WARNING: Don't read if participating in Sherlockbbc fic swap 1/?
anonymous
August 20 2012, 11:24:02 UTC
I honestly don't know what to think of this. It was the best among a list of 'prompts' that I really had an issue writing. I'm not saying it's crap because I'm looking for...whatever...but it isn't my best work. It was like pulling teeth for me to write this.
It's a very very Third Star AU(a movie that I did not like and had several issues with.) and discussion of sherlock's return--with molly working for moriarty.
I use a speech to text program and have made as many corrections as I can in regards to this.
Just be honest. Considering what the prompter wanted, and the way they worded their request...I tried to match it. ----------- Loss of Verse 2,126 words Warnings: Character death.
Sherlock hadn't shut up from the moment they left the flat. John knew that he knew. And Sherlock knew that he knew that he knew. And round and round the issue like a poisoned pill
( ... )
WARNING: Don't read if participating in Sherlockbbc fic swap 2/?
anonymous
August 20 2012, 11:48:59 UTC
"You always pout and moan. 'John I can't go to the Tesco.' 'John, it's so tedious' and John do. Every. Fucking. Thing. For. Me! John, I can be a heartless bastard because I don't understand!" John wavered and fell to the ground
( ... )
WARNING: Don't read if participating in Sherlockbbc fic swap 4/?
anonymous
August 20 2012, 11:56:42 UTC
Sherlock's voice was steady, yet his eyes kept blinking rapidly. "You know, when he said your name that was it. If he'd said Mrs. Hudson or just Lestrade I never would have jumped?"
"It was your name. I knew when I went up there that I might have to jump. I didn't know why, but I knew I might. And yes, I did trust her. And the thing is, I don't know why. I don't know why I trusted her with the most important act, the most important secret-"
"Not a sociopath." John muttered.
"-Secret of all. And no." Sherlock moved his legs so he was sitting cross-legged. "I didn't know. I never knew. All those months and I never knew. I never guessed. Why would I?" Sherlock paused to gaze at John. "I may have jumped but he pushed me. And he also saved me
( ... )
WARNING: Don't read if participating in Sherlockbbc fic swap 5/5
anonymous
August 20 2012, 11:59:52 UTC
Sherlock sat up and stared at John. "No. It's ours." He stood, almost proud that he accomplished it with his own form of grace. "Ours." Sherlock bent and offered his hand to John, he helped John to stand.
Sherlock grabbed John's shoulders and pulled him harshly towards himself. Johns arms hung lax against his body. He didn't raise them until Sherlock's grasp turned from a simple hold to one that resembled a man clutching onto something in desperation to stay alive.
Re: WARNING: Don't read if participating in Sherlockbbc fic swap 5/5
anonymous
August 21 2012, 09:00:14 UTC
1) Typo - missing an apostrophe in 'Sherlock pressed his lips against Johns'.
2) I don't like the sentences fragments in the last line, especially 'But what stayed with him every day'.
Possible re-wording: He remembered it all, but what stayed with him every day - what helped as he woke in the night smelling the salt air, feeling the pressure of holding John down - was the fact that not once did John ever express fear.
Re: WARNING: Don't read if participating in Sherlockbbc fic swap 4/?
anonymous
August 21 2012, 08:53:00 UTC
Two tiny nitpicks:
1) typo on 'backround'
2) There's just something off to me about saying 'University and primary school' - I think it draws attention to the gap in between. I'd just say primary school as that's more impressive.
Re: WARNING: Don't read if participating in Sherlockbbc fic swap 2/?
anonymous
August 21 2012, 08:46:43 UTC
me again...
1) Dialogue as above. Sentences within dialogue still need closing punctuation marks, e.g.
"Go on."
2) I think you need apostrophes around 'John do. Every. Fucking. Thing. For. Me!' and 'John, I can be a heartless bastard because I don't understand!' (as well as the quotation marks).
3) The eyes dialogue is hilarious :).
4) Another dialogue one:
Sherlock breathed deeply "and people hate me for it."
should be
Sherlock breathed deeply. "And people hate me for it."
5) You've italicised quite a few words for emphasis and might want to think about removing the italics on some (my personal taste, but I'd keep 'worthless', 'you', 'you' and ditch 'pushed', 'understand' and 'loved').
Re: WARNING: Don't read if participating in Sherlockbbc fic swap 1/?
anonymous
August 20 2012, 11:53:55 UTC
Good on you anon for putting the effort in for the prompter! It seems fine to me.
Without having watched Third Star I'm afraid I can't help too much, but I noticed the following:
1) hard drive, not hardrive 2) 'til or until, not 'till 3) You're not punctuating dialogue correctly. For example:
"You know" John called after him "if you'd said that..
should be
"You know," John called after him, "If you'd said that ...
and
"It was a dark and not-at-all stormy night" Sherlock whispered.
should have a comma after night.
4) The second-to-last line seems a little OOC for John - he gets angry at Sherlock all the time, but I can't quite see him being that mean. However, that might be from the film.
5) The last line doesn't quite sound right to me. How do you blink towards someone? And what else could Sherlock be blinking with apart from his eyes? Could you just replace it with 'Sherlock blinked at John'?
4) The second-to-last line seems a little OOC for John - he gets angry at Sherlock all the time, but I can't quite see him being that mean. However, that might be from the film.
One of the main reasons I had such an issue with the film is because I hated the character of James. I felt no sympathy for him. I thought him an ego-centric, cruel, thoughtless, prick. I was actually glad when he died--though I was sickened by the way he went about his death. ( I understand people at the end of a teminal disease, in pain and with no "life" wanting to end it on their own terms. However James went about it in a horrifically cruel and thoughtless way--but thats how I saw the film. And I respect those who liked it)
As someone who has a terminal disease (cystic fibrosis) I was shocked and disgusted by the film.
I don't see John acting that way either--but James screams to all his friends about their faults...so I thought having John scream to Sherlock about his faults had another nod to the film
How about a slight tweak? I think that if you take out the 'mocked' then it'll still show the meanness while being a bit more John-like, and a contrast between John's calm voice and words he's saying will heighten the impact.
"Oh," said John with deceptive mildness, "Is that supposed to make me feel bad for you? Did the poor, lonely sociopath have his feelings hurt?"
It's a very very Third Star AU(a movie that I did not like and had several issues with.) and discussion of sherlock's return--with molly working for moriarty.
I use a speech to text program and have made as many corrections as I can in regards to this.
Just be honest. Considering what the prompter wanted, and the way they worded their request...I tried to match it.
-----------
Loss of Verse
2,126 words
Warnings: Character death.
Sherlock hadn't shut up from the moment they left the flat. John knew that he knew. And Sherlock knew that he knew that he knew. And round and round the issue like a poisoned pill ( ... )
Reply
Reply
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"It was your name. I knew when I went up there that I might have to jump. I didn't know why, but I knew I might. And yes, I did trust her. And the thing is, I don't know why. I don't know why I trusted her with the most important act, the most important secret-"
"Not a sociopath." John muttered.
"-Secret of all. And no." Sherlock moved his legs so he was sitting cross-legged. "I didn't know. I never knew. All those months and I never knew. I never guessed. Why would I?" Sherlock paused to gaze at John. "I may have jumped but he pushed me. And he also saved me ( ... )
Reply
Sherlock grabbed John's shoulders and pulled him harshly towards himself. Johns arms hung lax against his body. He didn't raise them until Sherlock's grasp turned from a simple hold to one that resembled a man clutching onto something in desperation to stay alive.
"Is the sun really rising ( ... )
Reply
2) I don't like the sentences fragments in the last line, especially 'But what stayed with him every day'.
Possible re-wording: He remembered it all, but what stayed with him every day - what helped as he woke in the night smelling the salt air, feeling the pressure of holding John down - was the fact that not once did John ever express fear.
Reply
1) typo on 'backround'
2) There's just something off to me about saying 'University and primary school' - I think it draws attention to the gap in between. I'd just say primary school as that's more impressive.
Reply
Reply
1) Dialogue as above. Sentences within dialogue still need closing punctuation marks, e.g.
"Go on."
2) I think you need apostrophes around 'John do. Every. Fucking. Thing. For. Me!' and 'John, I can be a heartless bastard because I don't understand!' (as well as the quotation marks).
3) The eyes dialogue is hilarious :).
4) Another dialogue one:
Sherlock breathed deeply "and people hate me for it."
should be
Sherlock breathed deeply. "And people hate me for it."
5) You've italicised quite a few words for emphasis and might want to think about removing the italics on some (my personal taste, but I'd keep 'worthless', 'you', 'you' and ditch 'pushed', 'understand' and 'loved').
Reply
Without having watched Third Star I'm afraid I can't help too much, but I noticed the following:
1) hard drive, not hardrive
2) 'til or until, not 'till
3) You're not punctuating dialogue correctly. For example:
"You know" John called after him "if you'd said that..
should be
"You know," John called after him, "If you'd said that ...
and
"It was a dark and not-at-all stormy night" Sherlock whispered.
should have a comma after night.
4) The second-to-last line seems a little OOC for John - he gets angry at Sherlock all the time, but I can't quite see him being that mean. However, that might be from the film.
5) The last line doesn't quite sound right to me. How do you blink towards someone? And what else could Sherlock be blinking with apart from his eyes? Could you just replace it with 'Sherlock blinked at John'?
Good luck!
Reply
As for this:
4) The second-to-last line seems a little OOC for John - he gets angry at Sherlock all the time, but I can't quite see him being that mean. However, that might be from the film.
One of the main reasons I had such an issue with the film is because I hated the character of James. I felt no sympathy for him. I thought him an ego-centric, cruel, thoughtless, prick. I was actually glad when he died--though I was sickened by the way he went about his death. ( I understand people at the end of a teminal disease, in pain and with no "life" wanting to end it on their own terms. However James went about it in a horrifically cruel and thoughtless way--but thats how I saw the film. And I respect those who liked it)
As someone who has a terminal disease (cystic fibrosis) I was shocked and disgusted by the film.
I don't see John acting that way either--but James screams to all his friends about their faults...so I thought having John scream to Sherlock about his faults had another nod to the film
Reply
How about a slight tweak? I think that if you take out the 'mocked' then it'll still show the meanness while being a bit more John-like, and a contrast between John's calm voice and words he's saying will heighten the impact.
"Oh," said John with deceptive mildness, "Is that supposed to make me feel bad for you? Did the poor, lonely sociopath have his feelings hurt?"
Reply
Much better. Thank you.
And the rest of it? (thank you again for all this help)
Reply
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