I read to escape from things of the world, like whiny teenagers. Twilight is not this escape.
CHAPTER FIVE
MIKE: Bella, I’m tired of your face, take off of work early and go home.
BELLA: But I angst best while I’m at work. It distracts me from the pain of losing Edwa--
MIKE: God just shut up already.
BACKPACKER: I saw a giant black bear! It was HUGE.
OTHER BACKPACKER: Bullshit.
BACKPACKER: Hey Mike, it was huge, has anyone else seen how huge this plot point-- er, black bear is?
MIKE: No.
OTHER BACKPACKER: See? Bullshit.
BELLA: Fine I’m going. I’m too obsessed with Edward to care about plot points.
PLOT: YEAH. I KNOW.
BELLA: Woe is me, for I had nightmares after seeing the zombie movie! Nothing actually scary, except the blank nothingness of LIFE... it wouldn’t be like that if Edward were here. I will sit in my car now and breathe without lungs!
READERS: ... What?
BELLA: The pain of losing my high school boyfriend will never go away!
PEOPLE ACTUALLY OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL: Actually...
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: SHUT UP SHE’LL NEVER FORGET HIM THAT’S HOW BREAK-UPS WORK!
BELLA: Screw this, I’m going to go against Edward’s voice in my head and be reckless. Now what to do to get myself killed... I’m going to buy one of the not-working motorcycles at these random peoples’ house as I walk by! Because it’s so reckless.
KID AT THE DOOR: Hi, uh... what’s up?
BELLA: Sell me your bike.
KID: ... They don’t work, you know. But go ahead and take both of them, we’re not going to charge you.
BELLA: That’s okay that they don’t work, I know a kid who fixes cars, I met him in the last book. Bye!
(at home, Bella gets on the phone... for some reason her drive home and going inside and getting the phone took like two sentences, but we need about twenty to describe a kiss. Good work, Meyer. No, really.)
BELLA: Hey dad, it’s me, it’s okay to call you at work right?
CHARLIE: Well... uh... yes? ... Why?
BELLA: I need directions to go see Jacob, because Plot is insisting and it threatened me.
PLOT: *holding a knife to her back* HURRY UP BITCH.
(Bella drives, recklessly of course, up to the Blacks)
JACOB: Hey Bella, decide to come see me now that you’re single? Very telling, very telling.
JACOB FANGIRLS: OMG OMG OMG OMG SQUEEEEE
EDWARD FANGIRLS: I FEEL THREATENED.
BELLA: Jacob! I’m actually happy to see you. I’ve forgotten what happiness is since Edward left me all alone months and months ago. By the way you’re huge.
JACOB: I’m only six five, that’s nothing. I’m kind of skinny. Come inside!
BILLY: What the hel-- I mean hi Bella! Decide to come up and visit now that you’re not boinking the glittery undead?
BELLA: Uh... no, I just missed Jacob.
JACOB: YAY. Come look at the car I’m building, even though I know you probably aren’t interested.
BELLA: Okay here’s the deal, Pocahontas... I need you to fix my bikes and don’t tell anyone. Got it? Then I’ll let you have one and you can drive it.
JACOB: Awesome, I’m on it.
BELLA: Wait, are you legal?
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: HEEHEE!!
BELLA: ... to drive.
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: Aww.
JACOB: I’m sixteen, genius. Two years younger. We’ve covered this before. We should have a party since I missed your birthday too.
BELLA: It’s a date.
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: YAY!!
BELLA: I’ll spend my college fund buying the parts for the bikes, since I have no goals outside of my ex-boyfriend.
JACOB: ... Okay, sounds reasonable.
END OF CHAPTER FIVE
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: YAY!!
Back to chapter one!
MIKE: Bella, I’m tired of your face, take off of work early and go home.
BELLA: But I angst best while I’m at work. It distracts me from the pain of losing Edwa--
MIKE: God just shut up already.
BACKPACKER: I saw a giant black bear! It was HUGE.
OTHER BACKPACKER: Bullshit.
BACKPACKER: Hey Mike, it was huge, has anyone else seen how huge this plot point-- er, black bear is?
MIKE: No.
OTHER BACKPACKER: See? Bullshit.
BELLA: Fine I’m going. I’m too obsessed with Edward to care about plot points.
PLOT: YEAH. I KNOW.
BELLA: Woe is me, for I had nightmares after seeing the zombie movie! Nothing actually scary, except the blank nothingness of LIFE... it wouldn’t be like that if Edward were here. I will sit in my car now and breathe without lungs!
READERS: ... What?
BELLA: The pain of losing my high school boyfriend will never go away!
PEOPLE ACTUALLY OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL: Actually...
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: SHUT UP SHE’LL NEVER FORGET HIM THAT’S HOW BREAK-UPS WORK!
BELLA: Screw this, I’m going to go against Edward’s voice in my head and be reckless. Now what to do to get myself killed... I’m going to buy one of the not-working motorcycles at these random peoples’ house as I walk by! Because it’s so reckless.
KID AT THE DOOR: Hi, uh... what’s up?
BELLA: Sell me your bike.
KID: ... They don’t work, you know. But go ahead and take both of them, we’re not going to charge you.
BELLA: That’s okay that they don’t work, I know a kid who fixes cars, I met him in the last book. Bye!
(at home, Bella gets on the phone... for some reason her drive home and going inside and getting the phone took like two sentences, but we need about twenty to describe a kiss. Good work, Meyer. No, really.)
BELLA: Hey dad, it’s me, it’s okay to call you at work right?
CHARLIE: Well... uh... yes? ... Why?
BELLA: I need directions to go see Jacob, because Plot is insisting and it threatened me.
PLOT: *holding a knife to her back* HURRY UP BITCH.
(Bella drives, recklessly of course, up to the Blacks)
JACOB: Hey Bella, decide to come see me now that you’re single? Very telling, very telling.
JACOB FANGIRLS: OMG OMG OMG OMG SQUEEEEE
EDWARD FANGIRLS: I FEEL THREATENED.
BELLA: Jacob! I’m actually happy to see you. I’ve forgotten what happiness is since Edward left me all alone months and months ago. By the way you’re huge.
JACOB: I’m only six five, that’s nothing. I’m kind of skinny. Come inside!
BILLY: What the hel-- I mean hi Bella! Decide to come up and visit now that you’re not boinking the glittery undead?
BELLA: Uh... no, I just missed Jacob.
JACOB: YAY. Come look at the car I’m building, even though I know you probably aren’t interested.
BELLA: Okay here’s the deal, Pocahontas... I need you to fix my bikes and don’t tell anyone. Got it? Then I’ll let you have one and you can drive it.
JACOB: Awesome, I’m on it.
BELLA: Wait, are you legal?
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: HEEHEE!!
BELLA: ... to drive.
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: Aww.
JACOB: I’m sixteen, genius. Two years younger. We’ve covered this before. We should have a party since I missed your birthday too.
BELLA: It’s a date.
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: YAY!!
BELLA: I’ll spend my college fund buying the parts for the bikes, since I have no goals outside of my ex-boyfriend.
JACOB: ... Okay, sounds reasonable.
END OF CHAPTER FIVE
JACOB/BELLA SHIPPERS: YAY!!
Back to chapter one!