Going Down, Chapter Thirteen: Worlds Fall
Pairing: Ennis/Jack
Rating: R
Credit: Annie Proulx and Diana Ossana & Larry McMurtry. Thanks also to all the many incredibly talented writers out there who inspired me to finally write something myself-Madlori, Jenna, montana-crows, Cathalin, midwest-girl, debutante9, maidenofthesea, marakeshsparrow, louisev, amtamburo, midget-size, testa-dura, and many others. Finally, thank you very very much to Christine, my friend and beta and fellow ennisjack aficionado.
Feedback: Any and all appreciated, at my lj or at shieldmaid@gmail.com.
Special thanks to Christine, who was so patient during this looong writing hiatus. :)
Chapter Thirteen: Worlds Fall
Jack stood in the doorway, looking down at Ennis for a long moment. He wanted to remember their time together as long as he could, knowing that it would be coming to a bitter end in just a few hours.
Ennis’s face was pale, suddenly gaunt and stretched, mirroring the shock no doubt written across Jack’s own. He looked down at the hands clasped in his lap and swallowed so hard Jack could see the muscles in his throat clench. “Guess you’ll . . . you’ll have to be leavin’, then,” he said, his voice barely pitched above a whisper.
Jack sighed and stepped into the room so he could shut the door behind him. “Yeah,” he said. “I done Lureen a lotta wrong by just up ‘n leavin’ her to come up here. Maybe this’s my way a payin’ what I owe her at last.” He paused, frowned, tapped the toe of one boot against the bare boards of the floor. “Though it’s hard for me to see-been a while since we been together . . . in that way, I mean. Well, don’t doubt she’s the one who’d know. I been wrong before, wouldn’t a been in this situation otherwise.”
Ennis put one hand on each thigh and stood up slowly, as though his back hurt him. He didn’t look at Jack. “Alma’ll be wonderin’ where the hell I am too.” He coughed and cleared his throat. “Ranch can’t run itself, best get back ‘fore they decide to replace me with some no-count roughneck.”
In a flash, Jack was across the room and standing in front of Ennis. “Hey,” he said, cupping one hand under Ennis’s chin and tilting his head up. “Told Lureen I’d be headin’ back in the mornin’, no point killin’ myself in the dark. You can . . . stay a little longer, can’t you? Leave when I do, at first light?”
When Ennis finally raised his eyes to look at Jack, they were dark and swimming with tears. “Reckon I can manage that,” he said gruffly. He sniffed, seemed to gather himself. “Might hafta eat somethin’, though. You rode me hard ‘n put me away wet.” He paused, then winked solemnly, the corners of his mouth quirking into a faint smile.
Jack was startled to see this rare evidence of humor at so painful a moment. Warmth spread across his chest, and he could feel a grin stretching his face. “Thinkin’ the same thing myself, friend,” he replied. “I gotta go talk to Julia ‘bout gettin’ a leave a absence, but after that I can pick up some supplies from the dinin’ hall ‘n bring ‘em back here. ‘Less you wanna go eat down there with the guys.”
“Don’t think so,” Ennis said, staring directly into his eyes. “Rather spend what time I got left with you.”
His gaze was so frank that Jack felt himself begin to harden. He backed toward the door, grinning. “Better go while I still can. You got a way a makin’ me forget my own name, sometimes. Be right back, OK?”
“OK,” Ennis said. “I’ll be waitin’.”
When Jack reached the front office, Amber was sitting in the dispatcher’s chair, painting her fingernails a garish purple and cracking her gum loudly. The chemical scent of her nail polish made Jack’s eyes water. “Seen Julia?” he asked.
“Eating dinner, I think,” Amber replied. She didn’t look up from the desk, where she was stroking polish carefully across one long, pointed nail. The sight, so reminiscent of Lureen, settled a weight of unhappy memories in Jack’s very bones. “Said she’d be back at six so I can take my break.”
“It’s 6:15,” Jack pointed out. “Did she say where she was goin’?”
“Down to the dining hall, I guess.” Amber twisted in her seat to look at him. “Why do you care, Jack? And aren’t you supposed to be out on patrol tonight?”
“Somethin’ came up,” Jack said. “Now I gotta go home tomorrow, for a family emergency. Need to find out ‘bout takin’ a leave.”
“Well, go look down the hill. That’s all I can tell you.” Amber, losing interest, turned back to the desk and began waving her hand vigorously in the air.
Jack escaped gratefully out the front door. Standing on the porch for a moment, he could hear faint laughter floating up the hill from the bunkhouse and common hall. The night was cold and clear, stars sparking in the black sky like chunks of broken glass on a tarry road. At this altitude, he could almost imagine stepping off the porch and into the sky itself, walking up the broad path of the horizon into another world entirely. A world where Ennis wouldn’t be afraid to follow him, where his wife and son could accept the choices he’d made that didn’t include them, where they could all be happy and safe. He rubbed the back of one hand across his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut against the fierce burn of unwelcome tears.
When Jack reached the bottom of the hill, he found Julia standing on the porch of the common hall with her arms locked around the waist of a tall man. The porch was wrapped in shadows, but when the couple heard the approaching click of Jack’s boots on the gravel path, they drew apart and Jack identified her partner as Mark Goodpastor, one of the senior rangers.
“Jack!” Julia said, a smile lilting her voice. “You know Mark, right?”
“Yeah,” Jack said. “Good to see you.” They shook hands. “You doin’ all right after the fire?”
“Fine,” Mark said. His face was serious but pleasant, strongly angled at his jaw and cheekbones. “Just glad this crisis is over, at least.”
“Can I help you with something, Jack?” Julia was looking at him with bright eyes.
“Yeah, uh . . . Got a bit of a situation at home, need to head back for a few days. Wanted to find out ‘bout gettin’ a leave so’s I can hold onto my job up here. That OK?” Jack shoved his hands into his pockets and forced himself to stand still. He was already antsy about having left Ennis by himself for even this short length of time. Wouldn’t be surprised if the man spooked again and headed for the hills before they could work out exactly what they were going to do next.
“Oh, Jack,” Julia said, sympathy warming her voice. “I’m so sorry to hear that. Is Bobby OK?”
“Yeah, Bobby’s fine, thank god. It’s somethin’ else . . . somethin’ with Lureen. Anyway, better get back there so’s I can help her deal with it.” Jack bit into his lower lip, willing Julia not to ask any more questions.
“Well, there’s a form you can fill out-Request for Leave of Absence. It’s filed under R in my bottom drawer. Just be sure to include how long you’ll be gone, contact information, and your signature at the bottom. As long as you’re not going to be away for more than a month, that should do it.” Julia squeezed Mark’s arm and tilted her head to one side, looking at Jack.
“Thanks, Julia. Should I bring it back down here to you? You takin’ the rest a the night off?” Jack felt steady enough again to crack a brief smile.
“No.” Julia sighed. “I’d better get back up there or Amber will let the whole mountain crumble down around us. Just leave it on the desk when you go.” She looked up at Mark and smiled.
“‘Kay, then.” Jack turned to go but stopped when he felt Julia’s hand on his arm.
“Jack? Don’t stay away too long, OK? I think we’ll all be missing you. And I don’t just mean us here at the station.” She winked at him and punched him lightly on the shoulder before turning back to Mark.
“Thanks.” Jack’s cheeks felt warm. He cleared his throat and looked away, then back up again as a thought struck him. “Hey, think there’s any grub left over from dinner? Don’t think Ennis ate nothin’ all day, ‘n we’re both starvin’.”
“Sure,” Julia said, her back to Jack. “Check in the kitchen. You can usually get leftovers from Chuck or Wanda.”
Ten minutes later, Jack jogged back up the hill, his arms full of wrapped sandwiches, tubs of coleslaw, and bottled soda. His heart was already racing as he thought of his last few precious hours with Ennis and the difficult day that lay ahead of him tomorrow. How to explain this latest development to Ennis, how to make him see . . . that this didn’t have to be the end of them. They could work it out somehow. Had to.
When Jack reached the tiny bedroom again, Ennis was lying on the bed, his boots on and his hat tipped over his face. His breathing was heavy and regular; his arms were crossed on his chest, fingers curled loosely. “Hey, cowboy,” Jack said softly, nudging him in the calf with the toe of his boot. “You hungry?”
“Hmm?” Ennis’s voice was groggy and distant. “I was dreamin’.”
“‘Bout what?” Jack set the food down on the nightstand and looked around for a fork, any kind of utensil, the one thing he’d forgotten to bring up with him.
“Dunno . . . you was there, ‘n Bobby, ‘n Winston. Not sure what we was doin’, though.” Ennis shook his head a little and sat up, knocking his hat to the floor.
“Who’s Winston? Should I be jealous?” Jack smiled at him from his own position on one of the orange chairs. He loved seeing sleepy Ennis. Early morning and late night were generally the only times when Ennis allowed Jack to see him in a fully relaxed state, free of inhibitions and unworried by the world around them.
“Naw, just a guy works on the ranch with me. The one got hurt last week, remember I was tellin’ you that?” Ennis yawned and stretched his arms over his head. Then he brought his hands to his hips and frowned at Jack, as if seeing him for the first time. “What’s that you got there? Feel like sharin’?”
“Course,” Jack said. “You want turkey or roast beef? Or both? Tried to get us somethin’ hot but this was all they had left.”
“Both sounds good.”
They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes, passing coleslaw back and forth and flicking the bottle caps at one another. Finally Ennis got Jack square in the chest, and Jack yelped. “Hey, that one hurt!”
Ennis only grinned and tipped up his bottle to drain the rest of its contents, looking at Jack cross-eyed through the wavy glass bottom. “Couldn’t get no beer, huh?”
“Don’t let us have too much up here. Afraid somethin’ might happen they can’t control, I guess. And anyway.” Jack shrugged. “I ain’t been drinkin’ much lately myself.”
“Yeah,” Ennis said, his expression suddenly soft. “Forgot ‘bout that.”
“Got somethin’ better in mind, though.”
“What’s that?”
“Whyn’t you scoot your ass over ‘n make room for me?” Jack yawned until his eyes watered. “So stuffed now I need a nap.”
Ennis chuckled but edged over to the far side of the bed, leaving his arm extended along the bed’s headboard. Jack sat down next to him and leaned back, feeling Ennis’s fingers stroke tentatively through his hair. “This what you want, Jack?” Ennis’s voice was so quiet Jack almost thought he’d imagined it.
“This is good, Ennis.” Jack turned his head and kissed the man’s forearm. “But you know what I really want?”
“Yeah?”
“Want you to touch me.” Silence. “All over. Think you can do that? Need you to-give me somethin’ to remember you by, when I’m back in Childress.”
“Yeah, Jack. I can do that.”
They stood and undressed in silence on opposite sides of the bed, their shy silence and furtive glances at one another reminding Jack of the third night they’d spent together, the night when they’d gone into their tent up on Brokeback together for the first time. When they were finished, they stood gazing at one another across the narrow, rumpled coverlet.
Ennis spoke first. “Lay down.”
Jack bent to pull the quilt down and then stretched out on top of the sheet, looking up at Ennis. His skin felt warm and tingly from head to toe, as though he’d just run a mile or stepped out of a stinging hot shower. Ennis took a deep breath, then knelt at the foot of the bed, taking one of Jack’s feet in each hand and resting his forehead on the tumbled quilt. For a moment Jack felt almost alarmed-was Ennis having some kind of breakdown?-but then Ennis raised his head, met Jack’s eyes, and smiled. Jack started to sit up, to reach for him, but Ennis shook his head.
Jack lay back again and let his eyes drift to the ceiling, relaxed and content for the time being just to be sharing this silent, private space with Ennis. Soon, however, a light tickle on the sole of his left foot jerked him out of his reverie, and he looked down the bed to the other man. Ennis was cupping Jack’s foot lightly, looking down at it like he’d never seen such a precious sight before. As Jack watched, he began to massage it lightly, rubbing his thumbs into the always sore ball of his foot and stroking his fingers up and down the smooth skin on top. He repeated this unexpected luxury on the other foot, too, before sliding his hands up to encircle Jack’s ankles. He rotated the ankles gently, first one way and then the other, working out kinks Jack hadn’t even known he had. Then he slid his hands slowly up until he was cupping Jack’s calves in his two hands.
“Still hard as a rock, rodeo,” Ennis mumbled, his eyes on Jack’s legs.
“That’s not all that’s hard as a rock,” Jack said with a chuckle. Ennis’s ministrations were making the hair stand up on his arms, and he was nearly panting with need.
But Ennis didn’t smile. He leaned down and kissed Jack’s shins, one after the other, running his tongue slowly up and down the hard bone with its thin covering of skin. His big hands squeezed Jack’s calves again, coaxing the tension out of the knotted muscles. Jack sighed and closed his eyes, feeling Ennis’s hands moving slowly up the backs of his legs until they reached the sensitive skin at the backs of his knees. Ennis’s fingers traced delicate circles on this usually forgotten area, moving gradually closer and closer to Jack’s inner thighs. By the time Ennis’s hands closed over the meat of his thighs and began a gentle but firm squeeze-and-pull motion, Jack’s midsection felt like a pool of molten lava. He was so hard it almost hurt.
But Ennis skipped his groin entirely, moving his hands-fingers stroking slow circles all the while-up over Jack’s sides. He didn’t linger over the firm muscles that outlined his hipbones, knowing how ticklish that area could be, but brought his hands inward instead, rubbing his fingers carefully up and down the taut belly. Jack shifted and let out an involuntary groan.
“Know you said you’re full up from supper,” Ennis murmured. “Ain’t hurtin’ you, am I?”
“No,” Jack panted. “Wouldn’t exactly call this hurtin’, though I sure could use some relief.”
“I wanna . . . kiss you,” Ennis said softly, looking down at Jack’s body, his chest rising and falling with rapid, eager breaths. “That OK?”
“Oh Ennis,” Jack said, his throat constricting with this new evidence of Ennis’s tenderhearted nature. “Don’t want no one or nothin’ but you.”
Ennis braced his forearms on the bed, one on either side of Jack’s body, and pressed his lips tentatively against the subtle hollow in his chest, tracing kisses along his pectoral muscles and down the line that bisected his stomach. He shifted his weight a little lower on the bed so he could slide his hands underneath Jack’s ass and grasp one cheek firmly with each palm. Rubbing his stubbly chin against the soft skin just above Jack’s groin, Ennis breathed out over his stomach and ran his tongue into the tender cup of his navel. Jack gasped and writhed, feeling tendrils of pleasure uncurl in his belly and shoot through his groin.
Ennis inched his way higher, using his lips and tongue on Jack’s trembling torso, tugging lightly on curly chest hairs with his teeth, licking nipples until they were red and swollen.
When he reached Jack’s neck, Jack threw his head back and released a long, sighing, whistling breath. “Please, Ennis,” he whispered. “Lemme touch you now. I gotta feel you too.”
Ennis, propped over him on his elbows, smiled down and leaned in to, finally, fit his lips against Jack’s. They kissed slowly at first, rolling tongues together, smoothing their lips against one another’s faces, until Jack couldn’t hold back any longer and pulled Ennis’s head toward him, tasting blood where teeth had met tongue.
“Ready for it?” Ennis whispered, and Jack could do nothing but agree. Ennis rolled onto his side and took Jack’s hands into his, pulling them down his own sides and around to the hard-muscled contours of his ass. “I want you, Jack,” he said, so quietly that his breath was barely audible in Jack’s ear. “In me.”
“You have me,” Jack whispered back. “Always.” He reached to one side, fumbling for the tube left on the nightstand, then nudging Ennis over a bit so he could reach himself. The feel of his own hands, smoothing on the lubricant, nearly sent him over the edge. He paused for a moment, catching his breath, and nipped playfully at Ennis’s shoulder.
“Hey,” Ennis said, his own breathing coming hard and fast. “No fair bitin’ if you’re not givin’ in return.”
“Oh, I’m givin’,” Jack said, laughing. “I’m fixin’ to give it to you real good.” When he turned on his side to spoon up against Ennis’s back, however, his feelings of levity vanished. Ennis’s skin was warm and damp, his shoulders broad and strong. All Jack wanted to do was spend the rest of his life right here, in this bed, pressed up against the body of this man. The only thing he could do tonight was make it last long as possible and give Ennis some sense of the starry vistas that unfolded before Jack when they looked into one another’s eyes.
Ennis pushed back against Jack, his breath catching at the back of his throat, and Jack responded by smoothing his hands down Ennis’s smooth, firm flesh, feeling the corded bones of his spine, his flat strong shoulder blades, the ripe curve of his ass. He squeezed and stroked, massaged and coaxed, until he could feel Ennis relaxing under his hands, his opening parting for Jack’s fingers.
Jack squeezed a little more of the lube onto his fingers, rubbed his hands together to warm the cool substance, and slipped one finger gently inside Ennis. Jerking suddenly upward, Ennis moaned low and long, sounding like an animal left out in the cold too long.
“Hey. Hey,” Jack said, his hand on the side of Ennis’s neck. “It’s all right.”
“Know it,” Ennis said hoarsely. “Jus’-jus’ do-more. OK?”
Jack kissed Ennis’s shoulders and ran one moist finger down the middle of his back before slipping it back inside. When Ennis started to make regular grunting sounds, undulating his hips and gripping his own thighs, Jack knew he was ready. He put one hand on the back of Ennis’s upper thigh, pushed it gently upward, and slid inside. Pleasure slammed into him in a red-hot wave, melding his body against Ennis’s. He could tell from the sudden intake of Ennis’s breath that he felt it too. Reaching around, he slid his hand slowly across Ennis’s stomach and down to his groin, tangling his fingers in the coarse, curly hairs and brushing the palm of his hand across the tip of Ennis’s dick. Ennis shivered and cried out, dropping his head back against Jack’s shoulder. Jack raised up on the mattress a little so he could slide his other arm under Ennis’s body. He rubbed circles on Ennis’s belly with one hand while the other went to work between Ennis’s legs, stroking his dripping length in time with the thrusts of his own hips.
When it came, the end was brilliant, catastrophic, breathtaking. Jack clutched Ennis to his chest and sucked in air, dimly aware that his mouth was hanging open and his knees were digging into the backs of Ennis’s legs. Ennis’s hands were pressing Jack’s into his own groin and belly; he panted in an increasing crescendo until his climax overtook him and his entire body spasmed. Jack heard a long, guttural groan that tapered off into a whimper. He pulled out gently and fell onto his back. After a few moments, Ennis turned toward him and they shifted positions, until Jack was curled inside the other man’s solid arms.
They lay wrapped around one another in silence for a time. The wind was beginning to howl outside. Jack could hear branches scratching erratically against the windowpanes. He shut his eyes and pulled Ennis’s arm more tightly around himself, searching for a way to imprint this moment as completely as possible on his brain, a solace against the lonely days ahead. Ennis leaned in to brush his lips against Jack’s ear, sending a thrill of shivers up the center of his back. Warm and comforted for the time being, Jack allowed himself to drift, relaxing into Ennis’s embrace, and sleep.
Suddenly a voice spoke out of the dark. Jack was jolted into consciousness.
“I been thinkin’.”
“Well, first time for everythin’, so they say.” Jack smiled to himself.
“‘M serious, Jack. Was thinkin’-maybe I could come with you.”
“Come with me? Where?”
“To Childress.”
Jack rolled away from Ennis and turned to face him. “Are you outta your mind? You wanna go there? With me?”
“Why not? I met Lureen already. Seems like a nice lady.”
“Yeah, you met her, and all she knew was that you was a friend, lookin’ for me, doin’ what she probably thought she oughta be doin’ herself. If you was to show up with me now, me all healthy ‘n bright-eyed, she might start thinkin’ somethin’ else is goin’ on.” Jack sighed and ran one hand back through his hair. “She’s a lotta things, but she sure ain’t stupid. Think she’s gotta wonder why I turned her down so many times back at home. Just couldn’t always . . . you know . . . when I had to be with her. Used to be I’d think a you, ‘n that’d help some, but when you ‘n me had hard words, that last time, I stopped feelin’ like bein’ in bed much in that way. At all.”
Ennis sat up and edged closer to Jack. “I jus’.” He swallowed, looked away. “I jus’ can’t say goodbye to you again. Been thinkin’ on it a good bit since that last time. The life I’ve got, it’s not much like livin. Was pretty near dead these last few months, ‘n I don’t wanna be that way no more. Not with you still livin’ in this world.” He put a hand on Jack’s shoulder and squeezed gently, his thumb working against the tense muscles. “I ever tell you ‘bout that dream I had?”
“What dream?” Jack looked at him, amazed at the layers of Ennis Del Mar’s tough exterior that had just peeled away over the last few hours.
“Don’t matter, really. It jus’ come on me, when I was sittin’, drinkin’ some coffee one day, that I only got one chance to do right by the people in my life. I spent so much time worryin’ ‘bout how to do right by Alma ‘n the girls that I did everybody wrong. Time for me to see what you need for a change.”
Jack started to protest, to tell Ennis he’d be back in a week or two anyway, but Ennis shook his head. “No, Jack. I gotta go with you now. If I don’t help you with this problem right now, it’ll just be easier for you to handle things without me later. You gotta need me, rodeo.” He looked down and mumbled something that Jack didn’t catch.
“What was that, cowboy?”
“Like I need you.” Ennis’s eyes were wet and hungry, as raw as Jack had ever seen them.
Slowly Jack nodded. “You really mean this?”
“Yup.”
“‘Kay, then. We’ll leave at dawn.”
Fifteen hours later, they were standing on the front steps of Jack’s house in Childress. Jack raised one hand as if to knock, then caught himself, grinning sheepishly. “Still got my key,” he said. He unlocked the bolt, twisted the knob, and turned to Ennis. “Comin’?”
“Yeah,” Ennis said. He walked in behind Jack and looked around the living room while Jack was pulling mail out of the slot in the center of the door. “Hey. Little man. What’re you doin’ here all alone?” Before Jack could react, Ennis took two long strides across the room and scooped Bobby up. He had been sitting in the doorway to the dark and silent kitchen.
Rating: R
Credit: Annie Proulx and Diana Ossana & Larry McMurtry. Thanks also to all the many incredibly talented writers out there who inspired me to finally write something myself-Madlori, Jenna, montana-crows, Cathalin, midwest-girl, debutante9, maidenofthesea, marakeshsparrow, louisev, amtamburo, midget-size, testa-dura, and many others. Finally, thank you very very much to Christine, my friend and beta and fellow ennisjack aficionado.
Feedback: Any and all appreciated, at my lj or at shieldmaid@gmail.com.
Special thanks to Christine, who was so patient during this looong writing hiatus. :)
Chapter Thirteen: Worlds Fall
Jack stood in the doorway, looking down at Ennis for a long moment. He wanted to remember their time together as long as he could, knowing that it would be coming to a bitter end in just a few hours.
Ennis’s face was pale, suddenly gaunt and stretched, mirroring the shock no doubt written across Jack’s own. He looked down at the hands clasped in his lap and swallowed so hard Jack could see the muscles in his throat clench. “Guess you’ll . . . you’ll have to be leavin’, then,” he said, his voice barely pitched above a whisper.
Jack sighed and stepped into the room so he could shut the door behind him. “Yeah,” he said. “I done Lureen a lotta wrong by just up ‘n leavin’ her to come up here. Maybe this’s my way a payin’ what I owe her at last.” He paused, frowned, tapped the toe of one boot against the bare boards of the floor. “Though it’s hard for me to see-been a while since we been together . . . in that way, I mean. Well, don’t doubt she’s the one who’d know. I been wrong before, wouldn’t a been in this situation otherwise.”
Ennis put one hand on each thigh and stood up slowly, as though his back hurt him. He didn’t look at Jack. “Alma’ll be wonderin’ where the hell I am too.” He coughed and cleared his throat. “Ranch can’t run itself, best get back ‘fore they decide to replace me with some no-count roughneck.”
In a flash, Jack was across the room and standing in front of Ennis. “Hey,” he said, cupping one hand under Ennis’s chin and tilting his head up. “Told Lureen I’d be headin’ back in the mornin’, no point killin’ myself in the dark. You can . . . stay a little longer, can’t you? Leave when I do, at first light?”
When Ennis finally raised his eyes to look at Jack, they were dark and swimming with tears. “Reckon I can manage that,” he said gruffly. He sniffed, seemed to gather himself. “Might hafta eat somethin’, though. You rode me hard ‘n put me away wet.” He paused, then winked solemnly, the corners of his mouth quirking into a faint smile.
Jack was startled to see this rare evidence of humor at so painful a moment. Warmth spread across his chest, and he could feel a grin stretching his face. “Thinkin’ the same thing myself, friend,” he replied. “I gotta go talk to Julia ‘bout gettin’ a leave a absence, but after that I can pick up some supplies from the dinin’ hall ‘n bring ‘em back here. ‘Less you wanna go eat down there with the guys.”
“Don’t think so,” Ennis said, staring directly into his eyes. “Rather spend what time I got left with you.”
His gaze was so frank that Jack felt himself begin to harden. He backed toward the door, grinning. “Better go while I still can. You got a way a makin’ me forget my own name, sometimes. Be right back, OK?”
“OK,” Ennis said. “I’ll be waitin’.”
When Jack reached the front office, Amber was sitting in the dispatcher’s chair, painting her fingernails a garish purple and cracking her gum loudly. The chemical scent of her nail polish made Jack’s eyes water. “Seen Julia?” he asked.
“Eating dinner, I think,” Amber replied. She didn’t look up from the desk, where she was stroking polish carefully across one long, pointed nail. The sight, so reminiscent of Lureen, settled a weight of unhappy memories in Jack’s very bones. “Said she’d be back at six so I can take my break.”
“It’s 6:15,” Jack pointed out. “Did she say where she was goin’?”
“Down to the dining hall, I guess.” Amber twisted in her seat to look at him. “Why do you care, Jack? And aren’t you supposed to be out on patrol tonight?”
“Somethin’ came up,” Jack said. “Now I gotta go home tomorrow, for a family emergency. Need to find out ‘bout takin’ a leave.”
“Well, go look down the hill. That’s all I can tell you.” Amber, losing interest, turned back to the desk and began waving her hand vigorously in the air.
Jack escaped gratefully out the front door. Standing on the porch for a moment, he could hear faint laughter floating up the hill from the bunkhouse and common hall. The night was cold and clear, stars sparking in the black sky like chunks of broken glass on a tarry road. At this altitude, he could almost imagine stepping off the porch and into the sky itself, walking up the broad path of the horizon into another world entirely. A world where Ennis wouldn’t be afraid to follow him, where his wife and son could accept the choices he’d made that didn’t include them, where they could all be happy and safe. He rubbed the back of one hand across his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut against the fierce burn of unwelcome tears.
When Jack reached the bottom of the hill, he found Julia standing on the porch of the common hall with her arms locked around the waist of a tall man. The porch was wrapped in shadows, but when the couple heard the approaching click of Jack’s boots on the gravel path, they drew apart and Jack identified her partner as Mark Goodpastor, one of the senior rangers.
“Jack!” Julia said, a smile lilting her voice. “You know Mark, right?”
“Yeah,” Jack said. “Good to see you.” They shook hands. “You doin’ all right after the fire?”
“Fine,” Mark said. His face was serious but pleasant, strongly angled at his jaw and cheekbones. “Just glad this crisis is over, at least.”
“Can I help you with something, Jack?” Julia was looking at him with bright eyes.
“Yeah, uh . . . Got a bit of a situation at home, need to head back for a few days. Wanted to find out ‘bout gettin’ a leave so’s I can hold onto my job up here. That OK?” Jack shoved his hands into his pockets and forced himself to stand still. He was already antsy about having left Ennis by himself for even this short length of time. Wouldn’t be surprised if the man spooked again and headed for the hills before they could work out exactly what they were going to do next.
“Oh, Jack,” Julia said, sympathy warming her voice. “I’m so sorry to hear that. Is Bobby OK?”
“Yeah, Bobby’s fine, thank god. It’s somethin’ else . . . somethin’ with Lureen. Anyway, better get back there so’s I can help her deal with it.” Jack bit into his lower lip, willing Julia not to ask any more questions.
“Well, there’s a form you can fill out-Request for Leave of Absence. It’s filed under R in my bottom drawer. Just be sure to include how long you’ll be gone, contact information, and your signature at the bottom. As long as you’re not going to be away for more than a month, that should do it.” Julia squeezed Mark’s arm and tilted her head to one side, looking at Jack.
“Thanks, Julia. Should I bring it back down here to you? You takin’ the rest a the night off?” Jack felt steady enough again to crack a brief smile.
“No.” Julia sighed. “I’d better get back up there or Amber will let the whole mountain crumble down around us. Just leave it on the desk when you go.” She looked up at Mark and smiled.
“‘Kay, then.” Jack turned to go but stopped when he felt Julia’s hand on his arm.
“Jack? Don’t stay away too long, OK? I think we’ll all be missing you. And I don’t just mean us here at the station.” She winked at him and punched him lightly on the shoulder before turning back to Mark.
“Thanks.” Jack’s cheeks felt warm. He cleared his throat and looked away, then back up again as a thought struck him. “Hey, think there’s any grub left over from dinner? Don’t think Ennis ate nothin’ all day, ‘n we’re both starvin’.”
“Sure,” Julia said, her back to Jack. “Check in the kitchen. You can usually get leftovers from Chuck or Wanda.”
Ten minutes later, Jack jogged back up the hill, his arms full of wrapped sandwiches, tubs of coleslaw, and bottled soda. His heart was already racing as he thought of his last few precious hours with Ennis and the difficult day that lay ahead of him tomorrow. How to explain this latest development to Ennis, how to make him see . . . that this didn’t have to be the end of them. They could work it out somehow. Had to.
When Jack reached the tiny bedroom again, Ennis was lying on the bed, his boots on and his hat tipped over his face. His breathing was heavy and regular; his arms were crossed on his chest, fingers curled loosely. “Hey, cowboy,” Jack said softly, nudging him in the calf with the toe of his boot. “You hungry?”
“Hmm?” Ennis’s voice was groggy and distant. “I was dreamin’.”
“‘Bout what?” Jack set the food down on the nightstand and looked around for a fork, any kind of utensil, the one thing he’d forgotten to bring up with him.
“Dunno . . . you was there, ‘n Bobby, ‘n Winston. Not sure what we was doin’, though.” Ennis shook his head a little and sat up, knocking his hat to the floor.
“Who’s Winston? Should I be jealous?” Jack smiled at him from his own position on one of the orange chairs. He loved seeing sleepy Ennis. Early morning and late night were generally the only times when Ennis allowed Jack to see him in a fully relaxed state, free of inhibitions and unworried by the world around them.
“Naw, just a guy works on the ranch with me. The one got hurt last week, remember I was tellin’ you that?” Ennis yawned and stretched his arms over his head. Then he brought his hands to his hips and frowned at Jack, as if seeing him for the first time. “What’s that you got there? Feel like sharin’?”
“Course,” Jack said. “You want turkey or roast beef? Or both? Tried to get us somethin’ hot but this was all they had left.”
“Both sounds good.”
They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes, passing coleslaw back and forth and flicking the bottle caps at one another. Finally Ennis got Jack square in the chest, and Jack yelped. “Hey, that one hurt!”
Ennis only grinned and tipped up his bottle to drain the rest of its contents, looking at Jack cross-eyed through the wavy glass bottom. “Couldn’t get no beer, huh?”
“Don’t let us have too much up here. Afraid somethin’ might happen they can’t control, I guess. And anyway.” Jack shrugged. “I ain’t been drinkin’ much lately myself.”
“Yeah,” Ennis said, his expression suddenly soft. “Forgot ‘bout that.”
“Got somethin’ better in mind, though.”
“What’s that?”
“Whyn’t you scoot your ass over ‘n make room for me?” Jack yawned until his eyes watered. “So stuffed now I need a nap.”
Ennis chuckled but edged over to the far side of the bed, leaving his arm extended along the bed’s headboard. Jack sat down next to him and leaned back, feeling Ennis’s fingers stroke tentatively through his hair. “This what you want, Jack?” Ennis’s voice was so quiet Jack almost thought he’d imagined it.
“This is good, Ennis.” Jack turned his head and kissed the man’s forearm. “But you know what I really want?”
“Yeah?”
“Want you to touch me.” Silence. “All over. Think you can do that? Need you to-give me somethin’ to remember you by, when I’m back in Childress.”
“Yeah, Jack. I can do that.”
They stood and undressed in silence on opposite sides of the bed, their shy silence and furtive glances at one another reminding Jack of the third night they’d spent together, the night when they’d gone into their tent up on Brokeback together for the first time. When they were finished, they stood gazing at one another across the narrow, rumpled coverlet.
Ennis spoke first. “Lay down.”
Jack bent to pull the quilt down and then stretched out on top of the sheet, looking up at Ennis. His skin felt warm and tingly from head to toe, as though he’d just run a mile or stepped out of a stinging hot shower. Ennis took a deep breath, then knelt at the foot of the bed, taking one of Jack’s feet in each hand and resting his forehead on the tumbled quilt. For a moment Jack felt almost alarmed-was Ennis having some kind of breakdown?-but then Ennis raised his head, met Jack’s eyes, and smiled. Jack started to sit up, to reach for him, but Ennis shook his head.
Jack lay back again and let his eyes drift to the ceiling, relaxed and content for the time being just to be sharing this silent, private space with Ennis. Soon, however, a light tickle on the sole of his left foot jerked him out of his reverie, and he looked down the bed to the other man. Ennis was cupping Jack’s foot lightly, looking down at it like he’d never seen such a precious sight before. As Jack watched, he began to massage it lightly, rubbing his thumbs into the always sore ball of his foot and stroking his fingers up and down the smooth skin on top. He repeated this unexpected luxury on the other foot, too, before sliding his hands up to encircle Jack’s ankles. He rotated the ankles gently, first one way and then the other, working out kinks Jack hadn’t even known he had. Then he slid his hands slowly up until he was cupping Jack’s calves in his two hands.
“Still hard as a rock, rodeo,” Ennis mumbled, his eyes on Jack’s legs.
“That’s not all that’s hard as a rock,” Jack said with a chuckle. Ennis’s ministrations were making the hair stand up on his arms, and he was nearly panting with need.
But Ennis didn’t smile. He leaned down and kissed Jack’s shins, one after the other, running his tongue slowly up and down the hard bone with its thin covering of skin. His big hands squeezed Jack’s calves again, coaxing the tension out of the knotted muscles. Jack sighed and closed his eyes, feeling Ennis’s hands moving slowly up the backs of his legs until they reached the sensitive skin at the backs of his knees. Ennis’s fingers traced delicate circles on this usually forgotten area, moving gradually closer and closer to Jack’s inner thighs. By the time Ennis’s hands closed over the meat of his thighs and began a gentle but firm squeeze-and-pull motion, Jack’s midsection felt like a pool of molten lava. He was so hard it almost hurt.
But Ennis skipped his groin entirely, moving his hands-fingers stroking slow circles all the while-up over Jack’s sides. He didn’t linger over the firm muscles that outlined his hipbones, knowing how ticklish that area could be, but brought his hands inward instead, rubbing his fingers carefully up and down the taut belly. Jack shifted and let out an involuntary groan.
“Know you said you’re full up from supper,” Ennis murmured. “Ain’t hurtin’ you, am I?”
“No,” Jack panted. “Wouldn’t exactly call this hurtin’, though I sure could use some relief.”
“I wanna . . . kiss you,” Ennis said softly, looking down at Jack’s body, his chest rising and falling with rapid, eager breaths. “That OK?”
“Oh Ennis,” Jack said, his throat constricting with this new evidence of Ennis’s tenderhearted nature. “Don’t want no one or nothin’ but you.”
Ennis braced his forearms on the bed, one on either side of Jack’s body, and pressed his lips tentatively against the subtle hollow in his chest, tracing kisses along his pectoral muscles and down the line that bisected his stomach. He shifted his weight a little lower on the bed so he could slide his hands underneath Jack’s ass and grasp one cheek firmly with each palm. Rubbing his stubbly chin against the soft skin just above Jack’s groin, Ennis breathed out over his stomach and ran his tongue into the tender cup of his navel. Jack gasped and writhed, feeling tendrils of pleasure uncurl in his belly and shoot through his groin.
Ennis inched his way higher, using his lips and tongue on Jack’s trembling torso, tugging lightly on curly chest hairs with his teeth, licking nipples until they were red and swollen.
When he reached Jack’s neck, Jack threw his head back and released a long, sighing, whistling breath. “Please, Ennis,” he whispered. “Lemme touch you now. I gotta feel you too.”
Ennis, propped over him on his elbows, smiled down and leaned in to, finally, fit his lips against Jack’s. They kissed slowly at first, rolling tongues together, smoothing their lips against one another’s faces, until Jack couldn’t hold back any longer and pulled Ennis’s head toward him, tasting blood where teeth had met tongue.
“Ready for it?” Ennis whispered, and Jack could do nothing but agree. Ennis rolled onto his side and took Jack’s hands into his, pulling them down his own sides and around to the hard-muscled contours of his ass. “I want you, Jack,” he said, so quietly that his breath was barely audible in Jack’s ear. “In me.”
“You have me,” Jack whispered back. “Always.” He reached to one side, fumbling for the tube left on the nightstand, then nudging Ennis over a bit so he could reach himself. The feel of his own hands, smoothing on the lubricant, nearly sent him over the edge. He paused for a moment, catching his breath, and nipped playfully at Ennis’s shoulder.
“Hey,” Ennis said, his own breathing coming hard and fast. “No fair bitin’ if you’re not givin’ in return.”
“Oh, I’m givin’,” Jack said, laughing. “I’m fixin’ to give it to you real good.” When he turned on his side to spoon up against Ennis’s back, however, his feelings of levity vanished. Ennis’s skin was warm and damp, his shoulders broad and strong. All Jack wanted to do was spend the rest of his life right here, in this bed, pressed up against the body of this man. The only thing he could do tonight was make it last long as possible and give Ennis some sense of the starry vistas that unfolded before Jack when they looked into one another’s eyes.
Ennis pushed back against Jack, his breath catching at the back of his throat, and Jack responded by smoothing his hands down Ennis’s smooth, firm flesh, feeling the corded bones of his spine, his flat strong shoulder blades, the ripe curve of his ass. He squeezed and stroked, massaged and coaxed, until he could feel Ennis relaxing under his hands, his opening parting for Jack’s fingers.
Jack squeezed a little more of the lube onto his fingers, rubbed his hands together to warm the cool substance, and slipped one finger gently inside Ennis. Jerking suddenly upward, Ennis moaned low and long, sounding like an animal left out in the cold too long.
“Hey. Hey,” Jack said, his hand on the side of Ennis’s neck. “It’s all right.”
“Know it,” Ennis said hoarsely. “Jus’-jus’ do-more. OK?”
Jack kissed Ennis’s shoulders and ran one moist finger down the middle of his back before slipping it back inside. When Ennis started to make regular grunting sounds, undulating his hips and gripping his own thighs, Jack knew he was ready. He put one hand on the back of Ennis’s upper thigh, pushed it gently upward, and slid inside. Pleasure slammed into him in a red-hot wave, melding his body against Ennis’s. He could tell from the sudden intake of Ennis’s breath that he felt it too. Reaching around, he slid his hand slowly across Ennis’s stomach and down to his groin, tangling his fingers in the coarse, curly hairs and brushing the palm of his hand across the tip of Ennis’s dick. Ennis shivered and cried out, dropping his head back against Jack’s shoulder. Jack raised up on the mattress a little so he could slide his other arm under Ennis’s body. He rubbed circles on Ennis’s belly with one hand while the other went to work between Ennis’s legs, stroking his dripping length in time with the thrusts of his own hips.
When it came, the end was brilliant, catastrophic, breathtaking. Jack clutched Ennis to his chest and sucked in air, dimly aware that his mouth was hanging open and his knees were digging into the backs of Ennis’s legs. Ennis’s hands were pressing Jack’s into his own groin and belly; he panted in an increasing crescendo until his climax overtook him and his entire body spasmed. Jack heard a long, guttural groan that tapered off into a whimper. He pulled out gently and fell onto his back. After a few moments, Ennis turned toward him and they shifted positions, until Jack was curled inside the other man’s solid arms.
They lay wrapped around one another in silence for a time. The wind was beginning to howl outside. Jack could hear branches scratching erratically against the windowpanes. He shut his eyes and pulled Ennis’s arm more tightly around himself, searching for a way to imprint this moment as completely as possible on his brain, a solace against the lonely days ahead. Ennis leaned in to brush his lips against Jack’s ear, sending a thrill of shivers up the center of his back. Warm and comforted for the time being, Jack allowed himself to drift, relaxing into Ennis’s embrace, and sleep.
Suddenly a voice spoke out of the dark. Jack was jolted into consciousness.
“I been thinkin’.”
“Well, first time for everythin’, so they say.” Jack smiled to himself.
“‘M serious, Jack. Was thinkin’-maybe I could come with you.”
“Come with me? Where?”
“To Childress.”
Jack rolled away from Ennis and turned to face him. “Are you outta your mind? You wanna go there? With me?”
“Why not? I met Lureen already. Seems like a nice lady.”
“Yeah, you met her, and all she knew was that you was a friend, lookin’ for me, doin’ what she probably thought she oughta be doin’ herself. If you was to show up with me now, me all healthy ‘n bright-eyed, she might start thinkin’ somethin’ else is goin’ on.” Jack sighed and ran one hand back through his hair. “She’s a lotta things, but she sure ain’t stupid. Think she’s gotta wonder why I turned her down so many times back at home. Just couldn’t always . . . you know . . . when I had to be with her. Used to be I’d think a you, ‘n that’d help some, but when you ‘n me had hard words, that last time, I stopped feelin’ like bein’ in bed much in that way. At all.”
Ennis sat up and edged closer to Jack. “I jus’.” He swallowed, looked away. “I jus’ can’t say goodbye to you again. Been thinkin’ on it a good bit since that last time. The life I’ve got, it’s not much like livin. Was pretty near dead these last few months, ‘n I don’t wanna be that way no more. Not with you still livin’ in this world.” He put a hand on Jack’s shoulder and squeezed gently, his thumb working against the tense muscles. “I ever tell you ‘bout that dream I had?”
“What dream?” Jack looked at him, amazed at the layers of Ennis Del Mar’s tough exterior that had just peeled away over the last few hours.
“Don’t matter, really. It jus’ come on me, when I was sittin’, drinkin’ some coffee one day, that I only got one chance to do right by the people in my life. I spent so much time worryin’ ‘bout how to do right by Alma ‘n the girls that I did everybody wrong. Time for me to see what you need for a change.”
Jack started to protest, to tell Ennis he’d be back in a week or two anyway, but Ennis shook his head. “No, Jack. I gotta go with you now. If I don’t help you with this problem right now, it’ll just be easier for you to handle things without me later. You gotta need me, rodeo.” He looked down and mumbled something that Jack didn’t catch.
“What was that, cowboy?”
“Like I need you.” Ennis’s eyes were wet and hungry, as raw as Jack had ever seen them.
Slowly Jack nodded. “You really mean this?”
“Yup.”
“‘Kay, then. We’ll leave at dawn.”
Fifteen hours later, they were standing on the front steps of Jack’s house in Childress. Jack raised one hand as if to knock, then caught himself, grinning sheepishly. “Still got my key,” he said. He unlocked the bolt, twisted the knob, and turned to Ennis. “Comin’?”
“Yeah,” Ennis said. He walked in behind Jack and looked around the living room while Jack was pulling mail out of the slot in the center of the door. “Hey. Little man. What’re you doin’ here all alone?” Before Jack could react, Ennis took two long strides across the room and scooped Bobby up. He had been sitting in the doorway to the dark and silent kitchen.