sometimes, life doesn't offer a silver lining
today was sure to suck from when i left brittany to go sleep yesterday, at four something am. i couldn't fall asleep, and that was something that hasn't happened to me for months.
i would have taken sleeping pills, but i had to get up at eight to get to the vet's office where i... let's call it "work", to keep it simple.
the snow was great, amazing, awesome. guess i could count it as a silver lining, but that could hardly balance out all the other gruesome things.
i think this is the place where i finally let go and type out the things those i've been keeping in for about two weeks now. ever since i called stanka (the other stanka, an older friend who breeds collies and is a vet) and told her about the internship i've been wanting to do, i've had doubts. she said she knew the vet in whose office i'd help out, he used to work with her and her husband on their clinic and he is a rather singular person. sometimes like honey, sometimes... downright insufferable. from the way he answered to my mails (three single threads of them, i think, in a span of the past half year), i read something was off. i blamed it on my (no, not diagnosed) ocd and inability to stand people without proper grammar / interpunction / capitalisation. my mom said he sounded alright. i tend to trust my mom. (no, this story is not going where you're starting to think it's going.)
i knew it would be hard when i saw the writings on the doorframe on the clinic that means the place has been consecrated. i don't like when i can't be myself around someone, i tend to try to leave those places quick (no wonder, i suppose). first time i visited on friday the first, the vet invited me to come and have a look and try out one day with them. i didn't like him very much, i still don't, i can't put my finger on what it is but i don't. that friday also scared me because there were too many cats and only like two dog patients. and when i told the vet i breed rats, he made a face and laughed and told me i must not bring them to work. (wtf. is that seriously the first reaction of a veterinarian??) (at least by then i knew he didn't bother reading my cv.) i went over also on monday, thursday and friday. without any pay. he said we depended on the decision of their other nurse. we agreed i would start working there with the start of march. of course, as the internship. for 120€ per month. but who cares right? who needs to work more than 20 hours a week for shitty fee when you can't even take any other legally alright part time job because as soon as you earn more than 140€ per month, you get kicked out of unemployed list and your internship is gone. welcome to slovakia.
of course there has to be more, so after the relatively alright friday, i nearly passed out on several occasions on monday and thursday and after i explained to the vet that yes, i have had those problems before, he (very logically) told me that unfortunately, he will not be able to employ me if i am not capable of doing my job, especially handling animals through examinations and blood taking and assisting him during surgeries. also, a big part of my job would be cleaning the floors (and everything else).
another thing i am not exactly fond of is... but hey, who am i to criticise his ways of doing business. yes, he only keeps the patients who are better off, scowling at patients who have less money than he would expect. his services are expensive. but the overall quality of them is, i dare say, very good. organised, unlike every other vet i've ever seen (worked with). it only upsets me because i was always one of the patients discussing the price because i never had very much money and it's a terrible idea to me that every vet i've ever been at would think of me in this same, condescending way. sigh.
and today, there was the other nurse starting her warnings. says she had been warned too, when she was starting there, by older colleagues, and she couldn't believe he could be really rude until maybe two weeks into her internship. so yeah, good to know. but... he's been "nice" till now... and he has but there's still something off on him to me... also, we agreed that i would dedicate the rest of february to visiting doctors, see if there is something to do about my low blood pressure. see if i'm fit for the job. we agreed i'd come today.
but only today, i was told that tomorrow, all four of us from the clinic are supposed to attend a photoshoot, supposedly for their webpage... except... excuse me?? my rat has been sick for the past few days. i told him i gotta take my ratty to a vet. god, you should have seen the face when i said no, he would not be the vet - after all, he said it himself he doesn't work rats, so why would he get butthurt now? i told him my rat's situation is critical and i need a specialist. he kind of nodded it off, and then told me to come tomorrow. ...do i even need to try to explain it again. i said i was busy and he went to ignore it straight away? and of course, i was going to figure something out.
now. i thought i'd go to the photoshoot, where they wanted shay, too, and darcia and eda could maybe join me in petrzalka with the rats. sweet plan, yeah? doable? yeah. except i'm so stupid. but hey, a plan nonetheless.
so from work i went to eurovea, to meet up with eda because we got free tickets for silver linings: playbook. the main character was supposed to suffer from bipolar disorder. before we even got to the movie, we had to wait forever, and then there was the attendant who started off with a kind of raffle. picking people out from the theatre. eda started to panic. i told her to calm the hell down and get realistic, we never win anything. note to self: never say never. of course i got pcked up. the attendant very keenly commented that my face was saying "leave me alone". i told him he was right. then i won the book. in slovak. it's funny because there was the bookmark that says the fault in our stars by john green will get published on first march. they changed the clouds on the front cover to hearts. i'm so ashamed to belong to this nation. just as much as when they "translated" the movie title silver linings playbook into "therapy by love".
which was my other point. i thought i would scream throught the sessions of the main character's with his therapist. people were laughing at that? when he perceived stuff as unfair towards him, like his wife cheating on him, that's funny? by the end i was so mad this was the first time in years we left the cinema before the ending credits all rolled. because i'm pretty certain you can't heal mental illness with love. you can fall in love, but there are good chances your partner will get fed up with your mood swings and worse stuff and you'll end up more alone and worse off than before. similarly, bipolar disorder is called like that because the patients go from one end of the spectrum to other in short periods of time. hence its other name: manic depressive disorder. so yeah the guy was slightly easily irritated, but i must have completely missed his "dark" times. he never even seemed properly depressed. where were the days he couldn't even get up from bed because he just wanted to die. not funny enough for cinemas? and have i mentioned that slovaks classified it as "romantic comedy"? comedy? not even eda's mom agreed with that. also, if a certain song is a trigger for you, i'm pretty certain you don't just "get over it" if you try hard enough or enough people yell at you to get over it already.
and then i came home. still running on those three hours of sleep. the snow was still beautiful. i wish certain people realised i maybe missed them, needed them when i tried talking to them. tonight, or other nights. anyway, by the time i got home though i have realised my mistake. i should have taken rory to vet's on tuesday. and when i didn't realise it was that bad until tuesday, thinking until then it was maybe just bad cuts charlie gave him, i should have done it on wednesday. not go to work. not wait until thursday. i'm such a pushover, such a fucking doormat. i promised wednesday i'll be on the clinic, helping other people's animals, and it was too hard to pick up the phone and say i can't? really? fuck.
by midnight, i've been praying for rory to please survive until morning. my favourite baby, just so i could take him to the vet's.
at one, rory started hiccupping. it was kind of funny kind of sad but i expected it from maybe amarok or bendy.
at one five, rory stopped hiccupping. when i walked over, he was already dead.
i could have helped him if i just got some fucking backbone.
i suppose despite everything, there still is that thin silver lining at the edges... nine days ago, a rat litter was born in kosice. fifteen ugly but cute healthy little pink grubs. standards, rexes, double rexes, dumbos and not... sired by rory. his second bunch of pups i've been longing for. i get the first pick, as the owner of their father. i just wish i could say the proud owner, not a fucking coward who can't say no even if it could save a life.
i would have taken sleeping pills, but i had to get up at eight to get to the vet's office where i... let's call it "work", to keep it simple.
the snow was great, amazing, awesome. guess i could count it as a silver lining, but that could hardly balance out all the other gruesome things.
i think this is the place where i finally let go and type out the things those i've been keeping in for about two weeks now. ever since i called stanka (the other stanka, an older friend who breeds collies and is a vet) and told her about the internship i've been wanting to do, i've had doubts. she said she knew the vet in whose office i'd help out, he used to work with her and her husband on their clinic and he is a rather singular person. sometimes like honey, sometimes... downright insufferable. from the way he answered to my mails (three single threads of them, i think, in a span of the past half year), i read something was off. i blamed it on my (no, not diagnosed) ocd and inability to stand people without proper grammar / interpunction / capitalisation. my mom said he sounded alright. i tend to trust my mom. (no, this story is not going where you're starting to think it's going.)
i knew it would be hard when i saw the writings on the doorframe on the clinic that means the place has been consecrated. i don't like when i can't be myself around someone, i tend to try to leave those places quick (no wonder, i suppose). first time i visited on friday the first, the vet invited me to come and have a look and try out one day with them. i didn't like him very much, i still don't, i can't put my finger on what it is but i don't. that friday also scared me because there were too many cats and only like two dog patients. and when i told the vet i breed rats, he made a face and laughed and told me i must not bring them to work. (wtf. is that seriously the first reaction of a veterinarian??) (at least by then i knew he didn't bother reading my cv.) i went over also on monday, thursday and friday. without any pay. he said we depended on the decision of their other nurse. we agreed i would start working there with the start of march. of course, as the internship. for 120€ per month. but who cares right? who needs to work more than 20 hours a week for shitty fee when you can't even take any other legally alright part time job because as soon as you earn more than 140€ per month, you get kicked out of unemployed list and your internship is gone. welcome to slovakia.
of course there has to be more, so after the relatively alright friday, i nearly passed out on several occasions on monday and thursday and after i explained to the vet that yes, i have had those problems before, he (very logically) told me that unfortunately, he will not be able to employ me if i am not capable of doing my job, especially handling animals through examinations and blood taking and assisting him during surgeries. also, a big part of my job would be cleaning the floors (and everything else).
another thing i am not exactly fond of is... but hey, who am i to criticise his ways of doing business. yes, he only keeps the patients who are better off, scowling at patients who have less money than he would expect. his services are expensive. but the overall quality of them is, i dare say, very good. organised, unlike every other vet i've ever seen (worked with). it only upsets me because i was always one of the patients discussing the price because i never had very much money and it's a terrible idea to me that every vet i've ever been at would think of me in this same, condescending way. sigh.
and today, there was the other nurse starting her warnings. says she had been warned too, when she was starting there, by older colleagues, and she couldn't believe he could be really rude until maybe two weeks into her internship. so yeah, good to know. but... he's been "nice" till now... and he has but there's still something off on him to me... also, we agreed that i would dedicate the rest of february to visiting doctors, see if there is something to do about my low blood pressure. see if i'm fit for the job. we agreed i'd come today.
but only today, i was told that tomorrow, all four of us from the clinic are supposed to attend a photoshoot, supposedly for their webpage... except... excuse me?? my rat has been sick for the past few days. i told him i gotta take my ratty to a vet. god, you should have seen the face when i said no, he would not be the vet - after all, he said it himself he doesn't work rats, so why would he get butthurt now? i told him my rat's situation is critical and i need a specialist. he kind of nodded it off, and then told me to come tomorrow. ...do i even need to try to explain it again. i said i was busy and he went to ignore it straight away? and of course, i was going to figure something out.
now. i thought i'd go to the photoshoot, where they wanted shay, too, and darcia and eda could maybe join me in petrzalka with the rats. sweet plan, yeah? doable? yeah. except i'm so stupid. but hey, a plan nonetheless.
so from work i went to eurovea, to meet up with eda because we got free tickets for silver linings: playbook. the main character was supposed to suffer from bipolar disorder. before we even got to the movie, we had to wait forever, and then there was the attendant who started off with a kind of raffle. picking people out from the theatre. eda started to panic. i told her to calm the hell down and get realistic, we never win anything. note to self: never say never. of course i got pcked up. the attendant very keenly commented that my face was saying "leave me alone". i told him he was right. then i won the book. in slovak. it's funny because there was the bookmark that says the fault in our stars by john green will get published on first march. they changed the clouds on the front cover to hearts. i'm so ashamed to belong to this nation. just as much as when they "translated" the movie title silver linings playbook into "therapy by love".
which was my other point. i thought i would scream throught the sessions of the main character's with his therapist. people were laughing at that? when he perceived stuff as unfair towards him, like his wife cheating on him, that's funny? by the end i was so mad this was the first time in years we left the cinema before the ending credits all rolled. because i'm pretty certain you can't heal mental illness with love. you can fall in love, but there are good chances your partner will get fed up with your mood swings and worse stuff and you'll end up more alone and worse off than before. similarly, bipolar disorder is called like that because the patients go from one end of the spectrum to other in short periods of time. hence its other name: manic depressive disorder. so yeah the guy was slightly easily irritated, but i must have completely missed his "dark" times. he never even seemed properly depressed. where were the days he couldn't even get up from bed because he just wanted to die. not funny enough for cinemas? and have i mentioned that slovaks classified it as "romantic comedy"? comedy? not even eda's mom agreed with that. also, if a certain song is a trigger for you, i'm pretty certain you don't just "get over it" if you try hard enough or enough people yell at you to get over it already.
and then i came home. still running on those three hours of sleep. the snow was still beautiful. i wish certain people realised i maybe missed them, needed them when i tried talking to them. tonight, or other nights. anyway, by the time i got home though i have realised my mistake. i should have taken rory to vet's on tuesday. and when i didn't realise it was that bad until tuesday, thinking until then it was maybe just bad cuts charlie gave him, i should have done it on wednesday. not go to work. not wait until thursday. i'm such a pushover, such a fucking doormat. i promised wednesday i'll be on the clinic, helping other people's animals, and it was too hard to pick up the phone and say i can't? really? fuck.
by midnight, i've been praying for rory to please survive until morning. my favourite baby, just so i could take him to the vet's.
at one, rory started hiccupping. it was kind of funny kind of sad but i expected it from maybe amarok or bendy.
at one five, rory stopped hiccupping. when i walked over, he was already dead.
i could have helped him if i just got some fucking backbone.
i suppose despite everything, there still is that thin silver lining at the edges... nine days ago, a rat litter was born in kosice. fifteen ugly but cute healthy little pink grubs. standards, rexes, double rexes, dumbos and not... sired by rory. his second bunch of pups i've been longing for. i get the first pick, as the owner of their father. i just wish i could say the proud owner, not a fucking coward who can't say no even if it could save a life.