This Silence is deafening..
[Note: This entry is purely made up of me getting shit off
my chest. It's to a person, but they won't ever read it,
but I'd much rather get it off my chest here instead of blowing
up on them. It would be pointless. So, don't read if you don't
want to.]
I don't understand you anymore. It all started out so fucking great.
You were like the most amazing guy I've ever met. You were such
a fucking sweetheart, even when you weren't trying to be. You told
me you wouldn't be breaking this off anytime soon. You said you loved
me, and that it was just me & you, from now & always. Well, by the looks
of things, that "anytime soon" seems to be coming sooner than I expected.
I've told you one of my deepest/darkest secrets, that only one other person
knows, who is now at peace. I trusted you with my heart, my soul, my
thoughts. I've done things for you I swore to myself I would never do, that I
was above doing any of that. Well, I did it anyways, because I did/do fucking
love you. That shit seems to have blown up in my face. Now, I haven't heard
from you in 3 fucking days, and I haven't spoken to you in 4. I don't understand
what the fuck I did that could have caused this silence. All I've done is try to
explain to you how I felt & feel. I thought that song could explain it in better ways
than I could. But, you couldn't even fucking listen to it. And, you know what.
Me being confused wasn't even half of my problems. You could of just looked up
the fucking lyrics. Here. Let me post them here. It says everything I can't, except
for the not meant to be part, because I don't feel that way. Like you said, you wouldn't
break up with me for little things, you'd try to change them & make them better.
Well, I was trying to tell you how you are. These lyrics explain exactly what I'm feeling:
"Not Meant To Be"-Theory Of A Deadman
It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between what you wanted from me
And knowing that if I give that to you
I might just disappear
Nobody wins when everyone's losing
[Chorus:]
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
It's never enough to say I love you
No, it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe
That's theres no way out for you and me
And it seems to be the story of our lives
Nobody wins when everyone's losing
[Chorus]
There's still time to turn this around
You could building this up instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late
[Chorus]
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, baby I'm sorry to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
So, yeah. Those are the damn lyrics to the damn song
that would of taken you maybe 4 minutes out of your
precious time to listen to. I just don't know what to do
anymore. I feel so fucking numb now, I'm emotionless.
I wish you'd just talk to me. Even if it was to just tell me
you don't want me anymore. Atleast give me that much.
So that way I can move on. I can't just sit here like I'm in
purgatory until you one day decide to get on and tell me
this. Just please, I'm begging you. That's all I want. Is to
hear from you. I love you, and it's killing me that you may
not feel the same way anymore. I don't understand it.
But, I will accept it. Just fucking tell me. I wouldn't even
care if you have someone else now, I just need to know
that I'm useless to you now. I'll never fucking speak to you
again if that's what you want. This silence is deafening to me.
It's breaking my heart more and more each day I don't hear from
you. I wish I could make whatever it is I did better. But, saying
sorry is never enough. I can't even count the times I've said it.
I just keeping fucking up & fucking up. It's probably all my fault,
I'm probably the cause of this silence from you. I fucking am
so sorry if it is. I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted you to know
how I fucking felt. I would never want to do anything to hurt you.
You mean more to me than anyone could decipher, probably even you.
And, you were right when you said I'm a girl that needs to feel needed.
It makes me feel alive. But, now it feels I'm no longer needed. But, like
I said,time & time again in this post, I wish you'd just tell me rather
I am or not. Rather you still want me or not. Rather you still fucking love
me or not. Just please talk to me. This slience is getting louder & louder
each day..
my chest. It's to a person, but they won't ever read it,
but I'd much rather get it off my chest here instead of blowing
up on them. It would be pointless. So, don't read if you don't
want to.]
I don't understand you anymore. It all started out so fucking great.
You were like the most amazing guy I've ever met. You were such
a fucking sweetheart, even when you weren't trying to be. You told
me you wouldn't be breaking this off anytime soon. You said you loved
me, and that it was just me & you, from now & always. Well, by the looks
of things, that "anytime soon" seems to be coming sooner than I expected.
I've told you one of my deepest/darkest secrets, that only one other person
knows, who is now at peace. I trusted you with my heart, my soul, my
thoughts. I've done things for you I swore to myself I would never do, that I
was above doing any of that. Well, I did it anyways, because I did/do fucking
love you. That shit seems to have blown up in my face. Now, I haven't heard
from you in 3 fucking days, and I haven't spoken to you in 4. I don't understand
what the fuck I did that could have caused this silence. All I've done is try to
explain to you how I felt & feel. I thought that song could explain it in better ways
than I could. But, you couldn't even fucking listen to it. And, you know what.
Me being confused wasn't even half of my problems. You could of just looked up
the fucking lyrics. Here. Let me post them here. It says everything I can't, except
for the not meant to be part, because I don't feel that way. Like you said, you wouldn't
break up with me for little things, you'd try to change them & make them better.
Well, I was trying to tell you how you are. These lyrics explain exactly what I'm feeling:
"Not Meant To Be"-Theory Of A Deadman
It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between what you wanted from me
And knowing that if I give that to you
I might just disappear
Nobody wins when everyone's losing
[Chorus:]
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
It's never enough to say I love you
No, it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe
That's theres no way out for you and me
And it seems to be the story of our lives
Nobody wins when everyone's losing
[Chorus]
There's still time to turn this around
You could building this up instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late
[Chorus]
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, baby I'm sorry to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
So, yeah. Those are the damn lyrics to the damn song
that would of taken you maybe 4 minutes out of your
precious time to listen to. I just don't know what to do
anymore. I feel so fucking numb now, I'm emotionless.
I wish you'd just talk to me. Even if it was to just tell me
you don't want me anymore. Atleast give me that much.
So that way I can move on. I can't just sit here like I'm in
purgatory until you one day decide to get on and tell me
this. Just please, I'm begging you. That's all I want. Is to
hear from you. I love you, and it's killing me that you may
not feel the same way anymore. I don't understand it.
But, I will accept it. Just fucking tell me. I wouldn't even
care if you have someone else now, I just need to know
that I'm useless to you now. I'll never fucking speak to you
again if that's what you want. This silence is deafening to me.
It's breaking my heart more and more each day I don't hear from
you. I wish I could make whatever it is I did better. But, saying
sorry is never enough. I can't even count the times I've said it.
I just keeping fucking up & fucking up. It's probably all my fault,
I'm probably the cause of this silence from you. I fucking am
so sorry if it is. I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted you to know
how I fucking felt. I would never want to do anything to hurt you.
You mean more to me than anyone could decipher, probably even you.
And, you were right when you said I'm a girl that needs to feel needed.
It makes me feel alive. But, now it feels I'm no longer needed. But, like
I said,time & time again in this post, I wish you'd just tell me rather
I am or not. Rather you still want me or not. Rather you still fucking love
me or not. Just please talk to me. This slience is getting louder & louder
each day..