(no subject)
Because nobody wants to read this crap, but I need to get it out...
So I've been staying away from LJ for a little while because I feel like all I'm going to do is make whiny, 'everything sucks' posts and annoy people. I've been in a lot of pain from re-injuring my tailbone, but thankfully it's finally starting to become bearable now, almost 2 weeks later. I'm just glad I can sit relatively normal again.
This week has been fucking horrible in terms of my ED and addiction cravings and all that crap. I've binged/purged every single day this week, and I feel horrible for it. I've spent a ridiculous amount on binge food and the guilt is killing me. M doesn't even know that I'm still struggling with bulimia, and I feel like I'm lying to him when I don't tell him, but I don't want him to be disappointed in me. I don't want him to know how weak I am.
I've been craving alcohol worse than I have in a very long time. I think it's because of the pain I've been in, I just want to get wasted so I can be numb for a while. I've resisted, because I know I can't be drunk and be a good mom, and because I've fought so hard for my sobriety. But man, cravings are a bitch. I think I'm a little depressed too, which hasn't helped the ED or the fight to stay sober. *sigh* I know this will pass, it always does. Life will get better and things will get easier. I've just got a lot of family drama and physical pain kicking my ass right now.
Blah. Ok, it feels better to get that off my chest.
So, basically, I need a happy place. I watched 'The Reichenbach Fall' episode of Sherlock this morning online, foolishly thinking that it could be my happy place. I only succeeded in making myself cry for an hour and awkwardly having to explain to my 2 year old that mommy wasn't hurt, the computer just made her sad.
Watching Supernatural on Netflix is clearly the answer. Both of my kiddos are asleep, so I just have to make sure not to squeal too loudly...
So I've been staying away from LJ for a little while because I feel like all I'm going to do is make whiny, 'everything sucks' posts and annoy people. I've been in a lot of pain from re-injuring my tailbone, but thankfully it's finally starting to become bearable now, almost 2 weeks later. I'm just glad I can sit relatively normal again.
This week has been fucking horrible in terms of my ED and addiction cravings and all that crap. I've binged/purged every single day this week, and I feel horrible for it. I've spent a ridiculous amount on binge food and the guilt is killing me. M doesn't even know that I'm still struggling with bulimia, and I feel like I'm lying to him when I don't tell him, but I don't want him to be disappointed in me. I don't want him to know how weak I am.
I've been craving alcohol worse than I have in a very long time. I think it's because of the pain I've been in, I just want to get wasted so I can be numb for a while. I've resisted, because I know I can't be drunk and be a good mom, and because I've fought so hard for my sobriety. But man, cravings are a bitch. I think I'm a little depressed too, which hasn't helped the ED or the fight to stay sober. *sigh* I know this will pass, it always does. Life will get better and things will get easier. I've just got a lot of family drama and physical pain kicking my ass right now.
Blah. Ok, it feels better to get that off my chest.
So, basically, I need a happy place. I watched 'The Reichenbach Fall' episode of Sherlock this morning online, foolishly thinking that it could be my happy place. I only succeeded in making myself cry for an hour and awkwardly having to explain to my 2 year old that mommy wasn't hurt, the computer just made her sad.
Watching Supernatural on Netflix is clearly the answer. Both of my kiddos are asleep, so I just have to make sure not to squeal too loudly...