My Heart Got Raped a Little Bit...
I got a message from Simon.
It's odd because I'd also gotten a message from Caleb who wanted to say hello and complain that my myspace page is friends-only. I checked my inbox and saw a message from someone with no photo whose name was "S." so I opened it and it just said "..." so I went to the page. The tag line was "with a belt" which is something Wesley Willis used to say that I used to say and in the about me was a clip from the Mikado, a play we worked on shortly before we broke up. Then scrolling down there was this written in the heroes section:
I have not forgotten you. And I've never been in love as much as I was with you. I miss that. Seriously. So much it hurts. Hurts like, oh I don't know, like leaving a school, then hearing that, just after you left, everyone there won free Segways, sneakers and John Cameron Mitchel backstage passes. Hurts like all those people who broke up with celebrities before they were famous. Hurts like the kinda love story we're forced to read about in a college English class. This mythic, unfathomable story. Now I know why cutters cut themselves and druggies keep justifying it. They once felt something like what we had, but then had it taken away are now just trying to feel... something... as powerful. I think about you and pray for you; I hope for only the best for you. I do. If I were dying of a degenerative bone disorder and the Make-A-Wish Foundation gave me whatever I wanted, I'd want us to be friends. I know we can't. But I can still want to be friends. Sometimes it's enough to want it. I love you, kiddo.
For the past 4 years I've been operating under the assumption that he hated me and was trash-talking about how crazy I am. Secretly I'd listen to the Tommy Gnosis version of Wicked Littlle Town and pretend it was him singing it to me. Forgive me for I did not know, cuz I was just a boy and you were so much more than any God could ever plan, more than a woman or a man, and now I understand how much I took from you. And instead of some message saying just Hi or something here is a big beautiful olive branch basically saying hey... I have regrets and sorry.
I'm very happy with Chris. In fact we're going to Myrtle Beach this Saturday and I spent all day yesterday curled up beside him. We saw the Sex and the City Movie (eh... it had moments) and held hands the entire movie. It's still very odd when someone comes back into your life because it forces you to remember who you used to be years ago. I felt like I was in two places at once and had to keep hold of my touchstones here in the present.
I sent him a message back saying basically that I'd like it if we talked again as friends and said I'd like for us to catch up. I could write a book about the past 4 years. I've learned about karaoke, met my best friends (Keri, Katie, etc), had my wrist cut open and stitched back together, hosted a burlesque troupe, designed tattoos for people, learned how to sew, stopped smoking, had my grandmother die, lived on my own, been a punk, been conservative (at work anyway), been to New York again, been overseas, had friends have babies... actually lots of babies, started reading manga, taken some photos... There's so much.