(no subject)
so eavesdropping on conversations about your executive functioning issues is interesting.
I learned a lot about my family.
a) My aunt is totally my advocate and holy crap am I lucky to have her on my side. She gets me in a way that the rest of my family really doesn't, and probably can't.
b) My father fears I'll end up like his sister (and not him, which is something my Aunt thinks is more likely). His sister is terrifying intelligent and never made use of it. Didn't go to university, married a dumber man, popped out and raised three children, only ever worked as a secretary despite her massive intellect.
c) My father doing impressions of my panick attacks is both funny and incredibly upsetting.
d) My mother speaks far too quietly so I have no idea her thoughts and she was the one who really needed this conversation. She was the one panicking and not sleeping and guilting me over my inability to function completely normally.
My aunt explained it really well. I am a lateral thinker, rare and brilliant and not really made for this world. My mother and most of the rest of the world are linear thinkers. I can't do tedious tasks because my brain doesn't automatically send the right about of energy it needs into things like attention, organisation, and emotions.
Driving for instance, is something that people can do on automatic and they can do it right. I can't. I zone out and run through stop signs. It's why I never got my full license. I only drive well in concious mode. But humans aren't built to live in concious mode, its tiring. So I zone out again.
My mother needs things, like a plan and a timeline. I can't give her those because I can't really make them. I'm terrible about those things and having to do them gives me anxiety. Huge amounts of it. She gets frustrated because she thinks I'm doing nothing.
She also doesn't understand these problems because she has never had trouble with a mundane task. I have a crazy high IQ and I can't clean my room. I try and I'll start. Get in concious mode and do it for three minutes and then I zone out and stop doing it. After an hour of starting and stopping and not getting far, I get frustrated and disheartened and don't bother finishing because what is the point.
Sometimes it never even occurs to me. I get wrapped up in all these other things and never quite make it that extra step.
I'm not complaining because the trade off for all this is a really brilliant mind. I love puzzles. I solve mensa problems for fun. I learn new languages for fun. I can pick up almost any subject and be passably good in it. I can see two seemingly unrelated things and connect them. It's really fun. I wouldn't trade it. Not even on bad days where I realise the four appointments I missed and the bill that I forgot to pay and my internet's getting shut off. That is the small shit that I just have to come up with coping methods to do.
Set up a complex alarm reminder system and follow through on it. When my phone says floss, I stop what I'm doing and floss.
My mother will never get this. She has never had problems with doing such basic stuff like flossing and making her bed in the morning. It is really hard to explain why I can't do them but it's not laziness or self-hatred or a weird mess fetish.
She may never get it, even intellectually. But my aunt will and that feels surprisingly amazing.
I learned a lot about my family.
a) My aunt is totally my advocate and holy crap am I lucky to have her on my side. She gets me in a way that the rest of my family really doesn't, and probably can't.
b) My father fears I'll end up like his sister (and not him, which is something my Aunt thinks is more likely). His sister is terrifying intelligent and never made use of it. Didn't go to university, married a dumber man, popped out and raised three children, only ever worked as a secretary despite her massive intellect.
c) My father doing impressions of my panick attacks is both funny and incredibly upsetting.
d) My mother speaks far too quietly so I have no idea her thoughts and she was the one who really needed this conversation. She was the one panicking and not sleeping and guilting me over my inability to function completely normally.
My aunt explained it really well. I am a lateral thinker, rare and brilliant and not really made for this world. My mother and most of the rest of the world are linear thinkers. I can't do tedious tasks because my brain doesn't automatically send the right about of energy it needs into things like attention, organisation, and emotions.
Driving for instance, is something that people can do on automatic and they can do it right. I can't. I zone out and run through stop signs. It's why I never got my full license. I only drive well in concious mode. But humans aren't built to live in concious mode, its tiring. So I zone out again.
My mother needs things, like a plan and a timeline. I can't give her those because I can't really make them. I'm terrible about those things and having to do them gives me anxiety. Huge amounts of it. She gets frustrated because she thinks I'm doing nothing.
She also doesn't understand these problems because she has never had trouble with a mundane task. I have a crazy high IQ and I can't clean my room. I try and I'll start. Get in concious mode and do it for three minutes and then I zone out and stop doing it. After an hour of starting and stopping and not getting far, I get frustrated and disheartened and don't bother finishing because what is the point.
Sometimes it never even occurs to me. I get wrapped up in all these other things and never quite make it that extra step.
I'm not complaining because the trade off for all this is a really brilliant mind. I love puzzles. I solve mensa problems for fun. I learn new languages for fun. I can pick up almost any subject and be passably good in it. I can see two seemingly unrelated things and connect them. It's really fun. I wouldn't trade it. Not even on bad days where I realise the four appointments I missed and the bill that I forgot to pay and my internet's getting shut off. That is the small shit that I just have to come up with coping methods to do.
Set up a complex alarm reminder system and follow through on it. When my phone says floss, I stop what I'm doing and floss.
My mother will never get this. She has never had problems with doing such basic stuff like flossing and making her bed in the morning. It is really hard to explain why I can't do them but it's not laziness or self-hatred or a weird mess fetish.
She may never get it, even intellectually. But my aunt will and that feels surprisingly amazing.