And it all comes out finally
I am going to really put this out there.
I really thought I was doing much better. I was meeting new people, making new friends (I have even made more really good friends) and really doing what a young 20 year old female such as myself should be doing. I've met gorgeous boys, I've had people flirt with me, I was enjoying the single life. I hadn't seen this person in a month and I really was certain I was moving on and I was over it... until I saw him. Everything came back and I was right back to where I started and once again while we were together...it seemed as if he was mine and I was his. Its a weird concept for me... basically feeling like you are an item with someone but only when you are with that person and you really in reality aren't. That means they can do whatever they want, I can do whatever I want. Its not safe, any second we could drop eachother. I can only speak for myself but I for some reason still love this person and wouldn't be able to still have that bond with him while I was with him... and suddenly just began dating someone else. I am tired of this situation. I am going in circles. We had our reasons for breaking up and I feel like most of those reasons have really been fixed. We began doing something we didnt do before... a simple thing that we forgot about when we jumped into this relationship too fast.. TALKING. I feel I can come to this person for more things now and I feel that they are more understanding and vice versa. I feel like because of this we have been able to become closer. But we can't be together... hes in school for ministry and I can't even provide a belief of God. But I have a strong belief that things happen for a reason (but this is something that I do realize I could possibly be totally wrong on). I feel like if two people love eacother dearly nothing should stop them ever... love is strong and nothing should come in the way of it. I mean you don't stop loving someone because you have diffirent beliefs... but you agree that it makes things difficult. I feel that nothing can stop it, and so far nothing has... (although I really need something to). And why is it that I haven't been with this person for several months now but neither of us have been able to completly move on and just be friends such as the kind of friends I am with any other guy? Just doesn't make sense to me. I mean... why can't we move past this, get over it, move on. Ugh. What hurts the very very most is ... how can this person still feel this way about me and treat me this way but have no desire to be with me? Thats what confuses me the most and dearly hurts me more then any other part of this situation. I feel used... not applying anything but that is exactly how it feels. Well I am sick and tired of going through this, sick and tired of going around in circles... I'm ready to either make it work or move on. I can't have an inbetween, maybe a long time from now but... not now. Maybe its immature, I don't know but its the only way of be fixing this problem. I was doing so much better without seeing him... and boom... I realize its all still there. I don't know how they feel. I'm confused... which is also difficult to deal with. How do I know if I am just being used? I mean... ahh. Sometimes I even feel that his person is being selfish and not putting thought into what he is doing to me... but more focusing on making himself feel warm and fuzzy inside at the time. Enough with all that.
I talked to him about it. I don't feel like I got much out of him. So either 1)He doesn't care much about the topic to have anything to really say besides agreeing, 2)He doesn't feel comfortable completly opening up to me or 3)He just... I don't know.
I am just ready to have it one way or the other... although I don't know how strong I am to handle it.
I feel like I have so much love in me and I just have no one to direct it to. As one of my good friends keeps telling me.. I need to learn to love myself. I need to learn to be happy while being single (which I am until I remember what love feels like). I have to learn that I don't need someone. He's very right.
So with all that said... its time for me to really really try in order to stop going around and these circles.
Maybe this is just one of my big lessons of life or just one of my heartbreaks.. one of many more to come in the future... it happens.. its life.
People have been great to me latly and I am very grateful for that.
I really thought I was doing much better. I was meeting new people, making new friends (I have even made more really good friends) and really doing what a young 20 year old female such as myself should be doing. I've met gorgeous boys, I've had people flirt with me, I was enjoying the single life. I hadn't seen this person in a month and I really was certain I was moving on and I was over it... until I saw him. Everything came back and I was right back to where I started and once again while we were together...it seemed as if he was mine and I was his. Its a weird concept for me... basically feeling like you are an item with someone but only when you are with that person and you really in reality aren't. That means they can do whatever they want, I can do whatever I want. Its not safe, any second we could drop eachother. I can only speak for myself but I for some reason still love this person and wouldn't be able to still have that bond with him while I was with him... and suddenly just began dating someone else. I am tired of this situation. I am going in circles. We had our reasons for breaking up and I feel like most of those reasons have really been fixed. We began doing something we didnt do before... a simple thing that we forgot about when we jumped into this relationship too fast.. TALKING. I feel I can come to this person for more things now and I feel that they are more understanding and vice versa. I feel like because of this we have been able to become closer. But we can't be together... hes in school for ministry and I can't even provide a belief of God. But I have a strong belief that things happen for a reason (but this is something that I do realize I could possibly be totally wrong on). I feel like if two people love eacother dearly nothing should stop them ever... love is strong and nothing should come in the way of it. I mean you don't stop loving someone because you have diffirent beliefs... but you agree that it makes things difficult. I feel that nothing can stop it, and so far nothing has... (although I really need something to). And why is it that I haven't been with this person for several months now but neither of us have been able to completly move on and just be friends such as the kind of friends I am with any other guy? Just doesn't make sense to me. I mean... why can't we move past this, get over it, move on. Ugh. What hurts the very very most is ... how can this person still feel this way about me and treat me this way but have no desire to be with me? Thats what confuses me the most and dearly hurts me more then any other part of this situation. I feel used... not applying anything but that is exactly how it feels. Well I am sick and tired of going through this, sick and tired of going around in circles... I'm ready to either make it work or move on. I can't have an inbetween, maybe a long time from now but... not now. Maybe its immature, I don't know but its the only way of be fixing this problem. I was doing so much better without seeing him... and boom... I realize its all still there. I don't know how they feel. I'm confused... which is also difficult to deal with. How do I know if I am just being used? I mean... ahh. Sometimes I even feel that his person is being selfish and not putting thought into what he is doing to me... but more focusing on making himself feel warm and fuzzy inside at the time. Enough with all that.
I talked to him about it. I don't feel like I got much out of him. So either 1)He doesn't care much about the topic to have anything to really say besides agreeing, 2)He doesn't feel comfortable completly opening up to me or 3)He just... I don't know.
I am just ready to have it one way or the other... although I don't know how strong I am to handle it.
I feel like I have so much love in me and I just have no one to direct it to. As one of my good friends keeps telling me.. I need to learn to love myself. I need to learn to be happy while being single (which I am until I remember what love feels like). I have to learn that I don't need someone. He's very right.
So with all that said... its time for me to really really try in order to stop going around and these circles.
Maybe this is just one of my big lessons of life or just one of my heartbreaks.. one of many more to come in the future... it happens.. its life.
People have been great to me latly and I am very grateful for that.