38 Before 39... (38 life lessons/facts, understandings and observations before I turn 39)
"If you want to love others, I think you should love yourself first."
- Namjoon (I saw this and smiled cuz I've been saying this since FOREVER. Finding out my husband has said something similar puts a cherry on top. There's nothing wrong with being selfish... Not so selfish that you are unkind to others, but selfish to a point that you don't put you last so everyone else can be first)
Before I start this list, today is SA's birthday! So yeah, Happy Birthday SA 🎂🎂🎂
38. I've been near Player 456 several times since he threatened to shoot me, but mentally, it's like being sprayed by a skunk. It's damn near impossible to get the stench off. I've tried. Sometimes, even without provocation, the words: "You don't think I would kill you." will just whisper its way through my thoughts. Unfortunately, that set the tone of this year. Even more unfortunate was the day it happened was June 11th, 2021, my birthday. I've spent the entire year trying to claw my way from beneath the weight of it
37. Tying in with 38, in therapy, I've been working on figuring out if it's really PTSD or if I'm just emotionally stunted. Not a good headspace to be in, I assure you
36. We switched stores this year! (I still work at a burger farm… Just a more ghetto/chaotic version) You know what's crazy? I'm only three numbers in and I'm already thinking about how much really changed this year
35. I went through dental surgery! I've known since I was a kid that I was gonna lose my teeth before 40, but that didn't make it any easier on me. Looking back tho', despite how rough it was, choosing to invest in that kind of surgery was WISE
34. Caleb. That's it. That's the number
33. Tying in with 35, September, October, and November were my financial struggle months and I only have myself to blame because I chose to put trust where it didn't belong. On the bright side tho', in the words of Dora and Boots: "We did it!"
32. Depression kicked my ass this year. There. I said it.
31. I cried more this year than I have in YEARS and that's hard to admit, but yeah, it happened
30. I started year 38 weighing in at 199. As of my last weigh in, I'm at 151.9. I'm trying to get my numbers back up tho' cuz I graduated High School at 134 and I don't wanna be that little ever again. Tie depression/anxiety/stress together and you get a person who was so obsessed with claiming some amount of control that she did entirely too much and went overboard.
29. "Grow up" wasn't meant to be advice, but that's how I received it
28. Tying in with 30, I've become a more openly selfish version of myself. *nod nod* More than before. (I didn't think it were possible, but look at me, thriving)
27. Tying both of those together, in the words of the great philosopher Daffy Duck: "Sometimes you hafta treat others wrong to treat yourself right."
26. This year was a journey through clarity which involved resetting my thought process and no longer making choices from an emotional standpoint. Decisions are now based off what is/what isn't. In other words, from a logical standpoint
25. Tying in with 32, I NEVER GAVE UP and I never bowed down and asked for help, (Any help received was offered, not asked for) nor did I turn bitter/petty. I stood ten toes deep and NOBODY will ever be able to separate me from that truth
24. I entered an era of peace/serenity that I'm unwilling to let go of. Despite depression breathing down my spine at a moment's notice, somehow I always manage to discover the positive in it. It may not come immediately and it might involve BTS in some way, but that's not the point. The point is that I've learned how to better cope with my mental health
23. I've been staying to myself now more than ever. Honestly, I feel like that's the best thing for me until I'm a healed version of myself. I don't want to have to keep reminding people of my triggers/depression/mania/anxiety so truth be told, it's just easier. I've always been an ambivert, leaning to the introvert side anyway so the choice to stay in my own lane feels like the most logical
22. It hasn't happened yet, but it's making the list anyway… PROOF drops this Friday! The video for "Yet To Come" also drops so as previously stated, I'm counting this as my gift from BTS 💜💜💜
21. Speaking of BTS, I attended 2 of their online concerts this year
20. Red shirts! Due to writer's block dragging me by my baby hairs, I came up with four red shirt characters. Y'all remember old school Star Trek where you knew who was gonna die by their red shirts? That's what made me think of it then Damian gave me the idea to give them back stories. That idea spun 砂時計 Sunadokei into existence and it doesn't just involve the red shirts. I started doing quite a few little side stories, one of which includes something I can't mention cuz it would involve a SPOILER WARNING ⚠️⚠️⚠️
19. Tying in with 20, I've decided that SA is not allowed to touch Agents Of Chaos until the writer's block is lifted
18. Tying in with 34, this was the year that I embraced more of my feminine side. When I was younger, I read this thing that said something along the lines of "A woman is at her most womanly when she is treated as such." I dismissed that as bullshit at the time, but I'm slowly learning that whoever said that shit might be onto something
17. This was the year I started listening to music while getting ready for work. It helps me get off to a good start seeing as how it's almost always BTS
16. Trust the process, no matter how long it may be. When you rush the process, you're more likely to miss out on bits and pieces (Sometimes the most important parts)
15. Forgive yourself… Nah. Nope. No... Read that again because the journey to forgive yourself is paved differently than those to forgive others… So please, forgive yourself
14. For all my flaws and my journey through healing, I've begun to fall in love with myself again. Well no, scratch that. Who are we kidding here? I never fell out of love. It's hard to explain. The best way to describe it would be how I said it to my therapist: "This love has a deeper root to the point that I cannot fathom living in a world where casa de mentality feels like a footnote. We are first and forever will be."
13. Stop waiting for someone to put you first and do that shit for yourself. You'll thank me later
12. Finally got to experience two things I've always wanted to: Home2Suites and Texas Roadhouse… Both were worth it!
11. Personal growth is just that: Personal. You don't owe anyone new versions of yourself. What you choose to share is up to you and anybody who can't accept that isn't for you and you know what? That's okay
10. Tying in with 11, boundaries are an important part of the healing process. You don't owe anyone your time or your resources. Basically, you don't owe anyone YOU
9. Tying in with 25, I said I didn't ask for help this year, but I was wrong. I asked my job for help after Miss Virus caught up to my ass. Those were quite possibly the scariest 2wks of my life, but I did them alone in my room. Thanks to Sherry and my Aunt Carroll checking up on me, (Cuz I didn't tell anybody I had it until after I was mobile again) the experience probably wasn't as bad as it could have been
8. I've always been independent, but this year really put into perspective how much I can truly achieve on my own (And on foot cuz I'm all about that leg day life 😂😂😂) to the point that now I'm obsessively independent
7. Being/staying single is one of the most beautifully stressful, most peaceful, hardest, easiest things I've ever decided to do
6. Tying in with 7, several times I've caught myself thinking about that relationship life but something will happen to either me or somebody I know and INSTANTLY I'll be reminded why I'm all about my serenity life
5. Tying both 6 & 7 together, because of what happened to me, when I think about relationships, the very idea puts a feeling of panic in me. I dunno if I'll ever be ready to truly put myself out there again, What I do know is Imma wait until I'm SHOWN my mental health will be first. Words will never be good enough for me EVER AGAIN. Imma need to see to believe because keeping up with myself is a burden and I carry it alone (Outside of therapy and this journal) so someone coming in and not giving the same energy just wouldn't be accepted. I would rather stay alone than feel alone, you know? What I do know without question is, in a living together sense. I don't know if I'll ever
be capable of living with someone ever again…
I really don't think it would be fair to expect a man/woman/vegetable/mineral/animal to come into my life prepared to handle something I'm not always successful at handling. That would be gross. Truth is, not only does it feel suffocating/intrusive, with how my headspace is set up, it would probably cause more harm than good
4. Update/Mature in your version of peace and you'll never be bored again
3. Be loud in your peace and you'll never go quiet again… I've thought about this one quite often and on several different occasions. Never again will I sacrifice my peace of mind for someone else. If it doesn't add to my headspace, it's not for me and I'm at peace with that
2. Stop spending so much time on other people's grass and water/mow/nurture your own! Meaning: If you're comparing yourself/your life to anyone else's, quit that shit. Right now. Today. You could start to tell yourself that you'll never measure up and that's not a good place for your mental health to be in
1. And quite possibly the most important: As I say every year, never allow the background music of the world to become your permanent soundtrack. People talk. People opinionate. People think. Guess what? None of that matters. What matters is what you think cuz your journey through life starts with YOU. Unless you ask for interference, it doesn't matter past what you think because at the end of the day, you're the one who is left in the wake of your choices
This year's list wasn't exactly the most upbeat and since only a select few people know my brain has been fried since my birthday last year, (Which is why I didn't post my list to Facebook like I normally do) it took me longer than usual to put this together. I really had to think about year 38 for awhile and honestly, I didn't want to. This year was emotionally damaging to me. There. I said it.
*** I faced thinking I was gonna die TWICE
*** I faced financial ruin (Coupled with the understanding that I didn't choose this life. It was chosen for me. With the added disgust at the suggestion that getting a man and allowing him to move in with me would erase the struggle, as if I didn't have a teenage daughter under my roof. As if I didn't know from fucking experience that ALOT of the time, molestation/rape occurs when mommy's so busy getting her groove back that she doesn't care about who/what she allows to slither through the door. Yeah, fuck that... Better to struggle than anything to happen to my kids cuz I wasn't vigilant)
*** I faced emotional trauma
*** I faced depression
*** I faced anxiety/panic
*** I faced people being cruel/heartless towards me
*** Shit, I face cowsdamn fucking PTSD EVERYDAY
And you know what? I did it ALONE. I didn't start snotting all over my social media for those sweet, sweet likes & loves nor did I start filling every year that would have me with what's really going on with me. (Read as: Attention seeking) I also didn't allow it to define me. Despite how I was treated, I didn't take it as a greenlight to be cruel/mean/petty. (Not gonna lie and say there was no temptation tho'. I am a work in progress after all) I was treated like I wasn't worth a second thought. I was treated like nothing, but it didn't matter cuz I have always had access to something that no one else does: MYSELF
Truth is, I dunno if I'll ever be able to recover. You know what I've come to realize tho'? Even if I don't, I have to make it a point to stand up because my children will grow into my failures if I don't and I want better for them. Does this mean that's what's gonna happen? Fuck no! As much as I hate the reality, once they leave my home, it's on them... But you know what? Even if everything crashes to the ground, I always wanna have the knowledge that I never gave up because I want them to grow into that knowledge
Later
- Namjoon (I saw this and smiled cuz I've been saying this since FOREVER. Finding out my husband has said something similar puts a cherry on top. There's nothing wrong with being selfish... Not so selfish that you are unkind to others, but selfish to a point that you don't put you last so everyone else can be first)
Before I start this list, today is SA's birthday! So yeah, Happy Birthday SA 🎂🎂🎂
38. I've been near Player 456 several times since he threatened to shoot me, but mentally, it's like being sprayed by a skunk. It's damn near impossible to get the stench off. I've tried. Sometimes, even without provocation, the words: "You don't think I would kill you." will just whisper its way through my thoughts. Unfortunately, that set the tone of this year. Even more unfortunate was the day it happened was June 11th, 2021, my birthday. I've spent the entire year trying to claw my way from beneath the weight of it
37. Tying in with 38, in therapy, I've been working on figuring out if it's really PTSD or if I'm just emotionally stunted. Not a good headspace to be in, I assure you
36. We switched stores this year! (I still work at a burger farm… Just a more ghetto/chaotic version) You know what's crazy? I'm only three numbers in and I'm already thinking about how much really changed this year
35. I went through dental surgery! I've known since I was a kid that I was gonna lose my teeth before 40, but that didn't make it any easier on me. Looking back tho', despite how rough it was, choosing to invest in that kind of surgery was WISE
34. Caleb. That's it. That's the number
33. Tying in with 35, September, October, and November were my financial struggle months and I only have myself to blame because I chose to put trust where it didn't belong. On the bright side tho', in the words of Dora and Boots: "We did it!"
32. Depression kicked my ass this year. There. I said it.
31. I cried more this year than I have in YEARS and that's hard to admit, but yeah, it happened
30. I started year 38 weighing in at 199. As of my last weigh in, I'm at 151.9. I'm trying to get my numbers back up tho' cuz I graduated High School at 134 and I don't wanna be that little ever again. Tie depression/anxiety/stress together and you get a person who was so obsessed with claiming some amount of control that she did entirely too much and went overboard.
29. "Grow up" wasn't meant to be advice, but that's how I received it
28. Tying in with 30, I've become a more openly selfish version of myself. *nod nod* More than before. (I didn't think it were possible, but look at me, thriving)
27. Tying both of those together, in the words of the great philosopher Daffy Duck: "Sometimes you hafta treat others wrong to treat yourself right."
26. This year was a journey through clarity which involved resetting my thought process and no longer making choices from an emotional standpoint. Decisions are now based off what is/what isn't. In other words, from a logical standpoint
25. Tying in with 32, I NEVER GAVE UP and I never bowed down and asked for help, (Any help received was offered, not asked for) nor did I turn bitter/petty. I stood ten toes deep and NOBODY will ever be able to separate me from that truth
24. I entered an era of peace/serenity that I'm unwilling to let go of. Despite depression breathing down my spine at a moment's notice, somehow I always manage to discover the positive in it. It may not come immediately and it might involve BTS in some way, but that's not the point. The point is that I've learned how to better cope with my mental health
23. I've been staying to myself now more than ever. Honestly, I feel like that's the best thing for me until I'm a healed version of myself. I don't want to have to keep reminding people of my triggers/depression/mania/anxiety so truth be told, it's just easier. I've always been an ambivert, leaning to the introvert side anyway so the choice to stay in my own lane feels like the most logical
22. It hasn't happened yet, but it's making the list anyway… PROOF drops this Friday! The video for "Yet To Come" also drops so as previously stated, I'm counting this as my gift from BTS 💜💜💜
21. Speaking of BTS, I attended 2 of their online concerts this year
20. Red shirts! Due to writer's block dragging me by my baby hairs, I came up with four red shirt characters. Y'all remember old school Star Trek where you knew who was gonna die by their red shirts? That's what made me think of it then Damian gave me the idea to give them back stories. That idea spun 砂時計 Sunadokei into existence and it doesn't just involve the red shirts. I started doing quite a few little side stories, one of which includes something I can't mention cuz it would involve a SPOILER WARNING ⚠️⚠️⚠️
19. Tying in with 20, I've decided that SA is not allowed to touch Agents Of Chaos until the writer's block is lifted
18. Tying in with 34, this was the year that I embraced more of my feminine side. When I was younger, I read this thing that said something along the lines of "A woman is at her most womanly when she is treated as such." I dismissed that as bullshit at the time, but I'm slowly learning that whoever said that shit might be onto something
17. This was the year I started listening to music while getting ready for work. It helps me get off to a good start seeing as how it's almost always BTS
16. Trust the process, no matter how long it may be. When you rush the process, you're more likely to miss out on bits and pieces (Sometimes the most important parts)
15. Forgive yourself… Nah. Nope. No... Read that again because the journey to forgive yourself is paved differently than those to forgive others… So please, forgive yourself
14. For all my flaws and my journey through healing, I've begun to fall in love with myself again. Well no, scratch that. Who are we kidding here? I never fell out of love. It's hard to explain. The best way to describe it would be how I said it to my therapist: "This love has a deeper root to the point that I cannot fathom living in a world where casa de mentality feels like a footnote. We are first and forever will be."
13. Stop waiting for someone to put you first and do that shit for yourself. You'll thank me later
12. Finally got to experience two things I've always wanted to: Home2Suites and Texas Roadhouse… Both were worth it!
11. Personal growth is just that: Personal. You don't owe anyone new versions of yourself. What you choose to share is up to you and anybody who can't accept that isn't for you and you know what? That's okay
10. Tying in with 11, boundaries are an important part of the healing process. You don't owe anyone your time or your resources. Basically, you don't owe anyone YOU
9. Tying in with 25, I said I didn't ask for help this year, but I was wrong. I asked my job for help after Miss Virus caught up to my ass. Those were quite possibly the scariest 2wks of my life, but I did them alone in my room. Thanks to Sherry and my Aunt Carroll checking up on me, (Cuz I didn't tell anybody I had it until after I was mobile again) the experience probably wasn't as bad as it could have been
8. I've always been independent, but this year really put into perspective how much I can truly achieve on my own (And on foot cuz I'm all about that leg day life 😂😂😂) to the point that now I'm obsessively independent
7. Being/staying single is one of the most beautifully stressful, most peaceful, hardest, easiest things I've ever decided to do
6. Tying in with 7, several times I've caught myself thinking about that relationship life but something will happen to either me or somebody I know and INSTANTLY I'll be reminded why I'm all about my serenity life
5. Tying both 6 & 7 together, because of what happened to me, when I think about relationships, the very idea puts a feeling of panic in me. I dunno if I'll ever be ready to truly put myself out there again, What I do know is Imma wait until I'm SHOWN my mental health will be first. Words will never be good enough for me EVER AGAIN. Imma need to see to believe because keeping up with myself is a burden and I carry it alone (Outside of therapy and this journal) so someone coming in and not giving the same energy just wouldn't be accepted. I would rather stay alone than feel alone, you know? What I do know without question is, in a living together sense. I don't know if I'll ever
be capable of living with someone ever again…
I really don't think it would be fair to expect a man/woman/vegetable/mineral/animal to come into my life prepared to handle something I'm not always successful at handling. That would be gross. Truth is, not only does it feel suffocating/intrusive, with how my headspace is set up, it would probably cause more harm than good
4. Update/Mature in your version of peace and you'll never be bored again
3. Be loud in your peace and you'll never go quiet again… I've thought about this one quite often and on several different occasions. Never again will I sacrifice my peace of mind for someone else. If it doesn't add to my headspace, it's not for me and I'm at peace with that
2. Stop spending so much time on other people's grass and water/mow/nurture your own! Meaning: If you're comparing yourself/your life to anyone else's, quit that shit. Right now. Today. You could start to tell yourself that you'll never measure up and that's not a good place for your mental health to be in
1. And quite possibly the most important: As I say every year, never allow the background music of the world to become your permanent soundtrack. People talk. People opinionate. People think. Guess what? None of that matters. What matters is what you think cuz your journey through life starts with YOU. Unless you ask for interference, it doesn't matter past what you think because at the end of the day, you're the one who is left in the wake of your choices
This year's list wasn't exactly the most upbeat and since only a select few people know my brain has been fried since my birthday last year, (Which is why I didn't post my list to Facebook like I normally do) it took me longer than usual to put this together. I really had to think about year 38 for awhile and honestly, I didn't want to. This year was emotionally damaging to me. There. I said it.
*** I faced thinking I was gonna die TWICE
*** I faced financial ruin (Coupled with the understanding that I didn't choose this life. It was chosen for me. With the added disgust at the suggestion that getting a man and allowing him to move in with me would erase the struggle, as if I didn't have a teenage daughter under my roof. As if I didn't know from fucking experience that ALOT of the time, molestation/rape occurs when mommy's so busy getting her groove back that she doesn't care about who/what she allows to slither through the door. Yeah, fuck that... Better to struggle than anything to happen to my kids cuz I wasn't vigilant)
*** I faced emotional trauma
*** I faced depression
*** I faced anxiety/panic
*** I faced people being cruel/heartless towards me
*** Shit, I face cowsdamn fucking PTSD EVERYDAY
And you know what? I did it ALONE. I didn't start snotting all over my social media for those sweet, sweet likes & loves nor did I start filling every year that would have me with what's really going on with me. (Read as: Attention seeking) I also didn't allow it to define me. Despite how I was treated, I didn't take it as a greenlight to be cruel/mean/petty. (Not gonna lie and say there was no temptation tho'. I am a work in progress after all) I was treated like I wasn't worth a second thought. I was treated like nothing, but it didn't matter cuz I have always had access to something that no one else does: MYSELF
Truth is, I dunno if I'll ever be able to recover. You know what I've come to realize tho'? Even if I don't, I have to make it a point to stand up because my children will grow into my failures if I don't and I want better for them. Does this mean that's what's gonna happen? Fuck no! As much as I hate the reality, once they leave my home, it's on them... But you know what? Even if everything crashes to the ground, I always wanna have the knowledge that I never gave up because I want them to grow into that knowledge
Later