Scared of Life
A few months back I had a big scare in the family. It was a big wake up call to me and I realized then how childish I was acting. My mom had slept with a man she liked very, very much. She had known him for a few months and they were getting along great. We didn't have enough money to pay off the power bill so he said we could stay at his place for a few days.
Well, we stayed one night. The next day my mom found out the guy she had liked had AIDS. I remember her calling me up on the phone, crying, and I panicked. I didn't know what was going on and I thought one of my brothers had been hurt, or kidnapped, or any other number of terrible scenarios going through my mind. A few minutes later she picked me up and we went to the hospital. That was when she broke the news to me.
We ended up having to leave the emergency room to see our doctor. The doctor drew my mom's blood and said we would have to wait 3-4 days before we knew if my mom had it or not. Let me say now, it felt both like a nightmare and if the light were brighter around my mom. I remember her calling up my brother and telling him what was going on.
Mom cried a lot during the first couple of hours. The next day was a Saturday, so we went out. I remember looking at her in a new light and just trying to remember everything about her. I noticed the way she wrinkled her nose or scowled when I said something she didn't like. It was strange how I suddenly came to appreciate my mom during those days. While I love her, I never knew I LOVED her that much. How I was berating myself on the inside for not listening to her when I was a teenager. What kind of cruel person I was for ever having made her cry the way I did when I was younger?
Thoughts kept running through my mind of how I would support my younger brother, (Let's call him Makai) since he's only six years old. I had promised my mom if something ever happened to her I would take care of Makai. I've always thought of him as my son since I was fifteen when he was born. At the time I didn't have a job or anyway to support myself or a six year old child. I rely entirely on my mom for everything up until now. What would I do when she was gone? Who would help me out if I was unable to care for him? Would Makai be taken away to live with his father or put into foster care?
Thankfully, Monday finally rolled around and mom and I cried when we found out she didn't have AIDS. We were so grateful, so glad, I just couldn't stop.
My moral? Well, I don't know if there is one. There are plenty yes, no doubt. But after that it was as if I suddenly grew up. I went out and within a two months I finally managed to get a job. It's minimum wage and I'll admit, I don't like evening shift but I like it. Just this week my paycheck put food on the table for the first time and gas in the car for my mom. It was an exhilarting feeling being able to help provide even though it was just a little bit. My mom touched my hand on the way home looked at me and said, "I'm so proud of you for getting a job." I didn't tell her the reason I finally grew up and got one was because I realized I wouldn't have her with me forever.
I had looked for jobs before, but I never really tried. Now, though, I'm looking for a second job as well. I'm still in college earning my degree, putting money in the bank. Soon I'm hoping to have a higher paying job working in an office. I guess I'm mostly amazed by how one incident could make me change so drastically. Similar to when my Dad threw me out when I was nineteen. But that was probably the best thing my father ever did for me. If he hadn't I wouldn't have met the man of my dreams or finally be writing novels now.
It's funny how life works out I think.
Well, we stayed one night. The next day my mom found out the guy she had liked had AIDS. I remember her calling me up on the phone, crying, and I panicked. I didn't know what was going on and I thought one of my brothers had been hurt, or kidnapped, or any other number of terrible scenarios going through my mind. A few minutes later she picked me up and we went to the hospital. That was when she broke the news to me.
We ended up having to leave the emergency room to see our doctor. The doctor drew my mom's blood and said we would have to wait 3-4 days before we knew if my mom had it or not. Let me say now, it felt both like a nightmare and if the light were brighter around my mom. I remember her calling up my brother and telling him what was going on.
Mom cried a lot during the first couple of hours. The next day was a Saturday, so we went out. I remember looking at her in a new light and just trying to remember everything about her. I noticed the way she wrinkled her nose or scowled when I said something she didn't like. It was strange how I suddenly came to appreciate my mom during those days. While I love her, I never knew I LOVED her that much. How I was berating myself on the inside for not listening to her when I was a teenager. What kind of cruel person I was for ever having made her cry the way I did when I was younger?
Thoughts kept running through my mind of how I would support my younger brother, (Let's call him Makai) since he's only six years old. I had promised my mom if something ever happened to her I would take care of Makai. I've always thought of him as my son since I was fifteen when he was born. At the time I didn't have a job or anyway to support myself or a six year old child. I rely entirely on my mom for everything up until now. What would I do when she was gone? Who would help me out if I was unable to care for him? Would Makai be taken away to live with his father or put into foster care?
Thankfully, Monday finally rolled around and mom and I cried when we found out she didn't have AIDS. We were so grateful, so glad, I just couldn't stop.
My moral? Well, I don't know if there is one. There are plenty yes, no doubt. But after that it was as if I suddenly grew up. I went out and within a two months I finally managed to get a job. It's minimum wage and I'll admit, I don't like evening shift but I like it. Just this week my paycheck put food on the table for the first time and gas in the car for my mom. It was an exhilarting feeling being able to help provide even though it was just a little bit. My mom touched my hand on the way home looked at me and said, "I'm so proud of you for getting a job." I didn't tell her the reason I finally grew up and got one was because I realized I wouldn't have her with me forever.
I had looked for jobs before, but I never really tried. Now, though, I'm looking for a second job as well. I'm still in college earning my degree, putting money in the bank. Soon I'm hoping to have a higher paying job working in an office. I guess I'm mostly amazed by how one incident could make me change so drastically. Similar to when my Dad threw me out when I was nineteen. But that was probably the best thing my father ever did for me. If he hadn't I wouldn't have met the man of my dreams or finally be writing novels now.
It's funny how life works out I think.