NT children of ASD parents unite!
So today at therapy I pretty much spent half of it just bitching about my brother until he finally told me why I was so annoyed with him. Seriously, I cannot get over how often he basically nails my emotions down. I guess that makes him good at his craft.
Ends up that I'm annoyed that I have to mind him as much as I do considering he's 20. It goes further than that though. I have to mind all my family members. Well, I don't have to, it just feels like it sometimes.
I am the most normal person in my family and also the only one in therapy. I was browsing through some asperger forums for discussion about NT children of ASD parents. I got off lucky but there were a few stories that were really similar. When it comes to my mom and I, I ask for pie and she gives me crumble. Yes it's a fruity dessert but it's not quite right. Apply this to the majority of things in your life and you can get the picture. She tries like hell but she'll never get it quite right. Just won't. I'm learning to be okay with that.
It's not that simple though. I have years of pent up anger, frustration, and worst of all sadness. My mom is awesome. She is smart and driven and was a great role model in some ways but there were flaws. I see my cousins cuddling with my aunt all the time. I remember the few times I'd try as a child. My mom would tolerate it for a few minutes before shrugging me off saying "your head is heavy". Sometimes she wouldn't say anything at all. When you are 5, it feels like rejection.
It gives you self-esteem problems. In my case, it made me withdraw from attempting contact like that with anyone else because if my mom didn't want to, who else would. It made me isolate myself.
Some people on these forums had huge rage issues from it. Some people's parents would be classified as abusive. I feel like I'm in a bit of a catch-22 because my mother wasn't close to abusive but she also didn't mother me the way I needed her to. I do have some anger issues but also I feel guilty because I can see how hard she tried and how she just always missed the mark. It makes it that much more confusing. My mother tried and she tries to this day. I love her for it. I'm still angry with her though for making me feel like the adult in our relationship. I'm hyper-aware of her feelings and moods. I can't say the same for her.
I had to teach myself things she should have taught me.
I have to mother my brother because she can't do it and he needs it. I taught myself how to cook and now I'm teaching him. I taught myself about make-up. I learned all the more nuturing qualities I have from having to use them on her.
She can't handle either my brother or I in any sort of distress, so I spent years hiding it. To this day I hide my problems or I talk them down to her because she can't handle them. She implies that I'm selfish when I try and tell her that my problems are my problems and that I need to concentrate on their effect on me rather than on her.
The hardest part though is reconciling knowing your mother loves you with feeling it. That's the hardest bit. I haven't often felt loved by my mother. I know she loves me. I know she loves me in a way that makes her uncomfortable even but I don't often feel it. That's the part that hurts the most. That part of me is the kid who wanted to cuddle and who never got it. That's the part of me that wanted to spend weekends with her and got put into camps and sports programs instead. That's the part of me that hugs her and has to say 'I love you' first in order to hear it back. I have to initiate and she'll follow suit.
Despite this, I wouldn't swap her in for a new model. I love my mom more than most other people in my family even. I think she feels the same - even if I never hear it from her.
Ends up that I'm annoyed that I have to mind him as much as I do considering he's 20. It goes further than that though. I have to mind all my family members. Well, I don't have to, it just feels like it sometimes.
I am the most normal person in my family and also the only one in therapy. I was browsing through some asperger forums for discussion about NT children of ASD parents. I got off lucky but there were a few stories that were really similar. When it comes to my mom and I, I ask for pie and she gives me crumble. Yes it's a fruity dessert but it's not quite right. Apply this to the majority of things in your life and you can get the picture. She tries like hell but she'll never get it quite right. Just won't. I'm learning to be okay with that.
It's not that simple though. I have years of pent up anger, frustration, and worst of all sadness. My mom is awesome. She is smart and driven and was a great role model in some ways but there were flaws. I see my cousins cuddling with my aunt all the time. I remember the few times I'd try as a child. My mom would tolerate it for a few minutes before shrugging me off saying "your head is heavy". Sometimes she wouldn't say anything at all. When you are 5, it feels like rejection.
It gives you self-esteem problems. In my case, it made me withdraw from attempting contact like that with anyone else because if my mom didn't want to, who else would. It made me isolate myself.
Some people on these forums had huge rage issues from it. Some people's parents would be classified as abusive. I feel like I'm in a bit of a catch-22 because my mother wasn't close to abusive but she also didn't mother me the way I needed her to. I do have some anger issues but also I feel guilty because I can see how hard she tried and how she just always missed the mark. It makes it that much more confusing. My mother tried and she tries to this day. I love her for it. I'm still angry with her though for making me feel like the adult in our relationship. I'm hyper-aware of her feelings and moods. I can't say the same for her.
I had to teach myself things she should have taught me.
I have to mother my brother because she can't do it and he needs it. I taught myself how to cook and now I'm teaching him. I taught myself about make-up. I learned all the more nuturing qualities I have from having to use them on her.
She can't handle either my brother or I in any sort of distress, so I spent years hiding it. To this day I hide my problems or I talk them down to her because she can't handle them. She implies that I'm selfish when I try and tell her that my problems are my problems and that I need to concentrate on their effect on me rather than on her.
The hardest part though is reconciling knowing your mother loves you with feeling it. That's the hardest bit. I haven't often felt loved by my mother. I know she loves me. I know she loves me in a way that makes her uncomfortable even but I don't often feel it. That's the part that hurts the most. That part of me is the kid who wanted to cuddle and who never got it. That's the part of me that wanted to spend weekends with her and got put into camps and sports programs instead. That's the part of me that hugs her and has to say 'I love you' first in order to hear it back. I have to initiate and she'll follow suit.
Despite this, I wouldn't swap her in for a new model. I love my mom more than most other people in my family even. I think she feels the same - even if I never hear it from her.