Dusting Off A Feelings Box...
"You know what? I tried. I did my best. I don't think it's gonna get any better with me having to call and you won't even answer… Or try to return calls…"
- Me (Talking to myself apparently 🙄🙄🙄)
*sighs* Let's chat. Pull up a chair, I really, really need to sort through this...
Yup, ya get two entries today!
I'm starting to think that my therapist was correct when she said that the reason why I struggle so much with this David mess is because he keeps dangling new beginnings in front of me instead of just leaving me be. He says he wants peace between us and because I want it to be peaceful, a part of me holds on to the side of the boat... Even if said boat is basically the Titanic.
How so?
*sighs* Remember a few entries down when I mentioned that David has decided that he wants to be friends and so on and so forth, welp, I can honestly say he made it 4days which is 4 more than I expected.
He's not doing anything mean persay so I'm definitely cool with it, but he's ignoring me now which is not a good way to co-parent. *shrugs*
Due to the little bit of closure I gained yesterday, I took a long, hard (HA!) look at this entire situation. Doing so helped me figure out why I've so stuck and no, it's not just what happened on my birthday (and the freaking day after 😒😒😒) I'm stuck because I'm coming to terms with the fact that I was the one holding the family together. I mean, I've always known it, but being kicked in the face with it is different. David never wanted to be a parent and he didn't want this family. It's something I've always known. It's why it has been so easy for him to be away from the kids now. David wanted to do what he wanted to do and for over a year and a half, I've been stuck in this hell loop because I know this break up wasn't even my idea. All I wanted was for US to get it together (I say us cuz as we all know, I wasn't always the best representation of myself) and save our family. For me, everything that happened after that day was a symbolism of failure and I hate how hard that is on me. No matter how it's spun, I have to come to terms with the fact that it was easier to throw it all away than it was to get it together. I wasn't worth the effort, the kids weren't worth the effort... Shit, nothing was worth the effort 🤷🤷🤷 It's a tough pill to swallow. Some days I just lie there cuz I can't believe things went up in flames like they did. Which is funny cuz if I were to be honest with myself, this was always in the future. I just wasn't ready for it. *shrugs* Sometimes I'm still not ready for it cuz truth is, if you can stop loving someone in a day, there's a good chance you were never in love. True love doesn't dissolve overnight. It takes time. I wish I could rip out the love that remains for David as if it were never there, (Cuz I've come to find if you can still muster up the strength to be pissed at a person, no matter what you say, you feel something) but oh well. It's not that simple. We still have ties to one another… But not really. He doesn't give two shits about me or them kids. Honestly, all of this reminds me of when he was at his Aunt Jenna's living his best meth life. I would call, get ignored, get lied to, wash… rinse… repeat. You know what the common denominator in all of our mess has always been? ME.
Cows be good, I'm the problem. It's always me holding things together whether they're meant for me or not. Here's the kicker: I know this and yet, it doesn't detour me. That man has finally stopped being a thorn in my side and instead of dancing in the streets and celebrating like a good little nerd, I'm falling for the okie doke. It's as if I'm regressing. It's like I wanna believe so badly that he has changed… Kinda like I don't wanna believe my eyes.
*sighs* That has always been my problem, you see. I wanna see the good in shit, even if it's fuck shit. I think deep down I wish none of this had happened and things were somehow okay. It's hilarious cuz David has been telling me all along that I'm the problem… I'm only just now accepting it.
*shrugs*
So how does one heal from something like this?
Later
- Me (Talking to myself apparently 🙄🙄🙄)
*sighs* Let's chat. Pull up a chair, I really, really need to sort through this...
Yup, ya get two entries today!
I'm starting to think that my therapist was correct when she said that the reason why I struggle so much with this David mess is because he keeps dangling new beginnings in front of me instead of just leaving me be. He says he wants peace between us and because I want it to be peaceful, a part of me holds on to the side of the boat... Even if said boat is basically the Titanic.
How so?
*sighs* Remember a few entries down when I mentioned that David has decided that he wants to be friends and so on and so forth, welp, I can honestly say he made it 4days which is 4 more than I expected.
He's not doing anything mean persay so I'm definitely cool with it, but he's ignoring me now which is not a good way to co-parent. *shrugs*
Due to the little bit of closure I gained yesterday, I took a long, hard (HA!) look at this entire situation. Doing so helped me figure out why I've so stuck and no, it's not just what happened on my birthday (and the freaking day after 😒😒😒) I'm stuck because I'm coming to terms with the fact that I was the one holding the family together. I mean, I've always known it, but being kicked in the face with it is different. David never wanted to be a parent and he didn't want this family. It's something I've always known. It's why it has been so easy for him to be away from the kids now. David wanted to do what he wanted to do and for over a year and a half, I've been stuck in this hell loop because I know this break up wasn't even my idea. All I wanted was for US to get it together (I say us cuz as we all know, I wasn't always the best representation of myself) and save our family. For me, everything that happened after that day was a symbolism of failure and I hate how hard that is on me. No matter how it's spun, I have to come to terms with the fact that it was easier to throw it all away than it was to get it together. I wasn't worth the effort, the kids weren't worth the effort... Shit, nothing was worth the effort 🤷🤷🤷 It's a tough pill to swallow. Some days I just lie there cuz I can't believe things went up in flames like they did. Which is funny cuz if I were to be honest with myself, this was always in the future. I just wasn't ready for it. *shrugs* Sometimes I'm still not ready for it cuz truth is, if you can stop loving someone in a day, there's a good chance you were never in love. True love doesn't dissolve overnight. It takes time. I wish I could rip out the love that remains for David as if it were never there, (Cuz I've come to find if you can still muster up the strength to be pissed at a person, no matter what you say, you feel something) but oh well. It's not that simple. We still have ties to one another… But not really. He doesn't give two shits about me or them kids. Honestly, all of this reminds me of when he was at his Aunt Jenna's living his best meth life. I would call, get ignored, get lied to, wash… rinse… repeat. You know what the common denominator in all of our mess has always been? ME.
Cows be good, I'm the problem. It's always me holding things together whether they're meant for me or not. Here's the kicker: I know this and yet, it doesn't detour me. That man has finally stopped being a thorn in my side and instead of dancing in the streets and celebrating like a good little nerd, I'm falling for the okie doke. It's as if I'm regressing. It's like I wanna believe so badly that he has changed… Kinda like I don't wanna believe my eyes.
*sighs* That has always been my problem, you see. I wanna see the good in shit, even if it's fuck shit. I think deep down I wish none of this had happened and things were somehow okay. It's hilarious cuz David has been telling me all along that I'm the problem… I'm only just now accepting it.
*shrugs*
So how does one heal from something like this?
Later