Remember Me!?! Chapter 31: When You're Happy...

[shinetae]

Remember Me!?!
Chapter 31: When You’re Happy
Couple: JongKey/MinKey
Genre: Drama, Triangle, Romance, Angst
Rated: PG13
Summary: He’d do anything to make Kibum happy. Regardless of the costs.
PART TWO: http://shinetae.livejournal.com/15634.html#cutid1


“Wh-what!?” Jaejoong asked quickly, pulling Kibum away from him enough to look at him with a completely surprised and confused expression, only meeting with Kibum’s tear-filled eyes.

Kibum whimpered helplessly as the words stung his throat when they came out. As the reality of what he had just said pushed its way into his mind so hard that it made it spin and his heart trembled with guilt as he realized that he had been hiding it all along.

“I…Jaejoong-hyung…I’ve already betrayed J-Jonggie, because…I’ve already fallen in love…with someone else. B-because I’ve already fallen in love with Minho-yah, even after I promised him that I would never love anyone else in this world. I’ve….betrayed my promise to Jjong…a-and…already…found myself in love with someone besides him…” Kibum sobbed desperately, his guilt and sorrow becoming too much for him to handle anymore.

Jaejoong glanced up quickly, completely shocked, as he pushed Kibum away from his chest just for long enough to look at him with big and confused eyes. He was utterly dumbstruck and could barely find his voice as he looked at Kibum’s guilty face. “Wh-what do y-you mean? You’re in love with someone else?” He asked, gathering his voice the best he possibly could at the moment.

Kibum swallowed and glanced down slowly at the ground, trying to compose himself again, but his shoulders continued trembling and the guilty tears remained in his eyes. “I-I…don’t know how, o-or when or even why…but somehow-somehow, it already happened. Somehow it’s already happened, and I’ve already done it. I’ve already betrayed him without even knowing it, and somehow, I have already fallen in love with M-Minho-yah without knowing of it either. Somewhere along the way, I had fallen in love with him, b-but I couldn’t ever let myself know it! J-Jaejoong-hyung, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore! How many other things have I betrayed without my knowing!? I love Jjong-ah-how could I betray him!?” He sobbed desperately, staring at Jaejoong with pleading eyes, as if expecting for Jaejoong to be able to tell him what he was supposed to be feeling in his heart.

Jaejoong swallowed and tried to remain as calm as he could, but couldn’t help the fact that he remained completely and utterly shocked. When he had first met-no, seen-Kibum over eight years ago, there was never anything he was more sure about than the boy’s love for his protector Jonghyun. For all the years he had known both of the younger boys, there was never a single moment where he had ever even considered doubting their honest love and feelings being solely for each other. Even when he had first seen Jonghyun again that afternoon, and he had been told that they had already broken up four years ago, there wasn’t a single moment where Jaejoong had doubted that they still loved with each other. It was just that he could never imagine them ever loving anyone other than each other. Especially Kibum. When Jonghyun told him how Kibum had followed him to Daegu in the first place, Jaejoong would have sooner believed that the sky was green than Kibum had ever had feelings for another than Jonghyun.

“H-how…? N-no, I mean….why? Do you honestly mean to tell me that you don’t love Jonghyun anymore!? What happened? I mean, whenever I saw you two, you two always looked so in love. And it’s so obvious that Jonghyun still loves you. Do you really not love him anymore!?” Jaejoong asked quickly, as he found his voice again, sounding a bit too blunt and indignant for Kibum to be able to handle and caused for him to shed tears again.

“D-don’t say it like that, Hyung!” Kibum begged quickly, as he turned into another sobbing fit of tears. “I-it’s not like that! I do love him! I do love him, I honestly do-I…I…I don’t even know myself anymore, Hyung! The worst part of everything is that I do love Jonghyun still! H-Hyung, you have to help me! I’m so confused. I’ve already fallen for Minho-yah, b-but…I just…I can’t let Jonghyunnie go. I can’t just stop loving him and let him go, e-even though I’ve suddenly realized yesterday that I’ve already fallen for Minho-yah. N-no matter how hard I try…I still find myself still wanting Jonggie with me again. L-like he used to be. Even if I do have feelings for Minho-yah. I just can’t even understand myself anymore.” He sobbed quickly, causing for a small but secret crowd to gather to listen to what they were saying (not that either of the wound-up drama-kings noticed).

Jaejoong took a deep breath as he saw how worked up Kibum was, and how helplessly he was clinging onto his jacket, so he softened the best he could, dropping a hand on Kibum’s head to comfort him. “Sh-shh. It’s…it’s okay, Key-yah. J-just…tell me more. I don’t know how to help you, if all you do is cry…shh.” He shushed calmly after a long moment, offering the younger a sip of his warm tea, but was rejected as Kibum sat up and tried to regain himself.

“H-hyung…I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way. It’s terrible, hypocritical and nothing like me. Recently…wh-when I’m around Minho-yah…I haven’t even been able bring myself to be able to stand to even consider losing the way we are now, b-because I finally get Jonghyunnie back. I wasn’t even able to even think about Jonggie wh-when I’m in Minho’s arms…..” Kibum closed his eyes tightly as he could still feel Minho’s warmth against his own body as he remembered just how perfect he had felt the night before in the pool, but also felt the guilt sting his heart as he thought of the look of obvious hurt on Jonghyun’s face as he ignored him in the cafeteria that morning. “…B-but…Jonghyun…he’s still my Jonghyun. He…when I’m with him, when he’s talking together with me like we would have used to do, when he finally lets down his guard and it’s just us-I still feel the way I would have before. When we were kids, and it was just me and him. He still makes me laugh and smile and feel that familiar comfort that I can’t feel around Minho-yah. I…just don’t understand myself anymore, Hyung. I think I still love him. I have to still love him-he means the world to me, and I do anything to have him be with me, and back into my life again, to have him be happy again-but…” He sighed heavily before looking at Jaejoong with purely vulnerable eyes. “Hyung…is it possible to be in love with two different people? A-at the same time? They both…they both mean so much to me. I need them both with me, I could never lose either of them, but I can’t just have them both…I…” He sighed heavily again and fell into Jaejoong’s hold, without any options to fall back onto, and helpless as he had ever been.

Jaejoong had too much to think over to really be able to focus on the younger boy’s needy actions, or to think of anything to reply to his words. All he could do was just to comfort the younger at the moment, as he sorted through all he thoughts he had in his head. As he sorted through all the obvious love he had seen of Jonghyun’s when he had spoken to him earlier, and all the obvious confusion in Kibum’s eyes.

“Hyung…am I a terrible person? I…can’t even stand myself anymore. Why? Why can’t I just get myself to choose one path and follow it fully? Wh-why do I have to feel this way? I hate myself, because I can’t bring myself to choose, and it’s not fair for me to stay in the middle of them like this any longer. I’m so hypocritical. I just can’t stand to think about losing one of them! I can’t stand to imagine what life would be like if I had to choose one, and leave the other behind. All my life, I thought I knew that I loved and needed Jonghyun and only Jonghyun, and when I followed him here, I guess I kind of knew that when I got him back, I wouldn’t be living with Minho-yah anymore and sleep next to him like I do now. And I thought that it was okay-but now I know it isn’t! It really isn’t! I’ve fallen in love with him, and it’s changed everything I thought I knew about myself! I still…still can’t even believe myself that I would ever even fall for anyone besides Jjongie, but…it’s real. So real. I can feel it. For sixteen years-no, more like eighteen-I had never even imagined myself with anyone other than Jonghyun. How could I just so suddenly be in love with someone else now? How could I suddenly not be in love with Jonghyun anymore? Even the thought of it-it still seems so impossible…” Kibum went on sadly, knowing how he just continued to rant on and on, but couldn’t stop, because it felt good. It felt so good. So good to finally let out all the feelings he had been stopping even himself from thinking about. Finally being able to tell someone, after so many years of keeping everything inside.

Jaejoong stayed quiet for a long time, after Kibum had finished speaking, and thought over his words for the entire time it took for the younger to calm down. Once he had found the words the best he could, and Kibum sat up slowly, rubbing his tears off of his face, he finally took a breath and answered the best that he could.

“Kibum-ah, look. I don’t really know Minho-yah, aside from the fact that he used to go to our high school years ago, and that he’s on my fiancé’s soccer team. But I know Jonghyun, and I know you. And, I know how Jonghyun still feels about you-so I am automatically going to be biased. But you are my friend, and I want to see you happy. I want you to be happy for what you really want now, not what you think or I think you should have. I don’t know everything Minho is to you, or what he’s done to make you love him so much-but the fact that you’re so upset about this, tells me that what you feel for him is serious, not just attraction. (And you can’t tell me that you’ve only ever had eyes for Jonghyun, when it comes to looking at good looking men. You remember that waiter Siwon, we met (and you set me up with) together on my graduation night. You checked him out too, don’t deny it.)” Jaejoong started, muttering the last part, hoping to make the younger smile, but it seemed to have to opposite affect (as Kibum realized how unfaithful he had always been for checking out other guys in high school).

Jaejoong softened before pushing up Kibum’s chin and looked him in the eyes. “Look, Kibum-ah. I know Jonghyun, and I know all he wants in life is you to be happy. So I don’t want to be biased, because I want you and Jonghyun both to be happy.” He said gently, as he looked in Kibum’s eyes.

“So, I’ll tell you honestly. From all you’ve told me tonight, obviously, if you didn’t have any feelings for Jonghyun left, you wouldn’t be feeling like you’ve betrayed him, stop chasing him, and just go for Minho-but you’re not. Kibum-ah, of course you’re still in love with him. Key-yah, it’s always been obvious: Jonghyun is the love of your life. You’re going to love him, and he’s going to love you, for all eternity. It can’t be helped. You were both born that way. He’s loved you from the day you were born, and you him, and you will both love each other forever. It’s set in stone-you love each other. The only question of the entire matter, is, how you are going to love him for the rest of your life. Just because he is the love of your life, doesn’t mean it has to be romantically. Not all love is romantic, you know. You love Jonghyun still. I can see it. And he loves you (it’s obvious). But what kind of love is it, honestly? Have you ever considered, the love that you feel for him-is it really romantic? The reason you came here-was it really to get him back as your lover, or just to get your best friend back into your life? When you’re with him, wanting to be with him, is it really romantically, or is it just the feeling of wanting to have that familiar comfort back next to you?” He asked honestly.

Kibum stopped completely and looked up at Jaejoong with large, confused, and yet enlightened eyes, looking helpless still, but caught by his words.

“Did you really come here to get him back as your lover, or did you just want the closure you two had never gotten to share with each other?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jaejoong’s words repeated over and over again in Kibum’s head as he walked slowly under the moonlit night, staring at the full moon’s reflection on the sidewalk. Jaejoong had offered to walk home with him, but Kibum kindly rejected after they both happened to received a text at almost the same exact time by both their respective significant others telling them that they got out of soccer practice and wondering of their whereabouts. Jaejoong, being the happy fiancé he was, was obvious of his want to go home with Yunho as quickly as he could, so Kibum gave him one more tight hug before watching as the couple walked away from the café. Minho had texted him at the same time as Yunho, but Kibum couldn’t bring himself to face him at the moment, and told him about how he and Jonghyun had discussed meeting in Jonghyun’s dorm, but honestly, he didn’t think he could face Jonghyun right then either.

“I’m tired, so if I go see him, I’m not going to be long, okay? I just need a little time to walk around and think for a while, so don’t expect me home immediately. I’ll be okay though, so go to bed and get some sleep. Don’t overuse your muscles at practice and not give them enough rest when you get home.” Kibum muttered, as he continued watching the reflection of the moon on the wet sidewalk, holding his phone to his ear.

“Oh…mn. J-just, ugh…be safe, okay, Key? Don’t be by yourself for much longer, it’s already kind of late, and it’s not good to be out by yourself in the city late at night. I’m not far and will come if you need me…but still…” Minho muttered uneasily, obviously not too thrilled with the idea of Kibum being out by himself at night, but too reserved to do anything to stop the older boy.

Kibum chuckled softly at Minho’s protectiveness, before glancing back at the phone. “Don’t worry about me, Minho-yah. I’ll be home soon. I’m too tired to do much more. I’ll come join you soon, but goodnight for now. Sleep well.” He muttered softly, as he let out a small breath, thinking of the comfort of Minho’s arms around him as he slept.

“O-oh…mnn. Be safe.” Minho muttered hesitantly after a long moment, sounding like he wanted to add something, but stopped himself from saying it.

Kibum noticed the tone in Minho’s voice, but was too tired to try to pry it out of the other boy, and only simply hummed in response. “Goodnight, Minho-yah. Bye-bye.” He said after a moment, about to remove the phone from his ear and hang up, when Minho finally made a stuttering noise to stop him, and he held it back to his ear again.

“W-wait, Key-I…love you. Please be home soon.” Minho stuttered quickly but nervously, damning himself for not being able to help the unstoppable want to say the three words to the other boy, just before he allowed for him to be out on his own at night. Minho would never allow for it to be the last time he said them, but he still needed to say them regardless.

Kibum stopped walking as he heard the soft words spoken quietly into his ear, and felt his heart shove against his chest harshly. Love, that’s what has been causing all of this heartache he’s been feeling-and yet, when he hears Minho’s deep but comforting voice saying that it is what he feels towards him, it still seems so beautiful to him.

“I love you too, Minho-yah….” Kibum said quietly into the phone, and couldn’t help but think “I love you too much….”, even as he hummed one more goodnight to Minho and slowly took his phone down from his ear. He did love Minho. Even though he told him every night when they lied in bed with each other, and every morning before departing for school (and normally, multiple times a day in the middle of the day at random times), he wondered if Minho would ever really know what kind of love he was talking about each time he said those three words gently. He wondered if when he said the same three words to Jonghyun-if the older boy knew what they meant? He himself didn’t even know what they meant.

Kibum closed his eyes tightly and tugged at his bangs with his stress as the troubling thoughts and Jaejoong’s words came back into his mind. Love, love, love. He had too much of it, and yet not enough. He needed it so much, but it was the very thing driving him insane. How could something as beautiful and wonderful as love hurt him so much? He just wished he could just drink himself full and forget everything, just for a short while.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jonghyun sighed heavily as he walked slowly back into town, glancing down at the clock on his cellphone every two or three minutes, and checking to see if he had received any new messages, but once again, found none. It was already almost eleven, and he had been waiting at the dorm with Onew all night since he had last seen Kibum, waiting to see if he was really going to go over, like he had promised before they separated again. It surely wasn’t because he wanted or was excited to see the younger boy, if that’s what you were thinking. Simply just wanted to see if he stayed true to his word.

“I shouldn’t call….I shouldn’t call you. I won’t call you. Text? No-I shouldn’t even do that. But…how could you and Jaejoong talk for so long? What’s going on? Besides…the road we normally take to the dorms is closed…I should just…just warn you to take the other way, since cabs are having to turn around…” Jonghyun argued with himself quietly, staring down at the seven digits he had already punched into his iPhone. “Dammit, screw it. I’m just going to call you. Just to see where you are so late-NO! I mean, just to warn you that the road is closed. Mn…I’m calling.” He finally reasoned, as he watched his trembling thumb fall down onto the call button, and casually (but secretly nervously) holding the phone to his ear as he passed by a few shops and stores on the streets.

“Aish…Jonghyun, realize what you’re doing by calling him. You’re not supposed to care about him, remember? Not supposed to let him know you’re always thinking and worrying about him. Damn you and your stupid needs to hear his voice every moment of every day…you’re only screwing yourself…” Jonghyun found himself thinking harshly towards himself, as he stayed still and listened to the dial-tone, and realized he was actually calling the younger.

Suddenly, however, something caught his attention. The soft and slightly muffled, but recognizable sound of a phone receiving a call sounded from one of the buildings behind him. Jonghyun stopped and glanced at his phone for a second, as he listened to the ringing on his end, and the ringing on the receiving end of the phone somewhere near him, and suddenly found them in sync.

“Kibummie?” Jonghyun asked hesitantly, after a moment, as he took the phone down from his ear and glanced over his shoulder slowly, looking up at the sign of the building behind him, where he had heard the ringing coming from. “Bummie? Are you there? What are you doing in there at eleven at night!? Are you insane?” He asked quickly, now positive that it was Kibum’s ringtone as he recognized it as the 4(or was it 3? Jonghyun never really remembered) Minute song “Muzik”, before quickly running into the bar in front of him, his protective side kicking in.

“Kibum!? Kibummie!? Are you in here? Where are you?” Jonghyun called quickly, as he pushed his way into the bar, and desperately began looking around the dark room for any sign of the younger boy. “Kibum!?” He called again louder.

“SHIT! SHIT! WHERE THE HELL IS HE!? WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE!? AUGH-” Jonghyun was thinking over and over as he ran about the entire bar, searching every single seat and person frantically, until something suddenly stopped him from his anxiety attack.

“-J-Jonggie?” A soft and rather drunk sounding, but familiar and beautiful voice, asked after a long minute, causing for Jonghyun to look up quickly.

When he looked up and his eyes immediately found the other pair of slightly swollen but soft eyes, and pink-tinted cheeks that were completely recognizable as Kibum’s, Jonghyun didn’t know exactly how to react. He felt like a mother, the first time her son did not come home at night when he was supposed to. He couldn’t figure out if he was relieved, happy, saddened, or incredibly and horribly angry for Kibum’s reckless behavior. All he could do was run over to Kibum and immediately look at the four or five glasses of Soju the younger had already managed to down.

“KIBUM!” Jonghyun half shouted, half squeaked, furiously as he looked up from the almost empty soju bottle in the younger’s hand, to the alcohol-affected pink cheeks of the beautiful younger boy. “Kibum! What the hell are you doing?” He asked quickly, exaggerating as he pulled the current cup of alcohol out of Kibum’s hands, and didn’t hesitate to dump it out into a nearby plant.

Kibum glanced up at Jonghyun slowly, sorrow still painted on his face, but he seemed to be able to drink himself enough to deal with it better than he was before, and half smiled at the familiar older boy in front of him, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand and looking at him with groggy eyes. “Jonggie…how did you find me?” He asked quietly, voice barely audible over the loud chatter of the others in the bar.

Jonghyun could only sigh as he realized that in this state, Kibum wasn’t going to be answering his question, and quickly began making himself busy gathering Kibum’s things and getting out money to pay the bar tender for the surprising amounts of alcohol the younger had consumed. “I’ll always be able to find you…now you better have a freaking good excuse as to why you’re like this, otherwise I’m going to scold you really badly when you’re sober again. I thought I raised you better.” Jonghyun growled angrily, as he placed Kibum’s things in his own pockets and tossed the money at the bar tender, then kneeled down in front of the younger boy, taking his arms in his hands and lacing them over his shoulders before pulling him up on his back.

Kibum didn’t complain as he was lifted up onto Jonghyun’s strong back, and dropped his chin against the older’s shoulder. “Hmn…you’ll always be able to find me?” He hummed quietly, as he thought over the other’s words, but it hurt his head too much, and he glanced back down at the table, looking for another glass of soju to stop his thoughts. “Nngh…you should drink with me, Jonggie.” He added after a long minute, alcohol too strong in his system to stay on topic for too long.

Jonghyun growled something under his breath as he heard Kibum’s words, but didn’t let go of him and wrapped his arms under his knees, hoisting him more onto his back. “Hmn, no, I don’t think that’d be a good idea…” He muttered quietly, more to himself, as he opened the bar door and began walking down the road again, not caring how anyone, including Tiffany, could have seen them at the moment.

Kibum chuckled at this and played with Jonghyun’s bangs as he continued to be carried. “Hehe, are you still sour because you and I both know you’ve never been able to hold your liquor?” He chuckled in Jonghyun’s ear, breath smelling between the strawberry gum he liked chewing so much, and the strong and bitter smell of soju.

Jonghyun let out something like a mix between a sigh and a quiet laugh as he heard Kibum’s words, and watched the reflections of the city lights on the wet cement as he continued to walk slowly but steadily towards the dorms. “That was once…” He muttered quietly, but it made Kibum giggle and hug his neck tighter.

“And probably the one time you’ve ever drank more than a sip. It was probably your first and only…” Kibum giggled as he remembered the first time he and Jonghyun had naughtily stolen a bottle of soju from Jonghyun’s father’s cabinet, back in high school.

“I’ve had one or two sips since then. Even if I am a little…weak…when it comes to alcohol tolerance, I wouldn’t be a big drinker anyway. Coffee’s better than alcohol. It doesn’t give you liver issues, it’s legal, and you can drink it at school or driving and not be arrested.” Jonghyun muttered, but couldn’t stop himself from laughing slightly as he thought about the first time he had Kibum had tried soju together.

Kibum giggled again and pulled on Jonghyun’s ear playfully. “Yeah, I wouldn’t like alcohol very much if I was the one who took only three sips that resulted in me accepting a dare which in turn ended up in running through my neighborhood in my underwear, throwing up three times, and having to answer to my dad the next morning, while suffering a killer hangover.” He teased cruelly, causing for Jonghyun to whimper as he remembered all the screaming, yelling, and weeks of being grounded after being caught.

“Yeah, thanks for that. I protected you and didn’t tell him you drank too, which made me have to clean the house for a week longer than I probably would have if he had known. Ahh, it’s all my fault I guess. Look what I’ve done! Unconsciously, that night I had already created a young alcoholic. I let you have a sip of my dad’s soju, and now look at you.” Jonghyun whined, as he continued to smell the bitterness of the soju in Kibum’s breath, remembering the first time it had ever smelt like that five years ago, and blaming himself for it smelling like that now.

“It’s not your fault….” Kibum muttered quietly after a long minute, as if he could read Jonghyun’s mind, and dropped his chin against Jonghyun’s shoulder, hugging him tighter and closing his heavy eyelids. “It’s my own fault. It’s all stupid me who’s at fault here. You and Minho-yah are not at blame at all….it’s all me, because I can’t even understand myself anymore…” Kibum muttered sadly, as he buried his face in Jonghyun’s jacket, trying to hide himself from something or someone he was unsure of, maybe even trying to hide himself from himself.

Jonghyun frowned as he heard Kibum’s words and could detect the self-loathing in his voice, and pulled Kibum up more onto his back to hold the younger boy closer to him. “Stop talking like that, Kibum. You’re not stupid, so don’t even say that anymore.” He said lowly, upset and even slightly angered to hear those kinds of words coming from the younger boy’s mouth.

Kibum whined quietly against Jonghyun’s shoulder and closed his eyes tighter, hugging the older boy as close to him as he possibly could do at the moment and in their current positioning. “No….I am stupid, Jonggie.   I am stupid, because I don’t even know anything about myself anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing, where I’m going, or even what I want anymore…I hate myself. I don’t even know how it could be possible for you or Minho-yah to ever want me….I’m so unless and pathetic right now. I’m pathetic and needy, and if I were to lose either one of you right now, I would just fall apart. I’m so stupid, because I don’t even know what’s going on in my own heart anymore!” He cried miserably, eyes too dry and swollen to let out anymore tears, but would have, if only he could have.

Jonghyun stopped completely as he heard Kibum’s words. So it was true-what he had thought in the back of his head all along. Kibum’s physical appearance wasn’t the only thing that was changing without him having part in it. Kibum’s heart and love was changing from when he was a kid-and he wasn’t the only one who would ever have it. Not for much longer. Jonghyun swallowed the dry lump in his throat, and felt himself tremble with Kibum’s words, as he heard Kibum talking about how stupid he was and how he hated himself. He wasn’t too sure why, but he felt himself becoming angry, as Kibum called himself pathetic over and over again.

Kibum cried miserably into Jonghyun’s jacket and fisted it tightly in his hands, before, all of a sudden, he felt Jonghyun’s grasp on his knees release, and Jonghyun drop him down harshly onto a park bench Kibum had no idea was below him. He nearly had a heart attack as he felt himself drop, but looked up at Jonghyun with big and slightly teary eyes, shocked to meet with Jonghyun’s stern and intense eyes staring at him closely.

“J-Jonggie…? Wh-what are you-” Kibum started quietly, but was interrupted by Jonghyun speaking over him, and by the older of the two securely taking his cheeks in both of his hands, kneeling next to the bench, and staring intensely into his eyes, until each other’s eyes were all either of them could see.

“Kim Kibum, you shut up and listen to me right now.” Jonghyun’s suddenly strong voice sounded sternly, as he held Kibum in place and forced the younger to look at him. “You are not stupid. And you are not pathetic. There is no way in this world that you could ever not be wanted by me-or Minho for that matter. Kim Kibum, you stop saying those kinds of words this instant. You’re my Kibum-and hearing you say that you hate yourself is worse than hearing you telling me that you hate me. You’re a beautiful and smart person, Kibum, and no matter what kind of change of heart you’re going through right now-it’ll never change that fact. So shut up. Just shut up and don’t say those kinds of things anymore. I never want to hear you say something like that about yourself again.” Jonghyun all-but-ordered sternly, forcing Kibum still.

Kibum used all means to move from Jonghyun’s enforcing grasp as he heard the older boy’s words, and he felt the eyes that had been too dry to cry any more tears up, and hot tears fall down his pink-tinted cheeks as they sank into his heart. He didn’t know what he was doing-he didn’t give himself time to think about it-but he slowly raised his hand to place onto Jonghyun’s cheek as well and slowly leaned forwards, kissing lightly but avidly over the side of Jonghyun’s mouth.

Jonghyun froze completely, breath escaping painfully out of his chest, and eyes falling closed as he trembled under Kibum’s soft lips tracing along the side of his own again after so many years of their lips being apart. His heart throbbed harshly, and it hurt to breathe, and he was left shivering under Kibum’s kisses. His heart hurt as if it had just been shattered, and yet it felt so amazing to have Kibum’s lips upon him again. His grasp on Kibum’s shoulders trembled as part of him begged himself to pull the boy’s face to where their lips met completely again, and the other part of him begged himself to yank away from the boy’s lips forever.

Jonghyun shivered one more time under Kibum’s lips as he felt his head slowly turning to meet the younger’s, allowing just one more moment of staying still before finally making up his mind on what he truly wanted to do for Kibum.

“NO!”

The sudden shout sounded and seemed as if it echoed through the entire city’s night as Jonghyun shouted loudly, and yanked himself away from Kibum as quickly as he possibly could, leaving the younger to shiver and tremble as he moved away from him.

As he managed to compose himself enough to look back up at Kibum’s surprised, but saddened eyes, Jonghyun swallowed the best he could and tried to calm himself again. He had promised himself he would never make Kibum cry again-and there were his precious crystal tears already falling from his eyes, because of him. Jonghyun let out his held breath and tried to get himself to regulate his breaths again as he slowly made his muscles move him closer to the younger boy again.

“D-don’t…” Jonghyun panted out as he reached the younger again. “D-don’t do this…n-not right now. Not as we are right now. Don’t do that to me-don’t do it to yourself. Just….just take things slow right now. You don’t have to say or do anything…just…Bummie…” He sighed heavily before taking the crying younger into his arms again, pulling the other boy close against his chest, and dropping his mouth gently against the top of his head. “…It’s alright, Kibummie. Everything’s going to be okay. I know right now…right now everything is so scary. Even…even though I know when you wake up tomorrow, after being drunk, you’ll forget everything I’m saying now….but…just trust me for now. Everything…is going to work out the way it’s supposed to be. There’s no stopping destiny. Whatever’s supposed to happen, will, right? We don’t have to do anything to change it. We don’t have to do anything tonight…” He whispered softly, as he gently nuzzled his nose gently behind Kibum’s ear, feeling the younger boy stop crying, but grasp his shirt tightly in his firsts again as they both fell silent for a long time, just holding each other closely like they hadn’t allowed each other to do for too long. For some reason, they just both seemed to be able to forget about the world around them, and only simply stayed together like that, only thinking of each other, and how they needed to have each other at that moment.

“H-how…?” Kibum finally whispered quietly, breaking the long silence that had fallen over them. “…H-how do you understand me so well, even when I don’t even understand myself anymore?” He asked against Jonghyun’s collarbone, eyes opening a little and staring over Jonghyun’s shoulder at the bright lights of the city behind them.

Jonghyun sighed softly, soft and warm breaths hitting against the side of Kibum’s neck as he continued to hold the younger boy close to him, closing his eyes for a short moment just to take in the other’s scent. “There are a lot of things in this world that I am stupid and have no knowledge of. Like the entire concept of science, how apparently too much caffeine is bad for you, and how to properly love and be loved…but there is one thing I’m still able to understand…and that’s you. It’s a special thing, I still believe, to be able to understand someone as complex as you. And I can only set the cause of it as the fact that I’ve been with you from the very day you were born. From the moment that I was first taken into the hospital room to see you when you were just newly born, I’ve had this connection with you, and I think, despite my stupidness lately…I still have it. I’ve grown up with you, Kibummie, through all your awkward stages and all your insecurities. I can tell when you feel stuck or trapped. I can tell when you feel like you’re forced to do something…and I don’t want you to feel that way right now. I want you to be able to think everything out completely and do exactly what it is that you want, without feeling pressured to do something in an instant. I don’t want you to have any regrets…” He whispered gently. “So…just stay still. Stay here. Don’t do anything tonight. Just let everything be as it is for now. Until you can truly decide what will bring you happiness…just stay still in my arms…” He added quietly, not really thinking of what he was saying, just saying what he felt at the moment.

Kibum swallowed the dry lump in his throat as he heard Jonghyun’s words, before burying his face into Jonghyun’s jacket, holding him as tightly as he possibly could against him, as if he were trying to make it until they could never be separated again.

“Jonghyunnie….I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please…just stay in my life…even…Jonggie-I love you. I love you so much. Please don’t leave me again. I need you in my life still. I always have, since the day I was born, and without you-I barely feel like I’m living.” Kibum sobbed quietly against Jonghyun’s collarbones, too wound up and drunk to explain why he was apologizing over and over again.

Jonghyun sighed softly, before pulling out of Kibum’s grasp just enough to turn and try to help the younger onto his back again. “Shh…don’t cry anymore, Kibummie. I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I’ll never leave you again, okay? You don’t have to worry about that anymore. I’m done running. I’m not leaving you again.” He promised quietly, as he coaxed the crying younger back onto his back. “Shh…c’mon, let’s go home now. It’s getting late. Let’s just go home and get some sleep. Don’t worry about anything else tonight.” He said softly, as he pulled Kibum up, looping his arms under Kibum’s thighs to make sure the younger stayed on securely.

Kibum sighed lightly against Jonghyun’s shoulder as he allowed the words to soothe him. “Jonggie…” Kibum whispered quietly. “…it’s just like when I used to have nightmares when we were kids. Your voice sounds exactly the same to me. It’s-you’ve-always made me stop crying. Just like superman….” He swallowed heavily before wrapping his arms around the width of Jonghyun’s shoulders and closed his eyes tightly. “…I’m sorry, Superman…” He muttered sleepily, after a long minute.

Jonghyun struggled to swallow the lump in his throat as he heard Kibum’s words and already knew what he kept apologizing for.

~~~~~

Jonghyun thanked the stars that Onew was already asleep when he snuck back into his dorm, carrying a drunk and sleeping Kibum on his back, and laid him down gently on his own bed, forcing the younger boy awake just for long enough for him to take a sip of water, knowing that sooner or later the alcohol was going to take effect on his stomach.

“If you were sober,” Jonghyun started quietly, as he took the glass away from Kibum and the younger slipped easily back into sleep against his pillow. “I would scold you so badly for drinking like this. I realize that now, you’re of age, but to me, you’re still fifteen years old and shouldn’t be drinking. Psh, you’re such a bad kid, Kibummie…” He sighed softly as he lied down next to the younger for just a moment, supporting himself on one arm as he used a warm, damp cloth to wipe the alcohol-pink tinted cheeks of the sleeping boy next to him.

“Why’d you go and drink yourself so senseless, Bummie? I thought that meeting with Jaejoong-hyung was going to make you happy again. Hghn, Bummie, it hurts me so much to see you in so much pain. Did…I cause this?” Jonghyun whispered quietly, running his fingers gently down a tear-stained trail on the younger’s face. “I’m sorry, Bummie. I’m really sorry. I only want you to be happy-it’s all I’ve ever wanted. And I’m still willing to do whatever it takes for you to finally truly be happy. Even…even if giving up on you kills me….your happiness is what I truly want…so I’ll try. Don’t hold back because of me, Kibummie. I already know. I already know the truth, so just do what it takes for you to be happy. I know what you honestly want. You don’t need to say a word for me to know. I’ve known since….” He cut himself off as Kibum slowly in his sleep, resting his head against his bicep, wrapping his arms tightly around him.

“M-Mi…Minho-yah…” Kibum muttered quietly in his sleep, smiling lightly in his dream, holding onto an arm he was sure was not Jonghyun’s.

Jonghyun froze where he was felt, feeling as if his heart had just been jabbed with the sharpest knife, but said no words and moved not an inch. “…I’ve known since the very first moment I saw him here with you….” He thought numbly, as he looked at the peaceful expression on Kibum’s face. “…that….you’re in love with him, aren’t you….Kibummie?” He whispered quietly, trying not to wake the other sleeping figures in the room, as the tears that came to his eyes choked him.

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