(no subject)
I'm angry. Angry and hurt. This doesn't happen very often, but when it does the angry and hurt takes complete control of me. I can't shake it off, no matter how hard I try.
Usually I'm pretty content. Just sortof mellow and calm. But as soon as I get happy I get super happy. I can't control the feeling - that is, I can't control it on the inside. As I've gotten older I've learned how to control the outwards happiness, because generally people get freaked out when you show too much emotion. So I smile and I talk faster and I might skip or whistle or laugh a little louder... but I don't look freakishly happy. But that's how I feel on the inside. I don't function very well when I get happy, cause the feeling's just too overwhelming.
Unfortunately, the same thing happens when I experience negative feelings. So right now, I'm so angry and hurt I feel like I need to throw up, I'm shaking and trying to hold back the tears. Because surely there must be a more efficient way to get out the anger and hurt than crying quietly to myself - because that just makes me more sad and unhappy. I need to learn how to let negative feelings out, so they don't hurt myself - or other people.
But for now, it'll bubble inside me. I'll watch TV but I won't notice what's going on. I'll read a book, but I couldn't tell you what it's about. I'll talk to my friend, but I won't remember the conversation. There isn't room for anything but anger and hurt right now.
Usually I'm pretty content. Just sortof mellow and calm. But as soon as I get happy I get super happy. I can't control the feeling - that is, I can't control it on the inside. As I've gotten older I've learned how to control the outwards happiness, because generally people get freaked out when you show too much emotion. So I smile and I talk faster and I might skip or whistle or laugh a little louder... but I don't look freakishly happy. But that's how I feel on the inside. I don't function very well when I get happy, cause the feeling's just too overwhelming.
Unfortunately, the same thing happens when I experience negative feelings. So right now, I'm so angry and hurt I feel like I need to throw up, I'm shaking and trying to hold back the tears. Because surely there must be a more efficient way to get out the anger and hurt than crying quietly to myself - because that just makes me more sad and unhappy. I need to learn how to let negative feelings out, so they don't hurt myself - or other people.
But for now, it'll bubble inside me. I'll watch TV but I won't notice what's going on. I'll read a book, but I couldn't tell you what it's about. I'll talk to my friend, but I won't remember the conversation. There isn't room for anything but anger and hurt right now.