That's A No From Me, Dawg... (If you get that reference, it's official: We're in a relationship)
Saturday I was talking to Aunt Carroll and she kept dragging up David like I'm about that life and I wouldn't take the bait. So here's the thing: I'm proud of myself for this one. It doesn't matter if David is/was/or all that is in between... out there dragging my name through the streets, I'm no longer willing to discuss him with others. As mentioned several months back, because of my unwillingness to go full snitch mode and tell EVERYTHING that was going on behind the scenes, everybody was acting like I was being selfish for moving forward and choosing myself. David had both my family and his on his side and did I do anything to change it? Nope. Never lifted a finger. I got to hear all kinds of flowery details about myself that weren't true and the one time I tried to speak out... Well, you know what happened, no need to go past hopping... Because of this and other things, I've decided to shut down shop on Camp David And The Shady Details <-- Tell me that wouldn't make one hell of a tell all book.
At the end of the day, I felt and still feel as if I don't have the right to get mad that everybody rallied behind him. Shit, I wasn't out there spreading my life butter... Which, in hindsight, is probably why I took it so badly when I found out he was dragging me for filth. Like dude, bruh... I'm in here drowning in a pool of secrets and you're out there just lying your ass off. And again, I did nothing because guess what? People just love to curl up to juicy gossip so I let them. Was it right? Well, I'm gonna say yes and no.
Yes because I knew no matter what I said, my truth is my own and once a person decides on what they believe to be factual, it's hard to change that and I've always believed if someone wants to curl up to lies, I hope they choke. Plus that, the kid's didn't deserve to find out the truth from someone running their mouth over something I said. I've never done the dragging he deserved cuz the kids didn't deserve it. Still don't. Facts are facts, America. Then there's no because truth be told, there's a good chance I woulda had more support had I opened my mouth but, I'm just not like that. If you hafta tear someone else down to make yourself look good, you're just as ugly as what you started out with and yes, that is a fact. I owe nothing to anybody except myself. So yeah, it's time to stop answering those questions. It's time to leave the lid closed on that box. I am only safe here or in therapy and you know what? That's okay.
Here is where all of me is painted in either flowery details or dark, harsh realities. There is no in between and I need that. Therapy is where I can voice these truths without judgements cuz if she is judging me, she's paid to keep it to herself. A person who is only listening so that they can pass judgement is not trying to help you and that's the truth. They're just waiting for an in to fork over their two cents and more times then not, it's based off what they think... not what can truly help you. Mind you, this isn't always the case. Take me for example: I give mountains upon mountains of advice but... It's not based off judgements. It's based off what I know about the person I'm talking to.
Some people feel like I guard my truths because I don't wanna be judged... and that's not quite accurate. It's mostly because countless times my truths have been used against me and I don't give a shit how mad I get, I've never done that to another person. My faith in people is at an altime low right now. So I sit on my truths until I'm here or cuddled up on one of those squishy ass chairs in therapy. I may hate therapy but I do the steps and I've grown so much just having a place where I can vent without reservations...
Which is a long time coming. No matter how much I hate going, the need has always been there.
Later