i wish i could think of lyrics to paste here
i feel horrible, absolutely horrible.
i have realised that having eleven subjects in one semester helps distract oneself - to the point the crippling anxiety that school induces effectively prevents one to constantly have in mind the crippling loneliness they had been fighting.
the problem is, the term has ended, the exam period starts in january, and i've told myself: you deserve a break!
and then i started remembering how... i don't know how to say it. how i don't have anyone to talk to? i have eda, i have brit, but... i miss people? i suppose. yes, i hate people, and social interactions drain me and cause me so bad an anxiety and make me even more self-conscious but i guess i miss how things were last summer ('13).
yes, i still felt pretty bad and hella lonely but... objectively, i wasn't alone? i miss darcia, i miss going out with her and miro and hisham and visitng her place, watching movies, drawing, talking about dogs and rats, walking the dogs, attending competitions, seeing movies. i miss darcia. and god i miss stanka. the best friend i've ever had and i miss her like hell. the comfortable silence and talking about stuff and watching shows together and stupid sudden decisions and hanging out and sending each other stuff when we're right next to each other and travelling across the country just to be together. i miss arlet and talking about literally everything and sharing headcanons and rp stuff and sending each other things and talking about things so ridiculously complicated it was a relief to get them out of my head and have them gain shape in the form of words. reading books; god, reading books and having somebody to talk about them to; listening to songs and having somebody to talk about them to.
and maybe i wouldn't be so lonely if i just write a stupid message to anyone but god i'm so fed up with being the first one to write. which is a bummer when my people - people whom i get along with the most (or at all) - are always the same kind of people, broken and self-conscious, and it shouldn't be a surprise that (consistent with their own anxieties) they aren't the first to reach out, but god. i'm so tired of annoying people, so tired of caring about people more than they care about me and getting hurt all over again.
i've been telling myself that the rule "if they don't care enough to stay in touch, i don't care enough to be hurt by it" is a great thing to prevent myself from this happening all over again and it's probably true but i still miss people from when i was less careful. the good thing about this is that i can tell myself i'm lonely because i chose it, but at the same time i still feel lonely as fuck and it sucks.
naturally, my therapist doesn't agree with this philosophy, but more importantly, i feel like she doesn't get me at all and i'm not sure i'm capable of explaining how i feel to her. though i don't think i'm ready/willing to do anything about it. maybe i just want to sit here and wallow in the loneliness and tell myself i'm well off without everyone and anyone. having no friends is great.
but i can recognise the signs now (like that i haven't eaten anything worth mentioning since day before yesterday dinner) - except i don't know what they mean. only that it's bad. but it'll pass, right? everything passes. what's the worst case scenario? i die. okay, i can live with that.