(no subject)

[sheslikemercury]

This time of the year, because the seasons are changing and the year is on the brink of extinction, I always lose it. I just lose grip. I just wish I could be a little better. A little prettier, a little smarter, a little thinner, a little more like anyone else. I always shit all over my self-confidence because change is so apparent in everything but me, and I'm so desperate for something new. For things to make more sense. This time of the year I always get so frustrated because I can't understand what's happening and I just want to give up sometimes. To just call it quits and sleep on some beach in Tijuana. To forget everything I've ever promised anyone or myself and just drink, smoke, fuck my way out of reality. This time of the year I always wonder why I try so fucking hard to do all these things when ultimately, we're all in the same bitch of a grave, anyways. What am I doing, you know? Why do I bother anymore. This time of year always makes me wonder why no matter how much I try, there's still this arms length distance between myself and everyone around me. Why it's virtually impossible for me to bend at the elbows and allow myself to go crashing into something else, something extraordinary. Extra ordinary. I don't even think that's the word I wanted to use because that's not the feeling I want. Ordinary. I want someone who is medicine, and finds me just as addicting. -a list of lately - -borderline obsession with the magnetic fields & spending almost every night falling into bed listening to the I album. -marvelling at how drugs can disable tears. -a little more than flighty about boys, giving up on anyone after a matter of days. -asking him for a cigarette and when he offers to buy me a pack replying with "well, i don't smoke". -my mother observing and telling me how when she was in her 20s she was told boys were scared off by her abrasiveness, too. bonding. -missing a lot of old friends. somehow wanting to fix and forget. -nerves,nerves,nerves. -there is probably a hole in my stomach lining. -wishing i was healthier&happier, honestly, no more wallowing. -i'm going to try to be better at returning phonecalls. -"everybody here wants you"- jeff buckley on repeat. -opening up polaroids that i had wrapped in tissue paper & ribbon - too stubborn to throw out but too bruised to look at. -remembering mistakes i've made, smiling & shaking my head. -better luck next time around?