Now That I Think About It, This Probably Should Have Been Two Entries...
"😆 stop picking apart my sentences!"
Eddie (Welcome to Livejournal, Eddie. Also, no 🤣🤣🤣)
Before we kick this off, first… Jin is officially in the military. It's gonna be a long ride without BTS, it really is BUT, I always remember my husband saying that we're never alone as ARMY because music lives on forever. Meaning, long after come what may, they'll still be with us
^*sobs in ARMY*
Second, RuPaul's Drag Race Season 15 is gonna kick off on Friday, January 6th at 8pms.
^Guess what?! They're moving it from VH1 to MTV. Personally, I kinda wish they would just go ahead and put it on Paramount Plus. I mean, Alstars is already there. What's the difference, really? Guess what else? They're welcoming twins, Sugar and Spice. Not sure how Imma feel about some TikTok famous (Mo already knows them) drag queens but we're about to find out
And now…
These have been some weird ass few days in these streets. Imma start with the weirdest and work my way down.
*** Player 456's mom apologized to me Saturday. Yup, you read that right. Nobody was more shocked than me, I assure you. She said something along the lines of: "I need you to know that I'm sorry that my actions caused me to miss out on Zyi' and Mo's childhoods." There was more within/around it, but that's the gist of it. Did I forgive? Nope. I just let her talk because I've let go of that stuff years ago. It hasn't been relevant in so long that I kinda sat there in silence. I mean, the apology is more for you (Meaning her, not me) than the other person anyway. Whatever happens after that is all on them tho'. Meaning the ball is now in my court, not hers) It is known. Cut to Monday when I mentioned it to Player 456 and he told me that he had no idea that she was gonna apologize to me, but she'd asked him why he never stood up to me about Zyi' and Mo being over there and whatnot and instead of babying her like he normally would have, he told her the truth. (Probably a watered down version of the truth, but the truth nonetheless) I was like: "Things would have been so different if just once I saw you stand for me. Just once." He said: "I know. I was a coward." And I went: "I know."
*** Sunday morning started with me talking to Aunt Carroll about Mo's boyfriend's mom and her sneaky, manipulative, passive aggressive ways
^Here are the basics
I'm sticking a pin in this situation to keep a better eye on it just in case. For now, the more important part of my conversation with Aunt Carroll is the fact that apparently, there's more to the story than what's officially when it comes to Cin'que's death. The more she told me what has been said, the queasier I felt. She's angry at the frat because they're trying to put it out there that Cin'que committed suicide. Wait, what? Alot has been going on as of late. Due to my understanding of the situation, I'm not gonna unpack it here. What I am gonna say is that one day, the truth will come out and it will shine higher and brighter than any lie ever could.
One important note tho': According to his death certificate, there was no autopsy done and there was no official timeline of death and yet, I was sitting beside Aunt Carroll when the coroner called and told Aunt Carroll that according to her "initial autopsy", he was killed by the first car that hit him, not the second. It was also determined that this happened sometime after 10pms, before 11pms. If all this information is common knowledge, why does she have a certificate that reflects that none of this is true? I trust my own mind and my own ears. I was there.
Because of this, I can safely report that something about this entire situation is off. Stuff like this is what conspiracy theorists like me like to call: Suspiciously cover uppy
*** I met Eddie Sunday. I like him. I kinda like having male friends who aren't determined to get in my panties. We went to see Avatar: The Way Of Water and the movie itself was beautiful, it truly was. My problem was the plot. When we got to Chili's, I explained what my issues were and we went back and forth over our thoughts.
^See? Shit like this
I also realized that I've gotta stop mentioning past me's shenanigans cuz it creates this effect where I'm constantly having to slap: " But I'm not like that anymore." to the end of my sentences. I mean, if you're no longer like that, why continue to give it time/energy? Past is past. If you're still giving it the floor in the present then no matter what you tell yourself, for you, it's still present cuz it's a present thought. I've also come to find that I only do this when I'm inebriated. Since I hardly ever drink now, it never crossed my mind that I do this. After he dropped me off, my intrusive thoughts made sure I noticed. They were like: "You talk too much! He's not gonna call/text you anymore cuz you don't know how to stay in the moment…" I almost let them win, but yesterday while I was in the bathroom, (Not like that! I'm in the middle of painting/tiling in there. I'm doing a full remodel) I remembered something Caleb told me waaaaaaaaay back when. That he didn't wanna know the version of me that I project to others. He wanted to be friends with who I really am, be it good or bad. Ever since that conversation, I've stopped worrying about certain aspects of who I am/was/what I do/have done BUT I can also be honest that not every person I meet will wanna know me for who I actually am. And then I had this thought: If I hafta be mindful how I present myself, do I really want that kind of energy in my life?
The answer is a loud, proud FUCK NO, soooooooo, we'll see what happens from here. (I'll also be more mindful of conversations while inebriated cuz I do understand that some of my facts can be alot and should be absorbed over time and not in a day *laughs in too much*)
*** Washing Machine went out yesterday. Called Player 456 cuz he took a lot of my tools before he lost the white truck so I don't have what I need to fix it. He said he'll do me one better and find me one. I figured that was a load of crap, but nah. He found me a washing machine. Go figure. (Entry update 12/21/2021: He never brought the washing machine yesterday. Apparently, he was dope sick and I… An not surprised. Are you? This the new normal 🙄🙄🙄)
Since we're on Player 456, you know what I'm tired of? Every time I'm talking about something I've done that he had a part in, he's clambering for credit (He was doing it again over the weekend) and I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much until this morning while I was putting up tile in the bathroom. Him doing that to me is a hypocritical act because every time he used to get all up in his feelings box and throw me outta "his car/truck", not once was it thrown in his face that without me, he wouldn't even own the vehicle that he was throwing me out of. (Gah this shit was toxic as hell 😩😩😩) AND for years after I put myself in the hospital buying the house so that there would be nothing said about ownership, I would hear him telling people that "I just bought a place out in *insert where I live*" I never threw it in his face that it was my sacrifice that bought the home nor did I ever get nasty and yell "Get out my house!" in his face cuz I'm a lot of things but I was never that disgusting. I never said: "You act like you did it all yourself." As a matter of fact, one time I did ask why he never at least included me and say "We bought a home." Know what he said? "You know what I meant." So why am I expected to itemize when I speak when THESE THINGS HAVE NEVER BEEN DONE FOR ME?!?!?!
Before I roll out, I have something else to contribute to this entry: "I'm starting to realize that you and I aren't gonna get back together." He tried that one on me Monday night. After pointing out to him that nobody should feel comfortable adding the load I'm already carrying, I added that I'm dealing with something really hard right now so why is he trying to add to it?
Cut to this morning as I'm cleaning my room before work, (I have no idea what inspired this) I was thinking about sacrifices that I made while Player 456 and I were together and it made me think about when we ended up having to move from Woodcreek to Kim Road because he was still stealing and that was fine and dandy (Cuz as I said, I was told my family was my responsibility so I lived with quite a bit of fuck shit) while I was at da bounce but I was back at the burger farm and all that robbery was making bill paying damn near impossible. I couldn't put up money for him to steal anymore cuz financially, I was in a different place so it was taking me under and fast so I decided to stop paying rent at Woodcreek and start looking for a place to stay. Chemere found Kim Rd and for 2months, instead of rent, I put up money cuz this wasn't a tax time project. This was waaaaaaaaay before I started paying my rent in advance. On the day that we were supposed to put down the down payment and first month's rent, my wallet fell off the top of the truck cuz when I went in to pay for gas, (This was around the time that instead of putting money in the gas tank, he would steal the money then swear up and down that he had no idea why we were always almost outta gas like I was really that slow) I left my wallet on top of the car. When we drove off, of course it flew off. When we got to the place to pay, of course, my wallet was gone. He flipped out! "You're so stupid! That money is long gone now! What the fuck are we supposed to now?!" I asked for a ride to go look for it and he refused, citing that there was no point cuz this was all my fault. Not once did he point out this it was his drug usage that had us having to move. Not once did he point out that multiple times I'd told him that I was taking the kids and we were moving without him but he was the one that swore that the clinic (Cuz I have no idea how long after the clinic did he start back up with the drugs so I'm not gonna act like I do) had changed him so if we all moved together, drugs would no longer be an issue and I trusted this "changed man" instead of what was right in front of my four eyes. Not once did he say: "Don't feel bad, we'll figure it out. Yes, I'll give you a ride and we'll go look together." Nope, none of that. No accountability that if he was so busy playing hide and go sneak, we wouldn't be moving in the first place. Just yelling, screaming and calling me stupid like it was all on me to solve the problem that HE CAUSED. So I decided I was gonna go on foot. I walked the entire path from Woodcreek to the gas station, mostly to calm down cuz on my way there, I wasn't really looking. On my way back, I found my wallet wrapped around a light pole. All my cards still intact but more importantly, all my money still accounted for. When I got back to the house, he wanted to apologize but I turned, looked him dead in his face and told him if he ever called me stupid ever again, he was gonna find out how smart I actually was. Why did I think of this? At first, I wasn't sure but I've had all morning to really think about it and honestly, I think my brain wanted me to notice that once again, he's wanting me to fix a problem that he created and not only that, he wants me to do this with no changes of his own. It would be different if he could say:
*** I do as much as I can to repair/strengthen my relationship with the kids. I'm in their lives and it has nothing to do with you
*** I've not only accepted accountability for my part in where I am in life, I've acknowledged my toxic traits and am working double time to heal/grow from them so that I will not bring/project toxic behaviors into the positive environment that you worked hard to provide for our children
*** I'm clean. I can prove it. I go to weekly support meetings. I'm talking my stuff out and doing my best to show you I'm ready to do/be better
*** I'm paying the child support that I promised when I chose to leave
*** I'm dependable. When you call, I'm ready to uplift and support because I want you to see me with new eyes
*** I'm showing you I can be trusted by changing up how I handle you. I respect that you are not the same as I left you and am honoring that by no longer picking fights or putting us in a place where we could argue because I listened when you said you only want healthy interactions, especially with me
*** I'm ready to stop being a child cosplaying as an adult. I'm ready for real responsibilities and I'm not telling you anything. I'm showing you all of this by doing all of the above. This is not about me wanting to waltz back in as a burden. This is about being ready to be the family that we should have been from the beginning…
Until he can say all of that, I don't think he should keep bringing up anything about, near or between us. You can't ask for US if the issue still lies with YOU. That is a selfish act. It is known.
It would not only be unfair, it would be gross of me to see that not enough has changed for me to see this with a positive headspace. I've been told alot, but I would be a fool if I behaved as if I've been shown anything. He hasn't shown me squat and yet can put those lips to form sentences such as *points* that one. FOH.
You weren't thrown out and when you were asked FOUR TIMES to come back, not only did you decline, you told me to move on and get a life of my own. I decided to throw every ounce of myself into healing mentally and anybody who wants to guilt me for that can kiss my ass cuz that means they're not worth a seat at my life table.
Later
PS: Welp, Player 456 showed up with the washing machine. He gets on my last nerve, but I appreciate it when he tries. He was getting teary eyed on his way out... I can understand that tho'. He really did just give us away to be in the streets. That's gotta be hard *shrugs* I can't mock that. All I can do is shake my head and hope he finds what he truly needs in life
Eddie (Welcome to Livejournal, Eddie. Also, no 🤣🤣🤣)
Before we kick this off, first… Jin is officially in the military. It's gonna be a long ride without BTS, it really is BUT, I always remember my husband saying that we're never alone as ARMY because music lives on forever. Meaning, long after come what may, they'll still be with us
^*sobs in ARMY*
Second, RuPaul's Drag Race Season 15 is gonna kick off on Friday, January 6th at 8pms.
^Guess what?! They're moving it from VH1 to MTV. Personally, I kinda wish they would just go ahead and put it on Paramount Plus. I mean, Alstars is already there. What's the difference, really? Guess what else? They're welcoming twins, Sugar and Spice. Not sure how Imma feel about some TikTok famous (Mo already knows them) drag queens but we're about to find out
And now…
These have been some weird ass few days in these streets. Imma start with the weirdest and work my way down.
*** Player 456's mom apologized to me Saturday. Yup, you read that right. Nobody was more shocked than me, I assure you. She said something along the lines of: "I need you to know that I'm sorry that my actions caused me to miss out on Zyi' and Mo's childhoods." There was more within/around it, but that's the gist of it. Did I forgive? Nope. I just let her talk because I've let go of that stuff years ago. It hasn't been relevant in so long that I kinda sat there in silence. I mean, the apology is more for you (Meaning her, not me) than the other person anyway. Whatever happens after that is all on them tho'. Meaning the ball is now in my court, not hers) It is known. Cut to Monday when I mentioned it to Player 456 and he told me that he had no idea that she was gonna apologize to me, but she'd asked him why he never stood up to me about Zyi' and Mo being over there and whatnot and instead of babying her like he normally would have, he told her the truth. (Probably a watered down version of the truth, but the truth nonetheless) I was like: "Things would have been so different if just once I saw you stand for me. Just once." He said: "I know. I was a coward." And I went: "I know."
*** Sunday morning started with me talking to Aunt Carroll about Mo's boyfriend's mom and her sneaky, manipulative, passive aggressive ways
^Here are the basics
I'm sticking a pin in this situation to keep a better eye on it just in case. For now, the more important part of my conversation with Aunt Carroll is the fact that apparently, there's more to the story than what's officially when it comes to Cin'que's death. The more she told me what has been said, the queasier I felt. She's angry at the frat because they're trying to put it out there that Cin'que committed suicide. Wait, what? Alot has been going on as of late. Due to my understanding of the situation, I'm not gonna unpack it here. What I am gonna say is that one day, the truth will come out and it will shine higher and brighter than any lie ever could.
One important note tho': According to his death certificate, there was no autopsy done and there was no official timeline of death and yet, I was sitting beside Aunt Carroll when the coroner called and told Aunt Carroll that according to her "initial autopsy", he was killed by the first car that hit him, not the second. It was also determined that this happened sometime after 10pms, before 11pms. If all this information is common knowledge, why does she have a certificate that reflects that none of this is true? I trust my own mind and my own ears. I was there.
Because of this, I can safely report that something about this entire situation is off. Stuff like this is what conspiracy theorists like me like to call: Suspiciously cover uppy
*** I met Eddie Sunday. I like him. I kinda like having male friends who aren't determined to get in my panties. We went to see Avatar: The Way Of Water and the movie itself was beautiful, it truly was. My problem was the plot. When we got to Chili's, I explained what my issues were and we went back and forth over our thoughts.
^See? Shit like this
I also realized that I've gotta stop mentioning past me's shenanigans cuz it creates this effect where I'm constantly having to slap: " But I'm not like that anymore." to the end of my sentences. I mean, if you're no longer like that, why continue to give it time/energy? Past is past. If you're still giving it the floor in the present then no matter what you tell yourself, for you, it's still present cuz it's a present thought. I've also come to find that I only do this when I'm inebriated. Since I hardly ever drink now, it never crossed my mind that I do this. After he dropped me off, my intrusive thoughts made sure I noticed. They were like: "You talk too much! He's not gonna call/text you anymore cuz you don't know how to stay in the moment…" I almost let them win, but yesterday while I was in the bathroom, (Not like that! I'm in the middle of painting/tiling in there. I'm doing a full remodel) I remembered something Caleb told me waaaaaaaaay back when. That he didn't wanna know the version of me that I project to others. He wanted to be friends with who I really am, be it good or bad. Ever since that conversation, I've stopped worrying about certain aspects of who I am/was/what I do/have done BUT I can also be honest that not every person I meet will wanna know me for who I actually am. And then I had this thought: If I hafta be mindful how I present myself, do I really want that kind of energy in my life?
The answer is a loud, proud FUCK NO, soooooooo, we'll see what happens from here. (I'll also be more mindful of conversations while inebriated cuz I do understand that some of my facts can be alot and should be absorbed over time and not in a day *laughs in too much*)
*** Washing Machine went out yesterday. Called Player 456 cuz he took a lot of my tools before he lost the white truck so I don't have what I need to fix it. He said he'll do me one better and find me one. I figured that was a load of crap, but nah. He found me a washing machine. Go figure. (Entry update 12/21/2021: He never brought the washing machine yesterday. Apparently, he was dope sick and I… An not surprised. Are you? This the new normal 🙄🙄🙄)
Since we're on Player 456, you know what I'm tired of? Every time I'm talking about something I've done that he had a part in, he's clambering for credit (He was doing it again over the weekend) and I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much until this morning while I was putting up tile in the bathroom. Him doing that to me is a hypocritical act because every time he used to get all up in his feelings box and throw me outta "his car/truck", not once was it thrown in his face that without me, he wouldn't even own the vehicle that he was throwing me out of. (Gah this shit was toxic as hell 😩😩😩) AND for years after I put myself in the hospital buying the house so that there would be nothing said about ownership, I would hear him telling people that "I just bought a place out in *insert where I live*" I never threw it in his face that it was my sacrifice that bought the home nor did I ever get nasty and yell "Get out my house!" in his face cuz I'm a lot of things but I was never that disgusting. I never said: "You act like you did it all yourself." As a matter of fact, one time I did ask why he never at least included me and say "We bought a home." Know what he said? "You know what I meant." So why am I expected to itemize when I speak when THESE THINGS HAVE NEVER BEEN DONE FOR ME?!?!?!
Before I roll out, I have something else to contribute to this entry: "I'm starting to realize that you and I aren't gonna get back together." He tried that one on me Monday night. After pointing out to him that nobody should feel comfortable adding the load I'm already carrying, I added that I'm dealing with something really hard right now so why is he trying to add to it?
Cut to this morning as I'm cleaning my room before work, (I have no idea what inspired this) I was thinking about sacrifices that I made while Player 456 and I were together and it made me think about when we ended up having to move from Woodcreek to Kim Road because he was still stealing and that was fine and dandy (Cuz as I said, I was told my family was my responsibility so I lived with quite a bit of fuck shit) while I was at da bounce but I was back at the burger farm and all that robbery was making bill paying damn near impossible. I couldn't put up money for him to steal anymore cuz financially, I was in a different place so it was taking me under and fast so I decided to stop paying rent at Woodcreek and start looking for a place to stay. Chemere found Kim Rd and for 2months, instead of rent, I put up money cuz this wasn't a tax time project. This was waaaaaaaaay before I started paying my rent in advance. On the day that we were supposed to put down the down payment and first month's rent, my wallet fell off the top of the truck cuz when I went in to pay for gas, (This was around the time that instead of putting money in the gas tank, he would steal the money then swear up and down that he had no idea why we were always almost outta gas like I was really that slow) I left my wallet on top of the car. When we drove off, of course it flew off. When we got to the place to pay, of course, my wallet was gone. He flipped out! "You're so stupid! That money is long gone now! What the fuck are we supposed to now?!" I asked for a ride to go look for it and he refused, citing that there was no point cuz this was all my fault. Not once did he point out this it was his drug usage that had us having to move. Not once did he point out that multiple times I'd told him that I was taking the kids and we were moving without him but he was the one that swore that the clinic (Cuz I have no idea how long after the clinic did he start back up with the drugs so I'm not gonna act like I do) had changed him so if we all moved together, drugs would no longer be an issue and I trusted this "changed man" instead of what was right in front of my four eyes. Not once did he say: "Don't feel bad, we'll figure it out. Yes, I'll give you a ride and we'll go look together." Nope, none of that. No accountability that if he was so busy playing hide and go sneak, we wouldn't be moving in the first place. Just yelling, screaming and calling me stupid like it was all on me to solve the problem that HE CAUSED. So I decided I was gonna go on foot. I walked the entire path from Woodcreek to the gas station, mostly to calm down cuz on my way there, I wasn't really looking. On my way back, I found my wallet wrapped around a light pole. All my cards still intact but more importantly, all my money still accounted for. When I got back to the house, he wanted to apologize but I turned, looked him dead in his face and told him if he ever called me stupid ever again, he was gonna find out how smart I actually was. Why did I think of this? At first, I wasn't sure but I've had all morning to really think about it and honestly, I think my brain wanted me to notice that once again, he's wanting me to fix a problem that he created and not only that, he wants me to do this with no changes of his own. It would be different if he could say:
*** I do as much as I can to repair/strengthen my relationship with the kids. I'm in their lives and it has nothing to do with you
*** I've not only accepted accountability for my part in where I am in life, I've acknowledged my toxic traits and am working double time to heal/grow from them so that I will not bring/project toxic behaviors into the positive environment that you worked hard to provide for our children
*** I'm clean. I can prove it. I go to weekly support meetings. I'm talking my stuff out and doing my best to show you I'm ready to do/be better
*** I'm paying the child support that I promised when I chose to leave
*** I'm dependable. When you call, I'm ready to uplift and support because I want you to see me with new eyes
*** I'm showing you I can be trusted by changing up how I handle you. I respect that you are not the same as I left you and am honoring that by no longer picking fights or putting us in a place where we could argue because I listened when you said you only want healthy interactions, especially with me
*** I'm ready to stop being a child cosplaying as an adult. I'm ready for real responsibilities and I'm not telling you anything. I'm showing you all of this by doing all of the above. This is not about me wanting to waltz back in as a burden. This is about being ready to be the family that we should have been from the beginning…
Until he can say all of that, I don't think he should keep bringing up anything about, near or between us. You can't ask for US if the issue still lies with YOU. That is a selfish act. It is known.
It would not only be unfair, it would be gross of me to see that not enough has changed for me to see this with a positive headspace. I've been told alot, but I would be a fool if I behaved as if I've been shown anything. He hasn't shown me squat and yet can put those lips to form sentences such as *points* that one. FOH.
You weren't thrown out and when you were asked FOUR TIMES to come back, not only did you decline, you told me to move on and get a life of my own. I decided to throw every ounce of myself into healing mentally and anybody who wants to guilt me for that can kiss my ass cuz that means they're not worth a seat at my life table.
Later
PS: Welp, Player 456 showed up with the washing machine. He gets on my last nerve, but I appreciate it when he tries. He was getting teary eyed on his way out... I can understand that tho'. He really did just give us away to be in the streets. That's gotta be hard *shrugs* I can't mock that. All I can do is shake my head and hope he finds what he truly needs in life