crazy
You know they say that one of the definitions of crazy is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. That can also be called self-denial which I have become a master of in my past 21 years of life. I'm taking 12 credits right now. Which if you don't know, translates to 4 classes. I only have class on Tuesdays and thursdays. And I'm not doing the best I can in any of them. And I actually like them all. I've had this problem for about a year now. Not focusing, not doing what I need to do and justifying it because I didn't have a boyfriend, I wasn't going out drinking I was not actually doing anything wrong... besides being irresponsible. They always warn you when you leave high school or even leave middle school for high school, that no one's going to care anymore about what you do. They're going to let you fail so shape up or you are going to fall on your ass. And so I had this fear of failing on my ass because I thought that someone out there expected that of me or something....No, that's wrong. Because that isn't the case at all. I've never been movitated by negativity. If someone tells me I can't do something, I don't feel the need to prove them wrong. I don't give a shit. I feel like they don't control me and giving them that control through reverse psychology is stupid.
What always used to motivate me where people's expectations, people's positive expectations. Ever since I was a kid, I was the good one in my family the one who made the good grades, the one who would be something. I was the first grandchild on both sides of my family and then everyone found out that I was smart. And told me that. I never brought home straight A's, but I might as well have with praise that my family gave me. My family is not ghetto or hood or whatever you want to call it, but I'm not related to many college grads. I don't come from money or anything like that. Most of my family comes from the lower middle class spectrum of the U.S.A. I was just fortunate enough to be born into the branch of my family that got out of Brooklyn and got out of North Philly. When i was a kid, my paternal grandmother lived in Hollis, Queens in New York. That's where RUN D.M.C. and LL Cool J are from. My grandmother lived in a house with my aunt, her two adult daughters and my dad and i would visit all the time. Working class neighborhood. If you watch American Gangster on BET at all, you know that Queens in the 80's was a hot bed for drug trafficking. Not that I knew it, I was 4 and protected. But I do remember hearing about my family finding syringes hidden in thier bushes.
In my family and among the people who are my family friends, graduating high school is expected. Getting pregnant when you're young - strong possibility. Getting a job to support yourself and your kids - expected, but doesn't always happen. Becoming rich with your college degree - only happened once, to my aunt. In my family, I'm the exception, not the rule. Both my cousins around my age, LaDina and Maquita, both have two kids. My cousin whose 3 years younger than me, is pregnant, but fornately still in college. A girl who I grew up with had kids and still tries to act wild ever once in a while. And then there are my Columbia people. Lots of girls who I once called friend have babies now.
I guess the point is since I've made it college and am in my senior year, people have stopped expecting things from me. I've made it to the end. I have to make my own expectations now and met them. And I don't know what I expect from myself. It's a weird feeling knowing that you could fail and no one being truly disappointed. it's like, she got that far. good for her. She gave it a good try. My family would be disappointed if I gave up now. and I would disappointed with myself, but I don't know what's next. I don't have a plan or something I want figure out. I've got loose ideas that come and go like the wind. The future is so nebulous and everything has changed so much in the past few years that I don't know what to plan for. I don't know what do expect or what to expect from myself. I want to define it, but I'm not sure how or even if should. I'm terrified to graduate because I lose school, I lose this structure, I lose the safety net, the opportunity to risk so much without risking anything at all. It's the end of my life as a student, a child, an adolestant, I've never been excited about growing up because all I saw was that getting older hurt. More responsibilities drove people insane with worry, grief. At this point in time, I expected to have a plan and having more people put thier faith in me than ever. I expected to know what the plan was for at least year and I don't know and I'm scared and becoming the master of self-sabotage (second only Tyler Durgen) and I'm risking everyone losing faith in me. My youngest brother is in 1st grade and he is at a 3rd grade reading level. My oldest brother, Keenan, he's 11. Took an assessment test that ranked him in the top four percent in Conn. My dad says that I did that. I inspire my brothers. They want to be like thier big sister. My four cousins, the oldest, a 13 year old girl on the cusp of puberty, does so much, I hope that she looks up to me and as much as I want to be a inspiration for them, I've got gual to be sabotaging my future with laziness... What kind of stupid shit is that? I don't fucking know. But I want to get better. I want to believe in myself again. I want to do something new because the old ways aren't working. The old expectations don't matter. I need something. God help me, I need a new, real, ADULT me. If only I wasn't so fucking scared of her.
Any advice.
What always used to motivate me where people's expectations, people's positive expectations. Ever since I was a kid, I was the good one in my family the one who made the good grades, the one who would be something. I was the first grandchild on both sides of my family and then everyone found out that I was smart. And told me that. I never brought home straight A's, but I might as well have with praise that my family gave me. My family is not ghetto or hood or whatever you want to call it, but I'm not related to many college grads. I don't come from money or anything like that. Most of my family comes from the lower middle class spectrum of the U.S.A. I was just fortunate enough to be born into the branch of my family that got out of Brooklyn and got out of North Philly. When i was a kid, my paternal grandmother lived in Hollis, Queens in New York. That's where RUN D.M.C. and LL Cool J are from. My grandmother lived in a house with my aunt, her two adult daughters and my dad and i would visit all the time. Working class neighborhood. If you watch American Gangster on BET at all, you know that Queens in the 80's was a hot bed for drug trafficking. Not that I knew it, I was 4 and protected. But I do remember hearing about my family finding syringes hidden in thier bushes.
In my family and among the people who are my family friends, graduating high school is expected. Getting pregnant when you're young - strong possibility. Getting a job to support yourself and your kids - expected, but doesn't always happen. Becoming rich with your college degree - only happened once, to my aunt. In my family, I'm the exception, not the rule. Both my cousins around my age, LaDina and Maquita, both have two kids. My cousin whose 3 years younger than me, is pregnant, but fornately still in college. A girl who I grew up with had kids and still tries to act wild ever once in a while. And then there are my Columbia people. Lots of girls who I once called friend have babies now.
I guess the point is since I've made it college and am in my senior year, people have stopped expecting things from me. I've made it to the end. I have to make my own expectations now and met them. And I don't know what I expect from myself. It's a weird feeling knowing that you could fail and no one being truly disappointed. it's like, she got that far. good for her. She gave it a good try. My family would be disappointed if I gave up now. and I would disappointed with myself, but I don't know what's next. I don't have a plan or something I want figure out. I've got loose ideas that come and go like the wind. The future is so nebulous and everything has changed so much in the past few years that I don't know what to plan for. I don't know what do expect or what to expect from myself. I want to define it, but I'm not sure how or even if should. I'm terrified to graduate because I lose school, I lose this structure, I lose the safety net, the opportunity to risk so much without risking anything at all. It's the end of my life as a student, a child, an adolestant, I've never been excited about growing up because all I saw was that getting older hurt. More responsibilities drove people insane with worry, grief. At this point in time, I expected to have a plan and having more people put thier faith in me than ever. I expected to know what the plan was for at least year and I don't know and I'm scared and becoming the master of self-sabotage (second only Tyler Durgen) and I'm risking everyone losing faith in me. My youngest brother is in 1st grade and he is at a 3rd grade reading level. My oldest brother, Keenan, he's 11. Took an assessment test that ranked him in the top four percent in Conn. My dad says that I did that. I inspire my brothers. They want to be like thier big sister. My four cousins, the oldest, a 13 year old girl on the cusp of puberty, does so much, I hope that she looks up to me and as much as I want to be a inspiration for them, I've got gual to be sabotaging my future with laziness... What kind of stupid shit is that? I don't fucking know. But I want to get better. I want to believe in myself again. I want to do something new because the old ways aren't working. The old expectations don't matter. I need something. God help me, I need a new, real, ADULT me. If only I wasn't so fucking scared of her.
Any advice.