This Week Might As Well Have Been A Month Long... (Also, positive points number 42 & 43)
"I was actually crying to my mom, telling her what this was doing to me and it was like she didn't fucking care."
- Player 456
"Yeah, I know how that feels."
- Me (That man doesn't even begin to understand how much of himself he inherited from her. What he's going through is exactly what he put me through amped up to a thousand! The only difference is, when I was crying to him, he decided to leave it in the crack dealer's hands and apparently, according to him, his mom is leaving his situation in God's. *shrugs in disgust*)
Say whatcha want, I kinda admire the Jezebel/Succubus energy. It's nothing if not resilient. What am I on about?
*points* As you can see, shit was happening yesterday. Yesterday was a hot, dramatic mess. Funny part is, I called Player 456 about Mo. Somehow it got flipped into being about his life. Sooooooooo… After being thrown rather unceremoniously for his building, Methany the patriot saint of jezebel/succubus energy, is now living in the main house. (She finessed the shit outta that man, damn!) Mind you, I called him cuz his daughter was sobbing at school and wanted somebody to get her only to be hollered at about Methany to the point that I had to text my therapist because I was about to have a panic attack in Food Lion. Bruh, nobody cares about Methany. He got mad because I said: "You do realize you chose this life right?" (He also got pussy cuz at first, I didn't wanna say exactly what was going on cuz Mo asked me not to. When I said it was for her sake, he was like: "Then that's what you do. Worry about Mo. You'll figure it out yourself. That's what you're gonna do anyway." Uh, she is my daughter, sir. He was like: "You're just gonna say you're a single mother anyway." Uh, if I'm not, please tell me how. Talking about I was just boosting up drama. No bitch, I didn't wanna betray your daughter's confidence) Nobody ever holds him accountable and as I said, I'm no longer into babying him. I do understand that his mom has always put something/someone above her children. Shit, he knew that. I've been pointing it out since 1944! As a former wearer of rose colored glasses, I'm not gonna say I don't get it cuz that would be a lie. Somebody telling you something will never carry the same weight as the journey to seeing it for yourself. It is known.
Honestly, I told him this was gross. Cuz it is. (This isn't love, kids. Write that down. It's important) I told him that I could never see myself watching these kids (Zyi'/Mo/Kai/Mo) go through what he is then allow that person to live in my home. Cuz I wouldn't. (Fuck that) I even asked him has he ever told his mom how this situation has effected his own kids. Him: "She doesn't even care how this is affecting her own kid! Why would she care about them?!" You know what? Toucheé.
As I was talking tho', it hit me: As much as I meant those words, he needed to hear the truth so yes, I told him he made this happen. He chose this life because he didn't wanna be alone. It's just the e truth. That's what set him off. The truth.
He had every chance for this to not be his life story. She was gone not once, not twice, but FOUR TIMES. He's the one who opened the doors and rolled out the red carpet cuz he was lonely. His mom didn't do that, he did. I know the truth isn't what he wanted (Talking about "I hope you know this isn't helping"), but the truth is what is needed. The fact that he curved this around wanting to come to my house is pretty laughable. He was yelling about he'd been calling me for 6days, but I'd been calling too AND leaving messages like bruh, it's not my fault you don't have a cellphone. None of this is on me. Crazy part is, before he started screaming/cussing at me and before I had that moment of clarity, I almost said he could come to the house. I felt bad. Actually, I still do. The problem is: This isn't a me problem. I didn't throw him out and when I all but begged him to get his shit together so that he could come home, he still chose Methany. She was "his happiness", remember? (I remember. Quote: "I found my happiness. I hope you find yours." The north always remembers. And let's not forget how he felt the need to tell me why she was so much better for him CUZ METH than me only to now constantly tell me if I get a boyfriend, don't tell him cuz it would hurt too much. Bruh, where was that energy when it was me sobbing in the chair cuz I didn't want any of this? Exactly. So keep that same energy) He chose her because he got it in his head that she was better for him. (As you do.) I can't argue/fight/separate someone from their version of the truth. That's not even close to home life works unfortunately. Yes, he has since apologized and swears he has learned the error of his ways, but um, one look at this situation practically screams something entirely different. If my Aunt Carroll was doing this shit to me, she would be dead to me. The end. Without question.
See, because he doesn't feel like he has answers (Because he's dependant on his mommy), I became the answer and because I'm no longer willing to put up with behaviors that cause me trauma, he went into attack mode. I even pointed out that he was projecting. Cuz he was. It wasn't me he wanted to scream at. It just so happened that I was in screaming reach. Which I get… Past me used to make these kinds of toxic behaviors her bitch. *shrugs* Just saying. I get it.
Problem being: You can't find peace doing the same ol' shit. His mom is toxic. He has always known this but he continues to run back to her which in turn, gives her power in his life… Which she knows and never hesitates to use.
Truth is, even tho' he is a smooth, jersetting, professional victim, he doesn't get to shrink behind that this time. He isn't a victim in this unfortunately. Loneliness causes people to make crappy choices. It's just an unavoidable truth. Other people give you a false sense of togetherness that you should have with yourself before you allow other nouns at your table. Allowing another person to be your center is not only a weak minded conquest, it's a dangerous one… It causes situations like this one. Cuz yeah, when you're high and dicking down someone, whether you're male or female, sex bonds you. Making love strengthens that bond, meaning it ties you. I always say there's a difference between having sex and making love. It's just the truth. Sex still gives you those bonding feelings even if it's casual… For a lot of people, those feelings don't stick because it's just that: Casual. Which is why I always say not every personis built for casual sex, but that's neither here nor there. This isn't about sex this time. This is about accountability and it's time for Player 456 to do exactly what he suggested I do and grow up.
Sooooooo…
What do I think about what actually started this entry?
^I only care about the lying part truth be told. I don't like that not only is it the second time he's told her not to tell me something, it's the second time he has told her to lie. Mo can't live a life that way. She needs a strong support system.
All these kids do and that's just the truth of it.
What else has happened this week? (It's only freaking Thursday 😭😭😭)
*** Monday night, one of my neighbors' houses burnt down. If you go look, the whole back half is gone. Only the frame is left
*** Tyler asked me out on a 2nd date and I'm apprehensive cuz he's been ghosting me and I pointed it out. I mean, are you asking me cuz you want to or are you asking cuz I called you out?
*** I'm kinda tired of dating and yes, I am aware that this sounds like I'm out every night. I'm also aware that this is with me only clocking in with a resounding FOUR DATES since this all unfolded. (Because I don't count Ol' Whatshisface cuz us spending time together isn't dating. Two friends can hang out, do shit, and it still not be a date… And yes, this is with the understanding that I still call hanging out with my friends "dates". I'm so ass backwards 😂😂😂) Honestly, I keep losing interest in people. Probably cuz I don't wanna waste time on these hoes 😩😩😩
*** On the positive points front, I held my feet to the fire and admitted that I still depend on Player 456 to take off my trash so Tuesday I asked Lily and Arnette would it be okay if I start dropping my trash off at work. They both said yes so now I am allowed to take my trash to ye ol' burger farm as long as nobody knows what I'm doing. I can handle that. Keeping my trap shut is in my wheelhouse.
*** It's Cinco De Mayo! Mo suggested that we have tacos today so I'm on my way to buy the ingredients. I've decided to also have a lil sippy sip cuz duh. This is also a drinkers holiday.
*** Welp, we have yet another positive point… Player 456's sister just called and asked if I would like to do photography professionally. Normally I woulda been like: "Fuck no!", but as I put in my dead-ed box, this was the year that I was gonna stop walking myself out of opportunities. Hell, even if the lady she recommended me to ends up not being interested, the fact that someone admires Max's work enough to suggest him is a huge deal in my book. She was like: "You do beautiful work. It's time somebody sees it." (Know my ass doesn't think like that, but who am I to shun Max's compliments? Honestly, I think he gets a big enough circle jerk from our Instagram, but again, who am I?)
We've gotta stop denying ourselves shit. This could become an open door, ya know? Who knows? Maybe it's time I think about stepping through one
Later
PS: Entry update... (5/6/2022)
Two things...
1) Seeing as how the dark lord is now actively trying to kill himself, (People, namely Player 456 have been dragging him from that white light every time) I have decided to extend myself to Player 456 support wise BUT (And this is why I'm writing it down) I let him know that this comes with the understanding that if he ever fixes his face to raise his voice at me ever again, he will be dead to me. IMMEDIATELY. I won't think about it twice. Him: "So, you'll st least think about it once." See, this is how you know when hoes think you're playing with them. He'll either get that mouth together or he'll be finding out the hard way
2) Last night I also spoke with Tyler and explained to him that him encouraging Mo to lie to me is toxic and I cannot allow their relationship to continue if he is toxic for her. Just because he lives in an environment where he feels the need to lie everyday doesn't mean ruin the stable, loving environment she comes from. (Yes, I did say this) I also told him if I ever find out he has gone against my wishes, that's a wrap because no boy will be allowed to come between us. I am e only parent that she has easy access to right now so ruining her relationship with me will cause her mental distress. He said that wasn't his intention that he was only trying to make sure I wasn't gaining an interest in their relationship. (I told them out the gate that it was of the utmost importance that I not because I am very obsessive about things. *looks around* What was I supposed to do? Lie?) So told him that lies give me an interest cuz Mo doesn't come from a toxic environment and he will not be allowed to turn it into one. Then I got him to repeat after me: "I promise to never encourage/tell Samora to lie to you ever again because I know it's not good for her." Then I told him I was gonna write it down so that if this ever occurs again, he will know exactly why I respond the way I choose to. So this is me creating a record
- Player 456
"Yeah, I know how that feels."
- Me (That man doesn't even begin to understand how much of himself he inherited from her. What he's going through is exactly what he put me through amped up to a thousand! The only difference is, when I was crying to him, he decided to leave it in the crack dealer's hands and apparently, according to him, his mom is leaving his situation in God's. *shrugs in disgust*)
Say whatcha want, I kinda admire the Jezebel/Succubus energy. It's nothing if not resilient. What am I on about?
*points* As you can see, shit was happening yesterday. Yesterday was a hot, dramatic mess. Funny part is, I called Player 456 about Mo. Somehow it got flipped into being about his life. Sooooooooo… After being thrown rather unceremoniously for his building, Methany the patriot saint of jezebel/succubus energy, is now living in the main house. (She finessed the shit outta that man, damn!) Mind you, I called him cuz his daughter was sobbing at school and wanted somebody to get her only to be hollered at about Methany to the point that I had to text my therapist because I was about to have a panic attack in Food Lion. Bruh, nobody cares about Methany. He got mad because I said: "You do realize you chose this life right?" (He also got pussy cuz at first, I didn't wanna say exactly what was going on cuz Mo asked me not to. When I said it was for her sake, he was like: "Then that's what you do. Worry about Mo. You'll figure it out yourself. That's what you're gonna do anyway." Uh, she is my daughter, sir. He was like: "You're just gonna say you're a single mother anyway." Uh, if I'm not, please tell me how. Talking about I was just boosting up drama. No bitch, I didn't wanna betray your daughter's confidence) Nobody ever holds him accountable and as I said, I'm no longer into babying him. I do understand that his mom has always put something/someone above her children. Shit, he knew that. I've been pointing it out since 1944! As a former wearer of rose colored glasses, I'm not gonna say I don't get it cuz that would be a lie. Somebody telling you something will never carry the same weight as the journey to seeing it for yourself. It is known.
Honestly, I told him this was gross. Cuz it is. (This isn't love, kids. Write that down. It's important) I told him that I could never see myself watching these kids (Zyi'/Mo/Kai/Mo) go through what he is then allow that person to live in my home. Cuz I wouldn't. (Fuck that) I even asked him has he ever told his mom how this situation has effected his own kids. Him: "She doesn't even care how this is affecting her own kid! Why would she care about them?!" You know what? Toucheé.
As I was talking tho', it hit me: As much as I meant those words, he needed to hear the truth so yes, I told him he made this happen. He chose this life because he didn't wanna be alone. It's just the e truth. That's what set him off. The truth.
He had every chance for this to not be his life story. She was gone not once, not twice, but FOUR TIMES. He's the one who opened the doors and rolled out the red carpet cuz he was lonely. His mom didn't do that, he did. I know the truth isn't what he wanted (Talking about "I hope you know this isn't helping"), but the truth is what is needed. The fact that he curved this around wanting to come to my house is pretty laughable. He was yelling about he'd been calling me for 6days, but I'd been calling too AND leaving messages like bruh, it's not my fault you don't have a cellphone. None of this is on me. Crazy part is, before he started screaming/cussing at me and before I had that moment of clarity, I almost said he could come to the house. I felt bad. Actually, I still do. The problem is: This isn't a me problem. I didn't throw him out and when I all but begged him to get his shit together so that he could come home, he still chose Methany. She was "his happiness", remember? (I remember. Quote: "I found my happiness. I hope you find yours." The north always remembers. And let's not forget how he felt the need to tell me why she was so much better for him CUZ METH than me only to now constantly tell me if I get a boyfriend, don't tell him cuz it would hurt too much. Bruh, where was that energy when it was me sobbing in the chair cuz I didn't want any of this? Exactly. So keep that same energy) He chose her because he got it in his head that she was better for him. (As you do.) I can't argue/fight/separate someone from their version of the truth. That's not even close to home life works unfortunately. Yes, he has since apologized and swears he has learned the error of his ways, but um, one look at this situation practically screams something entirely different. If my Aunt Carroll was doing this shit to me, she would be dead to me. The end. Without question.
See, because he doesn't feel like he has answers (Because he's dependant on his mommy), I became the answer and because I'm no longer willing to put up with behaviors that cause me trauma, he went into attack mode. I even pointed out that he was projecting. Cuz he was. It wasn't me he wanted to scream at. It just so happened that I was in screaming reach. Which I get… Past me used to make these kinds of toxic behaviors her bitch. *shrugs* Just saying. I get it.
Problem being: You can't find peace doing the same ol' shit. His mom is toxic. He has always known this but he continues to run back to her which in turn, gives her power in his life… Which she knows and never hesitates to use.
Truth is, even tho' he is a smooth, jersetting, professional victim, he doesn't get to shrink behind that this time. He isn't a victim in this unfortunately. Loneliness causes people to make crappy choices. It's just an unavoidable truth. Other people give you a false sense of togetherness that you should have with yourself before you allow other nouns at your table. Allowing another person to be your center is not only a weak minded conquest, it's a dangerous one… It causes situations like this one. Cuz yeah, when you're high and dicking down someone, whether you're male or female, sex bonds you. Making love strengthens that bond, meaning it ties you. I always say there's a difference between having sex and making love. It's just the truth. Sex still gives you those bonding feelings even if it's casual… For a lot of people, those feelings don't stick because it's just that: Casual. Which is why I always say not every personis built for casual sex, but that's neither here nor there. This isn't about sex this time. This is about accountability and it's time for Player 456 to do exactly what he suggested I do and grow up.
Sooooooo…
What do I think about what actually started this entry?
^I only care about the lying part truth be told. I don't like that not only is it the second time he's told her not to tell me something, it's the second time he has told her to lie. Mo can't live a life that way. She needs a strong support system.
All these kids do and that's just the truth of it.
What else has happened this week? (It's only freaking Thursday 😭😭😭)
*** Monday night, one of my neighbors' houses burnt down. If you go look, the whole back half is gone. Only the frame is left
*** Tyler asked me out on a 2nd date and I'm apprehensive cuz he's been ghosting me and I pointed it out. I mean, are you asking me cuz you want to or are you asking cuz I called you out?
*** I'm kinda tired of dating and yes, I am aware that this sounds like I'm out every night. I'm also aware that this is with me only clocking in with a resounding FOUR DATES since this all unfolded. (Because I don't count Ol' Whatshisface cuz us spending time together isn't dating. Two friends can hang out, do shit, and it still not be a date… And yes, this is with the understanding that I still call hanging out with my friends "dates". I'm so ass backwards 😂😂😂) Honestly, I keep losing interest in people. Probably cuz I don't wanna waste time on these hoes 😩😩😩
*** On the positive points front, I held my feet to the fire and admitted that I still depend on Player 456 to take off my trash so Tuesday I asked Lily and Arnette would it be okay if I start dropping my trash off at work. They both said yes so now I am allowed to take my trash to ye ol' burger farm as long as nobody knows what I'm doing. I can handle that. Keeping my trap shut is in my wheelhouse.
*** It's Cinco De Mayo! Mo suggested that we have tacos today so I'm on my way to buy the ingredients. I've decided to also have a lil sippy sip cuz duh. This is also a drinkers holiday.
*** Welp, we have yet another positive point… Player 456's sister just called and asked if I would like to do photography professionally. Normally I woulda been like: "Fuck no!", but as I put in my dead-ed box, this was the year that I was gonna stop walking myself out of opportunities. Hell, even if the lady she recommended me to ends up not being interested, the fact that someone admires Max's work enough to suggest him is a huge deal in my book. She was like: "You do beautiful work. It's time somebody sees it." (Know my ass doesn't think like that, but who am I to shun Max's compliments? Honestly, I think he gets a big enough circle jerk from our Instagram, but again, who am I?)
We've gotta stop denying ourselves shit. This could become an open door, ya know? Who knows? Maybe it's time I think about stepping through one
Later
PS: Entry update... (5/6/2022)
Two things...
1) Seeing as how the dark lord is now actively trying to kill himself, (People, namely Player 456 have been dragging him from that white light every time) I have decided to extend myself to Player 456 support wise BUT (And this is why I'm writing it down) I let him know that this comes with the understanding that if he ever fixes his face to raise his voice at me ever again, he will be dead to me. IMMEDIATELY. I won't think about it twice. Him: "So, you'll st least think about it once." See, this is how you know when hoes think you're playing with them. He'll either get that mouth together or he'll be finding out the hard way
2) Last night I also spoke with Tyler and explained to him that him encouraging Mo to lie to me is toxic and I cannot allow their relationship to continue if he is toxic for her. Just because he lives in an environment where he feels the need to lie everyday doesn't mean ruin the stable, loving environment she comes from. (Yes, I did say this) I also told him if I ever find out he has gone against my wishes, that's a wrap because no boy will be allowed to come between us. I am e only parent that she has easy access to right now so ruining her relationship with me will cause her mental distress. He said that wasn't his intention that he was only trying to make sure I wasn't gaining an interest in their relationship. (I told them out the gate that it was of the utmost importance that I not because I am very obsessive about things. *looks around* What was I supposed to do? Lie?) So told him that lies give me an interest cuz Mo doesn't come from a toxic environment and he will not be allowed to turn it into one. Then I got him to repeat after me: "I promise to never encourage/tell Samora to lie to you ever again because I know it's not good for her." Then I told him I was gonna write it down so that if this ever occurs again, he will know exactly why I respond the way I choose to. So this is me creating a record