[fic] Like a Tumor
Title: Like a Tumor
Fandom: Star Trek
Rating: R
Pairing: sorta Bones/Kirk
Warnings: Crack. Horror? Maybe. Eminent castration, a little bondage, non-consent on the castration. A tiny mention of tentacles and possible mpreg. Extreme promiscuity on Jim's part, so OOC. Unbetaed.
Author's Notes: Written for st_xi_kink. Original prompt was something like this: "Bones tries to fix Jim because he was also a Kirk-esque slut once upon a time." Make sure you read the warnings on this one!
"Wha-what? Where am I? Bones?"
"Good morning princess."
"I'm...in the sickbay? Why am I tied down?"
"Jim, there comes a time in a man's life when he realizes that he needs to slow down and be a bit more cautious. You have passed that point. In fact, you shot right past it going warp five. Drastic action needs to be taken before your horniness gets you killed."
"This is about that purple tentacle girl, isn't it? Because she was totally harmless-"
"You continually show a lack of common sense on whether "to shag" or "not to shag" so I am going to take the decision out of your hands, as you have made it clear you always make the wrong decision. Sometimes it seems like you choose sex on the principle of making the wrong decision."
"Have you been talking to Spock about this? Cuz that sounded like something he would say, just without the "shag" part."
"Yes, well, I paraphrased. He's as worried about your habits as I am. And I've told him where that road...leads to. Course Spock wasn't worried when I told him about my own experiences. Originally, he was completely against my, well, I guess we'll call it my suggestion."
"Would this suggestion be why I'm currently restrained?"
"I told him that your testosterone levels are over the roof and driving you to do ridiculous things! Dangerous things! Course he didn't listen, he didn't understand how dangerous you are to yourself. How could he understand? He hasn't got a drop of testosterone in him! But he learned. You taught him. You taught him how dangerous your sex drive was to your health and your life! I got him to see that this is the "logical" answer. Your incident with the ke'ralsh convinced him."
"Her name was Ralaahse and she was a very beautiful person."
"I had to fish her "babies" out of your stomach. Dammit Jim, there are species we are absolutely not compatible with! And if you can blow her, she's probably not a she!"
"She's just a little different than most humanoids."
"My point exactly!"
"So what was your suggestion? To keep me tied to the medical bed for the rest of eternity? Cuz I've got a ship to run."
"No, I'm not going to keep you tied down forever. Though I'm tempted to."
"Ooooh really?"
"I'm not particularly in the mood right now Jim."
"Pity."
"My suggestion was to treat your medical condition."
"How? Do you have anti-horny pills? Because I won't take them."
"I'm going to remove what's causing the problem. Like I would remove a tumor."
"You're going to remove...what? My spleen? My appendix?"
"The source of your sex drive."
"Oh really."
"You think I'm not serious."
"Well, pfft, there's really not much you can do."
"With the First Officer's permission, I am authorized to perform surgery that will eliminate your sex drive and eliminate the danger that you are to yourself and the crew you command."
"...you guys are trying to psych me out. Well, I call your bluff. Go ahead, let's see how far you're willing to go with your little ploy."
"Hmph."
"'Hmph' you say. What the- my pants! Well fine, it's all part of your little game- ah! What the hell Bones! You just stuck a needle between my balls!"
"Local anesthesia."
"Bullshit! Christ Bones, how far are you going to take this?!"
"I already told you."
"Bull. Shit. There is no way you would, would, would castrate me!"
"Watch me."
"No! There are laws against this kind of thing!"
"If Spock says I've got authorization, then I do."
"You can't! Christ Bones, is that a scalpel?!"
"Surgical blade."
"Bones!"
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And I think I'll stop there. I could maybe write more, but I think at this point, it's gone from crack into horror. >____>;;;;;