shades of the wisdom tree side by side. He talked a lot, stating his previous life from before; how my appa treated him and how it was painful to get organs transplant since his wasn’t working so well. Some of his stories were painful yet I tried my best to smile and not to look as if I pitied him for some reason. Sick people hated when people pitied them so much and somehow I didn’t want him to hate me. He even apologized for yesterday, how we bumped into each other and how rude was he from yesterday. He said he hated blood transfusion as he hated the pain getting new healthy blood into you. He couldn’t get used to it eventhough he had been doing it for some years. And he hated when the doctors and nurses got angry at him for bleaching his hair blond.
“I mean. I really liked it and it looked cool. I’d always wanted to have blond hair… Well at least before I die anyway” He spoke. Somehow it made my heart flinched when he preached those sentences. Somehow I didn’t want him to go.
“I like your hair” My hands clutched on the grass below and somehow I finally had the courage to bring it up and ran my fingers through them and I was right. They were as soft as silk and I kept on stroking his hair gently. “It suits you” I smiled. He laughed and we chatted some more.
Times passed like a hurricane as I sat there talking about our previous life.
“Taemin ah!” I heard someone called me and I turned around facing in that direction. It was Jungshin hyung, leaning against the door to the new building. I stood up and helped the other up as well and he smiled. The sun settled down already and it was dark. I just noticed that.
“Are you going to come again here tomorrow?” He asked, somehow his face was asking me to come again. And I couldn’t help but to nodded at his questions.
“yes I will” I smiled. And we parted. I waved him a goodbye and ran back to Jungshin hyung. For once in my entire life, I was eager for tomorrow to come, so I could meet up with that person I just met today. A person I became friends with and maybe the only person who liked me for who I truly am. Thinking about Kim Jonghyun made my heart skipped a beat.
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It had been a habit and an everyday routine for me to meet up with Jonghyun hyung (knowing that he was 3 years older than me, I had to use formalities as a form of respect now). He would wait for me at the same garden under the wisdom tree. Sometimes he would mend the lavender that he grew for few years before. While sitting together, he would always sing new songs for me which he wrote himself since he never had the chance to do anything else due to his weak body. And I would dance for him as an exchange. After school I would waited for Jungshin hyung and we would go to the hospital like always. Only it wasn’t the same anymore. Every morning I would wake up early and made a box of kimbap or kimchi fried rice or some other dishes which was easy to make and asked Jinki hyung to bring it to the hospital kept it in his office. I would run to his office later grabbing the food and went back down to the garden. He would smile my favorite smile at me, as I approached him. I would feed him everyday with the meals I’ve cooked especially for us and our bond was getting stronger day by day. It made me happy just to stay by his side like this and somehow the nightmares I had from before soon perished from my head.
My heart learned something new which I never recognized before. Jonghyun hyung said it was love as I told him how my heart beat unusually fast when I was with him. He leaned in closer and kissed my forehead.
“I think I love you too”
He said and we smiled, warming each other with our embrace.
There were times when he had to get treated with blood transfusion and dialysis. I stood there as he lay on the white bed, and somehow my tears were threatening to fall as I stood there helplessly. I ran outside to Jinki hyung’s office and asked his helper Minho hyung (which was also Jungshin hyung’s friend) for a bottle of antiseptic. Knowing that the content of the bottle was actually an antimicrobial substance that disinfects bacteria and living microorganisms, I rinsed my mouth with it washing away what sort of bacteria I had in my mouth.
While he lay there waiting for the doctor to get ready for his treatment, and while the doctor looked away doing something else that was considered as more important (setting up the dialysis machine and stuffs) briskly I leaned in closer and tilted my head closing the gap between me and Jonghyun hyung. My lips brushed against his and he held my face in his cold palms bringing me closer as he kissed me back. It was a short kiss but was a loving one. I smiled, stroking his hair gently.
“Hyung be safe”
He gripped his hand tightly on mine not wanting to let go, but I pulled away, knowing somehow I just had to let go. I sighed.
Stealing bottles of antiseptic and keep them in my pocket would be listed as one of my routines as well. Before meeting up with Jonghyun hyung, I’d grab a bottle of antiseptic quietly from Jinki hyung’s cabinet in his office and ran down to the garden. I rinsed my mouth with the content and we managed to kiss safely. As the liquid roamed against my tongue I couldn’t help but to flinched and blinked my eyes shut. It tasted horrible. But after a while I’m used to it sine I had to do it everytime when I wanted to kiss Jonghyun hyung. And kissing him was like a drug for me, as if I had to or I wouldn’t last a day not kissing him. My feelings grew stronger for him and it affected my brothers somehow.
Jinki hyung sat in front of Jonghyun hyung one day at the cafeteria. It was night time and I was just there, visiting Jonghyun hyung again. They were talking about something and my heart flinched somehow not liking the atmosphere engulfing them. And I sat close to them without their knowing.
“Can you please distance yourself from my brother?”
“………..”
“You’ll hurt him one day…”
“I know… But I can’t. I’m attached”
“It’s for his best. If you don’t want him to suffer in the end. You know you can’t live lo-“
And I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE MY HAPPINESS?”
I blew it. Both Jonghyun hyung and Jinki hyung stared at me as I stood up suddenly, slamming the table with my palms causing an uproar in the cafeteria. Tears were trailing down my cheeks and I couldn’t stop them. Jinki hyung’s words were mean. They were emotionless. And I hated doctors for being heartless. How can a person saying that his patient will die so easily? And my sobs continued.
Jonghyun hyung stood up and paced himself closer to me as he wiped the tears away from my cheeks. They would’t stop and as he his cold fingers touched my face, I couldn’t help but to sobbed louder.
“What are you doing here?”
“Eavesdropping”
I replied and he chuckled. Ignoring Jinki hyung who was left dumbfounded he held me by my wrist and we went back to our garden, filled with lavender; the one place that I cherished the most. We didn’t stop there like we used to. Jonghyun hyung kept pulling me forward and I just followed him. He brought me inside the old building and there weren’t a lot of people. As we went further inside, it was getting dark and colder and went inside an unused room. It was dark and dusty and neither of us would careless. My body was pinned down on an old white bed. It was cold as Jonghyun hyung started pulling off the hem of my shirt with our lips still attached together like pieces of puzzles which fit perfectly. And the room soon filled with unfamiliar sounds that I never known before or yet I learned about. It was my first time as well as Jonghyun hyung and it hurt me a lot. But I bet Jonghyun hyung would hurt a lot more. How he used all of his energy to penetrate inside me and how he had to bear the pain when I gripped tight on his hair. Some of his hair fell onto the ground as I pulled it. Somehow that night we became one.
Jonghyun hyung was asleep, his hands kept me close to his chest as he captivated me in his embrace. His breath was even now and in sync with mine as his chest moved up and down slowly. Somehow it felt warm and I liked the feeling engulfing us that moment. I looked up his calm features. They were so beautiful; how his eyes closed and he was sleeping soundly like a baby. I giggled at my thoughts. My hands reached his hair and I touched them softly. They were soft. Soon my fingers trailed down to his eyes and to his nose, mesmerizing his soft lips and jaw line. I felt my eyes wielded up with hot liquid and it fell as I sobbed quietly not wanting the latter to wake up. Jinki hyung was right; Jonghyun hyung wasn’t going to live long and I knew I would be missing his soft blond and his full lips on mine someday. I sniffed quickly wiping away the tears as I felt him moving slightly. Don’t wake up don’t wake up I prayed inside. I smiled to myself, and buried my face in his bare chest hugging him tight.
“Don’t go hyung…”
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I sat at the window’s pavement to my room hands hugging my knees close to my chest, staring up at the orange sky. It was evening already and my tears were already dried up. Jonghyun hyung died soon after. He was treated with chemotherapy and his hair fall off, but it was too strong for him and his cells died day by day. It weakened him. Soon he couldn’t walk. He didn’t have the energy to do so. And he didn’t have proper meals as everytime he had eaten something he would vomit back what he had taken before. His face grew thinner and so was his body. His hair would never grow back and his eyes were half-lidded. The night he went away, he asked me not to go and stayed by his side the whole night and I did. I climbed up to his bed and lay besides him while I hugged him tight in my embrace. Somehow wetting the hospital dress which covered his thin figure. And by the time I woke up the next day, the machine stopped beeping and he laid there calmly besides me, eyes closed shut and his lips was curved slightly upwards forming a gentle smile. His chest wasn’t moving up or down and the doctor finally confirmed his death a few hours later.
There were no tears to cry as I remembered what happened the day before. I couldn’t move myself from where I’m sitting. The sky resembled him a lot. So carefree, wide and warm. As I looked up the sky I felt your touches again, how warm and comforting your hug was. And I was missing them already. I didn’t follow Jinki hyung and Jungshin hyung to the cemetery today. It wasn’t worth it. So I walked myself out the pavement and stood close to the walls. As I was about to climb up the wall and threatened myself to jump down from it, I heard your soothing voice calling me.
“Taemin ah…”
And I smiled.
How stupid of me to break our promise.
“Hyung don’t worry. From now on I’ll promise that everthing I do is for you. I promise that all my dances are for you and everytime I run it’s for you too. And I’ll live for you too”
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A/N: So i made this yesterday and i felt asleep before posting this XD and I woke up early.. before going for a jod in the morning I wanted to post this..... and and and XD ushaiodjakdmaisfmasf i donno It's still early and I'm not... I forgot what I want to say.. Forgive the excessive grammatical errors.. i'm too lazy to reread it and re checked them yo!.. oooh I haven't write this long for a while and I missed Hyunmin ;__________;.
anyway enjoy and no silent readers please -A-; i'm easily pissed by them :D -lol maybe I'm pms-ing- sorry XD
oooh HEY YOU! night_serenade i wanna read your taemin/dongho fast DX<
Author: bopeep_achu
Pairing: Jonghyun/Taemin
Rating: PG 13
Genre: Romance, Angst
Summary: An unexpected meeting at the hospital that would led to something?
A/N: Prequel to Forever and something dedicated to Alice the Dongho / night_serenade .. cos she's giving me too much love ;______; -hides under a rock- I made this after watching my sister keeper and I cried a river T________T; and was inspired to write this
WC: 5304
Day by Day
“Umma don’t go…”
“Appa don’t go”
“How could you leave me behind?”
“Taemin…”
My eyes opened slowly, my eyelids felt heavy and it wanted to keep resting, keeping them shut but my brain wasn’t in sync with my body. I woke up, fingers rubbning my sleepy hues while sitting up on my bed. The light was blinding my eyes, and I blinked numerous times, regaining a clearer vision. There was a figure sitting nearby and my hands kept on rubbing my eyes as I yawned and stretched.
“Oh hyung… What are you doing here?” I yawned again. I felt a set of slim fingers stroking my hair softly and it felt nice. I smiled while looking up at him.
“It’s morning already Taemin ah. And hurry up and get ready for school or you’ll be late” His deep voice was gentle and it made me feel safe when I’m around him. The nightmare was all gone thought I felt like everytime when I close my eyes, sleeping; the visions kept on coming, still clear and it replayed in my head over and over again.
My mom died when I was five. I was young and I didn’t know that she was dead. I thought when she laid herself on the road full covered with red liquid stained all over her and me, I thought she was sleeping. Sleeping so soundly and her chest weren’t going up or down. She wasn’t breathing. Blood flowing out endlessly from her head but I was too young to know that she died, trying to protect me from getting hit by a van that drove maybe 100 miles per hour on a normal road where kids usually play balls. I didn’t know. All I know was playing ball with a seven years old Jungshin hyung and umma. While I was running after the ball that rolled onto the road, umma pushed me roughly and I fell while the loud honking of the van interrupted my mind at that time, umma was already lying on the road. She died in front of me, trying to protect me.
I let my feet touched the cold floor and I walked to the bathroom, cleaning myself. Then I went putting on my school uniform which was neatly prepared and ironed by Jungshin hyung. Eversince umma’s gone, Jungshin hyung was always there for me. Protecting me so I wouldn’t get hurt, preparing food for me and Jinki hyung so we won’t get hungry and ironed my clothes so I would look nice. I smiled. I am the luckiest person on earth to have Jungshin hyung as my blood related brother. I wouldn’t know what will happen to me without Jungshin hyung besides me. I ran downstairs and into the kitchen with my bag slung down my shoulder. Voluntarily I sat besides Jinki hyung and picked up my spoon and eat the prepared cereal in front of me. Jinki hyung was reading the newspaper in the morning as always and Jungshin hyung was doing the house chores; preparing our breakfast, washing the dishes and etcetera. I swear he’s the best candidate for a housewife. I smiled.
“Jinki hyung, hurry or we’ll be late” I pouted looking up at him then at Jungshin hyung who was taking off his pink apron. “You too hyung” and he nodded. I made my way outside first, getting into the backseat of the car while soon, Jinki hyung sat at the driver’s seat and Jungshin hyung came in after locking the doors. Jinki hyung sent Jungshin hyung first since it was his last year of high school and he had to attend there early just to cover up his previously bad records to graduate and then me. I thanked and waved Jinki hyung goodbye before he went off to the hospital and I walked into the school building like everday.
I walked alone, eat alone and everything I did at school was always alone. I never knew why the whole student body neglected me. But I couldn’t care less. I was once sad and cried alone, while pretending to be asleep, hiding under my blanket but when I realized it, it was all stupid. It was no use to be sad when no one wanted to befriend you because your parent died and mostly it was your fault that they died. It was just that maybe I’m used to be lonely that I don’t care anymore. I had my feelings shut in my heart, kept it locked inside with the keys thrown away deep down beyond the seven seas. It was appa’s fault anyway; for sending me into some prestigious school where bratty and rich kids went to. I was once like them too; enjoy laughing at the needy and the commoners. It all changed when I found myself trapped in these kinds of hardships too. When my appa died leaving me with only Jungshin hyung and Jinki hyung. The wealth that he inherited wasn’that big but it was enough to support the three of us. However the rich kids still looked at me weirdly. I didn’t know why though. I shrugged the whole circumstances behind my back.
Once the last school bell rang, I walked myself to the library, waiting for Jungshin hyung to pick me up there. The history book spread opened on the table in front of me, somehow it wasn’t interesting at all. I rested my chin on my palms as I set my gaze outside the window, remembering things from the past again. I remembered how my dad looked like, his soft gentle features, his long legs and his calm eyes. Eventhough he always came home late from work, I remembered how he always went in my room to check me whether had I gone to lalaland or haven’t. He pulled the duvet up my chest, stroking my hair softly as he kissed me on my forehead. It was until a year ago that he died. The same case like how umma died. I was running happily somehow I just had to trip and the camera fell on the road, the contents were spread all over as it hit the floor and I crouched down. It was supposed to be one of our precious family outings with me, Jinki hyung, Jungshin hyung and appa since appa was always busy, we seldom spend time together anymore. But I just had to ruin everything all over again. I had myself down, picking the batteries, the Kodak on the road and a loud honking was heard again. As if it was déjà vu, I felt a strong force pushing me front and I fell with my body sprawled over to the front again, there was that same vision again. The same vision back when I was five where umma was laying on the road with red liquid all over her. It was all the same except that this time I was old enough to know what was going on. Appa wasn’t sleeping, he died.
My hand clutched on my shirts tightly. I didn’t want to cry but the tragedies kept on repeating themselves whenever I don’t want too. When I’m sleeping, I dreamt of them again. Somehow it had become a habit of mine to kept on dreaming about them. I sighed heavily.
“Oh Taemin there you are” I looked up, woken from my brief trance and trying to form a full cheerful smile on my facial.
“Hyung. Thanks for coming”
“So don you have anything now? If not, let’s go to the hospital and wait for Jinki hyung. We can eat there if you want. If you don’t want to then tell me where you wanted to eat then” He voiced, so caring and gentle and it was so warm. I didn’t care if I don’t have any friends; as long as Jungshin hyung’s here then everything will be fine.
“That’s okay” I shook my head. “Let’s just go wait for Jinki hyung and we just eat there like we usually did” I smiled.
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I waited outside on the rooftop alone. Jungshin hyung was still at the cafeteria maybe, I excused myself from my little meal, stating that I wasn’t that hungry and he bought it. Jinki hyung was still working, busy as he is, treating the patients endlessly. Since appa died, we had a shortage of doctors here and Jinki hyung had to fill in some of their places. He had some loyal helpers though, appa’s assistants were always there helping him always. I looked down, people looked really small from up here and I giggled. I wonder how small people looked like if I were up on the moon. It’s the wonder of the world I guessed. I had myself leaned against the wall, popping my head out so I had a clearer view of the world from top the 15th floor. Fifteenth floor… Can I die, jumping up from here? Fifteen doesn’t sound a lot for me. My legs involuntarily lifted up on the wall and I sat on it, staring down again. I wanted to stand and just fall off ‘accidently’ like how people commit suicide. But I couldn’t It was my umpteenth times on attempting on jumping of this building but somehow, my body wouldn’t do what my brain wanted. I sighed and let my feet touched the ground again, slightly jumped from the wall. I put on my shoes and I sighed.
“Why was it so hard? I wanted to die too? I wish I can meet appa and umma soon…”
I walked down the stairs and eventually stopped at a particular place where my feet brought me. I looked around; left right, fight left and I think I’m lost.
I accident;y brought myself to an unfamiliar garden somewhere in the hospital. There was a big wisdom tree and no one was there. The building next to it was quite old and I never noticed this place before. I looked back and the building behind me was the new hospital building but I shrugged and kept on pacing myself. While walking through the small garden, I couldn’t help but to smell as the smell of lavender penetrated my nose and my eyes shifted around; there was lavender everywhere. Someone must’ve taken good care of this garden I guessed. I looked around as I entered the old building. It was definitely cold, and the corridor and the walkway was definitely smaller compared to the new building. There weren’t many people here, just a bunch of nurses and two guards as I walked past them and they looked at me eerily with weird pairs of hues. What? Is this some kind of forbidden prisoner room thing? I kept on walking
“Hey come back!”
Some woman was screaming and I jerked my head towards the directions. There were few people running? I squinted my eyes to get a clearer vision and I spotted a blond haired guy wearing a hospital dress, along with some nurses behind him trying to catch the blond.
“Hey hey! Move away kid!”
He yelled as I was standing on his way. I couldn’t catch on what was he saying so I just stood there like a dumb kid and fell backwards as he ran into me with him laying on top of me. I blinked my eyes somehow. My back hit the floor so badly and after a while I could feel the pain as my brain interpreted what happened. The blond on top of me got up, didn’t even bother to help me up and looked at me with his narrowed, annoyed eyes.
“Gee thanks a lot kid” He voiced. Some nurses got a hold of him; two were on each of his side holding him firmly so he wouldn’t run away again.
“Jonghyunshi it’s time for your check ups again. Then at four you have blood transfusion with your donor. And what will the doctor said when he sees you with your hair” One of the nurses kept on complaining, babbling some random things on the blond’s behavior.
“So what? I would just die anyway” His voice was lowered and he looked down. Somehow his sadness was engulfing him, I could feel him. The nurses bowed and apologized for his rude behavior towards me and I just nodded, getting up from the cold floor. They went away from me and I was left alone again. While walking back to the new building, I couldn’t help but to remember the blond. His soft features, his gentle eyes when he was sad, and his voice were unusually beautiful. The fragrance lavender was occupying him too and somehow I couldn’t get the image out of my mind.
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That night when I was sleeping, I was dreaming something particularly different from my usually nightmares. I couldn’t tell whether it was a nightmare or a fluffy dream. But one thing I was sure about was how beautiful the blond was as he appeared in my dream.
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I went to the hospital again, having my meals there eating the disgusting meals the hospital provided. Ugh I couldn’t understand why Jungshin hyung like eating here. He’s so weird sometimes. Oh well; I shrugged it away and kept on walking, further away from everyone as I paced myself to a familiar garden I discovered yesterday. I looked around and sat myself under the big wisdom tree. I didn’t know why I came here the first place. It was just, my feet brought me here and they didn’t know why too. Usually it would be the rooftop where I would have attempts on jumping off the 15th floor. But today was unusually peculiar. However, I let the thoughts melted away as I rested myself under the large tree, leaning against it while the smell of lavender penetrated my nose again. I smiled, my eyelids felt heavy, I was drifting away.
You can’t, you can’t, don’t leave like this
Please just one more time, one more time,
Hold me in your arms again
the next time I close my eyes to meet you,
Hold me as I stay still in that spot
The words sang in my ears and my eyelids blinked open. I sat up and looked around, there wasn’t anyone but the song was still there. The voice was beautiful. It was the most soothing voice I’d ever heard before. And the lyrics were sad and it made my heart quickened by few beats. I stood up, dusting off my pants and walked around the small garden/ Not far from where I was sitting before a person was sitting in front of bushes of lavender, mending it so softly. It was that familiar blond again, only this time he was wearing a normal t-shirt and pants not a hospital dress like yesterday. I stood there still, he might’ve not acknowledged my presence here and it seemed like this garden belonged to him. So I must be trespassing but somehow my feet wouldn’t let me pace myself out from here. Instead, they’re brought me closer to the sitting blond and my pace wouldn’t stop. I finally approached the male.
“Hey…” I stood behind him, hands locked behind my back as I tiptoed myself, wanting to see that face again.
He was ignoring me for sure as I waited for some more minutes, still continuing on wording out some unknown lyrics from his mouth. Somehow the voice just calmed my anger. And I stood there, still waited for him.
……..
“Are you planning to stand there all day long?” He finally voiced and I stumbled backwards, quite shocked with the sudden silence breaking. I fell on my bottom and rubbed it as I finally felt my bottom ached.
“Ow” I winced
He laughed, finally turned around facing me. “You’re funny” He voiced, his eyes wasn’t the same as yesterday. They were a lot gentle and tender, so soft that they sparkled. “Here let me help you up”
He held out his left hand and I grabbed it. He pulled me up. Again I dusted off the dirt the back of my shirt and I smiled. “Thanks” And the silent moments continued for a while again.
“Umm… So, are you new here?” He asked. I blinked not quite understand with what he meant by that.
“No. But I’m not a patient here. My brother works here so I’m just… Hanging around” I smiled.
“Hanging around.” He chuckled, hands covering his mouth while his eyes formed that crescent shape again. It made my face grew hotter somehow. “That’s funny. No one likes the hospital” He smiled big.
“I grew up here. Practically, since my dad worked here before. So I’m used to the environment” I smiled softly at him.
“Really? I grew up here too. Most of my times were spent here. I remembered when I was five I started coughing blood and the doctors diagnosed me with leukemia three years later and I’m always hospitalized here eversince then. Only sometimes I was allowed to go back home. Like Christmas!” He replied cheerfully and my eyes widened an inch. How come he can be so cheerful? And I stayed there in silence not knowing what to say.
“I’m sorry…” I finally murmured.
“Oh you don’t have to. I’m used to tell people my health background” He grinned. “But most the doctors said that I’m a miracle for being able to live for this long. So I’m thankful for that and for the fact that I’m still living” His voice softened at the end of his words and somehow it touched me deeply. It was contradicting with what I was doing everyday. How I wanted to jump of the rooftop, wanting to die so badly. Somehow I felt bad for wanting to commit suicide.
“Oh my name is Kim Jonghyun by the way” He grinned, holding out his hand in front of me as he stood up as well. He was a bit shorter than me, but his blond streaks were soft as the wind blew them. I felt like wanting to touch them. I held his hand and we shook hands together.
“I’m Lee Taemin” I smiled.
“Lee Taemin… Are you by any chance Jinki hyung’s little brother?” He asked, eyes widened.
“Umm yeah...” I replied, not knowing his intentions.
“Jinki hyung’s my personal doctor! And he always told me about you. And so does my previous doctor from before. Dr. Lee, your--… Oops sorry” He stopped, covering his mouth with both hands realizing something that shouldn’t be said.
I shook my head and smiled. “That’s okay. I’m used to with people talking about my late dad.” I lied, yet however, when this person mentioned something about my late appa, I didn’t feel sad or angry. I just shrugged the feeling away as if it was nothing. “It’s good to know you’re my brother’s and my appa’s patient. You must’ve been really lucky then” I smiled.
“I am!” He clapped both his fingers. “And I’m really thankful for that” He bowed a 90 degree bow and I shook my head, stating no need to bow and use formalities. It would just felt weird.
We sat under the shades of the wisdom tree side by side. He talked a lot, stating his previous life from before; how my appa treated him and how it was painful to get organs transplant since his wasn’t working so well. Some of his stories were painful yet I tried my best to smile and not to look as if I pitied him for some reason. Sick people hated when people pitied them so much and somehow I didn’t want him to hate me. He even apologized for yesterday, how we bumped into each other and how rude was he from yesterday. He said he hated blood transfusion as he hated the pain getting new healthy blood into you. He couldn’t get used to it eventhough he had been doing it for some years. And he hated when the doctors and nurses got angry at him for bleaching his hair blond.
“I mean. I really liked it and it looked cool. I’d always wanted to have blond hair… Well at least before I die anyway” He spoke. Somehow it made my heart flinched when he preached those sentences. Somehow I didn’t want him to go.
“I like your hair” My hands clutched on the grass below and somehow I finally had the courage to bring it up and ran my fingers through them and I was right. They were as soft as silk and I kept on stroking his hair gently. “It suits you” I smiled. He laughed and we chatted some more.
Times passed like a hurricane as I sat there talking about our previous life.
“Taemin ah!” I heard someone called me and I turned around facing in that direction. It was Jungshin hyung, leaning against the door to the new building. I stood up and helped the other up as well and he smiled. The sun settled down already and it was dark. I just noticed that.
“Are you going to come again here tomorrow?” He asked, somehow his face was asking me to come again. And I couldn’t help but to nodded at his questions.
“yes I will” I smiled. And we parted. I waved him a goodbye and ran back to Jungshin hyung. For once in my entire life, I was eager for tomorrow to come, so I could meet up with that person I just met today. A person I became friends with and maybe the only person who liked me for who I truly am. Thinking about Kim Jonghyun made my heart skipped a beat.
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It had been a habit and an everyday routine for me to meet up with Jonghyun hyung (knowing that he was 3 years older than me, I had to use formalities as a form of respect now). He would wait for me at the same garden under the wisdom tree. Sometimes he would mend the lavender that he grew for few years before. While sitting together, he would always sing new songs for me which he wrote himself since he never had the chance to do anything else due to his weak body. And I would dance for him as an exchange. After school I would waited for Jungshin hyung and we would go to the hospital like always. Only it wasn’t the same anymore. Every morning I would wake up early and made a box of kimbap or kimchi fried rice or some other dishes which was easy to make and asked Jinki hyung to bring it to the hospital kept it in his office. I would run to his office later grabbing the food and went back down to the garden. He would smile my favorite smile at me, as I approached him. I would feed him everyday with the meals I’ve cooked especially for us and our bond was getting stronger day by day. It made me happy just to stay by his side like this and somehow the nightmares I had from before soon perished from my head.
My heart learned something new which I never recognized before. Jonghyun hyung said it was love as I told him how my heart beat unusually fast when I was with him. He leaned in closer and kissed my forehead.
“I think I love you too”
He said and we smiled, warming each other with our embrace.
There were times when he had to get treated with blood transfusion and dialysis. I stood there as he lay on the white bed, and somehow my tears were threatening to fall as I stood there helplessly. I ran outside to Jinki hyung’s office and asked his helper Minho hyung (which was also Jungshin hyung’s friend) for a bottle of antiseptic. Knowing that the content of the bottle was actually an antimicrobial substance that disinfects bacteria and living microorganisms, I rinsed my mouth with it washing away what sort of bacteria I had in my mouth.
While he lay there waiting for the doctor to get ready for his treatment, and while the doctor looked away doing something else that was considered as more important (setting up the dialysis machine and stuffs) briskly I leaned in closer and tilted my head closing the gap between me and Jonghyun hyung. My lips brushed against his and he held my face in his cold palms bringing me closer as he kissed me back. It was a short kiss but was a loving one. I smiled, stroking his hair gently.
“Hyung be safe”
He gripped his hand tightly on mine not wanting to let go, but I pulled away, knowing somehow I just had to let go. I sighed.
Stealing bottles of antiseptic and keep them in my pocket would be listed as one of my routines as well. Before meeting up with Jonghyun hyung, I’d grab a bottle of antiseptic quietly from Jinki hyung’s cabinet in his office and ran down to the garden. I rinsed my mouth with the content and we managed to kiss safely. As the liquid roamed against my tongue I couldn’t help but to flinched and blinked my eyes shut. It tasted horrible. But after a while I’m used to it sine I had to do it everytime when I wanted to kiss Jonghyun hyung. And kissing him was like a drug for me, as if I had to or I wouldn’t last a day not kissing him. My feelings grew stronger for him and it affected my brothers somehow.
Jinki hyung sat in front of Jonghyun hyung one day at the cafeteria. It was night time and I was just there, visiting Jonghyun hyung again. They were talking about something and my heart flinched somehow not liking the atmosphere engulfing them. And I sat close to them without their knowing.
“Can you please distance yourself from my brother?”
“………..”
“You’ll hurt him one day…”
“I know… But I can’t. I’m attached”
“It’s for his best. If you don’t want him to suffer in the end. You know you can’t live lo-“
And I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE MY HAPPINESS?”
I blew it. Both Jonghyun hyung and Jinki hyung stared at me as I stood up suddenly, slamming the table with my palms causing an uproar in the cafeteria. Tears were trailing down my cheeks and I couldn’t stop them. Jinki hyung’s words were mean. They were emotionless. And I hated doctors for being heartless. How can a person saying that his patient will die so easily? And my sobs continued.
Jonghyun hyung stood up and paced himself closer to me as he wiped the tears away from my cheeks. They would’t stop and as he his cold fingers touched my face, I couldn’t help but to sobbed louder.
“What are you doing here?”
“Eavesdropping”
I replied and he chuckled. Ignoring Jinki hyung who was left dumbfounded he held me by my wrist and we went back to our garden, filled with lavender; the one place that I cherished the most. We didn’t stop there like we used to. Jonghyun hyung kept pulling me forward and I just followed him. He brought me inside the old building and there weren’t a lot of people. As we went further inside, it was getting dark and colder and went inside an unused room. It was dark and dusty and neither of us would careless. My body was pinned down on an old white bed. It was cold as Jonghyun hyung started pulling off the hem of my shirt with our lips still attached together like pieces of puzzles which fit perfectly. And the room soon filled with unfamiliar sounds that I never known before or yet I learned about. It was my first time as well as Jonghyun hyung and it hurt me a lot. But I bet Jonghyun hyung would hurt a lot more. How he used all of his energy to penetrate inside me and how he had to bear the pain when I gripped tight on his hair. Some of his hair fell onto the ground as I pulled it. Somehow that night we became one.
Jonghyun hyung was asleep, his hands kept me close to his chest as he captivated me in his embrace. His breath was even now and in sync with mine as his chest moved up and down slowly. Somehow it felt warm and I liked the feeling engulfing us that moment. I looked up his calm features. They were so beautiful; how his eyes closed and he was sleeping soundly like a baby. I giggled at my thoughts. My hands reached his hair and I touched them softly. They were soft. Soon my fingers trailed down to his eyes and to his nose, mesmerizing his soft lips and jaw line. I felt my eyes wielded up with hot liquid and it fell as I sobbed quietly not wanting the latter to wake up. Jinki hyung was right; Jonghyun hyung wasn’t going to live long and I knew I would be missing his soft blond and his full lips on mine someday. I sniffed quickly wiping away the tears as I felt him moving slightly. Don’t wake up don’t wake up I prayed inside. I smiled to myself, and buried my face in his bare chest hugging him tight.
“Don’t go hyung…”
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I sat at the window’s pavement to my room hands hugging my knees close to my chest, staring up at the orange sky. It was evening already and my tears were already dried up. Jonghyun hyung died soon after. He was treated with chemotherapy and his hair fall off, but it was too strong for him and his cells died day by day. It weakened him. Soon he couldn’t walk. He didn’t have the energy to do so. And he didn’t have proper meals as everytime he had eaten something he would vomit back what he had taken before. His face grew thinner and so was his body. His hair would never grow back and his eyes were half-lidded. The night he went away, he asked me not to go and stayed by his side the whole night and I did. I climbed up to his bed and lay besides him while I hugged him tight in my embrace. Somehow wetting the hospital dress which covered his thin figure. And by the time I woke up the next day, the machine stopped beeping and he laid there calmly besides me, eyes closed shut and his lips was curved slightly upwards forming a gentle smile. His chest wasn’t moving up or down and the doctor finally confirmed his death a few hours later.
There were no tears to cry as I remembered what happened the day before. I couldn’t move myself from where I’m sitting. The sky resembled him a lot. So carefree, wide and warm. As I looked up the sky I felt your touches again, how warm and comforting your hug was. And I was missing them already. I didn’t follow Jinki hyung and Jungshin hyung to the cemetery today. It wasn’t worth it. So I walked myself out the pavement and stood close to the walls. As I was about to climb up the wall and threatened myself to jump down from it, I heard your soothing voice calling me.
“Taemin ah…”
And I smiled.
How stupid of me to break our promise.
“Hyung don’t worry. From now on I’ll promise that everthing I do is for you. I promise that all my dances are for you and everytime I run it’s for you too. And I’ll live for you too”
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A/N: So i made this yesterday and i felt asleep before posting this XD and I woke up early.. before going for a jod in the morning I wanted to post this..... and and and XD ushaiodjakdmaisfmasf i donno It's still early and I'm not... I forgot what I want to say.. Forgive the excessive grammatical errors.. i'm too lazy to reread it and re checked them yo!.. oooh I haven't write this long for a while and I missed Hyunmin ;__________;.
anyway enjoy and no silent readers please -A-; i'm easily pissed by them :D -lol maybe I'm pms-ing- sorry XD
oooh HEY YOU! night_serenade i wanna read your taemin/dongho fast DX<