(no subject)
No. I am not about to do that. I am not about to curl up and fall victim. I want to sleep, sleep, be entertaining, fascinating, following the leader and being the leader, all around the mulberry bush. Ashes, ashes.
This is exhausting, this emotional exhertion. I miss you and everything. I want to be done with this, even though I love it. I want to be 29, married, a mother. I want the things I cannot name, nor speak were they to have one. I want to be seen as an adult, a child, Lord knows I'll always act like one. I want the world to think similarly different to me, not conformity, not homogeneity, just a variation on a scale of my opinions. The farthest I'd go either way. I want to agree with the general population.
I want to stop stupidity, and make race and gender and size and age and sex and orientation and status and beauty inconsequential. And Gender and Sex are different, as we know. As we know.
This is exhausting, this mothering of the Earth. I can't change you, I can't make you stop or go or want or want not. I have no power over the rotation of the Earth. But I feel responsible for it's failure to please everyone. Lord, I want it to please everyone. If everyone were happy, I could stop making excuses for my own unhappiness. If you were happy, I could be, too. I could stop worrying if I'll wake up without you. A horrible death, by your own hand or someone else's.
I'll take responsibility either way. I care too much whether you live or die. Yes you. Anyone. If you die, I've failed you. If I die, I've failed you. I want this baggage to stop. I want to feel free, no strings.
I want to disattach my heart from the destruction of others. I want to wake up, with only me in mind. I want to be selfish for a day. I want you to be happy no matter what, so I can fully enjoy the fleeting happy moments I recieve.
But most of all, I want to fall.
Ashes, ashes.
We all fall down.
This is exhausting, this emotional exhertion. I miss you and everything. I want to be done with this, even though I love it. I want to be 29, married, a mother. I want the things I cannot name, nor speak were they to have one. I want to be seen as an adult, a child, Lord knows I'll always act like one. I want the world to think similarly different to me, not conformity, not homogeneity, just a variation on a scale of my opinions. The farthest I'd go either way. I want to agree with the general population.
I want to stop stupidity, and make race and gender and size and age and sex and orientation and status and beauty inconsequential. And Gender and Sex are different, as we know. As we know.
This is exhausting, this mothering of the Earth. I can't change you, I can't make you stop or go or want or want not. I have no power over the rotation of the Earth. But I feel responsible for it's failure to please everyone. Lord, I want it to please everyone. If everyone were happy, I could stop making excuses for my own unhappiness. If you were happy, I could be, too. I could stop worrying if I'll wake up without you. A horrible death, by your own hand or someone else's.
I'll take responsibility either way. I care too much whether you live or die. Yes you. Anyone. If you die, I've failed you. If I die, I've failed you. I want this baggage to stop. I want to feel free, no strings.
I want to disattach my heart from the destruction of others. I want to wake up, with only me in mind. I want to be selfish for a day. I want you to be happy no matter what, so I can fully enjoy the fleeting happy moments I recieve.
But most of all, I want to fall.
Ashes, ashes.
We all fall down.