tHAT &@#$ING !@$#3!!!!!! #@$!#@$!@#$@!$@!$@!$@$%$%$^#$%^#$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
That inconceivable little b@stard!!! Who does he think he is?!?! HOW DARE HE!!!!!!
[ i know, i know, three posts in one day, sue me. My period's scheduled this week, hormones are raging and blood is boiling so mess with me at the risk of your life and your pet's life and your cousin twice removed's father-in-law's dog's grandma's life.]
Once again, I don't know whether I'm just imaganing it and if my jealousy is getting the best of me, but my so-called sweetheart is talking to girl. ALL girls. JUST girls. Maybe it's just a streak, a phase he'll (he'd better) outgrow within a few days. (preferabbly, seconds). Maybe his feelings were transient and he was stringing me along the whole time. Maybe there was nothing there at all in the first place, and it was just the utter euphoria of finally breaking free from twelve long, hard, bittersweet years of blood, sweat and tears-- and it's just slowly starting to wear off now, and we're starting to wake up from that opium dream. Maybe that's all it was. We got caught up in the hustle and bustle and here and now and take a risk or you'll lose it all so we leapt in--
but none of that would make sense. We're both careful, calculating, precise people. We don't leap into things; we just don't. There's a difference between being reckless and being fearless-- we're not going to dive headfirst into a dark, black pool if there isn't even the slightest indication that at least some good will come of it. I mean, even in the initial stages, we both took our cherry-sweet time about it.
In fact, part of me, lingering in the very back of my mind, is always seceretly hoping he betrays even the most minimal signal of treachary so I can kick his sorry posterior to the curb and move on with my life. A little Freudian mindrape shows me that clearly I have a fear of comittment. And I've never EVER felt that way about anyone before. I had never experienced that fear, in fact, I'd think I'd be the LAST person to, until this beautiful little charade unfolded. It wasn't all a disheartaning discovery, however, because it's thanks to this innate fear buried deep within me that i realize how strong my feelings are for him for such a dark, eerie part of my soul to be awakened. No one has ever delved that deeply into my being before. No one. There must be a subconsious piece of me that's naive enough to think the whole shebang might work. Trouble is, the fact that my feelings for him are so cemented also skyrockets the stakes to the God-forsaken stratosphere. If I got hurt before, it would have been just a scratch. Now, I can include internal bleeding and a few busted ribs in my calculations.
The joys of romance. Screw you and your little shrew too, Shakespeare. "Love comforteth like sunshine after rain" my foot, you lying jerk.