"My muses use everything from mallets to oars to a potted cactus to strike me with inspiration."
Ideas tend to stick around more when they use a potted cactus. XD ... *sighs* oh I'm so bad. XD *gets KOed by a rock for using such a horrible pun* X_X
Alas. The winter weather has decided to hit us now. This means if I have to just wander aimlessly around to think... I have to waste gas. Fuu. I want autumn back. --;;
That reminds me... The symbolism I assigned to the seasons. In a way that has been happening. Changing in Autumn... Now it's winter and the time for hardest work to be done. Winter is not just a season of death... It's the season of preparation. Everything is clean, bare, and pure. Winter strips everything down in order to get ready for spring. For spring shall bring forth new beginnings and rebirth. Winter break and my return have already put many things into perspective for me, but it has added a new chatter to the back of my mind. Aside from the "I wanna go home" chatter that has quieted since I started ignoring it; I now have the "I might not be here next year" chatter. I admit it does freak me out a little, but at the same time... I am calm when I listen to it. It brings mixed feelings, but mostly positive ones. I love this place. I really do, but I am not sure it is worth going through minor breakdowns every time I return from STL just to be here... The breakdowns vary in intensity, but even the smallest is painful.
I'm still waiting for my info packet from UMSL, but I've had a meeting with my counselor, Brian. He challenged all my thoughts, which really helped me sort things out even more. I need to make a list of pros and cons for both choices. One major con about being up here is the fact that there are many hobbies I enjoy that are hampered. I'd have to take Ceramics classes just to do pottery and even then I'd have to wait until Ceramics 2. Sewing is out due to lack of space for a sewing machine, lack of access to other machines, and lack of quality fabric. Hiking is so-so because I can do that here, but the trails at Thousand Hills State Park aren't marked very well. There aren't really any good arts and crafts stores here. Wal-mart doesn't count. --;; I miss Art Mart and Ben Franklins. Not much of a chance to ever learn ballroom dancing up here. Meh.
However, after I talk to my parents on the 26th; I won't be as preoccupied with the thoughts, so I can focus on the semester and what's going on here and now.
I had more thoughts, but I had to go to class... --;; So I lost my train of thought. Besides, I'm going to practice what my counselor challenged me to do. Only use an hour a day to think about it and then push it all aside. So, I've had my hour thinking about it.
I'm definitely staying in today... It's cold outside and icy. I'll deal with my car tomorrow. It should be fine.
Anyway, I wanna work more on the story I started to write last night. I was all ready to change and go to bed around 10:30pm when my muses came up and smacked me in the head with the oar of inspiration. Yes. They used an oar. I stayed up an extra two and a half hours and all I got was two pages of solid story and a first name for the main character. I seriously spent almost an hour trying to find the right name and when I fuss over a name... It's very likely that I'll get attached to the story.
I blame the fact that I was looking at an old story that Asura and I were working on over email. I'd write a section with my characters. He'd write one with his. We only got as far as working together to write the section where they all met up, but it died after that. XD. I'm extremely ashamed of my old Danielle/Cassandra/Whatever the hell her name really is with all the weird forms and crap... --;; My god she's such... Ew. It makes my muses cry to see a Mary-Sue dominate my past writings. *shudder* I'm so glad I've given all those characters a huge overhaul... Hmm... Someday I will definitely have to get back to my guardians story... I've had major problems with inspiration for that one. Past events tend to prod at my brain whenever I work on it. Though I'm almost done cutting all association between the story and those events. I still have to give Zan another make over 'cause he still resembles the old character too much. However, I notice that I'm still obsessed with drama and endless action. XD
Here's where I go on a self-analysis tangant... yeah... it's long... and I'm boring. Jump down to the next bolded phrase if you want to avoid reading something I wrote for the soul purpose of organizing my thoughts and venting emotion.
Even back then I would endlessly torment my characters, but I think in the chats I just wanted attention. Which would make sense because I trying to escape from reality. I felt so ignored and unremarkable in my real life that I got drawn into the various delusions created by both me and some of the people I RPed with. However, I went way overboard trying to make my character special 'cause she was an extension of me and I wanted to be special. I guess... I was desperate to find my purpose... Desperate to find the answer to the question: "Why am I alive?". The meaning to my life. In that desperation I met wonderful people and screwed everything up in the end by being so blind to reality. To what was really happening to me and what I was really doing. In the matter of a year everything seemed to fall apart. I lost just about everything... Possibly even part of my sanity because when I entered high school... I was still on a slight downward spiral. I had no real social skills, I didn't have good self-esteem, my confidence was minimal...
Silently and endlessly I would curse myself for being such a fool once I fully realized what I had done. I managed to pretty much destroy and/or lose so many things that made me happy. That's when I learned how to manipulate my emotions so well. I learned how to empty my head of other emotions in order to lead a seemingly normal life around others. It was easy to trick people because over the years I had been such a good, quiet kid. No one would've ever guessed how much chaos and negativity was raging inside me. Even if a few people found out... It appears they either didn't want to take action or I threw them off with my mask of happiness. I became a slave to the pure nothingness with regular coups by my darkness. No one ever realized the true results because we had bigger and more obvious matters to deal with. Plus, I always appeared to get over my various breakdowns. I put on a front because I believed I was insignificant compared to others, so I didn't want people to worry about me. I never thought of myself as a good actor, but somehow I managed to avoid any direct confrontations about my breakdowns. I managed to hide just about everything.
Yeah... I guess I feel somewhat resentful that no one could see what I was hiding, but I had always seemed so trustworthy and at least fairly level headed. Not the type to do anything too rash. Unfortunately, there are many sides to my personality that I kept hidden from people. However, even when they came out in words. They weren't taken seriously, but then again they were just words. Words don't always mean a lot. Actions usually have to be seen to make things really count. However, my actions were never noticed. They were so small and subtle. I could easily hide any real problems. The best part about being female is that you can blame everything on PMS if you wish or some people are just convinced that any emotional outbursts are the result of PMS when in reality... The problem is much deeper. It continues through out the entire year. Not just a portion of each month. *shrug* but no one realized it, so I continued to be the way I was. I was too scared to talk to my friends directly about it... I was afraid of the possible negative consequences. Though... I was completely willing to talk if confronted directly because then I knew that they knew something... But I never really got the chance. It's not that I thought badly of my friends! It was all me. I wasn't afraid of them... I was afraid of history repeating itself. I was still afraid of the past. It had nothing to do with who the girls were. It was the event itself that was firmly lodged my mind. I believed if I never said anything about my real problems offline... Then things would... Stay the same and be okay, but things just fell apart once again.
Things changed, I still refused to talk, and no one said anything. Nothing direct really happened. So... I just got worse. My self-esteem was so low that I was plagued with paranoia (and in a way arrogance) that everything was my fault and no one wanted me around. I'm still not completely sure how I became convinced of that nor of how I started to believe that I was somehow all alone. I haven't quite confronted that demon yet... Except my rational self has given it a smackdown several times to make it behave. I think that's why I overreacted to all of Laura's actions as she was dating Chris (However, I have rated some of those as just reasonable reactions because of Laura's behavior). I was also jealous. At the same time I was being hypocritical because I complained that we didn't do anything together anymore, but I had the tendency to pass up chances. What can I say? I was depressed... I lost interest in things... I believed if I hid from everything and ignored the changes... Everything would stay the same. My growth was kind of at a standstill. I didn't want things to change... But they did anyway.
I tried to fix things by just moving on... Ignoring the insults and abuse that had been dealt to me. Trying to start anew, but it didn't work. Things went completely south. So, I ran away. I ran away to Truman. To hide from the changes. To avoid the problems that still needed to be solved. I didn't realize that the moment I chose to run away... I had selected the option that was a double-edged sword. On the plus side I was meeting new people, making friends, and having new experiences. On the negative side... Some things just got worse. Things kept building and I kept hiding the problems... I kept supressing things. In the end... Well... Last semester was the result. A massive, but thankfully not complete breakdown. If it had been a complete breakdown... Things would've been much much worse... But I'm willing to bet I wouldn't still be hiding a few things if I had a complete one.
Laura... In a way back then when we fought about the subject of breakdowns... You were kinda right, but at the same time I was still also kinda right.
A complete breakdown would've made things better for me in the long run because I'd have to confront EVERYTHING. Every single one of my demons. Everything would be in the open... However the results of a complete breakdown wouldn't be pretty for me and judging by what happened in the partial breakdown... Even now I don't want to talk about the possible aftermath of a complete breakdown because I'm still hiding many things because I am not ready to confront those demons... Not out in the open at least. So I privately contend with them. I'm still too scared to talk about them openly... Even to the counselors. Even though in the long run the results would be good... I'm afraid of the immediate consequences... I'm not strong enough to deal with those possibilities. The crack in the wall isn't big enough, so I still don't trust people enough... I'm even afraid of my parents.
With the wedding past... I am now at a slight disadvantage against my demons... They have gained some knowledge to taunt me with, but most of them I'm able to control.
I've built up so many securities... I'm so afraid of breaking them all down... Being completely vulnerable. Even though I KNOW better... I still FEEL afraid of falling... and having no one catch me... What I KNOW and what I FEEL are completely separate and at this time in my life my emotions have the stronger reign. I'm afraid of regressing into who I used to be even if in the end I manage to come through it all as a different person. The person I want to be... However... No matter how much I want it... Fear still dominates the endless chatter in the back of my mind and I'm still in no position to push past the fear. I have gained some strength, self-esteem, and confidence, but it's not enough to break through the limit. I can still keep pushing against it though. Someday it'll have to give way because I won't back down. Even if I keep sliding backwards. I'll eventually climb back up and start pushing again. Why? Because even if the negative chatter is lodged in my mind... One firm and unwavering flame of a goal has been lit in my mind. The goal of being who I want to be. I've had a taste and I liked it. I felt so good and I want that feeling back.
Plus it helps that I have a very determined inner warrior. XD Now that I've laughed at myself. Time to get back to something not so.... boring. I just wrote this self-analysis to organize my thoughts.
Back to the subject of writing and a kinder journey through my memories.
I should create a schedule for when I work on stories in order to make myself at least look at 'em.
Anyway. The inspiration I got from the old email story that Asura and I did was the idea of people who are friends online meeting in real life and not even realizing it. My god that was the fun part. Asura's reaction in the story was the best one ever and I'm very tempted to replicate it in some way. Though it wouldn't quite have the same impact because he used faces. Still, best shock reaction ever. however, then I look at my characters and go.... "My god... They're so full of themselves! Wrapped up in their little world. Must kill it...." This is why I usually avoid looking at just about anything before high school because most of it is shit. God... I was so delusional back then... --;; However reading the section that Asura and I were working on together... It pains me to see the excessive use of IM short cuts like 'u', 'ur', 'pleaz'. etc. Nowadays I can barely tolerate reading things like that. Makes me cringe. However, I like the basic idea buried inside that particular story and I'll use it, but no doubt I'll change everything else. I just have to work out more than the basic plot. Like technical details, what it'll all lead up to, etc. It's like outlining the story. That way I don't have too many hang ups when actually writing it.
Whoo.. That was long. Mostly 'cause I went on that tangant. Anyway. I'm outta thoughts and I need to eat.
Catch ya' on the flipside, mates!
~Marty / Shin~
Alas. The winter weather has decided to hit us now. This means if I have to just wander aimlessly around to think... I have to waste gas. Fuu. I want autumn back. --;;
That reminds me... The symbolism I assigned to the seasons. In a way that has been happening. Changing in Autumn... Now it's winter and the time for hardest work to be done. Winter is not just a season of death... It's the season of preparation. Everything is clean, bare, and pure. Winter strips everything down in order to get ready for spring. For spring shall bring forth new beginnings and rebirth. Winter break and my return have already put many things into perspective for me, but it has added a new chatter to the back of my mind. Aside from the "I wanna go home" chatter that has quieted since I started ignoring it; I now have the "I might not be here next year" chatter. I admit it does freak me out a little, but at the same time... I am calm when I listen to it. It brings mixed feelings, but mostly positive ones. I love this place. I really do, but I am not sure it is worth going through minor breakdowns every time I return from STL just to be here... The breakdowns vary in intensity, but even the smallest is painful.
I'm still waiting for my info packet from UMSL, but I've had a meeting with my counselor, Brian. He challenged all my thoughts, which really helped me sort things out even more. I need to make a list of pros and cons for both choices. One major con about being up here is the fact that there are many hobbies I enjoy that are hampered. I'd have to take Ceramics classes just to do pottery and even then I'd have to wait until Ceramics 2. Sewing is out due to lack of space for a sewing machine, lack of access to other machines, and lack of quality fabric. Hiking is so-so because I can do that here, but the trails at Thousand Hills State Park aren't marked very well. There aren't really any good arts and crafts stores here. Wal-mart doesn't count. --;; I miss Art Mart and Ben Franklins. Not much of a chance to ever learn ballroom dancing up here. Meh.
However, after I talk to my parents on the 26th; I won't be as preoccupied with the thoughts, so I can focus on the semester and what's going on here and now.
I had more thoughts, but I had to go to class... --;; So I lost my train of thought. Besides, I'm going to practice what my counselor challenged me to do. Only use an hour a day to think about it and then push it all aside. So, I've had my hour thinking about it.
I'm definitely staying in today... It's cold outside and icy. I'll deal with my car tomorrow. It should be fine.
Anyway, I wanna work more on the story I started to write last night. I was all ready to change and go to bed around 10:30pm when my muses came up and smacked me in the head with the oar of inspiration. Yes. They used an oar. I stayed up an extra two and a half hours and all I got was two pages of solid story and a first name for the main character. I seriously spent almost an hour trying to find the right name and when I fuss over a name... It's very likely that I'll get attached to the story.
I blame the fact that I was looking at an old story that Asura and I were working on over email. I'd write a section with my characters. He'd write one with his. We only got as far as working together to write the section where they all met up, but it died after that. XD. I'm extremely ashamed of my old Danielle/Cassandra/Whatever the hell her name really is with all the weird forms and crap... --;; My god she's such... Ew. It makes my muses cry to see a Mary-Sue dominate my past writings. *shudder* I'm so glad I've given all those characters a huge overhaul... Hmm... Someday I will definitely have to get back to my guardians story... I've had major problems with inspiration for that one. Past events tend to prod at my brain whenever I work on it. Though I'm almost done cutting all association between the story and those events. I still have to give Zan another make over 'cause he still resembles the old character too much. However, I notice that I'm still obsessed with drama and endless action. XD
Here's where I go on a self-analysis tangant... yeah... it's long... and I'm boring. Jump down to the next bolded phrase if you want to avoid reading something I wrote for the soul purpose of organizing my thoughts and venting emotion.
Even back then I would endlessly torment my characters, but I think in the chats I just wanted attention. Which would make sense because I trying to escape from reality. I felt so ignored and unremarkable in my real life that I got drawn into the various delusions created by both me and some of the people I RPed with. However, I went way overboard trying to make my character special 'cause she was an extension of me and I wanted to be special. I guess... I was desperate to find my purpose... Desperate to find the answer to the question: "Why am I alive?". The meaning to my life. In that desperation I met wonderful people and screwed everything up in the end by being so blind to reality. To what was really happening to me and what I was really doing. In the matter of a year everything seemed to fall apart. I lost just about everything... Possibly even part of my sanity because when I entered high school... I was still on a slight downward spiral. I had no real social skills, I didn't have good self-esteem, my confidence was minimal...
Silently and endlessly I would curse myself for being such a fool once I fully realized what I had done. I managed to pretty much destroy and/or lose so many things that made me happy. That's when I learned how to manipulate my emotions so well. I learned how to empty my head of other emotions in order to lead a seemingly normal life around others. It was easy to trick people because over the years I had been such a good, quiet kid. No one would've ever guessed how much chaos and negativity was raging inside me. Even if a few people found out... It appears they either didn't want to take action or I threw them off with my mask of happiness. I became a slave to the pure nothingness with regular coups by my darkness. No one ever realized the true results because we had bigger and more obvious matters to deal with. Plus, I always appeared to get over my various breakdowns. I put on a front because I believed I was insignificant compared to others, so I didn't want people to worry about me. I never thought of myself as a good actor, but somehow I managed to avoid any direct confrontations about my breakdowns. I managed to hide just about everything.
Yeah... I guess I feel somewhat resentful that no one could see what I was hiding, but I had always seemed so trustworthy and at least fairly level headed. Not the type to do anything too rash. Unfortunately, there are many sides to my personality that I kept hidden from people. However, even when they came out in words. They weren't taken seriously, but then again they were just words. Words don't always mean a lot. Actions usually have to be seen to make things really count. However, my actions were never noticed. They were so small and subtle. I could easily hide any real problems. The best part about being female is that you can blame everything on PMS if you wish or some people are just convinced that any emotional outbursts are the result of PMS when in reality... The problem is much deeper. It continues through out the entire year. Not just a portion of each month. *shrug* but no one realized it, so I continued to be the way I was. I was too scared to talk to my friends directly about it... I was afraid of the possible negative consequences. Though... I was completely willing to talk if confronted directly because then I knew that they knew something... But I never really got the chance. It's not that I thought badly of my friends! It was all me. I wasn't afraid of them... I was afraid of history repeating itself. I was still afraid of the past. It had nothing to do with who the girls were. It was the event itself that was firmly lodged my mind. I believed if I never said anything about my real problems offline... Then things would... Stay the same and be okay, but things just fell apart once again.
Things changed, I still refused to talk, and no one said anything. Nothing direct really happened. So... I just got worse. My self-esteem was so low that I was plagued with paranoia (and in a way arrogance) that everything was my fault and no one wanted me around. I'm still not completely sure how I became convinced of that nor of how I started to believe that I was somehow all alone. I haven't quite confronted that demon yet... Except my rational self has given it a smackdown several times to make it behave. I think that's why I overreacted to all of Laura's actions as she was dating Chris (However, I have rated some of those as just reasonable reactions because of Laura's behavior). I was also jealous. At the same time I was being hypocritical because I complained that we didn't do anything together anymore, but I had the tendency to pass up chances. What can I say? I was depressed... I lost interest in things... I believed if I hid from everything and ignored the changes... Everything would stay the same. My growth was kind of at a standstill. I didn't want things to change... But they did anyway.
I tried to fix things by just moving on... Ignoring the insults and abuse that had been dealt to me. Trying to start anew, but it didn't work. Things went completely south. So, I ran away. I ran away to Truman. To hide from the changes. To avoid the problems that still needed to be solved. I didn't realize that the moment I chose to run away... I had selected the option that was a double-edged sword. On the plus side I was meeting new people, making friends, and having new experiences. On the negative side... Some things just got worse. Things kept building and I kept hiding the problems... I kept supressing things. In the end... Well... Last semester was the result. A massive, but thankfully not complete breakdown. If it had been a complete breakdown... Things would've been much much worse... But I'm willing to bet I wouldn't still be hiding a few things if I had a complete one.
Laura... In a way back then when we fought about the subject of breakdowns... You were kinda right, but at the same time I was still also kinda right.
A complete breakdown would've made things better for me in the long run because I'd have to confront EVERYTHING. Every single one of my demons. Everything would be in the open... However the results of a complete breakdown wouldn't be pretty for me and judging by what happened in the partial breakdown... Even now I don't want to talk about the possible aftermath of a complete breakdown because I'm still hiding many things because I am not ready to confront those demons... Not out in the open at least. So I privately contend with them. I'm still too scared to talk about them openly... Even to the counselors. Even though in the long run the results would be good... I'm afraid of the immediate consequences... I'm not strong enough to deal with those possibilities. The crack in the wall isn't big enough, so I still don't trust people enough... I'm even afraid of my parents.
With the wedding past... I am now at a slight disadvantage against my demons... They have gained some knowledge to taunt me with, but most of them I'm able to control.
I've built up so many securities... I'm so afraid of breaking them all down... Being completely vulnerable. Even though I KNOW better... I still FEEL afraid of falling... and having no one catch me... What I KNOW and what I FEEL are completely separate and at this time in my life my emotions have the stronger reign. I'm afraid of regressing into who I used to be even if in the end I manage to come through it all as a different person. The person I want to be... However... No matter how much I want it... Fear still dominates the endless chatter in the back of my mind and I'm still in no position to push past the fear. I have gained some strength, self-esteem, and confidence, but it's not enough to break through the limit. I can still keep pushing against it though. Someday it'll have to give way because I won't back down. Even if I keep sliding backwards. I'll eventually climb back up and start pushing again. Why? Because even if the negative chatter is lodged in my mind... One firm and unwavering flame of a goal has been lit in my mind. The goal of being who I want to be. I've had a taste and I liked it. I felt so good and I want that feeling back.
Plus it helps that I have a very determined inner warrior. XD Now that I've laughed at myself. Time to get back to something not so.... boring. I just wrote this self-analysis to organize my thoughts.
Back to the subject of writing and a kinder journey through my memories.
I should create a schedule for when I work on stories in order to make myself at least look at 'em.
Anyway. The inspiration I got from the old email story that Asura and I did was the idea of people who are friends online meeting in real life and not even realizing it. My god that was the fun part. Asura's reaction in the story was the best one ever and I'm very tempted to replicate it in some way. Though it wouldn't quite have the same impact because he used faces. Still, best shock reaction ever. however, then I look at my characters and go.... "My god... They're so full of themselves! Wrapped up in their little world. Must kill it...." This is why I usually avoid looking at just about anything before high school because most of it is shit. God... I was so delusional back then... --;; However reading the section that Asura and I were working on together... It pains me to see the excessive use of IM short cuts like 'u', 'ur', 'pleaz'. etc. Nowadays I can barely tolerate reading things like that. Makes me cringe. However, I like the basic idea buried inside that particular story and I'll use it, but no doubt I'll change everything else. I just have to work out more than the basic plot. Like technical details, what it'll all lead up to, etc. It's like outlining the story. That way I don't have too many hang ups when actually writing it.
Whoo.. That was long. Mostly 'cause I went on that tangant. Anyway. I'm outta thoughts and I need to eat.
Catch ya' on the flipside, mates!
~Marty / Shin~