[ Private ] Jesus /wept/.

[shehathstood]

I'm so sick of being his whipping boy, I really am, I mean when he fucked everything up last fall, I got to suffer for it; he says he was 'trying to keep from hurting me worse' but that's a line of horseshit and we both know it. If he wanted to keep from hurting me worse he'd have fucking come to me and let me help him but instead he pushed me away and made me watch, absolutely helpless, while he furiously drove himself face first into the ground.

That's not 'keeping from hurting' me, that's fucking punishing me because punishing himself isn't enough and he's still fucking doing it.

I- it was nice. Joking with him. It felt normal, for a few minutes, it felt good, like things were getting to maybe be a little okay, even for a few minutes, and then he gets all butthurt over a joke that he knows I don't mean...

Or he should know, anyway.

If he doesn't- if he doesn't, maybe he doesn't know me as much as I thought he did. Maybe I don't know him as much as I thought I did. Maybe. Maybe I'm hoping for nothing. Maybe I should really just let him go and let us go our separate ways for really reals.

Emma still has the necklace I checked last time I was at the farm. I check every time I'm there. Maybe next time I should just give it back.