How am I? Oh thinking about putting my WHOLE head infront of the shotgun this time , thanks ...
Hurt , Relieved , Confused , Overstimulated , In Love , Reeling , Longing , Restless and Disassociative all at the same time. This scares me... today was the *WORST* day we've shared , misunderstanding , after hurtful words and actions. fuck I hate to feel like this. I dont know what to do minute to next . had hell trying to find my brother , but I found him at least , fought with ppl from the moment I woke pretty much and it lasted all day :/ I am so lost in that...not used to being so hurt and him as confused to it as I *sigh*
I tried very hard not to take him leaving me hurt to heart...didnt want to be hurt by it. Let it happen again and again , until I couldnt take it and snapped because of it. Whether he hurt me or no. I do NOT justify his pain with mine.
Not sure what to think... my mind is tired but too restless to sleep...so here I sit at 3 am.
I hope hes sleeping well... he was so tired and hurt when he left
*sigh*
I wish I could roll back time and jus shut my mouth instead of speaking my emotions...perhaps he wouldnt have hurt so bad...nor I for that matter :/
oh well... Hind sight and long past the point of changing .
I can sit and spout out the entire event..but that would be unheard of ...so I will shorten it to this..
We've done 4 months with one day of arguing or what would could be described as that. and still we didnt fight...I got hurt and went off again. and he sat and apologized for it over and over again..
I am not sure what to believe in that...other then he meant no harm.
I do not think he does this intentionally, though sometimes I wonder if hes aware of what he does. and by the fact that he is as disassociative as I am , thats hard to tell .
nothing wrong in that...jus means ive to work harder at times to reach him then others.
*pout* I miss him horribly right now....Wish I could jus curl next to him and watch him sleep.
would make me happy and safe again.
but alas the gods dont see things my way *GRR -SNARL*
but then hey...anything worth having , is worth fighting for.
I'm jus tired of the sword so to speak....would much rather have him here or I there.
For him to remind me my manners when in front of his parents hurt me badly :(
I wouldnt disrespect his family
why is he ashamed of me?
Why does he think me without manners and respect?
I am not sure he knows that hurt :/
lots of hurtful things said today :(
am constantly reminded of what they dont like and what the dont like to talk about...
sheesh its almost like Ive have to change my very person jus to be there...and if thats the case then I wont be there...period.
I am of honor and respect...but even that has a limit.
I cannot be a door mat....its not within me to do it
*shakes her head* so confused over things...perhaps ill bring this up to him tomorrow and see what he says about it. I may have taken him wrong
but it truly seems as if he is ashamed of me
and that hurts
Gods that hurts...
*sigh* I know not what else to say....or do...
so I guess ill try to sleep...
Ciao for Now..
I tried very hard not to take him leaving me hurt to heart...didnt want to be hurt by it. Let it happen again and again , until I couldnt take it and snapped because of it. Whether he hurt me or no. I do NOT justify his pain with mine.
Not sure what to think... my mind is tired but too restless to sleep...so here I sit at 3 am.
I hope hes sleeping well... he was so tired and hurt when he left
*sigh*
I wish I could roll back time and jus shut my mouth instead of speaking my emotions...perhaps he wouldnt have hurt so bad...nor I for that matter :/
oh well... Hind sight and long past the point of changing .
I can sit and spout out the entire event..but that would be unheard of ...so I will shorten it to this..
We've done 4 months with one day of arguing or what would could be described as that. and still we didnt fight...I got hurt and went off again. and he sat and apologized for it over and over again..
I am not sure what to believe in that...other then he meant no harm.
I do not think he does this intentionally, though sometimes I wonder if hes aware of what he does. and by the fact that he is as disassociative as I am , thats hard to tell .
nothing wrong in that...jus means ive to work harder at times to reach him then others.
*pout* I miss him horribly right now....Wish I could jus curl next to him and watch him sleep.
would make me happy and safe again.
but alas the gods dont see things my way *GRR -SNARL*
but then hey...anything worth having , is worth fighting for.
I'm jus tired of the sword so to speak....would much rather have him here or I there.
For him to remind me my manners when in front of his parents hurt me badly :(
I wouldnt disrespect his family
why is he ashamed of me?
Why does he think me without manners and respect?
I am not sure he knows that hurt :/
lots of hurtful things said today :(
am constantly reminded of what they dont like and what the dont like to talk about...
sheesh its almost like Ive have to change my very person jus to be there...and if thats the case then I wont be there...period.
I am of honor and respect...but even that has a limit.
I cannot be a door mat....its not within me to do it
*shakes her head* so confused over things...perhaps ill bring this up to him tomorrow and see what he says about it. I may have taken him wrong
but it truly seems as if he is ashamed of me
and that hurts
Gods that hurts...
*sigh* I know not what else to say....or do...
so I guess ill try to sleep...
Ciao for Now..