I'm hungry. I should have some soup.
CHAPTER SEVEN
BELLA: I am just so masochistic and love torture! Jacob actually makes me into a sane human being but fuck that noise, I would rather angst over Edward so I’m going to drive up to his abandoned house!
THE HOUSE: Aw dammit, not you again...
BELLA: WAAAAH YOU’RE NOT PRETTY ANYMORE
THE HOUSE: GTFO.
BELLA: You’re untouched and forgotten, House. JUST LIKE ME.
READERS: Oh would you just shut the fuck up already.
(later)
BELLA: Hi Jacob, aren’t you sick of me yet?
READERS: WE ARE!
JACOB: Nah, you’re a special snowflake and I’m the only age-appropriate male in this book that hasn’t humped your leg yet so we’ve got to change that. Not that the idea of leg-humping is an obvious hint or anything. Not at all.
BELLA: What?
JACOB: Nothing.
THE BIKE: *is shiny*
BELLA: Oooo.
JACOB: So are you going to ditch me once this is done?
BELLA: Damn, you called me out. Uh... no, no I won’t. Is that the right answer? Anyway you can come over to my place a couple of times a week and we can do homework together.
JACOB: Homework... is that was us kids are calling it these days? I’m so in.
(later)
SCHOOL AND WORK: *is like so much better now that Bella is less like a zombie*
MIKE: So, we should totally go on a date.
BELLA: Fucking hell, can’t I just have one guy on my ass at a time?
MIKE: I’M A NICE GUY. A NICE GUY. WHY CAN’T YOU SLUTS AND BITCHES SEE THAT.
BELLA: Fine, but just as friends, and not until next weekend because the other guy on my ass is doing homework with me on Friday.
MIKE: “Homework”!? YOU WHORE.
(later)
JACOB AND BELLA: Teehee, flirt flirt, teehee.
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: Yay!
EDWARD/BELLA SHIPPERS: I HATE THIS BOOK. THIS IS THE WORST BOOK IN THE SERIES. BREAKING DAWN IS SO MUCH BETTER.
(later)
PHONE: *rings*
BELLA: What do you want?
JACOB: Bikes are done.
BELLA: Oh thank God, I can stop pretending I’m interested in watching you do that shit.
(later)
BELLA: They’re very shiny!
JACOB: I know, I’m awesome. Let’s go to a secret place and ride for a while.
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: Yay!
THE DRIVE: *has to be “exciting” in some way*
BELLA: HOLY SHIT THAT GUY OVER THERE JUST JUMPED OFF A FUCKING CLIFF.
JACOB: Yeah, so? They’re just cliff diving, it’s not a big deal.
BELLA: Oh well in that case, I want to do it.
JACOB: The fuck? Anyway the guys jumping off the cliff right now are lame guys who show off by doing good deeds and being big and buff and such.
BELLA: Why is that bad?
JACOB: JUST BECAUSE OKAY?
BELLA: Right, sure.
JACOB: I think the leader, Sam, totally wants me to join the gang because my great-grandpa was a chief and we’re all Native Americans so that’s totally a big deal still. I’m not interested, but Embry missed a week of school and looked like hell when he came back and now he’s following Sam around like a puppy.
BELLA: Did you talk to your dad?
JACOB: Yeah he was vague about the obvious plot point.
BELLA: I WILL HUG YOU AND OFFER FOR YOU TO LIVE WITH ME.
READERS: What...?
JACOB: Score.
BELLA: It’s strange that I’m so comfortable with you, because I usually don’t like humans. That’s not an obvious plot point.
JACOB: Right, no, totally not.
BELLA: You’re so tall, tee hee.
JACOB: You’re a porcelain doll.
BELLA: I’m albino, tee hee!
THAT HORRIBLE JOKE OF HERS: *will not just fucking die*
JACOB: Well now, let’s ride bikes to distract from this awkward and somewhat stupid conversation.
END OF CHAPTER SEVEN
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: Yay!
EDWARD/BELLA SHIPPERS: :(
Back to chapter one!
BELLA: I am just so masochistic and love torture! Jacob actually makes me into a sane human being but fuck that noise, I would rather angst over Edward so I’m going to drive up to his abandoned house!
THE HOUSE: Aw dammit, not you again...
BELLA: WAAAAH YOU’RE NOT PRETTY ANYMORE
THE HOUSE: GTFO.
BELLA: You’re untouched and forgotten, House. JUST LIKE ME.
READERS: Oh would you just shut the fuck up already.
(later)
BELLA: Hi Jacob, aren’t you sick of me yet?
READERS: WE ARE!
JACOB: Nah, you’re a special snowflake and I’m the only age-appropriate male in this book that hasn’t humped your leg yet so we’ve got to change that. Not that the idea of leg-humping is an obvious hint or anything. Not at all.
BELLA: What?
JACOB: Nothing.
THE BIKE: *is shiny*
BELLA: Oooo.
JACOB: So are you going to ditch me once this is done?
BELLA: Damn, you called me out. Uh... no, no I won’t. Is that the right answer? Anyway you can come over to my place a couple of times a week and we can do homework together.
JACOB: Homework... is that was us kids are calling it these days? I’m so in.
(later)
SCHOOL AND WORK: *is like so much better now that Bella is less like a zombie*
MIKE: So, we should totally go on a date.
BELLA: Fucking hell, can’t I just have one guy on my ass at a time?
MIKE: I’M A NICE GUY. A NICE GUY. WHY CAN’T YOU SLUTS AND BITCHES SEE THAT.
BELLA: Fine, but just as friends, and not until next weekend because the other guy on my ass is doing homework with me on Friday.
MIKE: “Homework”!? YOU WHORE.
(later)
JACOB AND BELLA: Teehee, flirt flirt, teehee.
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: Yay!
EDWARD/BELLA SHIPPERS: I HATE THIS BOOK. THIS IS THE WORST BOOK IN THE SERIES. BREAKING DAWN IS SO MUCH BETTER.
(later)
PHONE: *rings*
BELLA: What do you want?
JACOB: Bikes are done.
BELLA: Oh thank God, I can stop pretending I’m interested in watching you do that shit.
(later)
BELLA: They’re very shiny!
JACOB: I know, I’m awesome. Let’s go to a secret place and ride for a while.
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: Yay!
THE DRIVE: *has to be “exciting” in some way*
BELLA: HOLY SHIT THAT GUY OVER THERE JUST JUMPED OFF A FUCKING CLIFF.
JACOB: Yeah, so? They’re just cliff diving, it’s not a big deal.
BELLA: Oh well in that case, I want to do it.
JACOB: The fuck? Anyway the guys jumping off the cliff right now are lame guys who show off by doing good deeds and being big and buff and such.
BELLA: Why is that bad?
JACOB: JUST BECAUSE OKAY?
BELLA: Right, sure.
JACOB: I think the leader, Sam, totally wants me to join the gang because my great-grandpa was a chief and we’re all Native Americans so that’s totally a big deal still. I’m not interested, but Embry missed a week of school and looked like hell when he came back and now he’s following Sam around like a puppy.
BELLA: Did you talk to your dad?
JACOB: Yeah he was vague about the obvious plot point.
BELLA: I WILL HUG YOU AND OFFER FOR YOU TO LIVE WITH ME.
READERS: What...?
JACOB: Score.
BELLA: It’s strange that I’m so comfortable with you, because I usually don’t like humans. That’s not an obvious plot point.
JACOB: Right, no, totally not.
BELLA: You’re so tall, tee hee.
JACOB: You’re a porcelain doll.
BELLA: I’m albino, tee hee!
THAT HORRIBLE JOKE OF HERS: *will not just fucking die*
JACOB: Well now, let’s ride bikes to distract from this awkward and somewhat stupid conversation.
END OF CHAPTER SEVEN
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: Yay!
EDWARD/BELLA SHIPPERS: :(
Back to chapter one!