Hanging On
I keep having stress dreams. It's getting tough to keep up with life when I have work, school, studying, Jujutsu, and can't get a good night's sleep. I'm at war with myself. I've started smoking more often, which is a bad sign. I always used smoking as a way of self-mutilation. Destroying a part of my physical self to empathize with the emotional pain.
Nicole is getting married in October. As much as I've convinced my conscious self that I've let go of any feelings for her, it seems my subconscious knows otherwise. I'm genuinely happy that she's found someone. But it still stings. And that's where the internal struggle begins.
I keep asking myself, "when will I find someone?" Only to turn around and remind myself that I'm better off alone. And I really am. When I stop and think about all the discomfort and uncertainty that comes with relationships... I don't want any part of it. But being alone comes with its own set of weaknesses. So I suppose I'm just putting up my defenses and dealing with it as best I can. And for right now, that's ok.
Nicole is getting married in October. As much as I've convinced my conscious self that I've let go of any feelings for her, it seems my subconscious knows otherwise. I'm genuinely happy that she's found someone. But it still stings. And that's where the internal struggle begins.
I keep asking myself, "when will I find someone?" Only to turn around and remind myself that I'm better off alone. And I really am. When I stop and think about all the discomfort and uncertainty that comes with relationships... I don't want any part of it. But being alone comes with its own set of weaknesses. So I suppose I'm just putting up my defenses and dealing with it as best I can. And for right now, that's ok.