Second Run-Through of ChecksdemonichateDecember 19 2009, 23:15:37 UTC
- "The suspicious person who stands before Tobari is....?!"
I know most Japanese chapters have stuff phrased like that, but somehow I think "Who is that suspicious person standing before Tobari?!" sounds better.
- "Tobari: I, Grandpa and Akatsuki..."
In proper English (according to my English major mom) it should be "Grandpa, Akatsuki and I..."
- "*I'll leave myself into your hands, Tobari-sensei.*"
Stills needs to be fixed...
- "Tobari: The conversations of the adults never ran out and continued deep into the night."
Who is Tobari referring to by "the adults"? With that in the sentence it doesn't flow as well....maybe, if it needs to be in there, "Their conversations never ran out and continued deep into the night."?
- "Rin: Whether in the long while we did not see each other, you have gotten a child, became strong, became weak..."
Better, but still doesn't sound right...I just...dunno how to fix it...also, according to my entire family, "gotten" is not a word (though I use it too, don't worry). I think for that part of the sentence you could say "you have a child" or "you begot a child" or even "you have obtained a child" (but that sounds weird). For the first half..."Whether in the long run" sounds better (because "in the long while" makes no sense), but I can't figure the part after it out...
- "Rin: Since there are things in the Shimizu Clan that have to be done and will not vanish."
Better, but with "since" in there it doesn't sound right...take that word out and then the sentence will sound right.
- "Rin: At present there seems to be no conspirious movement from the Fuuma village."
Missed this the first time. "There doesn't seem to be any suspicious movement from Fuuma Village at the moment."
- "This winter vacation, I'll take the freedom to bring my children here."
I assume Rin is saying this (since she has more than one child). "I'll take some time to bring my children here this winter for vacation."
- "Rin: That you posess the Hijitsu, it isn't because you are daydreaming, is it?"
Sounds right to me o-o. You just misspelled "possess".
- "Tobari: The strength of Asahi, who laughed brightly, while caged into the duty over an overwhelming big existence."
Sounds better, but the last part of it doesn't make sense...
- "Tobari: I felt that this was not a problem a child could handle."
He's talking about himself, yes? Is he saying he COULDN'T handle something because he was a child, or that he COULD? If it's that he couldn't, I think "I felt that this was a problem a child could not handle." sounds better and less confusing.
- "Asahi: Even now, I occasionally think of just how much happiness it would be, if I could live and pretend this thing does not exist."
Either "how much happiness it would bring," or "just how happy it would be,"
- "Asahi: Thanks to Black-san, I can see the way before me clearly."
Mostly opinion, but "Thanks to Black-san, I can clearly see the path before me."
- "Tobari: Making it become like that comes before anything!"
Disregard everything I said about that sentence before, it sounds right now. Although, I think "everything else" works better at the end of it.
- "Tobari: And anyhow, I have learned ninjitsu, because Grandpa forced me to...!"
"And anyway, I learned ninjutsu because Grandpa forced me to...!" as for the reading order, maybe he said it in English? Or maybe it doesn't mean anything, lol.
- "Asahi: I won't talk about "ifs."
I think you meant "'if's" at the end.
- On page 19, is Asahi or Tobari asking "What is it?"???
- Um, I assume "no problem" was written in English in the RAW? Or did you just randomly capitalize it?
- "Tobari: I will protect Miharu, Akatsuki and Grandpa. And of course you, too."
At the end, I think "You too, of course." sounds better.
- "Asahi: Tommorow Zekku will be completed after all."
Perhaps, "Zekku will be completed tomorrow after all."? Sounds better, imho.
Re: Second Run-Through of ChecksdemonichateDecember 19 2009, 23:15:49 UTC
- "Asahi: Akatsuki won't hurt anybody and won't be hurt by anybody."
Hearing all these 'anybody's makes me feel like I'm back in sophmore year. "Akatsuki won't be hurt by anybody and won't be hurt by anyone."
- "Tobari: It seemed like continuing to believe into strong feelings would grant the wish."
No really, it needs to be "in" NOT "into". Read it aloud.
- "Miharu: Let us hear the rest. Miharu: Please, sensei."
Like I said, "Please let us hear the rest." and the second bubble could be "Sensei".
- "Tobari: I should have known from the beginning, that if it (the situation) had become like that, we would be made unable to move."
I don't think that "made" near the end needs to be in there.
Also, don't mind my "beaten" comments. I've just always wished I could speed translate something for a fandom I'm in, but I never wake up early enough and therefore someone else usually gets to it before I'm even aware there's a RAW.
I know most Japanese chapters have stuff phrased like that, but somehow I think "Who is that suspicious person standing before Tobari?!" sounds better.
- "Tobari: I, Grandpa and Akatsuki..."
In proper English (according to my English major mom) it should be "Grandpa, Akatsuki and I..."
- "*I'll leave myself into your hands, Tobari-sensei.*"
Stills needs to be fixed...
- "Tobari: The conversations of the adults never ran out and continued deep into the night."
Who is Tobari referring to by "the adults"? With that in the sentence it doesn't flow as well....maybe, if it needs to be in there, "Their conversations never ran out and continued deep into the night."?
- "Rin: Whether in the long while we did not see each other, you have gotten a child, became strong, became weak..."
Better, but still doesn't sound right...I just...dunno how to fix it...also, according to my entire family, "gotten" is not a word (though I use it too, don't worry). I think for that part of the sentence you could say "you have a child" or "you begot a child" or even "you have obtained a child" (but that sounds weird). For the first half..."Whether in the long run" sounds better (because "in the long while" makes no sense), but I can't figure the part after it out...
- "Rin: Since there are things in the Shimizu Clan that have to be done and will not vanish."
Better, but with "since" in there it doesn't sound right...take that word out and then the sentence will sound right.
- "Rin: At present there seems to be no conspirious movement from the Fuuma village."
Missed this the first time. "There doesn't seem to be any suspicious movement from Fuuma Village at the moment."
- "This winter vacation, I'll take the freedom to bring my children here."
I assume Rin is saying this (since she has more than one child). "I'll take some time to bring my children here this winter for vacation."
- "Rin: That you posess the Hijitsu, it isn't because you are daydreaming, is it?"
Sounds right to me o-o. You just misspelled "possess".
- "Tobari: The strength of Asahi, who laughed brightly, while caged into the duty over an overwhelming big existence."
Sounds better, but the last part of it doesn't make sense...
- "Tobari: I felt that this was not a problem a child could handle."
He's talking about himself, yes? Is he saying he COULDN'T handle something because he was a child, or that he COULD? If it's that he couldn't, I think "I felt that this was a problem a child could not handle." sounds better and less confusing.
- "Asahi: Even now, I occasionally think of just how much happiness it would be, if I could live and pretend this thing does not exist."
Either "how much happiness it would bring," or "just how happy it would be,"
- "Asahi: Thanks to Black-san, I can see the way before me clearly."
Mostly opinion, but "Thanks to Black-san, I can clearly see the path before me."
- "Tobari: Making it become like that comes before anything!"
Disregard everything I said about that sentence before, it sounds right now. Although, I think "everything else" works better at the end of it.
- "Tobari: And anyhow, I have learned ninjitsu, because Grandpa forced me to...!"
"And anyway, I learned ninjutsu because Grandpa forced me to...!" as for the reading order, maybe he said it in English? Or maybe it doesn't mean anything, lol.
- "Asahi: I won't talk about "ifs."
I think you meant "'if's" at the end.
- On page 19, is Asahi or Tobari asking "What is it?"???
- Um, I assume "no problem" was written in English in the RAW? Or did you just randomly capitalize it?
- "Tobari: I will protect Miharu, Akatsuki and Grandpa. And of course you, too."
At the end, I think "You too, of course." sounds better.
- "Asahi: Tommorow Zekku will be completed after all."
Perhaps, "Zekku will be completed tomorrow after all."? Sounds better, imho.
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Hearing all these 'anybody's makes me feel like I'm back in sophmore year. "Akatsuki won't be hurt by anybody and won't be hurt by anyone."
- "Tobari: It seemed like continuing to believe into strong feelings would grant the wish."
No really, it needs to be "in" NOT "into". Read it aloud.
- "Miharu: Let us hear the rest.
Miharu: Please, sensei."
Like I said, "Please let us hear the rest." and the second bubble could be "Sensei".
- "Tobari: I should have known from the beginning, that if it (the situation) had become like that, we would be made unable to move."
I don't think that "made" near the end needs to be in there.
Also, don't mind my "beaten" comments. I've just always wished I could speed translate something for a fandom I'm in, but I never wake up early enough and therefore someone else usually gets to it before I'm even aware there's a RAW.
Reply
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