please turn off your porch light
i had one of those dreams again. it's been so long i'd forgotten about them.
i'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything. that the only reason is because i used his face to drive me forward when i was working out last night. it worked in the moment, really. but maybe i need to find motivation elsewhere.
i don't know.
every time i find myself slipping in motivation or lacking the drive i need to succeed, i think of those two years and all the hell i went through. that i had given all of this up to be with him and now that he's gone, i can fulfill what i've aspired to do for the last few years. and it usually works.
but if dreams are the consequence of that motivation...i don't want that motivation.
the problem is, if i'm not angry with him, i'm not angry with anyone. i don't believe in god anymore, so how can i be angry with something that i don't think exists? i am a little angry with pari, but i'm not willing to spend the energy on that because it's just not worth it. and i don't want to take my exercise out on myself. that's just self-destructive.
it just always seemed healthy to me to take my anger out on him because he's the one that hurt me the most. being angry with anyone else for the purposes of working out just seems unhealthy to me. but maybe being angry with him is unhealthy too.
i haven't been angry for a long time. i've been wondering how he is and if he's still alive and if he's happy. i realized that it's not a bad thing. it just means that my anger is waning. so maybe the dreams are there to remind me not to care too much. because the dream is always some form of the same thing.
always me forgiving him because i've forgotten what he did. and then when i take him back, he does something only slightly despicable (since that obviously was his MO--don't be an outright douchebag, but do something only slightly despicable so he can get away with it.) and all of a sudden i whack myself on the forehead and say "oh yeah! how could i forget about this!"
in the dream last night, we were talking about getting back together and he didn't believe me when i said i wanted to be with him. so i spent a while trying to convince him that i wasn't settling. then i said that all of my friends would be so pissed at me since they all hated him more than i did. he told me that his mom was angry with me. and then, somehow, we got back together.
then, we were getting amped up for a fuck-session and he took my pants off to go down on me. and i hadn't shaved. and he made some kind of mumble that said something about 'not going to do it because somebody hasn't shaved.' and i was disgusted.
in any other case with any other person, i might not be so angry about it, but because it was him, i was absolutely livid. and i found myself stuck again. like i always do in these dreams. stuck in this relationship. and all i can think about is 'i'm going to have to break up with him again.' and i don't know why that is so hard, but i guess i just don't want to hurt people, no matter what they do to me.
oh well, i've gotten it off my chest.
that's enough
i'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything. that the only reason is because i used his face to drive me forward when i was working out last night. it worked in the moment, really. but maybe i need to find motivation elsewhere.
i don't know.
every time i find myself slipping in motivation or lacking the drive i need to succeed, i think of those two years and all the hell i went through. that i had given all of this up to be with him and now that he's gone, i can fulfill what i've aspired to do for the last few years. and it usually works.
but if dreams are the consequence of that motivation...i don't want that motivation.
the problem is, if i'm not angry with him, i'm not angry with anyone. i don't believe in god anymore, so how can i be angry with something that i don't think exists? i am a little angry with pari, but i'm not willing to spend the energy on that because it's just not worth it. and i don't want to take my exercise out on myself. that's just self-destructive.
it just always seemed healthy to me to take my anger out on him because he's the one that hurt me the most. being angry with anyone else for the purposes of working out just seems unhealthy to me. but maybe being angry with him is unhealthy too.
i haven't been angry for a long time. i've been wondering how he is and if he's still alive and if he's happy. i realized that it's not a bad thing. it just means that my anger is waning. so maybe the dreams are there to remind me not to care too much. because the dream is always some form of the same thing.
always me forgiving him because i've forgotten what he did. and then when i take him back, he does something only slightly despicable (since that obviously was his MO--don't be an outright douchebag, but do something only slightly despicable so he can get away with it.) and all of a sudden i whack myself on the forehead and say "oh yeah! how could i forget about this!"
in the dream last night, we were talking about getting back together and he didn't believe me when i said i wanted to be with him. so i spent a while trying to convince him that i wasn't settling. then i said that all of my friends would be so pissed at me since they all hated him more than i did. he told me that his mom was angry with me. and then, somehow, we got back together.
then, we were getting amped up for a fuck-session and he took my pants off to go down on me. and i hadn't shaved. and he made some kind of mumble that said something about 'not going to do it because somebody hasn't shaved.' and i was disgusted.
in any other case with any other person, i might not be so angry about it, but because it was him, i was absolutely livid. and i found myself stuck again. like i always do in these dreams. stuck in this relationship. and all i can think about is 'i'm going to have to break up with him again.' and i don't know why that is so hard, but i guess i just don't want to hurt people, no matter what they do to me.
oh well, i've gotten it off my chest.
that's enough