Two strides forward, one step back.
Ugh, you guys, I've been home like an hour and I am still stewing.
So partway through the second period of the game tonight there was a penalty called on the ice, one of the Admirals tried to argue it with the refs, and the people sitting beside me - who are cheering for the Swarm - start yelling abuse at him, and at the refs.
And then one of them yells "shut up, fag."
I took a breath, and then leaned forward - so I could make eye contact, not in front of the person sitting between the two of us, because I'm not rude enough to cut off someone's eyeline while the puck's in play - and said "Excuse me, please don't use that word as an insult."
I was so FUCKING polite, I did not yell like I would have liked to, and I did not swear, and I also didn't use the word pejorative because I made the snap (and I would have to say accurate) judgment call that she wouldn't know what that meant.
And her response was "Why not?" And her friend said "She didn't mean it in a GAY way!"
ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING ME. I'm sorry, you thought I was insulted because you were implying that one of the players does dudes? SPECTACULAR MISSING OF THE POINT.
So I said, again, extremely politely, "Look, it's just that if you use that to mean stupid or bad or wrong then you're implying that you think the word means all those things." And they basically blew me off entirely, told me to get over it, argued that they hadn't done anything wrong and I was being rude to them, and tried to verbally dogpile me en masse. And then spent the rest of the game making snide comments, and saying "gay" and "fag" every now and then just to try and bait me.
Which, fuck you, I'm not biting that one if you've proven that you're completely closed to discussion and are just trying to be a jerk. I'm not letting shit slide anymore, but I'm also trying to pick my battles and that one really wasn't worth it. And fuck them for casting a pall on MY experience, because I spent the entire rest of the game with a horrible case of the shakes, which is an ANNOYING and unhelpful reaction to stress body, thanks not at all.
I didn't think it through entirely at the time, but I think I also subconsciously realised that I'm not sure how much backup I would've had at all, because they clearly know - or think they know - some of the players, and definitely some of the other regular spectactors, and basically I am there on my own and no one knows me. And I am of course wonderfully socially conditioned to not want to 'cause a scene'.
And just- argh. These kids were NOT that old, and I hate every time I expect better of the younger generations at least and get let down like that. I genuinely, gut-deep do not GET how someone can be in that situation and NOT have that crushing, awful, insides-collapsing moment of "oh my god did I just do something awful??" when called out on it. Like, even if you didn't. How do you not stop to consider the possibility? I get that every fucking time, even when I am unambiguously and objectively in the right to start with. It must be so nice to be so fucking confident.
And just- I hate having an initial impression confirmed like that, too.
I've been sitting next to this lot (plus an older adult lady who clearly knows them and may be someone's mother? Not sure. Also unimpressed because I overheard something that sounded like she was weighing in on the side of the dipshits, too.) for the last few weeks, and they've been subtly grating on me the entire time. I really don't want to use the word shrewish because I feel like it probably has some nasty gendered baggage with it, but they're shrill, and they yell a LOT, and I didn't want to, like, police someone else's enthusiasm, so I was trying to make myself not be bothered by it.
I don't know how to explain it right, but you know how at shows, and so on, there's times when it feels right/appropriate to yell/cheer, and times when it's just NOT? And that there are things you should and shouldn't yell at various times, and some of it is reading the crowd mood and what's happening on stage (or on ice, in this case), but... they miss a lot. In a way that makes me cringe in the "stop being on my side you're making my side look stupid" way. And they're not very good sports. Which I am too fucking me to be able to be okay with. (Also: I still feel bad about having this impression. ARGH.)
But I don't think I've given any of those feelings away at all, and I don't think it coloured my reaction tonight. But oh my tawg are they annoying, and I don't want to fucking sit by them again, but I also don't want them to chase me out of the spot I really like to sit in. I NEED LOCAL FRIENDS WHO CARE ABOUT HOCKEY. Because then we could just displace them by virtue of numbers. And they could suck it. /whining
Also, kicking myself for having changed OUT OF my "NO HOMO(PHOBIA)" (thanks Megs' Alex, btw) shirt before leaving the house, because that would've been a really good opportunity to be all "look at my shirt. now look at me. now look at my shirt. now go fuck yourself." at them. But instead I chose to be polite and wear a shirt in public that I hadn't been wearing for, you know, the last two days. Heh.
tl;dr, next time I just want to say "congratulations, you just comprehensively out-assholed Sean Avery" and move on with my life.
I won't. But I'll want to.
This entry also posted at dreamwidth.
comments/ view comments at dreamwidth.
So partway through the second period of the game tonight there was a penalty called on the ice, one of the Admirals tried to argue it with the refs, and the people sitting beside me - who are cheering for the Swarm - start yelling abuse at him, and at the refs.
And then one of them yells "shut up, fag."
I took a breath, and then leaned forward - so I could make eye contact, not in front of the person sitting between the two of us, because I'm not rude enough to cut off someone's eyeline while the puck's in play - and said "Excuse me, please don't use that word as an insult."
I was so FUCKING polite, I did not yell like I would have liked to, and I did not swear, and I also didn't use the word pejorative because I made the snap (and I would have to say accurate) judgment call that she wouldn't know what that meant.
And her response was "Why not?" And her friend said "She didn't mean it in a GAY way!"
ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING ME. I'm sorry, you thought I was insulted because you were implying that one of the players does dudes? SPECTACULAR MISSING OF THE POINT.
So I said, again, extremely politely, "Look, it's just that if you use that to mean stupid or bad or wrong then you're implying that you think the word means all those things." And they basically blew me off entirely, told me to get over it, argued that they hadn't done anything wrong and I was being rude to them, and tried to verbally dogpile me en masse. And then spent the rest of the game making snide comments, and saying "gay" and "fag" every now and then just to try and bait me.
Which, fuck you, I'm not biting that one if you've proven that you're completely closed to discussion and are just trying to be a jerk. I'm not letting shit slide anymore, but I'm also trying to pick my battles and that one really wasn't worth it. And fuck them for casting a pall on MY experience, because I spent the entire rest of the game with a horrible case of the shakes, which is an ANNOYING and unhelpful reaction to stress body, thanks not at all.
I didn't think it through entirely at the time, but I think I also subconsciously realised that I'm not sure how much backup I would've had at all, because they clearly know - or think they know - some of the players, and definitely some of the other regular spectactors, and basically I am there on my own and no one knows me. And I am of course wonderfully socially conditioned to not want to 'cause a scene'.
And just- argh. These kids were NOT that old, and I hate every time I expect better of the younger generations at least and get let down like that. I genuinely, gut-deep do not GET how someone can be in that situation and NOT have that crushing, awful, insides-collapsing moment of "oh my god did I just do something awful??" when called out on it. Like, even if you didn't. How do you not stop to consider the possibility? I get that every fucking time, even when I am unambiguously and objectively in the right to start with. It must be so nice to be so fucking confident.
And just- I hate having an initial impression confirmed like that, too.
I've been sitting next to this lot (plus an older adult lady who clearly knows them and may be someone's mother? Not sure. Also unimpressed because I overheard something that sounded like she was weighing in on the side of the dipshits, too.) for the last few weeks, and they've been subtly grating on me the entire time. I really don't want to use the word shrewish because I feel like it probably has some nasty gendered baggage with it, but they're shrill, and they yell a LOT, and I didn't want to, like, police someone else's enthusiasm, so I was trying to make myself not be bothered by it.
I don't know how to explain it right, but you know how at shows, and so on, there's times when it feels right/appropriate to yell/cheer, and times when it's just NOT? And that there are things you should and shouldn't yell at various times, and some of it is reading the crowd mood and what's happening on stage (or on ice, in this case), but... they miss a lot. In a way that makes me cringe in the "stop being on my side you're making my side look stupid" way. And they're not very good sports. Which I am too fucking me to be able to be okay with. (Also: I still feel bad about having this impression. ARGH.)
But I don't think I've given any of those feelings away at all, and I don't think it coloured my reaction tonight. But oh my tawg are they annoying, and I don't want to fucking sit by them again, but I also don't want them to chase me out of the spot I really like to sit in. I NEED LOCAL FRIENDS WHO CARE ABOUT HOCKEY. Because then we could just displace them by virtue of numbers. And they could suck it. /whining
Also, kicking myself for having changed OUT OF my "NO HOMO(PHOBIA)" (thanks Megs' Alex, btw) shirt before leaving the house, because that would've been a really good opportunity to be all "look at my shirt. now look at me. now look at my shirt. now go fuck yourself." at them. But instead I chose to be polite and wear a shirt in public that I hadn't been wearing for, you know, the last two days. Heh.
tl;dr, next time I just want to say "congratulations, you just comprehensively out-assholed Sean Avery" and move on with my life.
I won't. But I'll want to.
This entry also posted at dreamwidth.
comments/ view comments at dreamwidth.