SHINee Duets 2011: dorawa & folkin_up_again
Title: Minjung
Authors: Dorawa & folkin_up_again
Pairing: Taemin/Minjung (Girl!Minho), side Onew/Jonghyun
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 5,437
Warnings: Het, Girl!Minho
Authors’ Notes: Inspired by this and this. First part written by dorawa, second part by folkin_up_again.
Every day was the same.
Every minute, hour, day, whatever it was, it was all the same to him. People passing him by, too immersed in their own worthless lives to pay attention to him. People talking and laughing, whether with friends or on their phones, barely making it across the street before cars sped off into the distance. And then there were people who were just like him - eyes downcast on the road, walking alone with hands shoved in their pockets, weaving in and out of the crowds, lost, lonely.
It was a sad world. A cruel world, one that he didn’t care to be a part of. It was a boring life and the only thing that got him by was watching everyone else be as miserable as he was.
School was the same. He sat by himself in the back of the room, uniform messed up and wrinkly as he dozed off somewhere in between the Chosun dynasty and King Sejong.
When breaks would come, he would overhear all his classmates talking about going out drinking, going to noraebang, going to the clubs to pick up girls, but he didn’t care. He would tune it out by turning his music up louder.
He hadn’t been asked to go out in over 5 years. His classmates knew better than that anyways. After he had ripped up some girl’s invitation to her 13th birthday party right in front of her face, they had stopped asking. He didn’t want to go to a stupid birthday party and mingle and play games with people he didn’t even like.
He was fine on his own. He decided that after a while. He truly was fine with just himself and his music. That was all he needed in life.
“Taemin. Taemin. The teacher is going to kick you out if you don’t wake up.”
It was cute how his classmates still cared enough to try and wake him up, but it never worked. And as if on cue, he was kicked out of the classroom for sleeping through yet another lecture. He had enough of King Sejong anyways.
He didn’t care to wait around for his punishment, wandering out with his backpack slung over his shoulder to wherever he could find.
It was the same as yesterday. Same people, same loneliness, same atmosphere. It got tiring after a while.
But there was one thing out of place. A girl who was waiting for a bus, her hair tied up into a ponytail with a pretty ribbon which was mismatched with her t-shirt, sneakers and jean shorts. She wasn’t like everyone else that he watched. She was listening to music, yes, but she was singing along and dancing to her music, head held high as she watched the end of the road for the bus. Something about her was captivating to him and he didn’t catch himself staring until she turned her head just a bit to the left and then, their eyes were locked.
It was a surreal moment, her eyes seeming to rip him apart from head to toe with just a little glance, before she turned her head to look for the bus again.
No one had ever beaten him at his own game before. He felt like she could just tell who he was with one glance, that she could tell all of his insecurities and secrets with a single look. It was a scary thought, that someone could tell just who he was with that little look. Was it like this for other people too?
Before he could even move, she was on that bus and out of his life.
He dreaded going home because his mom was always there, somewhat of a stay-at-home mom, and she always knew when he was in trouble and he hated those looks she gave him. The you won’t amount to anything looks that made him feel disappointed in himself.
“Mom, I’m home,” he called out lightly as soon as he entered the house, but there was no answer from the other side. With a shrug, he walked into the kitchen to grab something to eat but when he heard his mother’s voice, he froze in his tracks.
“I’m worried about him, he doesn’t have any friends. He doesn’t go out anywhere, but he’s not studying either. I don’t know what’s wrong with him… no he doesn’t have any diseases, what are you talking about?! It isn’t like that. I just want to help him, but everything I do doesn’t work and-”
He had heard enough. Without even mentioning that he was there again, he left the house as fast as he could, not even bothering to lace up his shoes.
He stayed out until dark, just wandering around in the chilly air. He couldn’t stop thinking about what his mother said, about how she was worried about him, about how he was “diseased.”
It wasn’t like that. He could make friends anytime he wanted, but he just chose not to. He didn’t see the point in having people around if they always left. If they always hurt him. There was no use in even trying. He could sense the loneliness of other people even when they were with other people, and he knew that feeling all too well. If he was going to be lonely even with someone else, he would prefer to be lonely… well, alone.
He wound up in the park, sitting on a swing as he watched other people pass by in front of him.
But he couldn't sense anything, even as he stared and studied as hard as he could. All he could see were smiles, linked hands, linked arms, playful shoves. He saw happiness as couples walked together, happiness as friends talked together.
Maybe he was the wrong one. Maybe he was the one with the problem, the disease. Maybe he was the only one who can’t figure this whole thing out. He pushed himself off of the swing with a sigh, hands shoved deep into his pockets as he wandered to the street, eyes searching for something to make him feel.
He ended up at a café near the park, just a little bit to the north. The chilly air didn’t bother him anymore, and he leaned back against the metal chair as he watched everyone at the other tables. Some people were sitting alone, but they were studying or talking on the phone with coffee or tea set out in a cup before them. And then there were those in groups, big or small, laughing and talking as they sipped on their drinks.
And then suddenly he was cold, goosebumps rising on his skin as he stared ahead at three people, two boys and one girl. The two boys were grinning from ear to ear, and he could see their hands touching and brushing against each other underneath the table. It made him smirk to himself. It really was no secret that they must have been dating. And then he set his sights on the girl. She was smiling at them, mouth talking a mile a minute, probably telling some funny story about whatever.
Then she turned to the left and there it was. The ribbon in her hair. His heart jumped as he realized it was the bus stop girl. The same one who bore into his soul.
Was she talking about him? Was she thinking about him? He didn’t want to admit it, but he was thinking about her. What was her name? What did she like? What did her voice sound like?
He pushed up on his legs and before he knew it, he was standing near her table, hands shoved into his pockets as he cleared his throat.
The look she gave him was the same look she had flashed to him earlier, the blank stare, but this time there was a hidden surprised element underneath everything.
“Hello?” she asked him, her tone impatient, but he fell in love with her voice. It was so light and airy, had a sort of sharpness to it, like she was timid, but you couldn’t mess with her.
“Um… hello.”
He always thought making friends was so easy. He could make friends whenever he wanted. But god, that stare she was giving him, it made him feel horrible. Unwanted. Pathetic. It was harder than it seemed. Maybe this was why he didn’t try. It was just too hard to start and keep the conversation and friendship going.
“Who are you?” she asked him and he snapped out of his thoughts at the chuckles of the two boys next to her. He sent them a look but it didn’t shut them up, because they were smiling and one even waved at him.
Assholes.
“Um, I’m Taemin. Lee Taemin. I saw you earlier at the bus stop and I wanted to say hello, but…” He didn’t know what to say after that. He wanted to-what? Go over and say hello. But then what? There was no end to his sentence. He didn’t know what to say to her.
“Oh,” she sighed out and then she sent him a little smile as if she remembered the moment, even just for a second. “I remember, we… looked at each other. You caught me dancing, right?”
He thought he heard her utter something along the lines of “embarrassing” but he didn’t quite catch it before her friends started cracking up in their seats, leaning over to punch her in the arm.
“Our Minjung, dancing to music in public?! No way, are you sure about that one?!”
Something about the sudden playful atmosphere made Taemin want to stay, and it helped that the kid with the large nose pulled up a chair and patted it for him. It was so strange, so surreal that he was sitting with someone because he hadn’t in a while. He couldn’t remember the last time he got coffee with a friend, or ate with a friend, or hung out and joked with a friend. It was like he forgot how to do those things completely, so he stayed to the side while everyone else joked around together.
“Jinki oppa, stop it! You know I get embarrassed about it.”
The girl, Minjung was her name? her laugh was so addicting, almost like a high tinkling but with a more masculine undertone to it that was unique. He couldn’t help but smile at her. And then she turned to him, her eyes twinkling with happiness as she stared at him, her smile comforting him right back.
“Ah, Taemin? How rude of me… I’m Minjung. This is Jinki and this is Jonghyun.”
The flatter-faced one was Jinki, and the one with the big nose and nice hair was Jonghyun. They were suddenly recognizable to him. He’d seen them around before but he never knew who they were. He gave a little bow of his head and suddenly felt awkward with all the eyes on him, almost as if they were accusing him of intruding.
“So Taemin, what do you do?”
“I’m a student." His blunt tone seemed to send chills down Jinki’s spine because he could see the sudden look of surprise on his face, and time seemed to stand still at that moment before he pointed to his high school uniform that he still wore. “Check out this beautiful thing.”
“Oh god,” the one named Jonghyun seemed to groan, and he was thankful for the lightened atmosphere even for a moment. “I remember wearing that thing… hideous. And itchy.”
“The girl’s uniform wasn’t much better,” Minjung added, her chin resting neatly on her palm as she watched him.
Something in his heart stirred as he watched her-the way she laughed, the way she smiled, the way she nudged him when he wasn’t paying attention to questions asked. It was like they were old time friends instead of him being the awkward 4th wheel or the intruder.
It felt so freeing to talk about the things they all shared in common. Soccer, music, dancing, performing. They all loved it. They all lived for it.
Dancing was the only thing Taemin had that seemed real in his life, the only thing he could give to the world, and somehow it slipped out when they were talking about their hobbies.
The table went silent and all eyes were on Taemin as he looked off into the sky. It was embarrassing to be so exposed like that. He had said too much, that was for sure. No one had ever known his inner most thoughts, and like this, after an hour or so, he had already revealed how much loneliness and pain he actually felt.
“Shit,” he breathed and suddenly it felt like the air was missing from his lungs. Like the walls were pressing down in on him because all eyes were on him in that one moment. “I should go,” he said and he almost knocked the chair over as he hastily stood up, mumbling a quick “Nice meeting you,” before he practically ran off.
What had he been thinking? This was the reason he didn’t talk to anyone. He felt so bare, so vulnerable in that moment and he hated that feeling. He hated feeling like he was so miserable. It was easy to suppress those feelings when there was no one there to share it with. But now…
“Taemin, wait!”
He heard Minjung’s voice calling for him, but he drowned it out, steps growing faster as he walked down the road. It was starting to snow, light and fluffy, and he hadn’t even noticed that it got that cold outside.
He heard her call again but he couldn’t take it-he didn’t know what it was. His mind was overwhelmed with so many different feelings that he couldn’t piece together how he actually felt at that moment. He couldn’t explain it. He couldn’t describe it. But he hated it. Why did they invite him like that? Why couldn't they just call him a freak and let him be on his way? Why did they have to be so damn nice? It didn't make any sense. Nothing made sense.
He heard a whisper of his name, a light, faint shout, and that was it before he broke out into a run, wanting to get away from everything that seemed to be haunting him.
He ran all the way home.
He couldn’t stop thinking about her, Minjung. The name rolled off his tongue and swirled within his mouth like a sweetened piece of candy. Strange though, because she was anything but.
That afternoon was imprinted in Taemin’s mind, to the point that he revisited the memory countless times in the dying moments of twilight as he finished his homework or beneath the spray of hot water as he showered. He remembered them, Jonghyun, Jinki, and Minjung-friends who shouldn’t be his friends who had somehow managed to steal Taemin from his normally closed off and aloof way.
How had they done it? he had to wonder. Was it them, something about being in their presence that had gotten Taemin out of his shell? Or was it just simply him finally tired of alienating himself from people, feeling insecure with the knowledge that his own parents were worried about him?
He told himself it didn’t matter, tried to put their conversation out of his mind and get back to the Old Taemin who didn’t care what people thought of him and was perfectly content to listen to his music and dance the tension from his body. It was an admirable plan really, and it would have gone so well too.
If only Minjung hadn’t found him.
Of all places to host their third encounter, Taemin certainly never anticipated it to be the marketplace at sundown. Well, an hour or so before sundown.
Taemin spotted her before she spotted him and he immediately spun around and tried to hide amongst a pair of fruit stands. Normally he wouldn’t have bothered to try to hide they way he was but this was a matter of saving himself from more embarrassment. It had, after all, only been about a week since the curious afternoon he’d spent with the older girl and her friends, and it wasn’t likely Minjung had forgotten him.
He tried to inch his way past the different food carts, head bowed low and feet shuffling him forward. He collided with people in the bustle of the crowd but gave only a few half hearted apologies in return. When he found himself nearing the edge of the street corner and back towards the bus stop, he breathed easier and counted himself accomplished for having successfully avoided meeting Minjung.
He breathed too soon.
“You know, if that was your attempt at hiding from me, it was damn pathetic.”
Taemin’s head shot up in surprise, fingers curling against loose coins in his pocket as he came face to face with the girl he’d tried avoiding. He shook his head sheepishly and refused to meet her eyes.
“Dunno what you mean,” he hedged.
Minjung visibly scoffed, clucking her tongue at him as she grabbed him around the forearm and led him toward the bus stop. “Right. You must think I’m pretty stupid.” Taemin resisted the urge to shake her arm away and instead replied, “I don’t think you’re stupid.”
“Then why’d you try avoiding me?”
“Because.” She pushed him-forcefully-to sit on the bench and joined him, crossing her legs and burying her chin into her grey muffler.
“Because?” Taemin didn’t respond, to which Minjung heaved a sigh and turned to face him. “Look, I have no idea what was up with you last week, but that was a pretty dick move you pulled there, just running out on us like that. You owe me and my friends an apology.”
If she’d been trying to get Taemin angry enough to respond, she’d succeeded. Taemin’s head shot up at her words and he scowled. “I don’t owe you anything, least of all an apology,” he ground out.
“No? So you don’t think you were acting the righteous asshole by walking out on me during our conversation? The fuck are you on, kid?”
“I’m not a kid!”
“You sure acted like one. And you’re acting like one now too. You wanna call mommy and tell her the big mean noona is bullying you? Here,” she fished out her cell phone and thrust it in his face, “go ahead, start dialing. I wanna hear what your mother thinks about your manners. Well? Start dialing-”
“Fuck off,” he said instead. Taemin stood abruptly, shaking from anger as he stared down at Minjung a moment before turning and stomping off. He got about five steps away before a hand grabbed him and spun him around again.
“Is this your only method of avoiding confrontation? Running away?”
“I’m not running away! I’m just getting away from you.”
“Why? Because you know I’m right? Because you know you acted like a little shit last week and are too scared to apologize? It’s easy, I’ll help you. ‘Minjung-ah, I’m very sorry for acting like a little shit to you and your friends last week.’ See? Now repeat, ‘Minjung-ah-’”
“I think you’re crazy. Now leave me alone.” Taemin tried to yank his arm out of her grasp but she was decidedly stronger than she looked. “Let go of me!”
“No, not until you apologize!”
“I’m not apologizing to you or to anyone, now let go!” He finally managed to pull his arm free, only to stumble backward onto his butt. He looked up to see Minjung thrust a hand out to help him up. It would have been a thoughtful gesture if she hadn’t been laughing as she looked down at him.
“Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?”
He slapped her hand away and stood, brushing snow off his pants and jacket. When she saw him wince, her laughter finally died and she looked slightly apologetic. “You okay?”
“I’m fine. I’ll be better if you leave me alone.”
“Fat chance of that happening. I’m still waiting on that apology.”
“Then wait ‘til next winter, because I’m not saying I’m sorry.” They stared at each other, both refusing to back down from the battlefield they shared between their heated gazes. It was Minjung who finally cracked first.
“Look,” she started, “I get it. You hate confrontation. You hate meeting new people or, God forbid, trying to get close to them. But you still acted rude to me last week and I don’t care what your excuses are for it. If you’re that against giving me a simple apology, you can at least buy me something to eat to make up for it.”
Taemin gaped at her, wondering how she’d read him so well. Not like you tried all that hard to hide your aloofness from her, he mused to himself. He shook his head, dispelling his strange thoughts before finally nodding at her. “Fine. But just coffee. And then we’re even.”
Minjung wasn’t satisfied with just getting bought coffee. She also demanded Taemin sit with her inside the coffee store as she finished her drink. Despite his protests, Taemin somehow found himself acquiescing to her demand.
“So. You like dancing? I think that was the last thing you said before you ran off.” Taemin froze in his seat but she didn’t see his suddenly closed off expression, too occupied with her drink to notice.
“Yeah. I like to dance,” he muttered, staring at the chipped table top before him. There were stains on the wood, from too many over eager coffee drinkers and careless napkin scrubbing. He brushed a few stray crumbs off the corner and let them fall into his palm, feeling the little pieces on his skin before he dumped them onto the floor.
“What kind of dancing do you do?”
“This and that.”
“This and that like hip hop?”
He rolled his eyes. “Sure.”
“Ah, I see. This is more of your, I’m going to give vague answers and hope she shuts up, act isn’t it? No worries, I’m a patient bee. I’ll just assume from your noncommittal answers you secretly square dance behind your school and don’t want anyone to know.”
Taemin could feel her smirking across from him without even having to look up and see it. He scowled again, something he seemed to be doing a lot of around her. “Are you always this irritating?”
“I dunno-Are you always this withdrawn?” Touché. Minjung was a lot wittier than Taemin had originally given her credit for. “Hurry up and finish,” he said, rather than responding to her question.
The sat in contemplative silence for several long moments. Taemin would be lying if he said he didn’t find the silence blissful. He used the time to sneak glances at the girl across from him, watching the pale curve of her wrist as it curled around her coffee mug and brought it to her mouth. He found himself almost mesmerized by the way her pink, somewhat chapped lips, closed over the rim of the cup; the way her throat muscles bobbed as she took calm sips of her drink; the way her tongue peeked out and licked away a dribble of coffee from the corner of her mouth.
She caught him staring but rather than call him on it, simply smiled knowingly. Taemin refused to admit he was blushing.
“I bet you’re good,” she said out of the blue. Taemin shot her a questioning look. “At dancing,” she clarified. “I bet you’re good at dancing.”
“I’m better than you,” he said, not thinking about his words. As soon as he said them though, he stiffened, feeling stupid and suddenly awkward again. He fidgeted in his seat, already experiencing that telltale burning that made him want to flee.
“You sure about that?” she asked, unaware of his internal conflict. Taemin stopped at that, rolling the words around in his mind. “Show me. Dance with me.”
“You mean here?” He knew he probably looked, and sounded, as shocked as he felt, shaken from his feelings of discomfort at her sudden request.
Minjung shrugged, taking another sip of her coffee and seemingly finishing the last of it. “Well, maybe not right here, but like, outside. Behind the building or something.” She stood, leaving her cup on the table and grabbing her coat from the back of her chair before pulling Taemin up from his seat.
“Wait, what’re you-” Taemin had almost no chance to protest as he was dragged back outside into the frigid cold, hand gripped tightly in Minjung’s strong, calloused fingers. He wondered idly how her hands didn’t freeze without any gloves on, but then again, hadn’t he caught her dancing in shorts in the middle of winter that first time?
Minjung didn’t let go of his hand until they were standing outside in the alley, surrounded on two sides by brick buildings. A wire mesh fence blocked off the alley from the back about twenty feet behind them. It was getting dark and from the flickering streetlamp and building lights above them, Taemin could see every breath he and Minjung expelled.
“Are you crazy?! We can’t dance out here!”
Minjung ignored him, finally letting his hand go and walking over to one of the metal fire escapes at the side. She hooked her jacket, which she hadn’t bothered putting on, onto the rusty handle before turning back to him. Even in the near dark, he could see her smiling at him as she pulled her iPod out of her pocket.
“Relax Taeminnie. Just for a little bit, alright? Let’s see how much better you are at dancing.” He watched her turn the device on, scrolling through whatever playlist she had selected. The glow of the screen illuminated her face, making her look ethereal as she stood there.
He watched her grin as she found the song she’d been searching for, waiting a moment as she cranked the volume as loud as she could. At first it sounded like nothing more than an annoying, high pitched buzzing coming from the earbuds until he finally recognized the beat.
“Britney Spears? Really?”
“Sorry Taemin-ah, don’t have any fiddle music to square dance to. This’ll have to do.” He huffed and turned to walk away, to leave her there and never see her again but she easily caught him, gripping his jacket in her long fingers and pulling him back.
It hadn’t bothered him how much taller than him she was until she used her height to her advantage, spinning him around in her arms before pulling him close and pinning his arms to her sides.
“How well can you dance kid?” she asked, but her voice was a whisper, devious and secretive as she quirked her lips into a small smile and began to sway her hips.
Taemin swallowed. He’d never been in this position before, never had such a warm, soft body against his like this moving against him. Minjung had wrapped her earbuds’ cord around her neck, the earbuds hanging off her left shoulder. When she leaned in, breath ghosting over Taemin’s lips and giving him a look, he found himself near breathless. Without thinking, his hands tightened around her hips, hooking into the belt loops of her jeans of their own accord.
They danced like that, enclosed in the solace the towering buildings provided them, hiding them away from the crowded street. Their breaths mingled, Taemin shivered but whether from the cold or the embrace, he couldn’t be sure. The song changed, continued to change as they danced for a time Taemin couldn’t be sure of, but neither cared. Whether a slow, heartbreaking ballad or the fast-paced, pounding rhythm of the latest pop song, it didn’t matter. Minjung molded herself to Taemin’s front and Taemin was powerless to do anything more than hold her close.
At some point Minjung released her grip around his waist and reached between them. Her fingers grasped the zipper of his coat and pulled it down. They locked gazes, staring at nothing but the depths of each other’s vision as the soft sounds of his zipper coming undone meshed with the hum of the music. Taemin watched Minjung lick her lips, never breaking the gaze as the jacket was finally loosened and shrugged off his shoulders, falling unnoticed to the snow covered street.
Minjung maneuvered her thigh between Taemin’s legs, bending down slightly until they were the same height. Pressed closer and closer together, Taemin didn’t notice they’d been moving until he felt the cold brick of a wall behind him hit his back.
His breath escaped him in a ragged pant. Minjung’s eyes gleamed as she gazed down at him, hips still moving sensually against his. Taemin’s hands tightened around her, sidling beneath her t-shirt.
What was he doing? Where were they going with this and what the hell was he doing? Standing in an empty alley at night with a girl he’d met only twice before-this wasn’t something Taemin was supposed to be doing, dancing and aching for a touch he’d never once needed before.
Minjung seemed to know. Somehow, she seemed to understand the conflict that was holding Taemin, the unvoiced struggle his thoughts were caught in.
Her face loomed closer, the journey between their faces coming to an end. Her eyes locked with Taemin’s again but there was no hesitation over what she wanted to do.
“Is this okay?” she asked, and Taemin didn’t know what she was referring to, whether their provocative dance or the unthinkable action he knew she wanted to do to him. It didn’t matter thought. He nodded.
Her lips didn’t press to his so much as they did brush and pull apart. Searching his face, as though needing more reassurance that he was okay with this, Minjung’s lips quivered a moment before coming closer again and this time, Taemin met her halfway.
Warmth surged through him. His fingers curled into her skin, brushing the naked, soft flesh of her lower back before travelling up. She still had her thigh between his legs, still had her body pressed to his front. Her hands found Taemin’s hair, circling the strands around his fingers and running against his scalp in what was meant to be a soothing gesture.
Taemin opened his mouth and did nothing more, waiting for what she would do next. Their tongues touched hesitantly, wet and smooth and gentle like the touch of snowflakes, before pulling back. Minjung pulled away and laid her forehead against his, breathing coffee breath into his face that Taemin swore he could taste as he licked his lips.
“I win,” she said. Taemin had no idea what she meant and didn’t really care. His eyes were closed, trembling because it wasn’t supposed to be like this. He could already feel his resolve cracking, cracking beneath the heated touches of some girl he’d only just meant and already felt attached to.
“Did you hear me Taeminnie? I said I win,” she murmured. Taemin’s eyes fluttered open, looking into her dark eyes. “What did you win?” he asked.
“I dance better, don’t I?” Apparently everything was about winning to her. Getting her way, getting her apology, getting what she deserved, what she knew she deserved.
Was that why he found himself attracted to her? Was it her tenacity and self-confidence, so disparate from his own caution, that intrigued him? They were alike, guarded and reserved, and that had been what drew Taemin to her in the first place. But where Taemin regarded the world from behind a glass wall, willing to gaze at it from afar, Minjung instead attacked it head on. She could be just as cold as him, and yet, so fearless.
“I don’t call that dancing,” he said, lips quirking into a teasing smile. Seeing her so open with him made him want to open himself too, but he didn’t. He could allow this, this moment to splay out between them, dancing and enjoying each other’s company. But he wasn’t prepared to let her in all the way, not like she expected. He wasn’t ready to open up all those parts of himself he’d kept hidden away for so long…
“Then I guess I’ll just have to try again,” she said, pulling him from the wall and turning her back to his chest, winding her arms around his neck and beginning another dance to the music.
…At least not yet.