The Jokes from long ago
So, a few years ago (like 6) I had a long list of emails full of the best jokes I had ever read, but then my email got screwed over, my computer dumped the files with the jokes typed out and they were lost. I have such bad luck with computers.
But, in a turn of luck, I have found the majority of them again and I shall now present them to you, with a few extra ones, just for my own amusement and your entertainment. Enjoy,
SS
Airline Checks
These actual reports come from plane pilots reporting problems, and the response form the otherwise sarcastic team of engineers.
(P) = Problem reported by pilot during flight.
(S) = Solution given by maintinance team post repairs.
(P): Left inside main tyre almost needs replacing.
(S): Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
(P): Flight test OK, but auto-land very rough.
(S): Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
(P): Something loose in cockpit.
(S): Something tightened in cockpit
(P): No.2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S): No.2 Propeller seepage normal - No.1, No.3 and No.4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P): Evidence of leak in right main landing gear.
(S): Evidence removed.
(P): DME (Didgital Motor Electronics) unbelievably loud.
(S): DME volume set to more believable level.
(P): Dead bugs on windshield
(S): Live bugs on order
(P): Auto-pilot in altatude hold mode produces a 200fpm (feet per minute) descent.
(S): Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P): IFF (refference not found) inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P): Friction locks cause throttle leaver to stick.
(S): That's what they're there for.
(P): No.3 Engine missing (meaning engine problems or inactive during flight.)
(S): No.3 engine found under right wing after brief search.
(P): Mouse in cockpit.
(S): Cat installed
(P): Aircraft handles funny.
(S): Aircraft warned to straighten up, 'fly right' and be serious.
(P): Target raidar hums.
(S): Reprogrammed target radar with the words.
Labels for idiots... just remember that people did these things, sued the company and they ahd to put the warning label on. Believe it or don't.
On a Hair-dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of chips: You could be a winner! No purchase Necessery. Details inside.
On a bar of soap: Directions; use like ordinary soap.
On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion; defrost.
On a hotel shower cap in its box: Fits one head.
On a Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): Do not turn upside down.
On a packet of bread pudding: Warning, contents will be hot after heating.
On a box for an iron: Do not iron clothing on body
On Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or opperate machinery after use.
On sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowziness
On a box of chinese made christmas string lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a bag of peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On a a different packet of nuts: Instructions: open bag, eat nuts.
On a Sweedish chainsaw: Warning: do not attempt to stop chain with your hands of genitals.
On childrens superman costume: the wearing of this garment will not enable you to fly.
Confucius says...
...Woman who fly upside down bound to have crackup.
...Passionate kiss, like spiders web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
...Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor
...Virginity like bubble, one prick and all gone
...Man who run in front of car get tyred.
...Man who run behind car get exhausted.
...Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
...Man with hand down woman's pants at wring time of month will be caught red-handed.
...Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
...Man who walk into airport sideways is going to Bangkok
...Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.
...Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
...Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls can not walk.
...Panties not best thing on earth, just next to it.
...War doesn't determine who's right. War determine who's left.
...Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.
...Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
...It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.
...Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
...Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
...Man who live in glasshouse should change in basement.
...He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
...Man who farts in church sits on own phew.
But, in a turn of luck, I have found the majority of them again and I shall now present them to you, with a few extra ones, just for my own amusement and your entertainment. Enjoy,
SS
Airline Checks
These actual reports come from plane pilots reporting problems, and the response form the otherwise sarcastic team of engineers.
(P) = Problem reported by pilot during flight.
(S) = Solution given by maintinance team post repairs.
(P): Left inside main tyre almost needs replacing.
(S): Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
(P): Flight test OK, but auto-land very rough.
(S): Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
(P): Something loose in cockpit.
(S): Something tightened in cockpit
(P): No.2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S): No.2 Propeller seepage normal - No.1, No.3 and No.4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P): Evidence of leak in right main landing gear.
(S): Evidence removed.
(P): DME (Didgital Motor Electronics) unbelievably loud.
(S): DME volume set to more believable level.
(P): Dead bugs on windshield
(S): Live bugs on order
(P): Auto-pilot in altatude hold mode produces a 200fpm (feet per minute) descent.
(S): Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P): IFF (refference not found) inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P): Friction locks cause throttle leaver to stick.
(S): That's what they're there for.
(P): No.3 Engine missing (meaning engine problems or inactive during flight.)
(S): No.3 engine found under right wing after brief search.
(P): Mouse in cockpit.
(S): Cat installed
(P): Aircraft handles funny.
(S): Aircraft warned to straighten up, 'fly right' and be serious.
(P): Target raidar hums.
(S): Reprogrammed target radar with the words.
Labels for idiots... just remember that people did these things, sued the company and they ahd to put the warning label on. Believe it or don't.
On a Hair-dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of chips: You could be a winner! No purchase Necessery. Details inside.
On a bar of soap: Directions; use like ordinary soap.
On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion; defrost.
On a hotel shower cap in its box: Fits one head.
On a Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): Do not turn upside down.
On a packet of bread pudding: Warning, contents will be hot after heating.
On a box for an iron: Do not iron clothing on body
On Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or opperate machinery after use.
On sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowziness
On a box of chinese made christmas string lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a bag of peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On a a different packet of nuts: Instructions: open bag, eat nuts.
On a Sweedish chainsaw: Warning: do not attempt to stop chain with your hands of genitals.
On childrens superman costume: the wearing of this garment will not enable you to fly.
Confucius says...
...Woman who fly upside down bound to have crackup.
...Passionate kiss, like spiders web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
...Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor
...Virginity like bubble, one prick and all gone
...Man who run in front of car get tyred.
...Man who run behind car get exhausted.
...Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
...Man with hand down woman's pants at wring time of month will be caught red-handed.
...Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
...Man who walk into airport sideways is going to Bangkok
...Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.
...Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
...Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls can not walk.
...Panties not best thing on earth, just next to it.
...War doesn't determine who's right. War determine who's left.
...Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.
...Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
...It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.
...Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
...Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
...Man who live in glasshouse should change in basement.
...He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
...Man who farts in church sits on own phew.