SHINee Duets 2011: mumuja & luv4yen (Part IV)

[replaymods]

Part 3a

Oh my!! It’s truly a blessing to hear from my Key! You know that boy sometimes tends to forget about his only family.

“I know what you mean Mrs. Kim, and let me tell you that your nephew is doing very well in his treatment. I might dare and say perfect.” He smiles even though the woman at the other line clearly isn’t able to see it. There’s something about Kim Nicole that simply appeals to him, like she’s the kind of person you easily fall in love with. His fingers ache as he flips page after page, having spent all morning reading paragraphs and skimming through texts that sometimes lead him to those answers he’s been searching for just to be thrown into a whole new direction, an annoying dead end.

Really? It makes me really happy to know that he’s doing so well back in Seoul. I was actually afraid for him you know? Because of his trauma and all.

He likes where the conversation is heading to, pushing the now useless book to the side and letting another as equally thick occupy its place. “Yes, and now that you mention it I would love it if you’d give me more details about that trauma of his? As his doctor, it’s very important for me to know about my patients’ past to evaluate more thoroughly their condition.”

The library’s reception wasn’t so good, as it was making his voice cut at some points. Half of his mind was focused on the conversation he’s intently having with Key’s only relative, and another part is entirely enhanced by the topics he’s currently submerging himself into. There’s no doubt in his mind that Key and Kibum are twins, all the coincidences pointing out to the only possibility that inquires the fact of said males having been separated since birth. It makes so much logic now that he can’t help but smile, knowing he’s not crazy and that Key is not crazy either.

Of course Dr. Lee!! If it’s in Key’s behalf I’m willing to share all I know. Where should I begin?

“Mmm why don’t you start telling me about Key’s childhood?”

Finally he finds what he’s been searching for, eyes sparkling in pure happiness as he skims through the article in seconds. The theory of twins having the capacity to mentally communicate and show empathy towards each other has become somewhat of a taboo throughout the years. Twins all around the world had claimed to feel the pain their twin goes through, the emotions they experience, and more so, the possibility of having established a telepathic mean of communication during their days inside their progenitor’s womb is a topic very well known in the medicine and psychology realm.

He clicks his tongue a few times, observing a few patters he had witnessed in Key himself. Could it be possible to be tied to your twin even in death? There were a few reported cases in the last decade, and as he reads about those cases, he hears Mrs. Kim’s intake of breath, like there’s something big and heavy resting on her shoulders.

Oh… well, actually I found out I even had a nephew just three years ago, in the mist of Key’s accident. My relationship with my brother has never been good in the first place… I would’ve adopted him in a heartbeat if I had known on time.

“I thought you two knew each other since his childhood days? Did he contact you or something?”

That was hardly the case Dr. Lee, as Key was in a coma at that time. Apparently, even though my brother failed to let me know about the existence of my only nephew, he didn’t hesitate to give Key’s legal guardianship to me… and the shitty child services neglected that, thinking I was just as stupid as my abandoning brother.

He stayed quiet, giving the woman time to keep up with her story as his brain tried to assimilate what he had just heard. It was truly a coincidence that only after Kibum died three years ago, his twin Key found out about their long lost relative. Something like anger and pity washed over him then, as it was clearly unfair that his love had to go practically through hell in the wing of the child services while Key now had the family they both had wanted since day one. He finds it a little ironic too how both twins got into an accident the same year, call it weird twin connection, but it was truly fascinating. He wondered then if Kibum ever dreamt about his other half, experienced what the other was going through… it made him curious.

I clearly remember receiving a call from the Seoul police station asking about me. My poor baby didn’t have any family left, just myself, and the legal database showed me as his guardian so they authorities didn’t fail to call me in regards of Key’s critical state.

“I’m actually curious about this accident Mrs. Kim. What happened?” People were slowly piling by the library’s exit, all eager to forget the moments spent studying and reading with a good lunch. The clock stroked twelve, a small bell ringing through the now desolated establishment. He caught the librarian at the first floor giving him weary looks from afar, probably not liking the way he had his cell phone in a hand free mode, speaking up loud and clear for the woman in the other line to catch his responses.

A heavy sigh left his lips as he watched the prudish woman finally leaving for her lunch break, burning him with her eyes as her back disappeared in the staff only room. He felt dirty, craving for a bath and for food, but he knew that this right now was probably the most important thing in his life at the moment, and he owed the truth to himself and to Kibum. He knows Kibum would’ve liked to know if he truly was an orphanage like he thought, and now being able to finally determine that in fact Key was the long lost twin of his lover brought a smile to his lips.

Well, to be honest, no one knows what happened to Key. Two women found him by the river barely breathing, just lying by the shore shirtless and unconscious. Doctors determined that by the concussion in his head and the cuts all over his body he must’ve been dragged by strong current while swimming, resulting in his head wound and all.

Intrigued by Key’s past, Jinki pushed the useless books to the side, feeling headache coming up as he couldn’t find that something that was gonna conclude his theories about the twins. There was just this feeling in the back of his head that just told him that something was not right, that there was missing a key point in all of this.

They found Key with just his jeans and a sneaker, nothing else. He spent weeks in a coma without police officers being able to identify who he was. Finally, after a month of not knowing who that cute boy in the UCI was, they took a picture and ran it in their database, stumbling with my name and… well, you know the rest.

The high pitched laughter reached his ears, sweet and whispery. It reminded him of Kibum’s laughter, the way it’d reach his ears and penetrate every inch of his body. He smiled at the memory, lips twitching before pulling his lips to their previous state.

When I arrived to Seoul two days later… I couldn’t help the incredible grief that watched over me. There, incubated and shallowly breathing was the only family I had left. The doctor treating him at the moment was uncertain as to when the boy was gonna wake up. He said the trauma was a severe one, and that it was pretty much undetermined to say how much it had affected Key.

After three months of staying in that coma he woke up. God, he woke up and he just looked at me with his pretty eyes and smiled. He smiled sweetly as if he was greeting an old friend. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry right then, and I just gripped his hand and promised God I was never gonna leave that boy alone ever again. He has me now.

He felt a little touched by the unconditional love melting in Mrs. Kim’s words. She loved Key, that much he could tell, but surprisingly he didn’t feel bad for Kibum not being able to share that love as well. Kibum had that love, that kind of unconditional love that’s present at every waking moment with no room to breathe. He made sure the younger one had everything he could possibly want, he gave him love, and it made him happy to know that in that aspect he didn’t have any regrets, cause he gave the world to him. He gave himself and all he had.

“And after he woke up, did he remember anything about the accident?” Standing up, he quietly made his way towards the psychology section once again, frowning as he searched for more information about twins and their mysteries. His thick fingers brushed softly the hard dusty covers, eyes traveling the endless rows of books and he slipped his phone in his sweatpants’ pocket.

The doctor said it was normal for him to forget about the accident. He was diagnosed with severe retrograde amnesia, not being able to remember anything about his past life. The only thing he knew was his name curiously, so the doctors just let him keep the name he furiously affirmed was his and discharged him a week later. We decided it would be good for him if he came to live with me to America, as there weren’t any records in the database of him being married, and the only addressed that appeared was long discontinued.

He knew it was time to ask then. It was the right time to ask the question that has been burning in his tongue for past few hours. With sweaty fingers, he softly threaded the soft locks brushing against his eyes, trying to swallow the painful lump in his throat.

“Mrs. Kim, I know this might be a little bit intrusive from my part, but… is Key a twin?”

There was a defined silence, making the atmosphere in the desolated library eerie and tensed. He could literally feel the blood pumping from his heart to his veins, and as he took quick breaths trying to calm his accelerated heart, he could almost hear a ringing buzzing in his ears. Without notice, his hand knocked a book to the floor, pages flipping messily before settling in a determined chapter.

Mmm not that I know of Mr. Lee, no… Why do you ask?

It wasn’t the answer he was looking for, but it wasn’t a definite no to his theory. He quickly bent, mindlessly taking a look at the book he had knocked with his clumsy hands. It read Dissociative Identity Disorder and paying no attention to it, he quickly proceeds to close it and return it to its former shelf.

“Oh nothing in particular, it’s just that I knew someone that looked a lot like Key a long time ago, but his name was Kibum, so I thought maybe they were twins or something.”

The nonchalant tone of his voice tears a pleasant laughter from the woman on the other line, and as it reaches his ears once again he can’t help but smile back as he cradles the book in his arms and waits for an answer, eyes once again scanning the rows of texts that never seem to end.

Really? Maybe you met Key back then and you didn’t even know! What a small world right?

He frowns, not understanding what the other one was talking about. How could he had met Key if the woman is certain that his twin theory is wrong. “I don’t understand Mrs. Kim, why do you think I might have met Key back then? It was probably eight years ago.”

Oh, yeah I forgot to tell you I guess. When Key woke up from his comma and was asked about his name, he told the doctors he was Kim Key, even though his database showed he was Kim Kibum. I thought it would be right if he knew that his name was Kibum rather than Key, but doctors said it was better for him to start a fresh new life and changing his name wasn’t such a bad idea.

Maybe you met Key when he was Kibum? Wouldn’t it be incredible?

“So… you’re telling me that Key before his accident was Kibum? ... h-he is Kibum?”

Yes. He doesn’t know that though… he doesn’t even know he has a retrograde amnesia either. But since those horrible dreams started three years ago, I feel like maybe his memories are slowly coming back…

The air gets harder to breathe then, his lungs tightening and restricting the air to flow. Feeling his tongue like liquorish he bids the woman a stuttered goodbye, promising to call her next time about Key’s progression. As the call ends and the dead line meets his eats, he finds himself crashing to the ground, legs bended painfully under his weight as his eyes fill hurriedly with tears.

They were not twins. They were the same person. Clenching his eyes shut, he pounds his fists in the carpeted floor, flinching as his hand meets the book that for the second time that day he knocked down to his feet. With blurry eyes he stares at the thick black cover of the encyclopedia, feeling the meaning of his world being sucked out. Kibum had retrograde amnesia? It just seemed too surreal, too impossible. He was dead, he had to be dead, because he had mourned the younger one like hell, he had contemplated killing himself to be reunited with him, cause he can’t simply live in a world the other one doesn’t exist in anymore, and now he’s face to face with the reality of him being alive. And it hits him then, colliding solidly against him and taking his breath away.

Kibum is alive, meat and bones. He bits his lips, thoughts racing a mile per hour all circling in the idea of running to the other one’s arms and never letting him go. But even in his state of euphoria he knows something is definitely wrong, something simply doesn’t click with all of this impossibility that is now lying limply in his fingers. If Kibum really suffered a retrograde amnesia he would’ve still maintained his distinctive personality. He would have obviously forgotten all about him and their times spent together, but he would be that same gorgeous human being he had fallen in love with. He would still be witty, brutally honest with that motherly vibe that surrounded him 24/7. He would still be that sparkling diva that could easily blush to the mushiest comment, and he would still remain forever carefree and self conscious.

But all Key was didn’t even reach an ounce of the other one’s personality treats. Key was a shy, self conscious and clearly unstable twenty three year old that had a hard time making decisions on his own. Where could he possibly find Kibum in there? Where was the wittiness, his sexual appeal that swirled around him all the time, his sharp stares?

In the mist of all this illogic reality he couldn’t help but stare more intently at the book that lay beside him forgotten. There was something about that book that pulled him in, and in no time he found himself skimming through it, reading about personality disorders and dissociative traumas. Nothing really appealed to him, and boringly flipping through the last pages, he found what he had been looking for, what he had lost hope in finding. Finally, he found the answer to the mess.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)
A severe condition in which two or more distinct identities, or personality states, are present in -- and alternately take control of -- an individual.

Is a condition in which a person has two or more distinct identity or personality states, which may alternate within the individual's conscious awareness. The different personality states usually have distinct names, identities, temperament, and self-image. At least two of these personalities repeatedly assert themselves to control the affected person's behavior and consciousness; causing long lapses in memory that far exceed typical episodes of forgetting.

------------------------

“What do you mean? I-I-- did I do something wrong?? Doctor Lee you know I’m-“

“You didn’t do anything wrong Key, there’s just no point in treating you if you don’t even have an addiction in the first place.”

“B-but, you said…” It was a cold December morning, with snow hanging lifelessly from the scrawny braches, threatening to fall and mesh with the blackness underneath. He knew it was a little unprofessional to meet a patient at a public place such as this, with waiters running around while taking orders from the freezing clients dying to get a cup of steamy hot coffee. He took a look at his own, warm black liquid scorching to the touch. It was a nice place, he thought to his own, finding the small coffee shop the perfect place to break the news to his unsuspected former patient.

“I’m sorry Key, after reading your personal history and all I was a hundred percent certain that you suffered from an addiction, but I wasn’t thorough enough and I mistreated you for the wrong disease.” He saw the train of emotions pooling in the soft brown eyes, confusion and anxiousness sparkling in his creamy orbs. Despite the circumstances he was currently in, Jinki found himself calmly collected, sipping his beverage with a still patience.

It’s been a week now, since that faithful morning at the public library. He took a week away from work, away from his family and from the world. He just couldn’t force his body to keep up when his mind was solely broken. He had lost it that day at the library, running away from those books and those texts that reminded him over and over again the ugly truth that was life. Wandering aimlessly through the streets, he tried to find logic to this world, trying to find desperately just where exactly he had done wrong to receive such horrible fate.

He found none though, unable to pin point where exactly he had messed with his fate. And as he stumbled awkwardly through that desolated playground at noon, with the coldness seeping through the clothes he had on that morning, his body reeking and screaming for a bath, he started finally thinking rationally.

Through that week disconnected from anything that tied him to society, he found himself in his thoughts. He found what he had to do despite all the reasons he had to for not doing it. Key was Kibum, Key was that fiancé he thought he had lost a long time ago, and Key was still that stranger that he couldn’t bring himself to love. Key’s doctors had been horrendously wrong while diagnosing the younger one, as he rather than suffering from memory lost, was dealing with a personality disorder triggered by the trauma he went through with the accident. Part of Kibum’s personality split, resulting on a part of him entirely independent and unknown to flutter and take over his body.

Key was an extension of Kibum’s personality, that part that the other one rarely had shown him throughout the years of knowing each other. Kibum was a strong person, independent, carefree and extremely thoughtful. But now he could remember those poignant moments where he would show his vulnerability, his self consciousness and his extreme need to be understood and appreciated. Those small treats of Kibum’s personality rose to the surface with his accident, becoming somewhat of an identity with a mind of its own, pushing the rest of Kibum’s personality to the darkest corner of their mind.

It was weird to think of Key and Kibum as two completely different individuals that together formed a whole. But now it was as obvious as days, almost making him feel stupid for not even realizing sooner.

“The wrong disease? That means I still have a problem?” His eyes lifelessly stared at the younger one across from him, trying to gauge the expressions morphing in Key’s face. He could see fear in there, so present and unavoidable. Minutes later he found himself nodding, wondering how to slowly tell the boy that he wasn’t a person but an alter ego of another human being. He thought about it thoroughly this time.

“Yes. I believe you have a dissociative identity disorder. It’s a very uncommon condition that affects a minority of the people having suffered from a severe trauma.”

And a undecipherable silence fell over them after the words came out, lifting into the air with the small puffs of steam circulating around them. He tried not to look into the younger one’s eyes but that was asking for the impossible, letting himself be sucked in into those depths that spoke words of love, words he couldn’t reciprocate. Key had an unreadable expression over his face, emotions flickering back and forth, and for a moment he thought he saw recognition in there but it had already vanished before he could properly take a second look.

“Dissociative identity disorder… I don’t know what that is.” He quietly nodded in understatement, fat lips parting to explain the complicated medical terms that simply summed up to him being no more than a speck of dirt in a dried out dessert, “Can you treat it though?”

It made him pause, the sincerity and the force of the conviction imprinted in said words. He saw fire in his eyes, pure determination, and for a moment he thought he saw Kibum reflected in the other one’s eyes, but as an illusion it vanished like the wind. Once again he found himself falling into that familiar abysm, trying to fight what he knew was inevitable. He thought the other one would be upset for having his doctor treat him for the wrong disease, but Key was complete oblivious to that, not even caring he was already advancing through the sixth step of his addiction therapy. A crazy thought suddenly ran through his head, making him smile to himself. Maybe all along he had been the one going through those seven steps, side by side with Key in the journey of overcoming their own addiction - Key being supposedly addicted to drawing and him being invisibly addicted to something he had already lost.

“No Key, I can’t treat you. There’s a cure, but I can treat you.” It hurt, the amount of self-restrain he had to use in order to stop his heart from screaming what he truly wanted to say. Snow fell like rain from the grayish sky, landing fluffily in the silk like soil to be soon melted by the restless movements of the world.

“W-why… You were treating me just fine when you thought I had an addiction, why can’t you treat me for this- this thing!?” His eyes lowered softly, staring the polished surface of the table. Feeling hopeless he let his guard down, shoulders slumped with the unnerving desire to throw it all to hell and bring his once dead fiancé back.

“Because treating you means killing you.”

The words rolled from his tongue effortlessly, brushing past his teeth and moistening his dry lips. He let the words sink in, fisting his gloved hands over thighs to restrain himself from doing something he’ll regret later on. It was that simple truth that took him almost a week to realize. He spent the last few days crazy with the idea of getting Kibum back, of treating Key and letting the dominant part of Kibum’s personality take over and swallow that weak alter ego. But just watching the other one made that thought wither and die. Cause he couldn’t kill Key, he couldn’t willingly ebb his presence away even if it meant that Kibum would be forever dormant in the darkest corners of his mind.

He loved Key too much to even consider that possibility. That thought solely angered him, cause he promised Kibum he would protect him from every harm… and Key was killing him.

“Doctor Lee… I can’t believe you. This is just too much! I mean, just last week I was a patient diagnosed with an addiction and now I have this weird disorder that can be treated in fear of killing me? How can you be so sure about me having this disease anyways…”?

He smiled then, even though pained, and pretended his heart wasn’t breaking as he was letting the only possibility of having his happiness back slip from his fingers by his own will. It was time now… to let this thing go.

“I’m gonna tell you something about me Key. Are you willing to listen?” Seeing the other one’s eager response, he promptly resumed into telling his story.

“I was engaged a few years ago, to the most gorgeous and perfect human being. We met in high school. I was a nerd coming from a well off family, and he was a popular art prodigy coming from an orphanage.” He thought he saw a flicker in Key’s eyes, like something clicked inside his mind for a moment, but decided to pay no mind and continue.

“We fell in love, went through college and fell even deeper in love. He fell for my smiles, I feel for his, and after four years of dating I proposed to him. He was just everything to me, he was my all, and as always, life throws us hardships that sometimes are just too big for us to endure. He had an accident, while he was driving home from an art exhibition. Police officers never found his body, but all the people that were implicated in that accident died, so it was just obvious to take him as dead as well.”

“I-I’m terribly sorry Doctor Lee… I didn’t know you had gone through such a painful past…” Shaking his head, he softly took the other one’s cold hand in his - fingertips brushing ever so gentle over the tender exposed flesh. Key jumped in surprised, gasping as the sturdy hand enveloped his in a pleasant warmness.

“Don’t feel sorry, even though I lost the one I loved so tragically, I just found out that he’s actually alive… not in the way I would’ve expected, but alive nevertheless.” Those soft vibrant eyes illuminated themselves beautifully, eagerly asking him where this lucky prospect was. He wondered then if he should spill it out and tell him how he was his dead fiancé’s alter ego, and for a second he weighed against it, but soon he realized Key deserved to know the truth, he truly deserved to know why he felt a presence wanting to take over his every night.

“He’s here actually. The softness of his skin never fading even after all this years.” Gently brushing his thumb against the flushed flesh, he quickly retracted his hands from the other one’s trembling one, gauging Key’s response to the final truth. In seconds his eyes were pooling with tears, alarming him as the twenty three year old remained muted in his spot. Did he make a mistake? He feared so as he watched intently those eyes and the way they brimmed with unshed tears.

“Why are you crying?” White teeth pierced the pink flesh beneath, a shaky hand catching the tears rolling over a pair of rosy cheeks, and as Jinki waited for a response, he gave in to his instincts and rushed to the other one’s side to quietly wipe the tears from his eyes. In those moments, he was officially no longer Kim Key’s doctor; he was just Lee Jinki comforting someone dearly to his heart.

“I don’t know… I’m just extremely sad and happy at the same time… it’s quite overwhelming.” He laughed, his hands cupping the beautiful angel like face that was staring at him with such emotion he couldn’t help but lean forward and catch his lips in his own.

It was a whole new different feeling. That night Key slept over and played with his self control, it felt like he was kissing Kibum, touching his silk like skin and reviving that passion once lost. But now, as he was kissing Key cautiously, afraid to even utter as much as a sound, he knew he was kissing Key, the only feeling circling his heart being one of utter care and understatement. It was over too quickly, both parting slowly with the need of filling their lungs with air.

The kiss wasn’t something that came up in the act of love, as it was more of a silent agreement between them.

“I’m Kibum then.”

“You’re Kibum.” He proceeded to explain all the events that lead up to this point, from the moment he woke up from his coma, the wrong diagnose his doctors offered and his aunt believed, the crazy nightmares and his violent spurs of need for painting. He held his hand through it all, squeezing it softly whenever he saw the other one flinching.

He explained Key clearly that all those nightmares he used to have were actually memories he had when he was Kibum, reviving over and over again the last moments he spent with his identity unified. He explained how Kibum was an art prodigy, and his addiction to drawing was the only way Kibum could manifest itself. As he continued to explain all the little details that brought him to this diagnose, Jinki felt himself getting more and more convinced that in fact this person just standing within reach was once his Kibum. The need to throw it all to hell and bring him back kept rolling over him like waves, knowing that deep down Kibum was waiting to be reawaken, to take his former part as the dominant personality in that body, but it wasn’t just right. As silly as it sounded, it was Key’s turn now to live, to experience life and who was he to take that from him?

“It seems quite impossible… but completely logic at the same time… I don’t know what to feel right now.” Helplessly he watched the younger one cradling his face in his hands, shaking his hand softly as in trying to shake some bad feeling from his gut.

“I know…and I’m terribly sorry for making you go through this… it still seems a little impossible to me too, but once you think about it, it’s completely logical.” Resting his back against the cushioned seat, he proceeded to count the snowflakes falling down the window, watching them twist and melt in the icy air. People often say that what doesn’t kill you just makes you stronger… this surely wasn’t gonna kill him, but it made him feel utterly helpless, torn between the desperate idea of wanting to bring his lover back and letting this entirely independent human being live the life he had now in his will.

“You know… it might sound completely out of place… but I’m glad that I’m not suffering from an addiction. I’m happy that I was right in the end, when I told you and Jonghyun that drawing wasn’t really an addiction, as it didn’t feel like one. It-it really makes me happy to know that there really is a presence inside me. I’m not crazy after all.”

A small laughter broke from the other one’s lips, his own lips cracking into a broken smile. In the end Key had been right. There was a presence inside him that wanted to take over, he had a need to draw that wasn’t necessarily an addiction, and he remembered things that were actually memories of a past he failed to have acknowledge. He had been right all along, just under his nose, and it made him angry to know he wasn’t thorough enough to see all these simple little details that stacked one after another just to form that rare disease.

“What am I gonna do now?” That was a question he asked to himself over the week he spent absent, staring blankly at his creamy bare ceiling as if the answer would simply fall from heavens. And it did fall, but not the way he suspected as he was reaching over his closet in search of those pictures he had stored to be left forgotten at the back of his closet. Colliding with his head, he found himself staring at all those pictures of Kibum smiling at him from afar. He quietly realized in those moments as tears softly accumulated in his eyelashes that he had to keep doing what Kibum did till the very end, what he had been doing since he died. He had to live life.

“You’re gonna do what we have been doing for the past few years.”

“And what is that?”

“To live.” Smiling, Key softly nodded in agreement, probably wondering how he was gonna be able to live knowing that he was the incomplete part of something that would never be whole again.

“Since I woke up from that coma close to four years ago… I felt like I wasn’t the same, as odd as it might sound. I was never able to feel comfortable under my own skin, like if I had borrowed this body and my time was running short. I can’t help but feel like I’m an intruder in Kibum’s life… stealing everything that’s rightfully his.”

“That’s not true… it’s your time to live now. You are you.”

“Thank you… I’m content that even though me and the other part of this being are completely independent from each other, we both unite for the same feeling.”

“And what is that?”

“We both become one when loving you.”

“But you know -“

Key smiled gracefully. He tilted his head and nodded in understanding. “You love Kibum, not Key.”

He had to smile then, to not show just how much his lips were trembling. It was three o’ clock in the afternoon, the coffee shop busy with clients piling by the doorway. The day was slowly coming to an end, Christmas just around the corner, and as the last remains of his coffee were left untouched, he found himself staring at the now passive male in front of him. There was this new peace surrounding the younger one, a peace that radiated and orbed around him. Maybe he could finally find that sense of belonging he had been seeking for. He knew that letting him go would be like saying goodbye to Kibum all over again, but like he did many times before, he convinced himself it was just the right thing to do… maybe not what he wanted to do, but surely what he had to.

“I’m gonna go now.” Nodding in agreement, he silently watched the way the twenty three year old slip his coat on, cheeks flushed from the freezing atmosphere as a scarf quickly hid his face from the biting coldness that waited outside.

“Take care Key. Be happy.” Stilling his movements, Key smiled, dimples shaping on his cheeks as he nodded in appreciation. It was obviously the end now, with the way the other one was clearly determined to leave and never show up in his life again.

He’d have to return to his life now. To his patients waiting for him to treat them. Taemin would be waiting for him to show off all the progress he had made, waiting to be eagerly congratulated. Jonghyun would be as loud and hyperactive as ever, forever the cry baby in the inside just wanting to be loved. And Minho would the silent one, waiting patiently for the moment to voice all those feeling he had in his heart out, finding the courage to love once again.

Everything would return to the way they used to, and Key would be forever a lovely memory in his mind. He sighed then, feeling his heart crumpling while watching the back of that young male walking away from him and out of his life. He was forced to move on once again, to cope with a lost once again. Time will be the only healer to his wounds, and death would be the only peace he’ll ever find. But he had to live first, to honor what Kibum loved the most.

“Thank you doctor Lee… I’m finally at peace with myself.” He saw the way Key looked at him sideways, smiling softly before continuing his journey out of his life.

Turning once again towards the window, he was left wondering what he was gonna do now. He was gonna go back to his patients obviously, and he was gonna live the life he had been living before Key came running into his life. But was that all life had in store for him? Fate took everything away from him, two times in a row, and all he had to look forward to was to live a life lacking happiness and something to look for every morning. In the mist of his thoughts he caught the way that silver ring sparkled in the bright light the snow reflected from the window. After deciding that letting Key go was the only decision he had the right to make, he marched straight to his closet cabinet and fetched that once forgotten ring that had meant a compromise of true love.

Fingers brushed tentatively the metal, smiling at the little script engraved at the side. Life would go on, Key would find someone to love, his own Onew as Kibum had caringly named him after squishing his cheeks the night he declared disastrously his undying love for him - My stupid piece of tofu, he said enamored, hiding the nickname from the world. He swore in those moments he saw Kibum’s face shaping in the clouds, smiling at him as the wind evaporated him like dust. Goodbye baby he said silently, his hand slowly gripping his chest to restrain his heart from breaking into pieces on that polished wooden tabl--

“Onew?” The world stopped, blood flowed, and pupils dilated as he whipped his head in the direction of that voice that had that familiar tone that curled his toes just right.

“Y-you’re back…. welcome back.”

The love that keeps us together is that which grows between us as a result of our
struggles together through the challenges of life