You fight me
I really can't stand it whenever certain things come up that bother me and with everything in me I don't believe or feel that they should, but for whatever reason they bring on such a rush of insecurity and anxiety and it takes so much effort to put it off or ignore it that it just locks up my entire existence... and sometime it doesn't even go away for ... hours to a day and I think the worst was like a week.
It breaks down everything it is to be me... or who I was... or maybe who I feel like I should be... I'm not sure which. I just know I hate the feeling. It feels filthy and disgusting and like I'm being thrown down to a level I know I'm above. I hate the feeling of feeling weakened, wounded, or dragged down... specifically the helplessness that comes with the fact that I can't seem to just shrug it off. I'm subject to the feeling until it decides to go away on it's own no matter what I do.
Sometimes there are other factors that play a role, but usually these days I feel .... actually the more I think about it, the more I think that might have something to do with it. Choosing to be more humane under a circumstance... maybe thats what I find so fuckin disgusting.
For one reason or another, I don't think I'll ever be quite the presence I want to be (or maybe am somewhere deep inside) and I'll just have to make do with what I've come to find myself to be on the outside. Maybe this is all remnants of childish dreaming...
All I know is I feel gross right now and I don't like it...
It breaks down everything it is to be me... or who I was... or maybe who I feel like I should be... I'm not sure which. I just know I hate the feeling. It feels filthy and disgusting and like I'm being thrown down to a level I know I'm above. I hate the feeling of feeling weakened, wounded, or dragged down... specifically the helplessness that comes with the fact that I can't seem to just shrug it off. I'm subject to the feeling until it decides to go away on it's own no matter what I do.
Sometimes there are other factors that play a role, but usually these days I feel .... actually the more I think about it, the more I think that might have something to do with it. Choosing to be more humane under a circumstance... maybe thats what I find so fuckin disgusting.
For one reason or another, I don't think I'll ever be quite the presence I want to be (or maybe am somewhere deep inside) and I'll just have to make do with what I've come to find myself to be on the outside. Maybe this is all remnants of childish dreaming...
All I know is I feel gross right now and I don't like it...