Why does insomnia have to make a debut in this disease?
So I had a really nice epiphany the night of my birthday, as I laid in bed awake for hours, unable to fall asleep. I felt a lot better about myself, and I gave myself hope, because I definitely do have something to live for.
But I'm really messed up. Since school started, I'm just suddenly extremely stressed out because I messed up my fafsa last year and my mom gave me a hard time for using my college money for... college. I am supposed to have everything paid for, but I needed to renew my fafsa every year, and I'd been having a hard time since the summer, which is when my symptoms had gotten so bad, they were debilitating, and have been for months. There's just so much to talk about, and I'm still irritated that she helped out my older siblings and my biological in paying for their car payments, apartment rent and general ways to piss away her money, although she'll never do that for me. I have to do that myself.
I can do it by myself, and I finished my fafsa extremely early this semester, and I already applied to one independent scholarship today, and I will continue to for the rest of the semester, as well as extra scholarships from my university. I need to take my Pharmacy tech exam so I can be a tech and have a job sometime soon. I also have literary magazines I want to send short stories to, and then finish with one of my stories so I can make it into a book that I can send to a publishing agent. I have ideas for patents, and I have the knowledge and the resource material to build some kind of analog electronic device, I can finish that graphic novel and print and sell that on lulu.com or something, but I'm just... scraping the recesses of my creativity and ingenuity to find ways to make money.
I think what really killed me today was that (on the advice of my therapist), I made myself a schedule for everything I need to do during the weekdays. It's very specific, going down to when I have time to eat, go to class, when my free time is allotted, and what subjects I study on what day. I know I need to do this so I can have a routine to follow even when I'm detached from reality for long periods of time so I don't fall behind like I did before, but it feels so confining.
My biological mother's father (who I didn't know until less than a year ago) is surprisingly wealthy, with multiple homes and ranches who takes his girlfriend to Vegas every month, who will help me pay for school if I need it, but I don't want to be dependent like that.
I'm supposed to be perfect.
And I haven't told my mom what's wrong with me yet. She doesn't believe in mental illness, and she would just tell me I'm stupid if I have problems, and that they're my fault.
I've been listening to a lot of Pink Floyd lately.
But I'll tell you what. I don't have a lot of friends here anymore, but I'm very thankful for the ones I do have. I'm pretty lucky.
I'm going to try to fall asleep.
But I'm really messed up. Since school started, I'm just suddenly extremely stressed out because I messed up my fafsa last year and my mom gave me a hard time for using my college money for... college. I am supposed to have everything paid for, but I needed to renew my fafsa every year, and I'd been having a hard time since the summer, which is when my symptoms had gotten so bad, they were debilitating, and have been for months. There's just so much to talk about, and I'm still irritated that she helped out my older siblings and my biological in paying for their car payments, apartment rent and general ways to piss away her money, although she'll never do that for me. I have to do that myself.
I can do it by myself, and I finished my fafsa extremely early this semester, and I already applied to one independent scholarship today, and I will continue to for the rest of the semester, as well as extra scholarships from my university. I need to take my Pharmacy tech exam so I can be a tech and have a job sometime soon. I also have literary magazines I want to send short stories to, and then finish with one of my stories so I can make it into a book that I can send to a publishing agent. I have ideas for patents, and I have the knowledge and the resource material to build some kind of analog electronic device, I can finish that graphic novel and print and sell that on lulu.com or something, but I'm just... scraping the recesses of my creativity and ingenuity to find ways to make money.
I think what really killed me today was that (on the advice of my therapist), I made myself a schedule for everything I need to do during the weekdays. It's very specific, going down to when I have time to eat, go to class, when my free time is allotted, and what subjects I study on what day. I know I need to do this so I can have a routine to follow even when I'm detached from reality for long periods of time so I don't fall behind like I did before, but it feels so confining.
My biological mother's father (who I didn't know until less than a year ago) is surprisingly wealthy, with multiple homes and ranches who takes his girlfriend to Vegas every month, who will help me pay for school if I need it, but I don't want to be dependent like that.
I'm supposed to be perfect.
And I haven't told my mom what's wrong with me yet. She doesn't believe in mental illness, and she would just tell me I'm stupid if I have problems, and that they're my fault.
I've been listening to a lot of Pink Floyd lately.
But I'll tell you what. I don't have a lot of friends here anymore, but I'm very thankful for the ones I do have. I'm pretty lucky.
I'm going to try to fall asleep.