565 Miles, 14 Hours, and 1 Conversation Later...
I return home. I went to Indiana to see Caroline (I was supposed to be there for three days). It was last May that we were together at Justine and Nate's wedding - almost a year ago. Being with her was one of the best experiences of my romantic life. I thought about her often and waited to see her again as she spent the year bouncing around the country. Finally this week was going to be my chance.
We emailed back and forth and made plans. She had recently gone through a rough patch with a male roommate whom she finally rid herself of, so there was a place for me to stay with her. I knew that she had a semi-serious companion back in California and that they were also going through a rough patch. She made a passing comment about not being sure if she wanted anything physical when I came to visit - I decided that I would take my chances. Apparently she thought that she had been more clear about the situation. Perhaps I willfully ignored the signs.
It started shortly after I arrived. We were talking about sleeping arrangements and I commented on whether or not it was too much to hope that we would be sharing a bed. I think that put her off, as she felt that she had been clear on this matter. I stated that I thought it something which remained to be seen. I explained that ever since the wedding I had been harboring feelings for her. After a little coaxing and some reassurance that it wouldn't upset me she explained that while she thought of it as something special we hadn't spent enough time together for her to even consider developing feelings for me.
We talked for several hours and by the end of our conversation I actually felt good. For once I had closure on a situation that involved my romantic feelings for someone. I realized that I hadn't come all that way just to have another fling. I had come to say the words I never had the chance to say to anyone before. I had come simply to be heard in the hopes that I would receive a definitive answer - and I got my answer. Believe it or not, it was the one I wanted. Although our time together last year hadn't sparked anything deep within her, it had been special to her. That's all I needed.
At the end of our talk we debated whether or not I should go. I felt it was appropriate for me to leave and I wanted to go. She felt guilty about having me come all the way there just to turn around and go home, but I explained that it was alright and both agreed. There was a brief embrace and we parted as friends.
I have a sense of peace that I've never experienced before. I can only hope that she understands what this means to me and genuinely believes it's true when I say that I am grateful for being able to have this experience.
We emailed back and forth and made plans. She had recently gone through a rough patch with a male roommate whom she finally rid herself of, so there was a place for me to stay with her. I knew that she had a semi-serious companion back in California and that they were also going through a rough patch. She made a passing comment about not being sure if she wanted anything physical when I came to visit - I decided that I would take my chances. Apparently she thought that she had been more clear about the situation. Perhaps I willfully ignored the signs.
It started shortly after I arrived. We were talking about sleeping arrangements and I commented on whether or not it was too much to hope that we would be sharing a bed. I think that put her off, as she felt that she had been clear on this matter. I stated that I thought it something which remained to be seen. I explained that ever since the wedding I had been harboring feelings for her. After a little coaxing and some reassurance that it wouldn't upset me she explained that while she thought of it as something special we hadn't spent enough time together for her to even consider developing feelings for me.
We talked for several hours and by the end of our conversation I actually felt good. For once I had closure on a situation that involved my romantic feelings for someone. I realized that I hadn't come all that way just to have another fling. I had come to say the words I never had the chance to say to anyone before. I had come simply to be heard in the hopes that I would receive a definitive answer - and I got my answer. Believe it or not, it was the one I wanted. Although our time together last year hadn't sparked anything deep within her, it had been special to her. That's all I needed.
At the end of our talk we debated whether or not I should go. I felt it was appropriate for me to leave and I wanted to go. She felt guilty about having me come all the way there just to turn around and go home, but I explained that it was alright and both agreed. There was a brief embrace and we parted as friends.
I have a sense of peace that I've never experienced before. I can only hope that she understands what this means to me and genuinely believes it's true when I say that I am grateful for being able to have this experience.