im a prisoner of my thoughts
so its nearing 5 am. i tried to go to sleep almost 2 hours ago. ive been in a funk for like 2 days. im just sad about my life and really down on myself. i feel like i am not myself right now. wait scratch that, im not myself. i feel like i am trapped and cant do what was my life. softball, high school, work, the beach, living at home, simple hobbies i used to love are no longer defining me. so im having this major crisis of who i am. i always thought i knew. well i still am the same person who razor scooters around, i have just lost my security of who i am. i always felt like i was motivated and successful. i feel mediocre here and just another face in the crowd. i feel somewhat awkward in situations that never troubled me before. it is understandable, im in hardcore transition right now. im bored, i want to go out and get involved in some things, but i cant find the initiative to go and actually get into things. i dont have anyone to push me into it and dont have my typical friends to go in with me. so with all this down time i get to think about how amazingly happy i was at home. next point of trouble for me has been guys here. ive felt like i havent really met anyone special and it has been impossible for me to get someone from home off my mind. guys that have been interested in me here ive pushed away inadvertantly. i had been talking to this one guy that really liked me a lot, and i finally got myself to let go of home and like him. guess what, he got shitface drunk and hooked up with my best friend here. my best friend! i was furious with both of them. her and i worked it out rather quickly she was very apologetic and i value her here. he was an absolute defensive asshole and turned it all back around on me. it was terrible, but to tell the truth i never really liked him that much; i was trying to make myself like him but i cant. okay well gay i totally got distracted from posting and lost my enlightenment. its not that big of a deal the rest of what i had to say. just how i cant get over someone and its killing me. but now its like 6