(no subject)
Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.
...tonight is the last night. I have a flight booked for tomorrow afternoon to go to NC to visit a friend. Zach knew of the flight. Perhaps that's why he chose this weekend to move. ..so that upon my return I would come home to a lonely home.
He's moving back to MI. I don't think he was going to tell me about it. When I confronted him about the moving out thing, he made it seem as if he was moving out at the end of May and announced he had intentions of telling me on Friday (tomorrow)..when he knew I wouldn't be here. Which leads me to believe he was going to tell me about MI then or not at all. Probably then...in an effort to ruin my weekend.
I'm not sure if I'm going to NC or not now. I haven't even packed. I was a basketcase today. It took a lot of busy work to get me through the day. When 4:00 hit, I was out of busy work and didn't care to take care of other work issues. I just wanted to leave. I broke down, but soon calmed myself. When 4:30 hit and it was time for me to leave, I only wished the day wasn't over. I didn't want to face tonight. As I got up out of my chair I burst into tears, but hid in the confines of Jesse's cubes, his arms wrapped around me in an effort to comfort me.
Jesse, who is tired of hearing the same drama about my relationship, told me "Jess, I don't like seeing you like this. You gotta do what your heart tells you to do. You know more than anyone what you and Zach had, both good and bad. If it upsets you this much, maybe you should fight for it." I was surprised to hear that from him. Not that he bad mouths Zach or anything...but rather he points out that Zach and I just don't work together. I dunno...
I'm still at a loss as to what to do. Maybe I'll sit here in shock as I did last night when I found out that Zach was moving back to MI over the weekend. I dunno... Fuck the numbness highly traced with sadness. All I can do is feel numb and stare at the fucking walls or cry. It sucks.
I briefly spoke with Keeyahtay via IM last night but all my fingers could type out is "it hurts." Over and over again... I said more, but not much more.
I don't know what to do. Regret either way. Catch 22. Lose/lose situation. Do I let go of it and let the passing be easy for us or do I fight for something I'm not totally sure of...not totally sure of it based on the past week of my life. The hot to cold baffles me....I can't comprehend it, therefore I can't be sure of this relationship...how can he break up with me one night and then declare his love for me the next? It's understandable that I'm confused and distant, right?
I dunno....he should be home soon. I don't know what to do. All I want to do is rewind. I could also go for a joint right now...mellowness is good.
I'm fighting myself to get you outta my head, but I'm hanging on to every word you said..."
...tonight is the last night. I have a flight booked for tomorrow afternoon to go to NC to visit a friend. Zach knew of the flight. Perhaps that's why he chose this weekend to move. ..so that upon my return I would come home to a lonely home.
He's moving back to MI. I don't think he was going to tell me about it. When I confronted him about the moving out thing, he made it seem as if he was moving out at the end of May and announced he had intentions of telling me on Friday (tomorrow)..when he knew I wouldn't be here. Which leads me to believe he was going to tell me about MI then or not at all. Probably then...in an effort to ruin my weekend.
I'm not sure if I'm going to NC or not now. I haven't even packed. I was a basketcase today. It took a lot of busy work to get me through the day. When 4:00 hit, I was out of busy work and didn't care to take care of other work issues. I just wanted to leave. I broke down, but soon calmed myself. When 4:30 hit and it was time for me to leave, I only wished the day wasn't over. I didn't want to face tonight. As I got up out of my chair I burst into tears, but hid in the confines of Jesse's cubes, his arms wrapped around me in an effort to comfort me.
Jesse, who is tired of hearing the same drama about my relationship, told me "Jess, I don't like seeing you like this. You gotta do what your heart tells you to do. You know more than anyone what you and Zach had, both good and bad. If it upsets you this much, maybe you should fight for it." I was surprised to hear that from him. Not that he bad mouths Zach or anything...but rather he points out that Zach and I just don't work together. I dunno...
I'm still at a loss as to what to do. Maybe I'll sit here in shock as I did last night when I found out that Zach was moving back to MI over the weekend. I dunno... Fuck the numbness highly traced with sadness. All I can do is feel numb and stare at the fucking walls or cry. It sucks.
I briefly spoke with Keeyahtay via IM last night but all my fingers could type out is "it hurts." Over and over again... I said more, but not much more.
I don't know what to do. Regret either way. Catch 22. Lose/lose situation. Do I let go of it and let the passing be easy for us or do I fight for something I'm not totally sure of...not totally sure of it based on the past week of my life. The hot to cold baffles me....I can't comprehend it, therefore I can't be sure of this relationship...how can he break up with me one night and then declare his love for me the next? It's understandable that I'm confused and distant, right?
I dunno....he should be home soon. I don't know what to do. All I want to do is rewind. I could also go for a joint right now...mellowness is good.
I'm fighting myself to get you outta my head, but I'm hanging on to every word you said..."