I can just tell that this post is going to be a depressing one..
I don't remember the last time I can honestly say, that I was truely happy...
Go figure.
Two years ago maybe....before all this shit started...or ended I should say.
I miss my friends, I miss my REAL friends. I don't think I even have any anymore.
Ever since...yeah, ever since then
fairytales don't always have a happy ending do they?
nope.
Years ago, I would have given anything to be where I am today. Anything. I always dreamed of the future, of this place I am in today, I had such high hopes. I was in such a rush to get my childhood over and done with, I raced through it, thinking that being older, more mature, having more responsibilities, and more things to worry about ; would be the best thing in the world.
But its challenging. And I feel absolutly ridiculous in saying that. Becasue I jknow that there are so many other people out there struggling, that are in a much worse position then I'm in, so I suppose I shoudl be thankful, but fuck it. I'm being selfish for once, and allowing myself to wallow in my pityful existance.
I miss Beth, and Maria and Chole. None should ever have to go through burying their friends. Noone.
And the people I've lost, that friendship, will never be found again. They're one of a kind, and our bonds were something special. everlasting. And yeah, sometimes it gets too much. Sometimes I don't want to 'handle it'
And there are one million and one ways out....Any day, any second. But I don't want to go down that road again.
Why am I never happy? I have everything I've ever wanted , well, *most* of everything I've ever wanted. And I know others would kill my position. I'm just never satisfied.
I'm always thinking ahead, never satisfied with what I have in the present time. Always aiming higher, always getting further away... I'm like a fucking recluse. If it wasn't for work and study, i'd just live away from everybody.
Because if I never learn to love them, they wont hurt me when they leave...and they always leave. And no matter how many people I surround myself with, I awlays feel alone. This huge fuckin wall I've built around me protects me, yet destroys me at the same time. And fuck it sound so emo, but I wish I could just show people the real me, and not be so afraid. So afraid that I'll dissapoint them, so afaraid that they'll see I'm a fraud (I don't know why I feel that way, but I do) so afraid that maybe I'll learn to love them.
And don't want to love them. Because in the end, you're inevitably alone, so why bother. Why put myself through that. I don't want to lose anymore people.
Whatev. I can't be fucked running a spellcheck. Cleansing fast. starting now.
I don't want to be this person anymore.
Go figure.
Two years ago maybe....before all this shit started...or ended I should say.
I miss my friends, I miss my REAL friends. I don't think I even have any anymore.
Ever since...yeah, ever since then
fairytales don't always have a happy ending do they?
nope.
Years ago, I would have given anything to be where I am today. Anything. I always dreamed of the future, of this place I am in today, I had such high hopes. I was in such a rush to get my childhood over and done with, I raced through it, thinking that being older, more mature, having more responsibilities, and more things to worry about ; would be the best thing in the world.
But its challenging. And I feel absolutly ridiculous in saying that. Becasue I jknow that there are so many other people out there struggling, that are in a much worse position then I'm in, so I suppose I shoudl be thankful, but fuck it. I'm being selfish for once, and allowing myself to wallow in my pityful existance.
I miss Beth, and Maria and Chole. None should ever have to go through burying their friends. Noone.
And the people I've lost, that friendship, will never be found again. They're one of a kind, and our bonds were something special. everlasting. And yeah, sometimes it gets too much. Sometimes I don't want to 'handle it'
And there are one million and one ways out....Any day, any second. But I don't want to go down that road again.
Why am I never happy? I have everything I've ever wanted , well, *most* of everything I've ever wanted. And I know others would kill my position. I'm just never satisfied.
I'm always thinking ahead, never satisfied with what I have in the present time. Always aiming higher, always getting further away... I'm like a fucking recluse. If it wasn't for work and study, i'd just live away from everybody.
Because if I never learn to love them, they wont hurt me when they leave...and they always leave. And no matter how many people I surround myself with, I awlays feel alone. This huge fuckin wall I've built around me protects me, yet destroys me at the same time. And fuck it sound so emo, but I wish I could just show people the real me, and not be so afraid. So afraid that I'll dissapoint them, so afaraid that they'll see I'm a fraud (I don't know why I feel that way, but I do) so afraid that maybe I'll learn to love them.
And don't want to love them. Because in the end, you're inevitably alone, so why bother. Why put myself through that. I don't want to lose anymore people.
Whatev. I can't be fucked running a spellcheck. Cleansing fast. starting now.
I don't want to be this person anymore.