Long nights
After nights like last night i wonder if you truly know what you're getting yourself into. I know you love me, i don't doubt your convictions or what you say... but i am broken, possibly beyond advisable repair. I don't want you to waste your life on someone who might not ever be running on all cylinders in the end. You deserve so much more than that.
I'm complicated in ways other women are not, i will admit. I don't play head games and i really dislike drama, but i do have issues that complicate a happy life style as you've already seen. Some days, i want to go out and find you a proper mate. One who's deserving of your time and effort and who will fulfill everything you like and want and need. Who can give you everything in this world without issue.
And then you touch me and my world starts to spin, all my stress and fears and issues just melt away. My breath catches and i can't focus on anything or anyone but you.
I've never wanted anyone like i want you in all my life. I crave you and your touch in ways i didn't know i needed and like you, you are a need in my life.. i cannot survive without you. I have looked all my life for a love like this.. where i can feel the other person's feelings. Our connection is so deep and strong it scares me a little but it's all i've ever wanted. I fail at conveying how i feel about you, i think, because i feel so strongly.
You've asked me what it is about you that i love, and i have a hard time answering this because there are many things i love about you and many reasons i fell in love with you.
For years i have seen you, albeit in passing, and you were the one person who could make me laugh with such little effort. Who, on those occasions when we gamed, could make me laugh so hard i could barely breath with the simplest of things. Being around you is effortless, like breathing, and it always has been. It took a lot of work to convince everyone around me that you made me uncomfortable or that i didn't like your presence. I love your sense of humor, because i cannot be with someone who can't laugh and be silly.
Despite all the shit you've been through, you are such a strong hearted person. You are not broken because of the things you've endured, that which does not destroy you makes you stronger. You came back fighting every time. I know towards the end, before we talked, you had given up trying and i understand why. But you will never know how grateful i am that that door hadn't shut fully and that i was able to wiggle it open just a little bit. I love the strength of heart you show, you have the kind of heart every man should have and the kind most women dream of finding.
Emotionally, yes, you are stunted but not in the same manner as others. You shut down and shut the world out as a defense because when you let it in it has a tendancy to cause you far more pain than anything else. I've told you for years you just needed a good woman to love you proper and all that would change for you. You didn't believe me then but i hope you do now, though i don't consider myself a good woman and you know why. But you have so much to give the right person, i knew all you had to do was find her. I'm honored you feel that woman is me and i truly hope i can make and keep you happy for the rest of your life. You deserve to have someone who will love you to the fullest they're capable of, just as you do. I love how much you love me and how much you show me, you give me more than anyone ever has and you give it so freely despite the crap other women have put you through and for that i will always be grateful.
I have never been one to focus mainly on how a person looks, mainly because i have a very low opinion of my own looks, but i have found you so handsome since the first day i met you. The way you smell, the way you look, the way you move and carry yourself. You are, in my honest opinion, a sexy and very appealing man. If you don't believe me, just think back on all the women who drool over you and have wanted you, they're a good indicator. I find you extremely attractive and you are so gorgeous to me. I don't say it often and i rarely let you see me looking, but i can't take my eyes off you and i'm stupidly giddy when i get to touch you. You will never know just how much i like what i see, down to the very last cell. I love your body, as cliche as that is, i find you immensely sexy.
You, like so many i've met, are years beyond me in wisdom and experience and that's partly because you're older than me. But more often than not when i talk to people, which is why i don't generally like to, i'm made to feel a little dense or stupid because i don't have as much knowledge. I greatly enjoy listening to people talk, especially those who've seen the world or have views that i do not share or know about, whether it be politics or religion or even just things i've never delved into myself. I like learning and forming my own opinion on topics i might not otherwise have been exposed to. You enrich that part of me with a passion, you've seen and done so much more than i have and you have interests that, while some are hard for me to fathom i am still vastly interested in hearing about. I love how intelligent you are, and that you don't talk down to me or make me feel lesser for not always understanding.
We both know our bedroom life gets a little chaotic at times, and that is mostly my fault and for that i apologize. I was unaware just how pent up i've been all these years and the things i was lacking but didn't know about. My age, according to you, is also partly to blame but we'll see. I have had very few partners in the sex department, i can count them on one hand and that includes you. I'm vastly less experienced in most things than 90% of the people i know, but i've been mostly ok with that... until we got together and i saw just how much i was missing out on.
Up until you, sex was just a thing. I didn't need or want it from anyone and when i did it was fleeting at best. In some cases it was downright painful and unenjoyable, something i avoided at all costs, which now i realize was actually my lack of connection and desire. You fuel a fire in me that no one else has even bothered to stoke. My desire for you, in that regard, is nearly all consuming if i let it run rampant. A hunger i can never satisfy, no matter how often i try. I don't know what it is about you that does it to me, but i hope that it never goes away, that it stays this white hot for the rest of our life together. I want you, close and wholly, as humanly possible and that is the closest any two people can be. The connection i feel to your emotions when we're tangled amongst the sheets is intoxicating and addictive, an uninterupted, undiluted stream of everything you feel as long as your skin is touching mine like that. It reinforces the bond we have, for me, and lets me know every one of my fears are unfounded and unnecessary. It is not about screwing your brains out and getting you off, or me for that matter. It's about us, how we feel for one another, how we feel together. Yes, it's fun and gratifying beyond words, and i have absolutely no complaints at all. Not even about how often we do it, i just want to give it to you as often as i possibly can because i know you like it just as much as i do.
And we'll get farther into the things you like, the fetishes and lifestyles you like. I want to try them too, not just because you do but because i've been interested in experiencing them for a long time. I have ones i know i'll like more, ones i know will be better and that's because it's with you and i have a level of trust in you that i've given no one else. But i'm also willing to try some of the ones that might have scared me or bothered me before, and some we've talked about. I need to understand more about them before we can, and i need to know what you want from me in regards to them so that there are never any mixed signals. I want to please you in every way i can, whether you need it or not, i want to give you everything. I've given you all of me emotionally and mentally already, i am yours forever, mind, body and soul. But i can feel there's more i can give you, on many levels, and i intend to find out what those are and ensure you have them. I will strive to have you want for nothing in this life.
I am not so skilled with words as i used to be, and often when i want to write my thoughts and feelings it comes out sounding off yet when i'm just writing for the sake of writing unimportant babble i have a silver tongue. There will be many times when i go over things i've said before or repeat myself to you verbally like a broken record, this is partly because it helps me jog my memory into remembering what important things i want to say. You know how my mind works, how easily i'm derailed and thrown off track.
I love you, with all of me i have to give. You are my mate, my missing half, and my very soul. The one i've searched for all this life and in lives previous, i will never be able to tell you just how much and how important you are to me... to my very existence.