(no subject)
so its time i start being honest with myself and start telling people how i really feel, rather than just saying everythings ok.
everything is not ok.
over the past few years, and much, much more so in the last few month, i've started to feel like the Fibro is taking over. it feels like i've gone from being stephy to being the girl in pain. i've started to honestly feel sick i don't even know who i am anymore outside of the pain. i've always thought of myself as a strong person and that has kept me going, i believe that is the only thing that really matters is that i stay strong. and for the first time in my life, i feel weak. i don't even know how to handle that. i hate the person i have become.....and its the first time in my life that i acutally doubt it will all be ok in the end. i've always had faith, somehow, that it will all work out and it will be worth it. i have always had that faith and don't know how to be without it. its not even a faith in something bigger than myself. i don't belive in any sort of god or omnipotent being, but i did have faith in that things work out. what do you do when you loose faith in yourself?
one of the worst things has been the mental fog and the fact that i'm not able to handle school. not to be pompus, but i've always thought of myself as a rather intelligent person and have never really had problems in school. sure i would procrastinate and not always have school as a major priority, but i got by. i even did well. nothin like graduating from a top-ranking high school with a 3.2 to boost the ego. and even though i had add, i was able to get shit done, relatively well even.........i'm not that person any more, no matter how much i want to be. i can't even handle dealing with a fuckin yoga class! every day i feel more and more useless. its amazing how much of society is based on education and that it is a primary part of how people think about and even judge other people. i feel like i've let so many people down, especially in my family. i know that a lot of people will love me no matter what, but i still can't help but feel like i've failed them. i want to be better, i want to be smarter, i want to be able to think more clearly. why can't i?
when i first got sick, they put me on Elivil and Neurontin. Within 6 months, i gained 20 pounds, and continued to gain for several years after that. i've never been able to get away from that. its the main reason why i have so much trouble loosing weight, and keeping it off. it really hurts my self-esteem, probably more than it should, but i can't control that. ever since i was 12, i've thought of myself as overweight and it seems to get worse every year. especially since high school, even though i wasn't too slim them. how am i supposed to feel good about myself when i feel this way?
my self-confidence has always been fragile, anid even barely there. all of these things knock it down a bit more. many of my friends tell me that i shouldn't be so hard on myself and that i should have great confidence in my self (and than you very much to all of you, can't tell you what it means to me) but i can never really believe it. i don't even think i handle things very well, i don't think i'm useful. i don't think i'm attractive, never mind sexy. i do think that i'm a good friend and have a good personality, but everyday that feeling fades. every time i don't answer a phone call, don't respond to a message or e-mail, don't contact thoes i want to so badly, i loose faith in that. and its not that i want to do any of those things, i want to with all my heart and soul....i just can't.
there is one small glimmer of hope. i found this place call the Fibromyalgia and Fatigue Center. they say they can help quite a bit, and i've found quite positive reviews on websites not associated with them at all, so its fairly reliable. they do a crap-load of blood tests, spend at least an hour going over your symptoms and past medical history and often reccomend natural suplements. they try to fix your sleep and lower your pain, maybe even work on the mental fog. they say that they can help. they say they can make you better. but possibly getting better is basically inconsivable to me. i should be excited, exstatic even. but i'm so nervous. i don't think i can afford to get my hopes up and then have it not work. it would crush me, probably beyond repair.
it seems like i'm constantly trying to get better and start to feel a bit more hopeful, but something always goes wrong. i went to the psychiatrist again a few months ago, something i've been needed to do for over a year. i was so proud of myself! i thought this might be the first step to improving, this might be the way to get better. i started an intensive outpatient program for people with major depression. i went the first week, and then just couldn't bring myself to any more. i couldn't do it, and i don't know why. i've missed countless doctor's appointments, as well as any other type of commitment. i want to get better, but i don't know how. i need to get better, i have to get better. but i just can't.
and i can't believe it and it seems like i shouldn't be, but i'm almost scared to get better. all i know is how to be in pain and how to base everything around that. i think of how long can i hang out with people until i get over tired. how long i go out before i start to hurt to much. how long i can be anywhere other than curled up in my bed almost sobbing into the pillow. i don't know how to think without thinking about it. i don't know what my life would be without it. and sure, i might never really get fully better, but i'm scared to become an actual functioning person. what if i fail? i'll have nothing to blame it on but myself, and i can't handle that right now. i don't know if i could keep on going.
often i'll look through facebook, trying to live vicariously through my friends who have the lives i dream of. i wish i could be like them, but even if i was to suddenly become what i've dreamed, i wouldn't know how.
it just feels like i've failed
and no i'm not suicidal, i realize how many people i have in my life and i care about them far to much to hurt them like that. i just don't know how to keep going...
to those who have been there for me past and present....i thank you. you are what makes it all worth it. i shall never forget what you all have done for me.
to those i've lost contact with.....i truly am sorry. i've wanted to do something about it so bad for each and every one of you....i just don't know how. maybe this will give you a little bit of insight about what's been going on. its not that i don't love you all, because i really and truly do....but not even that can change things right now.
to those who continue to harass me even though i have so many issues.....you're crazy, but i love you and appreciate everything you do.
gabe's response after insulting me: if i didn't make fun of every little thing, how would you know i secretly love them?
(sorry for the overabundance of commas, i tend to do that when i'm writing stream-of-consiousness ;))
everything is not ok.
over the past few years, and much, much more so in the last few month, i've started to feel like the Fibro is taking over. it feels like i've gone from being stephy to being the girl in pain. i've started to honestly feel sick i don't even know who i am anymore outside of the pain. i've always thought of myself as a strong person and that has kept me going, i believe that is the only thing that really matters is that i stay strong. and for the first time in my life, i feel weak. i don't even know how to handle that. i hate the person i have become.....and its the first time in my life that i acutally doubt it will all be ok in the end. i've always had faith, somehow, that it will all work out and it will be worth it. i have always had that faith and don't know how to be without it. its not even a faith in something bigger than myself. i don't belive in any sort of god or omnipotent being, but i did have faith in that things work out. what do you do when you loose faith in yourself?
one of the worst things has been the mental fog and the fact that i'm not able to handle school. not to be pompus, but i've always thought of myself as a rather intelligent person and have never really had problems in school. sure i would procrastinate and not always have school as a major priority, but i got by. i even did well. nothin like graduating from a top-ranking high school with a 3.2 to boost the ego. and even though i had add, i was able to get shit done, relatively well even.........i'm not that person any more, no matter how much i want to be. i can't even handle dealing with a fuckin yoga class! every day i feel more and more useless. its amazing how much of society is based on education and that it is a primary part of how people think about and even judge other people. i feel like i've let so many people down, especially in my family. i know that a lot of people will love me no matter what, but i still can't help but feel like i've failed them. i want to be better, i want to be smarter, i want to be able to think more clearly. why can't i?
when i first got sick, they put me on Elivil and Neurontin. Within 6 months, i gained 20 pounds, and continued to gain for several years after that. i've never been able to get away from that. its the main reason why i have so much trouble loosing weight, and keeping it off. it really hurts my self-esteem, probably more than it should, but i can't control that. ever since i was 12, i've thought of myself as overweight and it seems to get worse every year. especially since high school, even though i wasn't too slim them. how am i supposed to feel good about myself when i feel this way?
my self-confidence has always been fragile, anid even barely there. all of these things knock it down a bit more. many of my friends tell me that i shouldn't be so hard on myself and that i should have great confidence in my self (and than you very much to all of you, can't tell you what it means to me) but i can never really believe it. i don't even think i handle things very well, i don't think i'm useful. i don't think i'm attractive, never mind sexy. i do think that i'm a good friend and have a good personality, but everyday that feeling fades. every time i don't answer a phone call, don't respond to a message or e-mail, don't contact thoes i want to so badly, i loose faith in that. and its not that i want to do any of those things, i want to with all my heart and soul....i just can't.
there is one small glimmer of hope. i found this place call the Fibromyalgia and Fatigue Center. they say they can help quite a bit, and i've found quite positive reviews on websites not associated with them at all, so its fairly reliable. they do a crap-load of blood tests, spend at least an hour going over your symptoms and past medical history and often reccomend natural suplements. they try to fix your sleep and lower your pain, maybe even work on the mental fog. they say that they can help. they say they can make you better. but possibly getting better is basically inconsivable to me. i should be excited, exstatic even. but i'm so nervous. i don't think i can afford to get my hopes up and then have it not work. it would crush me, probably beyond repair.
it seems like i'm constantly trying to get better and start to feel a bit more hopeful, but something always goes wrong. i went to the psychiatrist again a few months ago, something i've been needed to do for over a year. i was so proud of myself! i thought this might be the first step to improving, this might be the way to get better. i started an intensive outpatient program for people with major depression. i went the first week, and then just couldn't bring myself to any more. i couldn't do it, and i don't know why. i've missed countless doctor's appointments, as well as any other type of commitment. i want to get better, but i don't know how. i need to get better, i have to get better. but i just can't.
and i can't believe it and it seems like i shouldn't be, but i'm almost scared to get better. all i know is how to be in pain and how to base everything around that. i think of how long can i hang out with people until i get over tired. how long i go out before i start to hurt to much. how long i can be anywhere other than curled up in my bed almost sobbing into the pillow. i don't know how to think without thinking about it. i don't know what my life would be without it. and sure, i might never really get fully better, but i'm scared to become an actual functioning person. what if i fail? i'll have nothing to blame it on but myself, and i can't handle that right now. i don't know if i could keep on going.
often i'll look through facebook, trying to live vicariously through my friends who have the lives i dream of. i wish i could be like them, but even if i was to suddenly become what i've dreamed, i wouldn't know how.
it just feels like i've failed
and no i'm not suicidal, i realize how many people i have in my life and i care about them far to much to hurt them like that. i just don't know how to keep going...
to those who have been there for me past and present....i thank you. you are what makes it all worth it. i shall never forget what you all have done for me.
to those i've lost contact with.....i truly am sorry. i've wanted to do something about it so bad for each and every one of you....i just don't know how. maybe this will give you a little bit of insight about what's been going on. its not that i don't love you all, because i really and truly do....but not even that can change things right now.
to those who continue to harass me even though i have so many issues.....you're crazy, but i love you and appreciate everything you do.
gabe's response after insulting me: if i didn't make fun of every little thing, how would you know i secretly love them?
(sorry for the overabundance of commas, i tend to do that when i'm writing stream-of-consiousness ;))