Yeah, Yeah... I Know. I'm Late...
"You seem quite enthusiastic about this project which is awesome. Where'd you get the idea for it? I forget if I asked that already lol"
- Jarod (Guess who has a new project coming up? *looks around* Don't bother. It's Max)
I have like, four entries to post and they're probably all gonna have the wrong dates because of me needing to add pics to them.
Luckily, this entry is not one of those. This is an update entry cuz I haven't swung by here in awhile. I believe we have four updates. Might be more. Not sure yet. Let's get started and find out.
*** Player 456
Welp, Player 456 is officially outta jail. Allegedly he's already back on drugs. I say allegedly cuz I'm not there and I haven't seen shit so I don't have the right to say such a thing. What I can say is when have you known an addict to not change a single thing about their environment/acquaintances and not end up doing addict shit? *shrugs in Einstein* Just saying. Ya can't repeat them same steps and expect different results
*** Family Tea
Apparently the uterus donor has stage 4 cancer. This has absolutely nothing to do with me but it has become my problem because Joi has decided she needs to speak to me on the matter. *looks back* *rereads sentence* Say what now? I have not seen nor uttered a peep near this woman since I was 20. I haven't even tried because she waltzed in wanting to blame Aunt Carroll for her lack of FaceTime like I didn't remember all the verbal/physical/emotional abuse we (More Joi and I than Leisha and more Joi than either of us could ever imagine) were forced to endure under her tender, loving care. I let go of that situation years ago. Not only that, it was part of healing my inner child. I had to forgive what could've/should've been and heal towards what is. That was a lot for me to do but I did. Part of that was making peace with the fact that the uterus donor isn't my mom and that's okay.
With all of this in tow…
Why come would anybody feel like I need any sort of discussion? I've been VERY vocal about my stance on the uterus donor so to me, for me, IT'S MY OPINION, I have carved up quite the boundary. There is no need to talk to me about the situation because for me, there is no situation. That is not my mother and she will draw her last breath with 2 daughters. End of story. I have said this multiple times so in my mind, it translates as a lack of care to continuously attempt to drag me anywhere near any of that. *shrugs in personal growth* In the beginning, before the healing journey began, those feelings were more out of anger/hurt. Now it's less angry/hurt and more accepting. I've mourned the things from my childhood that cannot be changed, therefore I'm willing to accept that there is nothing back there for me. I've made peace with that and again, that's okay. My journey through understanding the hand my childhood plays in my adulthood was hard. I had to stop pointing fingers here, there and everywhere and start looking within. There was a lot of pain/anger/disgust stored away. (I was practically running around like a squirrel collecting nuts in order to get through winter. It was embarrassing, I assure you 🙄🙄🙄) Truth is, my inner child was huddled in the back of my mind and I wouldn't allow her to feel her feelings because it was inconvenient for me. That's on me and no one else. This translated into alot of toxicity on my part.
Now there is only peace/love/harmony and getting involved in something that I have clearly made my stance known on YEARS AGO (And more than once) feels like a gigantic step back.
Annnnnnnnnnd not only that, even if I didn't feel this way, Joi is splashing the uterus donor up and down Facebook like she was the holy grail of parents. Out of all of us, Joi got the worst of the abuse so I've never understood why she craved that bond. Have I weighed in? Nope. It's not my place. People are allowed to feel as they wish. That's just the way of the world.
My thing is this… Aunt Carroll can see how you're carrying on. That's the woman who put up with your shit. Did she even consider how it would make her feel? Apparently not seeing as how Joi felt the need to tell her that she wants to talk to me about the matter and I have, AS ALWAYS, not entertained the bullshit. Zyi is 22, Mo is 18, Kai is 16, Laurynn is about to turn 13. In their lives, the only one she has ever touched was Zyi’ and that was not of my doing. He was also a fresh outta the box baby. They have only lived as her being referenced as “the uterus donor”. NEVER by name. That should tell EVERYBODY everything they need to know.
*** Jarod 🥰😍😘
Sooooooooo… Jarod and I talked out what is happening between us and I've decided to stop acting as if I hate his guts and admit that I do love him. I struggle with the concept because I haven't truly loved another person in that manner in YEARS. Saturday I just blurted it out. He was like: “Are you sure?” All I could do was nod because I couldn't believe I'd said it. The journey to realizing that I love him has not been without its bumps. (See as evidence) Honestly, a part of me isn't ready to give up the single life. Not having to answer to anyone brings me a sense of peace, ya know? He says we aren't gonna be those people and this is just about us so I suppose we shall see.
*** Reality
Topics 1&3 are going to overlap here. You see, I don't think a person would understand that sometimes Player 456 comes with Kai and Laurynn nor should they have to. That's alot to ask of a person. Mo thinks it's as simple as me remaining single until she graduates college but it really isn't. Why should I put my own life on hold because he has expressed that he'll no longer come if I have a boyfriend? It reads as not only selfish, it reads as manipulative. Self awareness dictates that I admit that I know myself well enough to know that if he was coming over regularly, this would be a bigger issue for me because I'm naturally accommodating when I see efforts being made. From him, I've only experienced excuses/disappointments so again, why would I put my life on hold for that? It reads as if those 5 or 6 times a year that he decides to saunter through is more important than what brings This Me peace and we all know that's not true. When I express negative feelings with Jarod, we discuss them. I do the same for him. There are no guilt trips in our union. We agreed to this outta the gate. We communicate. No, this isn't a relationship just yet but if it has the chance to be, we're off to a good start. Also, note that I said YET.
Update: I sat Mo down last night and told her that as of the new year, (After their birthdays to be precise) their dad will be informed that I am dating. Honestly, she took it better than I thought she would. She did say that she does understand where I'm coming from tho’. After she said that she sees this as she'll see Player 456 less than she already does, I told her that that would be on him. It wouldn't be her fault nor would it be mine. If my relationship status keeps him away, he was already planning to be away and all I did was provide an excuse. Let's be real and let's be honest: He hasn't been busting his ass to be there this entire time so we really aren't missing out on anything. What's really happening is things are changing
*fingers toes and eyes crossed* Hopefully in a good way
*** Teri 💔💔💔
*sighs* Teri has been living in my yard for almost a month. (Basically since I got back off vacation. I offered her the tiny house but she doesn't want to do it even tho’ it would help her get on her feet. She's mad stubborn) Last night (11/27/2024) her mom died. I feel for her. I really do. Like, she's already going through a messy divorce (Which caused me to reevaluate how I was looking at Player 456. I was blessed in that situation in a way that I never thought until Teri showed up. I never had to go to court. I didn't hafta fight him for the kids. The man just dipped. *shrugs in addition* I didn't hafta spend my days with the kids blaming me for how things went down cuz they were old enough to watch it unfold. There were no fingers to point because he gave them up and they knew it. Due to that, we were able to come together and create a peaceful environment that we were all able to flourish in. I used to feel so angry/upset/hurt when really I should have been thankful that he didn't put up a fight. *sighs* When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change and all that, ya know?) and it feels like the universe has decided to add to it. I used to say all the time that in my family I am the forgotten. Nope. Nah. No. I was wrong. Teri has it worse than I ever considered. Her family planned the entire funeral without her. They either didn't think or didn't care about her input. My family is mad shady but what in the actual fuck? This is the time to put aside petty and come together. Not shouting and acting like assholes. (Cuz Teri's Aunt has decided that her mom's aneurysms were her fault since her mom has been under alot of stress lately. Like, come on. Why would you want to put that on anyone?)
Update… Wow this is mad late. Teri is no longer living in the yard. She went back home the day of her mom's funeral. (12/1/2023)
*sighs* Sometimes I feel like entirely too much is happening
Later
- Jarod (Guess who has a new project coming up? *looks around* Don't bother. It's Max)
I have like, four entries to post and they're probably all gonna have the wrong dates because of me needing to add pics to them.
Luckily, this entry is not one of those. This is an update entry cuz I haven't swung by here in awhile. I believe we have four updates. Might be more. Not sure yet. Let's get started and find out.
*** Player 456
Welp, Player 456 is officially outta jail. Allegedly he's already back on drugs. I say allegedly cuz I'm not there and I haven't seen shit so I don't have the right to say such a thing. What I can say is when have you known an addict to not change a single thing about their environment/acquaintances and not end up doing addict shit? *shrugs in Einstein* Just saying. Ya can't repeat them same steps and expect different results
*** Family Tea
Apparently the uterus donor has stage 4 cancer. This has absolutely nothing to do with me but it has become my problem because Joi has decided she needs to speak to me on the matter. *looks back* *rereads sentence* Say what now? I have not seen nor uttered a peep near this woman since I was 20. I haven't even tried because she waltzed in wanting to blame Aunt Carroll for her lack of FaceTime like I didn't remember all the verbal/physical/emotional abuse we (More Joi and I than Leisha and more Joi than either of us could ever imagine) were forced to endure under her tender, loving care. I let go of that situation years ago. Not only that, it was part of healing my inner child. I had to forgive what could've/should've been and heal towards what is. That was a lot for me to do but I did. Part of that was making peace with the fact that the uterus donor isn't my mom and that's okay.
With all of this in tow…
Why come would anybody feel like I need any sort of discussion? I've been VERY vocal about my stance on the uterus donor so to me, for me, IT'S MY OPINION, I have carved up quite the boundary. There is no need to talk to me about the situation because for me, there is no situation. That is not my mother and she will draw her last breath with 2 daughters. End of story. I have said this multiple times so in my mind, it translates as a lack of care to continuously attempt to drag me anywhere near any of that. *shrugs in personal growth* In the beginning, before the healing journey began, those feelings were more out of anger/hurt. Now it's less angry/hurt and more accepting. I've mourned the things from my childhood that cannot be changed, therefore I'm willing to accept that there is nothing back there for me. I've made peace with that and again, that's okay. My journey through understanding the hand my childhood plays in my adulthood was hard. I had to stop pointing fingers here, there and everywhere and start looking within. There was a lot of pain/anger/disgust stored away. (I was practically running around like a squirrel collecting nuts in order to get through winter. It was embarrassing, I assure you 🙄🙄🙄) Truth is, my inner child was huddled in the back of my mind and I wouldn't allow her to feel her feelings because it was inconvenient for me. That's on me and no one else. This translated into alot of toxicity on my part.
Now there is only peace/love/harmony and getting involved in something that I have clearly made my stance known on YEARS AGO (And more than once) feels like a gigantic step back.
Annnnnnnnnnd not only that, even if I didn't feel this way, Joi is splashing the uterus donor up and down Facebook like she was the holy grail of parents. Out of all of us, Joi got the worst of the abuse so I've never understood why she craved that bond. Have I weighed in? Nope. It's not my place. People are allowed to feel as they wish. That's just the way of the world.
My thing is this… Aunt Carroll can see how you're carrying on. That's the woman who put up with your shit. Did she even consider how it would make her feel? Apparently not seeing as how Joi felt the need to tell her that she wants to talk to me about the matter and I have, AS ALWAYS, not entertained the bullshit. Zyi is 22, Mo is 18, Kai is 16, Laurynn is about to turn 13. In their lives, the only one she has ever touched was Zyi’ and that was not of my doing. He was also a fresh outta the box baby. They have only lived as her being referenced as “the uterus donor”. NEVER by name. That should tell EVERYBODY everything they need to know.
*** Jarod 🥰😍😘
Sooooooooo… Jarod and I talked out what is happening between us and I've decided to stop acting as if I hate his guts and admit that I do love him. I struggle with the concept because I haven't truly loved another person in that manner in YEARS. Saturday I just blurted it out. He was like: “Are you sure?” All I could do was nod because I couldn't believe I'd said it. The journey to realizing that I love him has not been without its bumps. (See as evidence) Honestly, a part of me isn't ready to give up the single life. Not having to answer to anyone brings me a sense of peace, ya know? He says we aren't gonna be those people and this is just about us so I suppose we shall see.
*** Reality
Topics 1&3 are going to overlap here. You see, I don't think a person would understand that sometimes Player 456 comes with Kai and Laurynn nor should they have to. That's alot to ask of a person. Mo thinks it's as simple as me remaining single until she graduates college but it really isn't. Why should I put my own life on hold because he has expressed that he'll no longer come if I have a boyfriend? It reads as not only selfish, it reads as manipulative. Self awareness dictates that I admit that I know myself well enough to know that if he was coming over regularly, this would be a bigger issue for me because I'm naturally accommodating when I see efforts being made. From him, I've only experienced excuses/disappointments so again, why would I put my life on hold for that? It reads as if those 5 or 6 times a year that he decides to saunter through is more important than what brings This Me peace and we all know that's not true. When I express negative feelings with Jarod, we discuss them. I do the same for him. There are no guilt trips in our union. We agreed to this outta the gate. We communicate. No, this isn't a relationship just yet but if it has the chance to be, we're off to a good start. Also, note that I said YET.
Update: I sat Mo down last night and told her that as of the new year, (After their birthdays to be precise) their dad will be informed that I am dating. Honestly, she took it better than I thought she would. She did say that she does understand where I'm coming from tho’. After she said that she sees this as she'll see Player 456 less than she already does, I told her that that would be on him. It wouldn't be her fault nor would it be mine. If my relationship status keeps him away, he was already planning to be away and all I did was provide an excuse. Let's be real and let's be honest: He hasn't been busting his ass to be there this entire time so we really aren't missing out on anything. What's really happening is things are changing
*fingers toes and eyes crossed* Hopefully in a good way
*** Teri 💔💔💔
*sighs* Teri has been living in my yard for almost a month. (Basically since I got back off vacation. I offered her the tiny house but she doesn't want to do it even tho’ it would help her get on her feet. She's mad stubborn) Last night (11/27/2024) her mom died. I feel for her. I really do. Like, she's already going through a messy divorce (Which caused me to reevaluate how I was looking at Player 456. I was blessed in that situation in a way that I never thought until Teri showed up. I never had to go to court. I didn't hafta fight him for the kids. The man just dipped. *shrugs in addition* I didn't hafta spend my days with the kids blaming me for how things went down cuz they were old enough to watch it unfold. There were no fingers to point because he gave them up and they knew it. Due to that, we were able to come together and create a peaceful environment that we were all able to flourish in. I used to feel so angry/upset/hurt when really I should have been thankful that he didn't put up a fight. *sighs* When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change and all that, ya know?) and it feels like the universe has decided to add to it. I used to say all the time that in my family I am the forgotten. Nope. Nah. No. I was wrong. Teri has it worse than I ever considered. Her family planned the entire funeral without her. They either didn't think or didn't care about her input. My family is mad shady but what in the actual fuck? This is the time to put aside petty and come together. Not shouting and acting like assholes. (Cuz Teri's Aunt has decided that her mom's aneurysms were her fault since her mom has been under alot of stress lately. Like, come on. Why would you want to put that on anyone?)
Update… Wow this is mad late. Teri is no longer living in the yard. She went back home the day of her mom's funeral. (12/1/2023)
*sighs* Sometimes I feel like entirely too much is happening
Later